Get out of my car....
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Get out of my car....
I had lunch with my son on Tuesday and we had a huge argument. He says I ruined his life when I took him to rehab at 13. I told him I loved him and he laughed. He said everything hurtful he could think of. I took him to his apt., and he begged me to stop at the grocery store, he has no money, no food because he blew all of his school money. Let me have $10, $5, anything Mom. I told him no. He was on his own. Finallly, I just kept repeating get out of my car. It's been 3 days since then. I want to call him evey minute of every hour, I want to take him some food. So I got on here to ask for help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
I understand. I have a 22 year old son like that. I don't know how to help you. I think you did the right thing. If he were truly truly hungry I think probably he'd show up at your house and beg for a sandwich or something. Starving people do that. So I think you can assume that he's not starving, he found something somewhere else.
I too don't understand the lashing out, rage, hatred, blame followed by the "um...can I have a ride, some money, etc..."
Get it from someone who didn't 'ruin your life'.
Or...
And here's a radical idea: get a job, work, and buy your own food.
I really do think you did the right thing.
I too don't understand the lashing out, rage, hatred, blame followed by the "um...can I have a ride, some money, etc..."
Get it from someone who didn't 'ruin your life'.
Or...
And here's a radical idea: get a job, work, and buy your own food.
I really do think you did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This 22 year old's sense of entitlement jumps off the page. Sounds more like a terrible two having a tantrum.
He knows you love him and uses it to manipulate you.
So long as someone rescues and prevents him from experiencing the consequences of his choices, he has no reason to remotely consider alternative ways of leading his life.
He could take responsibility for himself. He could get a job. He could go to a food pantry or soup kitchen. He could do a lot of things to help himself grow up instead of blaming his circumstances on others. He needs ample opportunity to do so.
.
He knows you love him and uses it to manipulate you.
So long as someone rescues and prevents him from experiencing the consequences of his choices, he has no reason to remotely consider alternative ways of leading his life.
He could take responsibility for himself. He could get a job. He could go to a food pantry or soup kitchen. He could do a lot of things to help himself grow up instead of blaming his circumstances on others. He needs ample opportunity to do so.
.
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Yes, I too have been reading my old posts and was struck with how little things have changed! As a matter of fact, that's what gave me the courage to walk away from him. Thanks for the reminder Anvilhead!
He is a little punk, who has chosen a path that makes me ill,physically and mentally. I must walk away. You're right that I have endured this for a long time. 7 years or so, and it seems to not get any better. Thanks for the support!
He is a little punk, who has chosen a path that makes me ill,physically and mentally. I must walk away. You're right that I have endured this for a long time. 7 years or so, and it seems to not get any better. Thanks for the support!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
More hugs from a mama who has been where you are, and it took me many years to let go too.
Thing is, once I let go his life didn't change much, he continued in and our of the revolving door of addiction/recovery...but MY life became worth living again.
Meetings helped me find my balance and my sanity, and SR.
Keeping your son in my prayers, that he can learn from this and find a better path.
Hugs
Thing is, once I let go his life didn't change much, he continued in and our of the revolving door of addiction/recovery...but MY life became worth living again.
Meetings helped me find my balance and my sanity, and SR.
Keeping your son in my prayers, that he can learn from this and find a better path.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
I know what your going through is hard. (it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.) But you did and are doing the right thing, truly. The disease has control of him right now. Although it is hard what you did soon you will see just how resilient the A can be. When we raised them we taught them everything they need to survive, but they learned how to manipulate us to do it for them. When we let go and allow them to make it on there own is when they decide the are going to do it.
When I kicked my second AS out of the house I told him not to contact me till he had been clean and in a program. I went through what you are feeling and thinking now. I went through it for 8 months. We never herd from him, we never seen him, we didn't know if he was even alive. Then last thanksgiving he came and told us he was in A treatment center and going to NA weekly. He has been clean since, attends NA at the same place I attend Nar-anon. There is recovery but they must want it and what you are doing is allowing him the choice to do it on his own. I commend you for your strength though it is so very hard.
Hold on to your strength and prayer it will happen. Seek help for you here, and through Nar-anon. There is a lot of wisdom on these boards. Keep reading and posting, keep us updated.
Sending you strength and prayers your son finds the light.
Be well,
"When you change the way you look at things... the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer
When I kicked my second AS out of the house I told him not to contact me till he had been clean and in a program. I went through what you are feeling and thinking now. I went through it for 8 months. We never herd from him, we never seen him, we didn't know if he was even alive. Then last thanksgiving he came and told us he was in A treatment center and going to NA weekly. He has been clean since, attends NA at the same place I attend Nar-anon. There is recovery but they must want it and what you are doing is allowing him the choice to do it on his own. I commend you for your strength though it is so very hard.
Hold on to your strength and prayer it will happen. Seek help for you here, and through Nar-anon. There is a lot of wisdom on these boards. Keep reading and posting, keep us updated.
Sending you strength and prayers your son finds the light.
Be well,
"When you change the way you look at things... the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
As different as all of our stories are, there is so much that is the same.
I also put up with so much for a very long time. Perhaps I'm a slow learner or perhaps it all had to happen and was part of my HP's plan for me.
It helped me to realize that I am not so very different from my addicted son. I was going to do what I did until I didn't want to do it anymore. It helps me to understand that no one else could get me there.....I had to reach that point in my own time. And so does my son.
I realize that my son and I are a toxic combination. I am as bad for him as he is for me. The greatest act of love I have ever had to do is to let him go. And that wasn't going to happen until I was good and ready. The harder people pushed me to make a decision that I wasn't ready for, the more resolved I became to defy them. Just like an addict......
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
I also put up with so much for a very long time. Perhaps I'm a slow learner or perhaps it all had to happen and was part of my HP's plan for me.
It helped me to realize that I am not so very different from my addicted son. I was going to do what I did until I didn't want to do it anymore. It helps me to understand that no one else could get me there.....I had to reach that point in my own time. And so does my son.
I realize that my son and I are a toxic combination. I am as bad for him as he is for me. The greatest act of love I have ever had to do is to let him go. And that wasn't going to happen until I was good and ready. The harder people pushed me to make a decision that I wasn't ready for, the more resolved I became to defy them. Just like an addict......
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
Posts: 135
"Get it from someone who didn't 'ruin your life'."
Yeah I can relate to this all right, one minute you're the worse person in the world responsible for wrecking them, the next minute they are begging for money. Been there, done that. Oh the insanity of trying to make sense of the insanity
Yeah I can relate to this all right, one minute you're the worse person in the world responsible for wrecking them, the next minute they are begging for money. Been there, done that. Oh the insanity of trying to make sense of the insanity
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
Been there done that!! They know how much we love them and they know how to use it against us!!
Mine started using at a very young age. I had to drive my gifted son to take his GED and sit in the car to make sure he didn't leave.
They are selfisf, self centered, immature and think they know everything!
Mine stole from me and helped his friends steal my car along with wiping out my home. I was transferred about 20 miles away and it helped stop the breaking in and stealing from me.
It's a heart breaker, but you are doing the right thing, stay strong! Mine recently played me for money and I feel for it. I am usually generous with money for birthday and Christmas. His birthday is coming up and this time he will get more than he gives me for my birthday, simply a 'happy birthday'. My son doesn't know when my birthday is, shows me exactly how important I am in his life!
Many years ago I worked with a person that could easily afford to support her lazy son. When they kicked him out I though it was so mean. Today I understand perfectly!! We are not doing them any favors by letting them treat us like crap.
Mine started using at a very young age. I had to drive my gifted son to take his GED and sit in the car to make sure he didn't leave.
They are selfisf, self centered, immature and think they know everything!
Mine stole from me and helped his friends steal my car along with wiping out my home. I was transferred about 20 miles away and it helped stop the breaking in and stealing from me.
It's a heart breaker, but you are doing the right thing, stay strong! Mine recently played me for money and I feel for it. I am usually generous with money for birthday and Christmas. His birthday is coming up and this time he will get more than he gives me for my birthday, simply a 'happy birthday'. My son doesn't know when my birthday is, shows me exactly how important I am in his life!
Many years ago I worked with a person that could easily afford to support her lazy son. When they kicked him out I though it was so mean. Today I understand perfectly!! We are not doing them any favors by letting them treat us like crap.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
I want you to know that what you are doing is the right thing.
At age 13 my mom put me in rehab. I was clean 9 months then started using again. I was 14 when I was given the option to move out or go back to rehab. Guess which one I decided was best. I moved out with my alcoholic father.
If he had rehab, what they said to him is still stuck in his head. When he is ready to get clean he knows where to go.
I got clean when I was 22.
I sit here with 9 years clean. I have thanked my mom for what she did. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I didn't see it then, but I do now.
Hang in there and my prayers go out to you!
At age 13 my mom put me in rehab. I was clean 9 months then started using again. I was 14 when I was given the option to move out or go back to rehab. Guess which one I decided was best. I moved out with my alcoholic father.
If he had rehab, what they said to him is still stuck in his head. When he is ready to get clean he knows where to go.
I got clean when I was 22.
I sit here with 9 years clean. I have thanked my mom for what she did. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I didn't see it then, but I do now.
Hang in there and my prayers go out to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Thank you so much for sharing this. My AS is 22. I just figured out he will be paying roughly $300 per month in student loans for 10 years when he gets out of college hopefully may 2013. He is telling us he has been clean 2 months, attends meetings and has a sponsor but a big part of me is very skeptical. We offered him to live with us if he wouldn't use but he chose the loans and the party. The mamas and papas alanon group I attend on Monday's has been so helpful. I'm thinking it will get a lot harder and am glad I found that group and this website. Stay strong!
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I feel so supported right now! Thank you for the words! Kindeyes...your words jumped off the page to me! Also thank you for those who said they thank their moms later. I have been having a hard time not calling him today. Our other kids have been around and I want my son!!! But I want him well. I will come back here and read those words again and again. Thank you!
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