relearning non codependency
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
relearning non codependency
I feel happy. not happy because i got something, or because of an event in paticular. just content with my freedom of being.
anyone who has lived with an addict and then had time away knows this awareness of freedom of being. i've been here before. however, last time...which was about 6 years ago, i was living from one day to the next, working hard and taking care of my children, happy for my freedom and for coming out alive. i had no clear sense of my future though. i just knew i could figure out the days, and i did.
the simple things that come with personal freedom and taking care of myself are dawning on me again, and today i sensed a broader future for myself than i have been able to be see clearly before now.
simple things...a new outfit, accepting an invitation out with friends, appreciating being innocently flirted with without apprehension or anxiety, the general absence of constant anxiety.
i took my little one to the park today in the sun. when i was pushing her on the swings, surrounded by parents with their little ones, i realized that most every time i had come to that park i had preferred to be a bit away from the other people. generally i didn't want people to talk to me, a lot of the time i thought about my outdated shoes or my hair that needed brushing, or was taking a respite of fresh air from all the 'issues' that were always present.
i thought about this because today i realized standing there that i felt at ease and a part of the other parents and children there, no more and less than they. and if someone talks to me it is enjoyable. there's no hidden anxiety.
i had a great idea for extra income too. i pictured a bit farther down the road for myself what it might look like if i continue to grow with confidence and enjoyment. close friendships with people who are healthy and successful, an enjoyment in building my life...
i am physically very tired today, i usually am. i work and have four children. but instead of feeling cradled in achy tension as i used to, i feel physically tired with an awareness that there are so many hours left today and many possibilities for how we i spend them getting things done or enjoying myself more- whichever i choose.
i'm grateful for this awareness today, and i feel like its important for me to keep this awareness, protect my environment for it to exist, and continue to nurture the feeling.
anyone who has lived with an addict and then had time away knows this awareness of freedom of being. i've been here before. however, last time...which was about 6 years ago, i was living from one day to the next, working hard and taking care of my children, happy for my freedom and for coming out alive. i had no clear sense of my future though. i just knew i could figure out the days, and i did.
the simple things that come with personal freedom and taking care of myself are dawning on me again, and today i sensed a broader future for myself than i have been able to be see clearly before now.
simple things...a new outfit, accepting an invitation out with friends, appreciating being innocently flirted with without apprehension or anxiety, the general absence of constant anxiety.
i took my little one to the park today in the sun. when i was pushing her on the swings, surrounded by parents with their little ones, i realized that most every time i had come to that park i had preferred to be a bit away from the other people. generally i didn't want people to talk to me, a lot of the time i thought about my outdated shoes or my hair that needed brushing, or was taking a respite of fresh air from all the 'issues' that were always present.
i thought about this because today i realized standing there that i felt at ease and a part of the other parents and children there, no more and less than they. and if someone talks to me it is enjoyable. there's no hidden anxiety.
i had a great idea for extra income too. i pictured a bit farther down the road for myself what it might look like if i continue to grow with confidence and enjoyment. close friendships with people who are healthy and successful, an enjoyment in building my life...
i am physically very tired today, i usually am. i work and have four children. but instead of feeling cradled in achy tension as i used to, i feel physically tired with an awareness that there are so many hours left today and many possibilities for how we i spend them getting things done or enjoying myself more- whichever i choose.
i'm grateful for this awareness today, and i feel like its important for me to keep this awareness, protect my environment for it to exist, and continue to nurture the feeling.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
That happy peace in your life is called serenity and I am so glad you have found it, even in your busy days.
What you said about sitting aside at the park touched my heart. I did the same thing, not in a park with children, but in life...I didn't let people get too close because if they got too close they might see what a nightmare my life was and how insane I had become. How grateful I am today to be free also, and no longer ashamed of who I am or how I live.
Maybe next time you go to the park, take a special look for a lonely lady sitting slightly away from the rest. Maybe she needs a friend. I know I did.
May your blessings continue and flow though you to your children.
Hugs
What you said about sitting aside at the park touched my heart. I did the same thing, not in a park with children, but in life...I didn't let people get too close because if they got too close they might see what a nightmare my life was and how insane I had become. How grateful I am today to be free also, and no longer ashamed of who I am or how I live.
Maybe next time you go to the park, take a special look for a lonely lady sitting slightly away from the rest. Maybe she needs a friend. I know I did.
May your blessings continue and flow though you to your children.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you for a beautiful post that so eloquently describes "serenity".
I love your description....if you put the words Serenity is in front of them it would read:
Serenity is.......the general absence of constant anxiety.
Thank you for sharing. That's a keeper.
gentle hugs
ke
I love your description....if you put the words Serenity is in front of them it would read:
Serenity is.......the general absence of constant anxiety.
Thank you for sharing. That's a keeper.
gentle hugs
ke
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