screwed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
screwed up
This is my first post here. There's not really any help for my situation, it's just more of a vent, I guess.
I did a really awful stupid thing. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober for six years. About eight months ago, I started a relationship with a woman in my AA group. She was also in NA. I thought she was stable. I thought our relationship was a good one. We both had plenty of baggage, but we had been open about our pasts with each other before we started and (I think) did a good job of coping and recognizing when we needed to put extra effort in to keep from detaching. Our experiences complemented each other. We were very close. I was happy. I think she was happy. I think we were very much in love.
Then I found out that she was still sleeping with her last ex-boyfriend, who was from her NA group. I had never met him, that relationship was supposedly long over by the time she started with me. I couldn't take it and broke up with her. She said she would end it with him, get counseling about that problem, do anything to stay with me. Her friends called me day and night and told me I was really the one for her, just to hang on, that she really loved me. I still said no, I didn't want the drama and the probable continuing pain while she worked through whatever this was, if she could even work through it.
Long story short, after five hard-earned years clean, she's using again. I feel like an utter POS. Not enough to go to the bottle again, but some days, close to it. I know that she made the decision, but I was still part of the hurt.
I guess the lesson is don't start loving people from your recovery group. Or any recovery group, I don't know. Maybe we're just messed up forever. This really sucks.
I did a really awful stupid thing. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober for six years. About eight months ago, I started a relationship with a woman in my AA group. She was also in NA. I thought she was stable. I thought our relationship was a good one. We both had plenty of baggage, but we had been open about our pasts with each other before we started and (I think) did a good job of coping and recognizing when we needed to put extra effort in to keep from detaching. Our experiences complemented each other. We were very close. I was happy. I think she was happy. I think we were very much in love.
Then I found out that she was still sleeping with her last ex-boyfriend, who was from her NA group. I had never met him, that relationship was supposedly long over by the time she started with me. I couldn't take it and broke up with her. She said she would end it with him, get counseling about that problem, do anything to stay with me. Her friends called me day and night and told me I was really the one for her, just to hang on, that she really loved me. I still said no, I didn't want the drama and the probable continuing pain while she worked through whatever this was, if she could even work through it.
Long story short, after five hard-earned years clean, she's using again. I feel like an utter POS. Not enough to go to the bottle again, but some days, close to it. I know that she made the decision, but I was still part of the hurt.
I guess the lesson is don't start loving people from your recovery group. Or any recovery group, I don't know. Maybe we're just messed up forever. This really sucks.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Reiter,
It's probably not a good idea to date someone from your recovery group, for exactly the reasons of what happened with you.
She lied to you and cheated on you. Please don't blame yourself for her relapse, she was well on her way before you broke it off. You made a wise decision, most people would break off with someone who lied and cheated...both deal breakers for certain.
Her path is hers to choose, maybe just say a prayer for her and work hard on your own recovery until you feel less shaky. And take your lesson with gratitude so that next time you can choose more wisely.
Hugs
It's probably not a good idea to date someone from your recovery group, for exactly the reasons of what happened with you.
She lied to you and cheated on you. Please don't blame yourself for her relapse, she was well on her way before you broke it off. You made a wise decision, most people would break off with someone who lied and cheated...both deal breakers for certain.
Her path is hers to choose, maybe just say a prayer for her and work hard on your own recovery until you feel less shaky. And take your lesson with gratitude so that next time you can choose more wisely.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome, Reiter...
I couldn't have said it better. Anvilhead really nailed this one.
Sometimes, we don't know what it is we're dealing with until it's too late. You took a chance, made a good faith effort, and she wasn't honest with either you or herself. Yes, it hurts. I get it. But it's better than you learn this about her now than it would be if you two got married and THEN you learned this.
I hope somewhere in your thinking that you give yourself some credit for keeping yourself together. You've shown some strength. You're going to have to sit with some feelings that you probably don't want to sit with. And, since you're in recovery, you can hand those feelings over to your Higher Power if they get too much. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
You're amongst friends here. Remember that, too.
Best,
ZoSo
we are only as sick as our secrets. her secrets kept her sick and making the choice to drink again was but a short fall.
Sometimes, we don't know what it is we're dealing with until it's too late. You took a chance, made a good faith effort, and she wasn't honest with either you or herself. Yes, it hurts. I get it. But it's better than you learn this about her now than it would be if you two got married and THEN you learned this.
I hope somewhere in your thinking that you give yourself some credit for keeping yourself together. You've shown some strength. You're going to have to sit with some feelings that you probably don't want to sit with. And, since you're in recovery, you can hand those feelings over to your Higher Power if they get too much. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
You're amongst friends here. Remember that, too.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to the F&F forum here on SR. There are many here who have walked both paths and they bring so much to this forum. I am very grateful for their insight. I hope you will join us. I'll bet you have a lot to offer here.
A relationship gone bad can happen. It doesnt necessarily have anything to do with where you met her. The fact that she had five years in recovery (or at least she said so) was a reasonable amount of time to consider her a prospect for a relationship. But if she was hiding a relationship from you and possibly the other guy too.....it's also reasonable to consider that she wasn't really working her program.
The important stuff? You're working your program. You had a personal boundary (a big one). And she crossed it. You held your boundary and were true to yourself.
I think Ann hit the nail on the head....she was well on her way to relapse before you were even in the picture.
Take care of you. And work your program like you wish she would.
gentle hugs
ke
A relationship gone bad can happen. It doesnt necessarily have anything to do with where you met her. The fact that she had five years in recovery (or at least she said so) was a reasonable amount of time to consider her a prospect for a relationship. But if she was hiding a relationship from you and possibly the other guy too.....it's also reasonable to consider that she wasn't really working her program.
The important stuff? You're working your program. You had a personal boundary (a big one). And she crossed it. You held your boundary and were true to yourself.
I think Ann hit the nail on the head....she was well on her way to relapse before you were even in the picture.
Take care of you. And work your program like you wish she would.
gentle hugs
ke
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