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The Break

Old 04-03-2012, 09:08 AM
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The Break

I want to say right off that I feel very selfish for being away so long and then coming back only to post about me. The proper thing would be to sit and read, and read for a while, catch up on how everyone else is doing, tell everyone how much I've missed sharing and supporting, offer some heartfelt words to those who befriended me. I'm not sure what prompted me to do this at this very moment since I am at work, in my new role (which has been my savior), still doing my old job as well until they find a replacement (busier the better), but here I am, wanting to reconnect. If I don't get much of a response, I truly understand and no hard feelings. Maybe this is part of my co-dependency, having a hard time asking for help, or admitting that I have needs. But here goes...

My boyfriend never completely stopped using. After our heartfelt talk where he broke down and told me how badly he wanted to be off of these things, he went on Naproxen and then Celebrex, weaning himself to not needing as much - this I know. He played phone tag with a back specialist who turned out to be on vacation for 2 weeks (this I also confirmed). He is now trying to get an appt. at a pain management facility with a backup plan of an outpatient detox facility. But the process is slow and for someone who needs to be off of these pills - and claims from his core that he wants to - he's not being assertive enough. I gave up trying, gave up when he spent his side job money on pills, gave up when he out-of-character came into the bedroom and layed down next to me (which I was first delighted about) only to ask if I had any (he replaced a portion of what he stole from me - I accepted since I will have these probably for a year - at least they are there for when I legitimately need them for my back), gave up when he sold some of his tools for some, etc. etc. etc..

I've supported him long enough and I thought that I would see it through since he is SO close to getting the help he needs and getting his (and our) life back on track. But I can't take the mood swings any more, I can't take him withdrawing from me more and more to the point where I barely feel I'm in a relationship anymore, and can't take the burnt out feeling I have most of the time, while my resentment builds.

So on Sunday, when I once again said "I can't do this any more", this time, instead of silence, he said not to worry, that he would make arrangements to find somewhere else to go. He says it's temporary but once he's out, I will stand firm and not let him back until he is pill free and can prove it.

Right now, I am an absolute mess and if it wasn't for work, I'd most likely be lying in bed all day, staring out the window alternating with bawling my eyes out. The strange thing is, I'm not crying for the break, I'm crying for how much he has hurt me and crying for the memories I have of when he was kinder, more caring, polite even. It's so distant that it feels like more of a movie than memories. So, so sad.

Damn the addiction.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:19 AM
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Please hang in there, gee I could really feel your pain in your last paragraph and I know that for some reason those good memories in the beginning are what we hold on to and try to re-create and it doesn't happen as they progress in their disease, the drug/alcohol takes over the person and you are actually with a different person then before. we are the same loving people we always were but so tortured by the other ones disease that we are hurt repeatedly, time and time again, we go in there and for what, the end result is 100% of the time alcohol and/drugs win unless the addict truly wants recovery and the numbers aren't that great I'm afraid. I felt like I torn apart inside too, you do have courage and strength to get thru this and stick to your plan. I know I had a hard time doing that but finally did, then let him back, then kicked him out...but I still cared and hung in there hoping, hoping, hoping, I was tired, you must be so tired..I wish I could give ya a hug, move forward deal with the broken heart and then find someone else and don't look back, no more pills, lies, drama etc. life is too short. peace m
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:27 AM
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Thank you so much for the kind words and I'm sorry that you, along with everyone else here, has had to go through this heartwrenching pain.

I hope we can all find some peace in the end and that goes for our loved ones too...
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:05 PM
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Welcome back. We can all find serenity when we're ready. Sometimes the suffering has to escalate to the point that we just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.....just like an addict. Until that time, we move through our days suffering.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:49 PM
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Hugs for you and prayers for him.

When life is hard, it helps me to find some lifelines...like meetings, SR, walks in nature and lots of prayer. I'm glad you came back, you owe no apologies, in this family we always welcome a homecoming.

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Old 04-06-2012, 07:43 PM
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He knows he's failing you, but his mind is on the pills.

Your words are so sad, at the end of your post. This is why we suffer so much and normal people do not understand: we have known two personalities in the man. And the man we loved is dissolving, and while he goes under, he lets us go. He is not saving himself and he is not saving us. He is just dissolving.

Sometimes, I admit with some embarrassment, I have envied the woman who loses a husband in a car crash or some normal kind of death. She felt loved, was loved, to the moment of death. How sweet the memory must be, something to hold.

Your abf has not yet moved out, right? He has plans to, and that is next?

You will need support. Don't be alone with it.

He is miserable. He has nothing to give right now. He cannot nuture you in any way or attend to you in any way.

I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to find his way to recovery and to a community of recovering addicts. There is nothing you can offer him right now that will help him recover. And recovery is the only thing he needs right now. Otherwise, he will be destroyed by drugs.

If you can release him to possibly recover, and trust God with the rest of your story, perhaps you will be able to find some peace.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
...This is why we suffer so much and normal people do not understand: we have known two personalities in the man. And the man we loved is dissolving, and while he goes under, he lets us go. He is not saving himself and he is not saving us. He is just dissolving.

Sometimes, I admit with some embarrassment, I have envied the woman who loses a husband in a car crash or some normal kind of death. She felt loved, was loved, to the moment of death. How sweet the memory must be, something to hold...
This was an incredibly poignant and accurate description, thank you.

CLMI
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:06 PM
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EnglishGarden, your posts are always amazing, and your words have changed my perspective several times.
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:48 PM
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Why are you justifying verbal abuse? It doesn't matter what they tell you that you did to cause it, it's not ok.
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Old 04-11-2012, 01:39 PM
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Noone's judging you. Noone is telling you to leave. I'm sorry you're so angry about this, we can only comment on what we read, we don't know your story unless you tell it.
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