jolinda

I just gave him my last 20 bucks, to go to a job interview Friday. It didnt take him 20 minutes to change get his keys and gone. Told him i will never give him money again. I read him that letter from your addiction. Iwas really surprised he listened, said it was sad. When i got done reading, i asked him if he was going to go use(meth).He said he didnt no. Ask him if some of this could be mid life crisis. He said he has thought about that but has not read anything about it. Well hes gone again, said he was going crazy.I am so freakin stupid,stupid!!!!!!! When will i learn!!!!! Now comes the worring, fear, anxiety, the hopelessness. How could i give him money!!!! I have totally lost my mind!!!!! I once again thought i could change his mind, but nooooooooo.And i no better, i cant keep my big mouth shut!! Oh, to top it off found out my little brother, and nephew has been doing meth too. OMG, im so stupid!!!!!!! Had no clue all these people were doing meth, husband,sister sister boyfriend,nephew, brother and after everything we been threw with my oldest son(meth addict) and my wonderful grandchildrens mother, who just got out of prison after serving a little over 4 years. My grandchildren are 5&10, BRENDAN 5, HARDLY EVEN NOS HIS MOTHER. Im so sick of this shi !!!!!!! Who ever invented this s t should be killed. How can i still love this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Virgo59

I'm so sorry Jolinda. I don't know all your circumstances but I know you're not stupid. We want so badly for them to do well - and they know that - need the car to go to a meeting? sure; some money so they can eat? of course; need gas to drive to a job interview? absolutely. I've done it hundreds of times. The only good thing I can say about it is that each time they screw you over, you get a little bit stronger to say 'no' the next time. You hang in there and don't beat yourself up.

dollydo

Perhaps it is time to get real, not play lets pretend any longer. Addiction is real, your family is riddled with it, and the next generations have already inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction.

Why not take the bull by the horns and start making positive changes for you and your family? Crying about it is not going to change a thing..action is required. No more enabling, set your bounderies in place and follow through...say what you mean and say what you mean.

Have you read Codepndent No More? Are your going to meetings? If not, please consider doing both now.

jolinda

Im going to library tommarrow, to get codependent no more, and yes, but only one. And im going to one Tuesday, an Friday.

dollydo

That's it...be proactive...you can and will do this...I just know it!

Here for you...keep posting.

zoso77

Well, because you love him. Part of what makes addiction so pernicious is it takes away the people that we love. And when we love someone, we hold out for any sort of hope that somehow they'll smarten up and not do to themselves what they're doing.

So, I wouldn't call you stupid. I don't think you're stupid, either. But you're locked in a death rattle with a very sick person. And he's not the only person in your life that's been touched with the disease. The question, Jolinda, is simple:

What do you want to do about it?

Books are great in terms of filling in the gaps of your knowledge. But what's more important, if I may suggest this, is deciding you're no longer going to engage with this person on terms that will hurt you further. In other words, you're going to have to detach with love. I can tell you right now, he's going to do what he's going to do, and there's not a darn thing you can do to stop him from doing that. So that means you have to save your sanity and protect yourself.

For me...it was easy. No matter what I did, my AGF did whatever she wanted. Usually with disastrous results, too. So for me, the choice was go crazy to try to save her from herself, or get out of her way and save myself -- and my sanity. I chose the latter. It didn't mean I didn't love her. It meant I accepted she was in the hands of her Higher Power, and I had to allow her the dignity to make her own choices, for good or for ill.

Remember...Step One is admitting we're powerless over someone else's addiction. You can't help him. But you can help yourself...if you choose to.

Will be thinking of you tonight during my prayers.

Be Safe,
ZoSo

Windmills

He's an addict. I felt reading your post like you were expecting him to say 'whoa, well, that's me finished smoking meth forever.. Let's get back to our old life!' Reading him a letter isn't going to stop him going back out there. It might make him think for a minute, but it's not going to change his life. And while he's out there smoking meth, he definitely won't be thinking about it. He can't just snap out of it, he's sick and if he chooses to get better then he will need help. It's not a moral issue and he's not really making this 'choice' every day anymore.
Sorry, that's just what stood out most for me.

jolinda

I no i have alot of work to do on myself, i just thought he made it 10 days clean, all he had to do was stay home and get off this shi .I no that really sounds stupid, but im so sick of this. W hy doesnt he just stay gone, instead of putting our son Jake (20years old) And I threw this. Im trying to understand but its so hard.

babydoll99

You not stupid.addiction is just a f***ed up thing for the person and family.

Windmills

The drug use is really just a symptom of the real problem. He needs help- NA, other addicts in recovery, rehab, professionals in the field of addiction- in order to get better. If he just detoxes at home it won't fix anything.

KelleyF

Hi Jolinda,

Dont really have any advice, but I wanted to send you a hug

I cant imagine how difficult it is not only dealing with your husband; but also finding out about so many people in your family doing meth. They are sneaky !

But dont let any of their behavior fool you. You are not stupid - It was very thoughtful of you to share that letter with your husband. I think its just that with his mind on drugs; he isnt really capable of sustaining rational thought as to what he is doing right now.

Wishing the best for you and Jake.