Shaken & stirred... My AH is homeless and sucidal - and I turned him away.
 

No amount of meetings, books or posts prepares you for when your addicted loved one comes knocking at their lowest of lows. :(

This morning my buzzer rang and I was still lazing in bed when I had a "feeling" it was him. Yes it was. I was so irritated that I picked up the phone and the first thing I said was "What the f*ck do you want?" He sounded terrible as he pleaded with me to let him have our camping tent. I angrily told him I'd be down and hung the phone up.

I went and grabbed the tent which had sleeping bags in it (I never use it) and brought it to him outside the gate. He looked fecking horrible. He had nothing but the clothes on his back, he hadnt shaved in days and he had this wide eyed "dead" look to himself. Saw right through me...

me: "what the heck are you doing? Why all the extravagant lies about leaving to go work up north?"
AH: (shrugs shoulders) " you got the motorbike, what does it matter?"
Me: "that's not the point and you know it!!! You look like crap and you need help and get better... You need to be on your meds!!"
AH: (head shaking no) " I dont want to get better. I just want it to end. I'm not good at life. I f*ck everything up I touch... I just can't cope. (me wide eyed)
Me: you know I'm going to call the police as soon as you leave to tell them what you just said."
AH: (didn't seem to care) "I'll just deny everything."

I was so disgusted and shocked that I shoved a couple of bucks at him for coffee or whatever (I really didnt care) and told him never to come back.

Again, he just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. I watched him walk up to the corner and he didn't turn around. I then walked into my courtyard and got my mail yesterday. In it was a letter to my AH from our organ donor society in Canada - they sent back his form because he was only suppose to check one box :( and he had filled it out on mar 9

This is when I started to cry. I didnt know what to do. After calling my friend and sister in law, they convinced me to call the police and I did. I felt sick because I really saw it in his eyes that he was going to do it.

2 hours later I get a call from the police who found him and then took him to a pyche ward at a hospital 40 min away. I have no idea if they will keep him there or if he walks away and offs himself but I know this for certain... I won't be calling or seeing him. I just can't. :( Anything I have done has NEVER been enough and anything I do now (besides calling 911) will only drag me further down the rabbit hole with him.

This latest episode has affected me more than I want to admit and I am furious that although he wants to end his life, he HAD to come here and put me through his stuff yet again?!? Also, seeing the donor card right after... It is almost as though he is pulling every manipulative tactic so lll feel sorry for him.

And if those "tactics" don't work, I can see him harming himself to spite me and everyone else. it's the worst nightmare for a somewhat recovering codie like myself to do nothing except pray. However folks, when our addicted loved ones are this far gone that is the only thing that will save our sanity and release us from their addictive grasp. Calling 911 is mandatory if they are going to hurt themselves or others... I have to admit, for a brief second I debated on doing that. For if he did end his life, this chaos would end. I unfortunately know however I would be dealing with a whole new set of problems.

I guess my message from all of this to everyone who is new to their hell - that you need to learn to detach yourself as much as possible as NOTHING you say or do will accomplish anything unless the addict TRULY wants help and finds it THEMSELVES. They can steal, lie, cheat and sell everything for their habit so yeah, they can easily find help too without our hand holding, worrying and coddling.

If my AH (we have been separated for 5 months now) ends his life, I know it's going to be sad and a difficult time... but will know that all my enabling in the world didn't save him. Maybe turning my back on him will.

Iam so sorry you had to go thru that. I hope i can be as strong as u one day.IM working on it.Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it

(((Can))) - I'm pretty sure I was where he was, at several points of my addiction. Didn't want to fight to find recovery, didn't like where addiction had gotten me. I hope and pray that he doesn't go through with his plans, and am sorry you had to witness all this. Keep taking care of you, sweetie, let his HP take care of him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

You did the absolute right thing by calling 911. Without question.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Although it may sound trite, it's times like these that you do turn to your Higher Power. Because a lot of times, we can't handle feelings like this. They're too intense. So give it to God. Every day. Believe me, before I found program, I didn't buy into that. Now I do. And before I hit the rack tonight, I'll be thinking of both you and your husband.

Be Safe,
ZoSo

((Can)),
Keep strong girl! If he wants help, it is there for him.
It is his life and his choice.
Your choice, to protect your sanity, and yourself is the best thing
you can do, for both of you. All the people who care about you.

Feeling for you.
SL

Im crying reading your kind words... Thank you all - it means so much to me and being able to come here and express my darkest moments.

With love and much hugs to all,

You did the right thing, calling 911, and I can't even imagine how very painful this all was for you.

I do know the pain of watching our loved ones destroy themselves, and I pray every day for our addicts who still suffer. May every one of them find a better path before it is too late.

Hugs

This is heartbreaking. You certainly have strength calling 911. I hope they keep him there actually, and watch him and give him some counselling. I know you are angry and I have been fighting with my Aex lately, I can relate. I just wonder if all the anger registers or helps at all. For me I think it's masking my sadness. I don't think they hear it that much except maybe it makes them feel worse about themselves then they already do. I've been told I can love my addict to death, but I know that I cannot detach with anger, and I wish I could detach with love. I'm just not sure anger is the best emotion for me to go with. But it is so hard not to be angry with them. I'm a bit of a sucker and don't know your story but I see a very hurt and desperate AH, addiction is horrible, no matter what side of the fence you're on. A lot of the time the addict doesn't even want to be addicted but they're in the grip of an illness. This doesn't excuse them or have to influence our decisions to have contact with them, I hope he gets the help he needs and makes a choice to receive it.

Praying for you and your ah.

Hugs to you. I've been in similar situations with my AH and nothing can prepare you for it. It is deeply painful...and yet we have to choose to let go. We can't fix them... still doesn't make it easier.

It's a bitter journey because we have been separated since November and he has said on several occasions that he doesn't want to live if we split for good. A huge attempt at trying to keep me in a f.o.g. state of mind (fear, obligation and guilt). Thanks to kindeyes for that from a few posts ago.

I know deep down he hates what he's doing and what he's become and I shouldn't detatch in anger but when I try to detach with "love", I turn into a blubbering mess leaning more towards co-dependency and wanting to rescue him from himself. I then turn that around and say to myself "so who is going to rescue me?!" (sound of crickets here). Ja - it's me that's who. My AH has never been there for me during any stressful times in our lives because it upset HIM too much --- and even today... What the hell could I have done for him except to call 911? I feel terrible for swearing at him and telling him never to come back around here. It was like kicking a dog and I have never abused any animal in my life.

I'm not a vindictive person by nature and I give others MANY a chance. I might say something - express my feelings etc. but I have never turned my back on anyone who has asked for support. This is why I've been emmersed in this unbalanced, addictive "relationship" for wayyy too long and why I am finally cutting loose. It feels gross, unnatural and inhumaine but I have to do it for my own sanity. I FINALLY get it now.

Still really sucks and thus my anger comes out as a protectant against me ever sliding back into the chaos again.

I'm praying for everyone here tonight and your loved ones. I wish you a blessed rest and peace of mind and a much happier tomorrow.

Big hugs,

Oh boy. Your post really hit a delicate nerve with me tonight. It's so very difficult. You are taking care of you and it's very hard to come to the realization that there is absolutely nothing we can do to save them. You will be in my prayers tonight as will your AH.
gentle hugs
ke

So sorry to hear of the pain your going through, and the pain you Ah is going through as well, your doing the best you can they have to find there own way whichever way that may be, my therapist told me to not be afraid of my feelings , thats its ok to cry , its ok to laugh..sending you out prayers....

Boy does it ever feel unnatural, inhumane! You got that right...something about our makeup keeps us going back to the well. The part that we miss somehow is seeing from their perspective when they are cycling- either high, coming down or jonesing and treat us like total crap. Is that not inhumane? Why can we ignore how we are treated? I am just reflecting here.

I know you were knotted up when you posted this. But its helping me so thanks! Hang in there. And know that you are farther along than me and I've been dealing with it longer. Hugs.

Hi newnormal...

You know you have a valid point. How is it that we as abused spouses/friends/family (women and men) of addicted loved ones can 'ignore' the constant barrage of sh*t that flows steadily our way?

Over the past few weeks I have pondered something along this lines as I kept recalling crap memory after crap memory of my AH and the absurdity of my life and 'relationship' with him. The way he was so rude, ignorant and abusive towards me and then the 'switch' to (ha) normality would throw me for a spin that I just would be on eggshells hoping it would last.

That's the cycle of addiction and abuse (mental mostly for me). We as "normies" expect those with addictions to act with kindness, thoughtful behavior, caring attitudes, and just love. When we don't get it, we are shocked (because after all, we would never treat others like this!) and then stick around because we either feel we will show the person the way (ha) and/or we start to feel that we are the ones that are flawed. :(

Again, it's an abusive cycle that can hit ANYONE. :( No one is immune to it. Some (THANK GOD!) are able to detect it early and just get the heck out of there and man, I have a lot of respect and admiration for them.

For others like myself, I stick it out ... to the bitter end and you know, I felt that I really did stick it out a long time (almost 5 years) because I always had this mantra, that I would treat others how I want to be treated... that what if I had an addiction issue (with alcohol or drugs) and had a mental illness on top of everything to boot that wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late 30's? Wouldn't I want some to "champion" for me too?

However... I learned so much about myself (and still am because I do have moments of sadness and fear that my AH will be ending his life sooner than later and i have these energy bursts that I just sit on which are pretty physically/mentally painful).

I have learned that if I did have an addiction to drugs or alcohol and had a mental illness, that really, I would not want to put anyone else through this. I would not want to use, abuse, steal, lie or cheat on others and have them 'suffer' through my disease. :( I would have a choice... to get help from professionals, from donation societies, books, spiritual guidance, eating right, taking meds, sleeping properly etc. that I would have to do ON MY OWN. Now I see I wouldn't WANT anyone to be there for me if I was in the condition my AH is in. No fecking way!!

I think the farther we are from our addicted loved ones (mentally and physically), and the more we start to treat ourselves better, then I really believe that's when the healing truly begins. I was a codie addict and now I feel (thank you God!) I am starting to recover.

I'm rambling I know... It's almost 1:30 am where I am and I'm contemplative. I am mourning what could have been with my AH... what I allowed to happen and what can happen if I ever allowed addiction in my home again. Some sobering thoughts, but a good hot bath and a warm purring furry feline (or two) always seems to put me right again. :)

Speaking of... I think my rubber ducky is calling me! :duck

I know in my case that i can't stand to turn my back on people who need help either. It really cuts me up. I agree with that. I think it's because i have empathy and understand how it feels to emotionally hurt on a daily basis, and when i see someone else who is hurting (addict of not) i struggle to NOT help them.
That's the only reason i can see for my being as i am.

So sorry that you had to go through something like this. I apprecate your post also; and I do feel your pain as you write it, but I read things that concern me, and so I do hope that you continue with your own recovery and find the peace you so deserve.

I dont think that you need to justify kind actions towards your ex. Simple things like giving him the tent, or handing him a few dollars.... It is ok to do something and not expect anything in return... that doesnt make you weak - it makes you strong in my opinion.

And I hope at some point down the road, maybe you will be able to see that his intent at reaching out to you....when he is in emotional despair... and I say this because obviously he is suicidal....might not have been a deliberate attempt to keep you in a F.O.G. ..... maybe there are deeper reasons within him.

Peace.
Kel

I remember when my second AH pulled the suicide card out on me. I was far enough into my recovery that I didn't react. I simply told him to get help. I knew that all the love, care and concern for him as well as enabling that I had done for him in the past hadn't changed him into a clean and sober man and that if he was truly determined to kill himself there was nothing I could say or do to stop him. Actually I felt angry with him because he was trying to manipulate me by emotionally abusing me.

He didn't end up intentionally killing himself, but the drugs he so loved eventually played a role in his death. They don't realize it, but every time they choose to use they are slowly, but surely committing suicide.

Kudos to you for calling the police. Stay strong

Passion

RIP
William Scott Simmons
(google his name to read his story)

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a huge trigger for me too.

I'm tired of living in rear of when I will get the call that mine is gone. Your strength is helping me. I go from feeling that he will die any minute so I must not waste time, life is short and I need to tell him one more time that I love him and try to save him, that I need to hear his voice one more time before it is too late. I pathetically cry because I think I will never again get to smell him or feel his body before he dies and then I realize I am worrying and grieving over something that hasn't even happened. I realize my worrying is making me sick and that my fears are what are keeping me mentally on a roller coaster that I physically got off 2 months ago.

I can't move forward when I'm wasting time on the past. Still no contact for me. Thank you for sharing this.

Can- Thank you for this post. It brought tears to my eyes.

My ex husband was in that corner of self-destruction about 6 months ago. He told me himself he was trying to make it all go away. Now he is in active recovery living in sober housing.

Still, the pain doesn't go away. Your strength is so admirable.

Prayers to you...