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Shaken & stirred... My AH is homeless and sucidal - and I turned him away.



Shaken & stirred... My AH is homeless and sucidal - and I turned him away.

Old 04-04-2012, 01:06 PM
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Oh My!! I have been in your shoes... my oldest son was the addict in my life. He was ALWAYS threatening suicide. I called the police, hauled him to rehab, got him into sober living (which he was eventually kicked out for doing drugs). Nothing could have saved my son, the mental illness and addiction had literally sucked the life right out of him. He did commit suicide last August and I truly regret not telling him I loved him (despite his choices) the last time we spoke on the phone. The best advice I can give you is to truly commit to taking care of yourself. Do let 'him know that you care about him, love him, etc and will be there for him when he is TRULY ready to get help. That is what we did but the call out for help never came. I understand the anger all too much, to this day I am still angry at my son. I know it will pass in time but... taking care of you is the most important thing you can do.

Hugs to you,
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:56 PM
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Jalapeno, i'm sorry to hear that about your son. How are you doing?

Can't, the only explanation I can think of for myself is compartmentalization! I put his abuse of me in some separate and handy little box that I refused to see as the works of the real him. That is his evil twin, but he has a sweet side that my longing for has kept me trapped. It is a sick little mind game I have played with myself and have driven my loved ones crazy with. Its a cycle I am trying to break! I'm making progress thankfully.
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Old 04-06-2012, 06:10 AM
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(((CanfixONLYme))) How are you doing? Just wanted to check in!
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Old 04-06-2012, 10:47 PM
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Angry Manipulations and Blackmails, oh my...

Hi Hydrogirl and thanks all for posting your comments and thoughts. It really has helped me (especially over this past week).

All was 'quiet' on the homefront until today (almost 1 week since he came knocking on my door)...

My AH (whom I cannot wait to be divorced from now), called and left a message for me this morning thanking me for calling the police on his behalf last week... that he now is on his medication properly and is thinking a little more clearly. (HA!). With his next breath, he then proceeded to tell me that he feels that once I sell the motorcycle, he feels that the FAIR thing is to give him half of the proceeds. Not the money of course, he can't handle that at this time, but rather go with him to buy a second hand vehicle for $2K and help him buy some work stuff (tools, clothes etc) and also ensure that he puts the rest of the money towards getting his own place.

I was gobsmacked... I didn't think that he could be this ********. Sorry for using that word, and I don't mean to insult people who are mentally challenged either. My AH is insane... literally! After all this crap that happened JUST 8 days ago, he's acting like NOTHING has really happened and that he DESERVES MORE $$$ AND for me to HELP HIM WITH IT!?!?!

Feck me... I ignored the call. Smack me upside the head now I know I should have ignored it entirely. BUT I didn't. I left it for about 8 hours and then called the psych-unit where he's at and told him to basically forget it... that I was taking my time selling the bike, that even if I did sell it I prob. wasn't going to give him any $$ from it.

Yeah, he was ticked... tried to emotionally blackmail me by saying I was dishonoring our separation agreement - yada yada yada... and that he signed over the bike under 'duress'... HA! Yeah, "duress" of wanting to do drugs!! - I had given him $500 (as he said this was for him tide him over while he was up North working waiting for his first paycheque) - all lies... and that signing over the bike, he 'promised' there wasn't any strings attached. I've got all the text messages etc., and my older brother was there in person to witness everything that my AH did, so I'm not worried about it...

I'm just shaking my head at the audacity of him... the audacity of what addiction does to people and how low they will go to try to get their own way. I'm not a person in his eyes... just a means to and end (to get his fix).

AH ended up hanging the phone on my ear and then called back 5 min later to say that he was now going to have an audit done on me for estate work I did for his late aunt... that he's going to tell her relatives to investigate my actions etc. It's too long of a story to get into, but the gist of it is that we both were Executor(s) of the Estate and I had to work my ass of to get him taken off. He was so irresponsible that if he had been kept on, he would have prob. stolen all the $$ from the estate accounts... it was THAT bad. As it is, I did the best I could... and have worried myself sick since then about it. It's only been recently where I have accepted I did my best under the circumstances but my a**hole of an AH decides to play his 'trump card' to get me to freak out and sweat and be intimidated to give him what he wants?!

Screw him! Even if I did "give" him half of the $ from the motorbike, it'll just go up his nose, in his arm etc., anyway and then, that won't even be enough... he'll keep coming back and making more threats and trying to blackmail me with other crap.

I think someone posted here they were concerned over my emotions etc. about my AH... that maybe detaching with anger may not be the healthiest thing for me... I have to agree, but at the same time, it's almost impossible for me to detach with 'love'... Even though I know my AH is ill... very very ill in his addiction, it does not give him (or anyone else) the right to use and abuse others. There are always consequences to our actions and well, I'm trying to let him (and myself) know that I will not bend over anymore...

...that he can take his manipulations, lies, internal conflicts, addictions, selfish behaviour and find his own way to health or death. I know now there's absolutely NOTHING I can say or do that would make him happy. If I gave him $ it would be me not being there for him emotionally/physically. If I were to give him these things, he'd then find some 'excuse' of why these weren't enough...

... it's just never enough for him (them)... but it's MORE than enough for me and has been for a long time.

I'm now going to IGNORE all phone calls etc., from him and in fact, this coming Monday I will be looking into changing my #... actually, I'm going to look into it now.

Please, everyone... take care of YOU first and foremost!!! -- I'm FINALLY getting it... really. I'm exhausted and want to just sleep for the next few decades but am slowly getting myself back on track and realizing that this kind of interaction with someone so in the depths and throes of addiction is harmful and potentially deadly for my health (physically and mentally). And honestly, most of that I'm allowing to happen to myself for continuing this stupid 'dance' with AH.

I hate fecking addiction I hate it so much... sigh.

Here's to a blessed night of peace for everyone.

Hugs to all.
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Old 04-07-2012, 03:47 AM
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((((CFOM)))) Maybe for the sake of your sleep and sanity, have him (or his lawyer) call your lawyer?

I'm so sorry that it continues! No contact really is the best thing sometimes.....
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Old 04-07-2012, 05:22 AM
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Sometimes we detach in whatever way we can. I detached from my XAH with anger. At the time my anger was my only defense mechanism and it was effective. It got me out of a bad situation. The danger is in letting that anger (and resentment) continue long after the divorce is final. I let my resentment linger on far too long. It was unhealthy for me. Releasing the anger and resentment eventually was a huge relief and weight off my back.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I remember all of the crazy conversations, illogical demands, and roadblocks thrown in my way as I tried to get the divorce finalized. It was crazy making stuff.

One day at a time.....

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:38 PM
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I'm doing the "no contact" but the hospital called me this afternoon. AH went missing and they seem worried. They now have involved the police who just called to ask me questions.



I have a really bad feeling about all this... Nothing I can do I know but feck... Just nuts ...
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:40 PM
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Unhappy

Thoughts and prayers to everyone this eve - for family and addicted loved ones alike.

Wish there was a simple cure for all of this heartache. I really do.
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Old 04-08-2012, 10:57 PM
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Thinking of you, that's a tough situation I don't have any words of wisdom (it's not even 7am here, forgive me!) but you're in my thoughts anyway x
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Old 04-08-2012, 11:32 PM
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Exclamation Just called 911 - AH showed up at the apt. :(

Thanks Windmills, Kindeyes and all...

AH showed up at the apt. about an hour ago and rang the intercom. It went to my voicemail on my cell and his message was that he wanted his golf clubs (worth $1200) and his other stuff (what other stuff??) and that I didn't even have to talk to him... just bring 'them' down... yeah, at 10:30 in the eve... you want to go golfing or something? (not).

... As soon as I saw the call, I ran to the window and looked to see him walk across the street and sit down on the curb between two vehicles and just STARE at the apt building. It freaked me out. He was only wearing a t-shirt, jogging pants and runners.

I immediately called 911. It seemed like FOREVER until they got here. I felt sick to my stomach. A police cruiser came silently from one end of the street and as soon as the two police officers approached him, he got up and put his hands behind his back in the arrest position.

They calmly took him to their vehicle where they sat him on the grass to chat with him taking items from his pockets as they were doing so and putting them on the hood of their car. I thought I saw a knife, but I think I was imagining it because I was upset and not thinking clearly.

I just broke down at that point. I was looking down seeing my AH with his head bowed as the police (they seemed to be very kind and gentle with him) chatting etc., and wondering what kind of nightmare I was in...

About 10 min later, one of the officers came up and spoke with me and asked me for details about what was transpiring. I told them everything I wrote here on this post for you all. The officer found it 'strange' how my AH just gave himself up immediately... like he was expecting the police to show up.

The officer then asked me what I wanted to see happen and I said that I have repeatedly told my AH that he is not welcome here and tho' I don't feel physically threatened, it has been emotionally tolling for my health (and sanity) and that I really feel it pertinent to place a restraining order against him for that.

The officer wrote everything down and then indicated that my AH had a warrant out from the hospital he was at and they were returning him (in an ambulance). He then gave me a "victim unit" number to seek guidance and help to deal with this latest situation and said that they would do all they could to make sure he got the help he needed because it was obvious he was not well.

He didn't let it out, but I could see from his expression when I said that my AH's attitude is escalating to the point where he may do something to himself as a very last resort of making me feel bad (for life?)... I can just see him doing that... and it's very upsetting and sad because although I'd feel upset for a bit, it would not affect my life in the long run. Well, I hope it wouldn't.

Anyway, in total 2 police cars and an ambulance attended and it just seemed so surreal... like I was watching someone elses life... someone elses 'problem person'

I feel shell shocked right now. Like I'm just waiting for this all to happen all over again... him coming here to emotionally harass me into giving him what he wants, however he now knows my arsenal is to not even talk to him but rather to call the police. I wonder tho' if that will stop him?

I am praying he gets the help he needs (although I am very doubtful it's going to happen, unless there's a miracle), but I also hope he's finally gotten it in his head that he can no longer manipulate and draw me out to feel sorry/pity and give him what he wants and moves on...

Going to bed... just so freaking exhausted.
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:50 AM
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((((cfom)))) I'm sorry you had to go through that, but your AH is now in the hands of the people who can truly help him, I hope he reaches out for the help that is being offered.
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:58 AM
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Wow! It must have been so difficult, I know thinking 'if he shows up I'll call the police' and actually doing it are very different. Well done for being so strong and not allowing him to manipulate you any longer.
I hope he gets the help he needs, but he has to recognise that he needs it I guess. Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel GOOD in the morning, because you deserve to, you did the best thing you could tonight.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:24 AM
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I'm sending up a bunch of healing thoughts and prayers, for both of you
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