I feel so pathetic
 

I am so upset right now. I feel like an idiot. I read his text and I called him tonight. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't stop myself. Even at the last moment I was telling myself no but I did it anyway. It starts off calm enough, he tells me how well it is going. Good diet, great group of people and he is feeling better than he has in years. He tells me he is going to start a new job on Monday and needs some of his work clothes. I agree to pack him a bag for him to pick up in the parking lot of where I work. Then he starts asking me what I am thinking, meaning about our relationship. I am honest and tell him I don't know what I want for the future but I do know I am not ready for him to come back. He starts to bring up the how he left the house in the first place. That it was unfare how I made him leave, that I have to tell him what I want so he can make decisions. He wants to know if he should lease an apartment. He says he wants us back together but he needs to know what I want. And if I want a divorce we need to meet face to face and disscuss it. He went on and on and I stoped him and said that he can't put me as any reason for what he needs to do. He wouldn't stop talking, that is his way, he doesn't stop untill he gets his point across. I finally told him I had no answer for him and that I didn't want to talk anymore. He agreed, kept going for a bit and then I finally hung up. After that he send three emails apoligising, saying how much he misses us. And the last one saying that he was watching one of my TV shows "LOL" he actually wrote LOL. He never does that. Is he insane or am I. I was a mess today crying and blaming myself for his suffering and then this happens. I know I shouldn't have picked up. I was lonely and the kids were acting up and I thought maybe we could have a normal conversation. I am such a fool. A weak fool.

((( Yez)))
You have some decisions to make that involve your family. What he is feeling about you and he takes second place. I know it's hard, but while he has serious things to work out so do you.
Keep focused on what is in the best interest of all (your family) and not what would work out well for him.
Keep posting, we care.
(((Hugs)))

You are not a fool. You are not an idiot. You are a good mother and an abandoned wife making extremely difficult life decisions in an unstable and terrifying situation.

The reason for avoiding any attempt to have a normal conversation with him is that his brain is obsessed with drug-seeking, every minute, every day. That's what it wants. Normal conversation with that brain will not happen. That brain has other plans.

He may badger you because--unconsciously--his brain is setting up yet another reason to drug. Addicts create stress because stress triggers using.

You love him. You want him back. You want a husband and a father for your children. Your desires are normal.

And the best thing that can happen to him which offers him a chance to be that man again, some day, is a hard bottom.

Stepping away allows him to experience every painful consequence of drugging (absence of wife, absence of children, absence of home, absence of dignity). Then he has a chance for a hard bottom. If he thinks he has normal marriage problems because he's a normal guy with a confused wife.....he'll never see the real problem.

So just read some books to your babies, tuck them in tight, and let him stay out there feeling all the pain of life as a drug addict. Some good can come of that.

I know what you are saying is true but it hurts so much. I'm sorry I am just a mess right now

I know, Yez. Just hold on, dear. Angels are all around you.

Beating yourself up doesn't do you any good, you know.

If taking care of ourselves was easy, none of us would be here on the board. In fact, the board wouldn't exist. Our feelings are our feelings, and there are times they become very intense. So, just be mindful of them, accept them, and push forward. Is it easy? No, of course not. But the good news is our feelings, as uncomfortable as they are, won't kill us.

You have to take care of you. He has to take care of him. And that's where you're at, one moment at a time if need be. Each of you has to recover in your own way, and that takes work. Sometimes really hard work.

I hope that you've found a Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting close to you so that you can get support locally.

Please be safe.

ZoSo

One day at a time. Do you know the difference between a bad day and a good day? One day.

gentle hugs
ke

Hi everyone. I finally got the nerve to contact a therapist. I have a meeting on Friday. I am pretty nervous. I have always been very closed about my feelings. This is the first time, in this forum, that I have ever been so open. The way I was raised I suppose. But my AH has been contacting me and I am weakening. My sister won't be able to visit me till June. I need some more help. I really hope this works. Please send some positive thoughts my way guys. Need all I can get. Maybe send the sandman too. Still can't sleep, its starting to wear me down.

Thanks for the tip anvilhead. I will try it.

Yez- I hear what you are saying. The chaos, the hurt, the pain, the worrying, I get it all. It can be a burden that is so tough to bear. Just know that whoever your God is knows that you have the strength to get through this.

It is hard, especially when you have kids that depend on you. Keep strong for them - they will know who their rock is. Also know you are setting a good example for how we deserve to be loved.

Hugs to you....as for me...I sleep with a fan on - the white noise does wonders.

Hugs.

Thank you guys for the words and advice. I used the TV and my fanto keep cool. I think I got about 2 hours sleep last night.
Lets hear it for progress!

Fortunately, I have lots of trees on my property, so, I hang wind chimes everywhere, they relax me and help me to sleep.

I am glad that you are getting some help.

Everything will be ok...try to not obsess.

Yez, the ADDICTION is contacting you. Not your husband. Try to remember and it will help you stay away for now.

All good advice above. I remember in the traumatic times I slept on the couch for months. I lived alone and didn't like the feeling of isolation in my bedroom at the end of the hall. So I had a labrador on one dog pillow and a corgi on another dog pillow and two cats who squeezed in wherever they could fit.

When I was a child I loved taking afternoon naps on the couch, it felt safe. So that's what I do when I need to feel safe, I sleep on the couch, TV on, turned down low. (Hallmark channel has nice shows).

Stay safe, Yez.