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Gotta do something - should I do this

Old 03-30-2012, 03:30 PM
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Gotta do something - should I do this

I just read all my posts from years ago, and I can't believe how bad it was, funny how you forget, It took me so much to get away the last time about 9 or so months ago, why would I forget all that and want to move back in? At least living separately we have been able to have some kind of relationship and I've had to hang up on him various times and turn the phone off but at least I can sleep at night and have the option of doing that.

He is calling today, his money is gone, he wants money, I told him I'll get groceries delieverd to him that I'm going in the hospital. What if I lie and tell him I have to go back east to get surgery and my family insisted I be there so they can take care of me? I know lying is bad but...maybe it's the best thing to do?

he just accused me of trying to control things because I want to get him groceries instead of cash.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:37 PM
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Why not just say "NO"? Why lie? If his money is gone he can go to a food bank or shelter.

What are you thinking? And, why?
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:43 PM
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He can't walk, he has some serious disabilities
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:46 PM
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I pay for his rent, I told him when he moved out I will give him 750 a month to pay for his groceries and food, like an alimony thing. But now, since a few months ago, he gets 350 more on his disability, which he got approved for. So now I don't think I should have to give him quite as much, because our original agreement for 750 was when he was only getting 550 a month. At any rate, he always wants more. he is mad right now and figures I'm trying to control things.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:47 PM
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I do have to do his laundry, usually I do his cleaning and groceries but I am not too well the last few weeks. you have to understand this man is disabled.

I also pay for his cell phone.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:49 PM
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Isn't he your EX husband?
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:52 PM
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Ex it doesn't matter, he is my friend, he is my ex live in never actually married. I just wanted to arrange it so I don't hve to give him as much because he gets more on his disability and arrange it so I don't give him anymore than that said amount. I pay the rent myself or else he'll blow it. usually I bring the groceries, he's used to getting the cash and the groceires. I'm trying to keep this reasonable, I am not making money right now as I have my own health problems My idea is if I say I'm in the hospital he will lay off me
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:53 PM
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I'm in the UK so the situation with healthcare is different, but if you refused to care for him anymore, would it be possible for his family or a professional career to take on the role? I imagine it's very difficult for you to move forwards when you're still so stuck.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:53 PM
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I am not court ordered
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:54 PM
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I just don't want him to end up on the street, I left once before and he eneded up in the hospital where they did these surgeries that never worked and that's why he's so sick today. I dont want that to happen again.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:55 PM
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Also, if I had to lie to someone to get them to stop making demands on my time or finances, I don't think I would consider them a friend. What do you think would be the outcome if you told the truth?
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:56 PM
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He could get some home care but he wont really allow it, I tried to get nurse care before but he denied it and didn't want them coming after the first time. If they go to his place they'll be disgused I'm sure it's a mess because I haven't been around to help clean it for a couple weeks.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:58 PM
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I did tell him the truth today, that he gets rent and food and phone nothing more, that I won't give him cash. He was mad said I am trying to control him. Part of me is worried he may come out to where I live but he'd have to pay someone to drive him here I am non bus access hard to get to me. I did that on purpose.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:59 PM
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byw I may very well end up in the hospital because I get a lot of heart palpitations.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:07 PM
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Oh boy, sounds like you are creating alot of stress for yourself.

Do you attend any meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, it might be a good idea for you to consider doing both.

In the meantime read the stickies at the top of this forum, read others posts it may help you to understand codependency.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:08 PM
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If the option for home care is there, I personally would hand it over to them. He refuses it because he knows you will do it. This relationship can't be good for you? If his place is a mess that's NOT your shame to carry. Give it back. To me you appear to feel obligated to do these things for him, is that correct?
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:10 PM
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I can imagine this is not an easy situation to deal with, I'm sorry you're going through it. You have to take care your health as well!!

What does he spend his disability on? Am I right to assume he is an active alcoholic/addict?
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:22 PM
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Somehow my "lie" worked. Told him I'm going to the hospital, getting neighbour to drive. Suddenly he backed off pressure for money groceries and even told me that he thinks the pressure to move back east is making me stressed so he said we'll put it on the back burner for awhile. I know lying is stupid but in this case, it worked to get the pressure off me. Besides I'm going to go for an ECG anyways.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:25 PM
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Yes he blows the money, he is in active addiction but trying to wean off apparently. Today he is fairly sane, yesterday he was not. It literally took this lie to get him to back off me. And it's really true, I do have health problems right now. If he sees that my health is bad, maybe he'll step up himself and allow some extra help. he's all of a sudden reasonable once he realized I really am sick
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:31 PM
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I am not tracking this, at all.

You pay his rent so he can use his disability check to buy crack. He calls you controlling when you buy him food instead of giving him cash because he wants crack.

You have your own health problems and need professional help to sort this all out but don't have the money because you pay his rent and buy him food so he can spend his disability check on crack.

What is holding you back from changing your phone number and jumping in your care and heading back home? He can't walk so he can't chase you and he's not going to follow you because all his money goes to..... crack.
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