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Gotta do something - should I do this

Old 03-30-2012, 07:55 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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(((Faithfully)))
I know the torment of watching someone self destroy. My son is an addict. But all the things I thought would soften the wounds, only helped him to maintain his addiction. If I were an addict I would have responded the same.

He is now doing better than he has in a while (I think) and we have very little contact. I was a big part of the problem. I allowed him to continue in a life style that was necessary to maintain his addiction. I'm not proud of that.

We can either stick around and help to allow them to get worse, or cut some ties and wait for the call. My call hasn't come, and I was sure it would if I let him go.

Something to think about...
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Old 03-30-2012, 08:03 PM
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I will think about that and yes, I don't want to contribute to the problem. When I was back east he got some minor help, and yeah, I see what you'all are saying. I went to some counselling that was offered through social assistance last year, only 6 times I was allowed to go, I think that's what helped me get out of living with him. Counselling is expensive but maybe I'm eligible for more counselling now that I'm living in a new neighbourhood...I can try local social services. In the meantime I will keep going to 12 step groups, thank you all for your insights, sharing and experience. I know that you all have had similar feelings and it means a lot to me, like I said this board is real important to me and hopefully I can also give back, I hope. This is breaking my heart. But I will keep praying and try to do the next right thing.
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
He is almost 40, he is pretty sick, but sometimes I think he makes himself look sicker to me.

I think you are onto something important, here.


I just wish he would get some help for himself. If I got to take myself out of the picture entirely I will. As for me and my life and what makes me happy, I am not functioning well, even though I've managed to live apart for almost a year. I'm very depressed.
You will be able to afford counselling for yourself, when you decide to stop supporting and enabling him.

Addiction causes him to do whatever it takes to protect and sustain it. Lying and manipulation are the tools of addiction. His crack addition is likely the only thing that will put him into an early grave. It is quite possible to love someone to death.
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
Maybe I could arrange just to pay his rent and that's it. Certainly he could make due on the rest of the money he has. Then I could go no contact.
He can pay his rent with his disability check. That's what disabled adults do.

If he chooses to blow it all on crack, that's his choice to do so and his choices have consequences. None of us have the right to impose ourselves and money between an addict's choices and the consequences.

Until he experiences the consequences, there is no, zip, nada chance that he will consider the alternatives.
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Old 03-31-2012, 01:36 PM
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Here is the shakedown with my exabf:

I tossed him out over 3 years ago...he continued to use crack, drink and who knows what else, lived on the street, really didn't bother him, he has done it before.

He now gets SSI, $1080 per month as he has mixed connective tissue disease, 3 types
of autoimmune disease...caused by using drugs for over 25 years. He is basically crippled, all because he couldn't let the dope go. He rents a mobilehome and now has a scooter, he probably weighs 130#...all because of his bad choices.

I do not help him, I have no contact with him...the only reason I know anything about him is because I am friends with his sister and her daughter recently died, so, I saw her at the funeral and she just had to unload and I was who she chose.

I am not responsible for him, I did not cause him to use, I am not his keeper and I will not
enable him or for that matter have any contact with him. It's over, he made his choices and I make mine.

IMHO you are a big part of the problem, you need to work on you, your issues that run much deeper than your enabling him.

The money you waste on him can be used to get you healthy, so you can live a healthy, fullfilling life, until you get healthy...nothing will change for you or him.

The ball is in your court.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:11 PM
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Horrible day today with this, saw him this morning and spent time for the first time in a couple weeks. We ended up fighting as usual. Yesterday my hostpital lie got him to back off but he called and asked for food money, I sent him a bit which obviously on part went to food. He called me first thing in the morning, before I was even up.

He is really disappointed as am I because I can't seem to go back east with him or put up with his lies and stuff anymore, I keep calling on his **** and he isn't liking it. He wants the rent money in cash as he wants to go back east by himself. He said he got bad news from the doctor and time for him is running out. He does not think his problem is drugs except he can never get enough, as it is the only thing that helps his pain. He also said he spent his money on pull tabs and scratch and wins so he wouldn't buy dope. I should never have answered the phone, I had a nice day planned at a pow wow I was looking forward to for a month now, I'm back at hom and a mess, I still want to go to the pow wow. I don't want to give him the cash for the rent, I told him I'll buy him a ticket to go back east but I don't want to be responsible if he blows all that cash and hurts himself or hitchhikes and gets hurt as he said he would do that instead of the bus. This is the first month, - second month I've been trying to put my foot down about not giving cash. I might change my number today. This breaks my heart, I wanted it to work for us to be together back east in a small town where there are no drugs, and be with him til the end if need be. And I'm not sure what is meant by my issues run deeper than enabling him, I know that, I 'm a recovering addict myself with no self esteem who has been off pot, cigs for two weeks and 0 ability to handle stress. (I don't do hard drugs, just pot and cigs and beer and I stopped drinking almost 8 months ago) I've been straight and doing what I can for my health including meetings, reading NA lit etc and staying clean, putting my sobriety first.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:16 PM
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I do not want to love him to death. I want this to change and I know it starts with me. Maybe I should just pick him up a ticket to go back east, change my number and move on. Where I'm going to go? Who knows. I'll just keep trying and praying.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:24 PM
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In time maybe I can get over my problems, maybe before it's my time to go too. 15 years on and off I've tried, but clearly, it has not worked. All I ever wanted to be was a good person but turns out, I simply wasn't.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:25 PM
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He said he knew I was going to back out on going to live with him. And that I've screwed up his plans by making false promises. And that I don't know what I'm doing. I guess he is correct.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:26 PM
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Ok. If my XABF was to call me and say those things, I'd know he was lying.
Can I ask, what is his disability? If you'd prefer not to say that's fine of course!
If he wants to go back east, why should you pay for it? If he wants to squander his money (read: spend it on drugs and crap as he knows he will get plenty more from you if he spins you a really bad line) then why should you fill in the gap?
Doing something just because it's what you've always done is NOT a good enough reason to keep doing it.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:28 PM
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He's screwed up your plans with his insane, chaotic addiction. I'm sure when you married him 15+/- years ago, this wasn't in the plan.
He's manipulating you and saying things he knows will touch a nerve.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:35 PM
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Windmills, I think you're right about him just expecting more if he spins a real bad line. I don't think I'll ever trust that he calls me for anything else other than getting money. It's very hard to get back trust once it's been broken. I told him maybe I would consider moving in again if he were in recovery for a year. That really made him angry. Truthfully I am somewhat scared to change my number, if he can't get ahold of me on the phone, he may just figure out a way to get to my place, that scares me.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:35 PM
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Alternatively, I can pack and be out of here quickly if need be.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:36 PM
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Maybe I'm just paranoid.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:37 PM
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You are a good person! Too good in fact.

Wanting to care for someone else does not make you a bad person. The problem here is when you are a giver and the other person is a taker. In a healthy relationship both people take care of each other, its all about balance! There is no balance in this relationship...he's taking, taking, taking and will continue to do so until there is nothing left of you. The only way to stop it is to stop it. We all know how hard that is but it's the only thing you can do to take control of the situation and your life. you can do it and you deserve to be happy.

((hugs)) to you
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:37 PM
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His disability is Hep C, plus he can't use his arm and his leg well because of the surgeries and the docs say staph infection in his blood, also the doc put on his report "lifelong addiction".
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:40 PM
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faithfully,

this person who is saying these terrible things to you while taking your money has a brain that has been severely compromised by his addictions.
remember having you call 911? why? because he wanted your attention. King Baby.
buying scratch offs as a plan to make money with your money? that is insane.

I dont think I have ever told someone to run away. But, I think you should change your number, get some transportation, and cease all contact with this emotional and financial vampire. Run away faithfully, far far away where your kindness will be returned with kindness.

Beth
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:40 PM
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Well heartbroken, thank you, I guess he does give, he listens to me, he has been there as an ear for me over the years, he truly has shown concern for me and I do think that he loves me. But as far as a partner, ? if he was afraid of spending money on dope, he could have given it to me to hold onto for him, or to use for food, laundry, or even paying me back some. I would hold onto it for him, he knows that. so I have a hard time buying that from him. A real partner or friend wouldn't do that.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:43 PM
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I don't know how dangerous he is- only you know him that well. What would you fear happening if he was to get to your place?
None of this is your fault. You don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy. You don't mention what you want at all through the whole 3 pages of this thread.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:45 PM
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Wicked thank you, he even admitted that he wanted me to come back, that's why he had me call 911, me, I just instinctively called my friend to call 911 for him, not seeing properly, I just wanted him to get medical attention because in fact, he was sick at the time and in a hotel, and the hotel manager had told me he almost drowned himself in the bathtub falling asleep in it with the water on. I knew he was sick when I left for back east in 2007. He even admitted he thought I would turn around and go back if he said he had to call 911, (he admitted this today interestingly enough) but I was already in Ontario, and my parents were expecting me, and my dog who was with me at the time also needed to get some surgery at the vet. I had been living in my van for over a month at the time, after moving out from him because the situation was impossible for me.
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