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Gotta do something - should I do this

Old 03-30-2012, 04:31 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I feel obligated, he is quite ill. I have tried my best but now I am sick. I have read codependent no more several times, I read the stickies I love this forum and I know I have a long way to go, I got to 12 step meetings.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:36 PM
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He might be ill, but there are professionals out there trained in addiction, mental illness and medical illness. There is help out there. You're not it.
Has anything ever changed with the help you're providing? Is this situation getting better or worse? Do you have any time for you, what do you do to relax or enjoy yourself?
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:39 PM
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What is holding you back from changing your phone number and jumping in your care and heading back home? He can't walk so he can't chase you and he's not going to follow you because all his money goes to..... crack.

You have a point, he likely won't follow me right away. He also buys cigarettes and alcohol. The last two weeks I gave him no money so he did have to buy his food too. He is in chronic pain and says he needs it for pain.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:41 PM
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What is holding me back? Simple, 15 years, love, and a friendship that sometimes is good. I left in 2007, he ended up in the hospital with surgeries that have disabled him for life. I will not do it again.
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:51 PM
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When is it good? When he's high on crack and he doesn't need anything from you that minute? Do you want your whole life to be about trying to save him and feeling like this?
Those surgeries weren't your fault. It seems like you feel guilt about that. He didn't get sick because you left- he just got sick. It would have happened just the same if you hadn't left?
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:59 PM
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Well, you have decided to continue to enable him so I really don't know what to say...except...I wish you the best.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:00 PM
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I do feel guilty about leaving, and those surgeries. He was sick before but then I was travelling, in Ontario he called me to call 911 he was really sick. I tried but couldn't I was in ONtario and couldn't call he was in BC. I called a friend who said that she would watch out for him and she called. They took him to the hospital and put him in ICU. I called everyday. He was in ICU for 2 weeks they said he had flesh eating disease. He thinks the lady who I asked to call said to the ambulance he was a drug addict. They knocked him out in the ambulance.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:02 PM
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He ended up on the streets afterwards with wounds that weren't healed. I sent him money western union for food. very little at a time. I ended up coming back out west a few months later. He moved in with me again.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:12 PM
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I am only trying to help him enough so that he will have a roof, and food. It's the other stuff I don't want to help with. I guess you're right I'm enabling. I'm trying to wean him off me now and get him to reach out and rely on others. I just can't cut off all support. I know this whole thing just is a mess.
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:22 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I am only trying to help him enough so that he will have a roof, and food.

That's the sole purpose of his disability check.

It's the other stuff I don't want to help with. I guess you're right I'm enabling.
You might as well be the crack dealer who makes home deliveries.

I'm trying to wean him off me now and get him to reach out and rely on others. I just can't cut off all support. I know this whole thing just is a mess.
Who else is going to pay his rent, buy him food and clean his house once he's blown his disability check on crack?

Until he's cut off, he has absolutely no reason to remotely consider other alternatives.
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:25 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I do feel guilty about leaving, and those surgeries. He was sick before but then I was travelling, in Ontario he called me to call 911 he was really sick.
Did you ever wonder why he did not call 911 himself?
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:30 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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It's the other stuff I don't want to help with. I guess you're right I'm enabling.
------
You might as well be the crack dealer who makes home deliveries.
------

This is just a mean thing to say in my opinion.
He would be using without het help, except now he would be homeless or possibly dead. It's not a good situation granted- but really.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:14 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Ok... So you give him $750/ mo, he gets $900/mo in disability. You pay his rent, do his laundry, clean his house, and you mentioned something about his phone too. Do you pay for that as well? It sounds to me that he has sufficient funds to live off of. I'm sure with his disability he's eligible for food stamps and subsidized housing.

What does he do for himself? Does he have any responsibilities at all? How old is this man?

He called you to call 911???? Doesn't that strike you as odd?

Trust me I totally understand feeling like you have to take care of this poor helpless man (I'm not being sarcastic, he sounds pretty helpless). But he's NOT helpless..you're just making him helpless by always being there to take care of everything for him. He has no reason to ever consider taking care of himself - he has you and doesn't need to!

I hope you get to the point where you realize your life is valuable. That you deserve to live a good life and be happy. Sure, it hurts knowing he's suffering because you care about him but does that mean you should have to suffer too? You are not helping him. You are part of the problem. I'm sorry if that hurts to hear but it's true. Someone said that to me and it was like a baseball bat to the head. Finally knocked a little sense into me. He will find a way to take care of himself if you are not around. I have no doubts about that.

Let go and let God
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:18 PM
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Is it possible he's MORE sick because he's abusing crack?

You are enabling him to spend his disability on crack, ciggs, and alcohol. He should have more than enough to pay for his living costs. The fact is, he doesn't have to because you cover those things for him.

I understand it's not easy and you feel guilt but you're not helping him by enabling him to afford the crack and whatever else.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:31 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
It's the other stuff I don't want to help with. I guess you're right I'm enabling.
------
You might as well be the crack dealer who makes home deliveries.
------

This is just a mean thing to say in my opinion.
He would be using without het help, except now he would be homeless or possibly dead. It's not a good situation granted- but really.
See that's the double edged sword... he could be dead if we allow them to comfortably continue. If things are made tougher, then maybe something can stop before it gets to that point. We can't stop what they insist on doing, but we can certainly not contribute. And the less we are involved, the better chance we have of understanding that it had nothing to do with OUR decisions.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:32 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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He would choose to spend his money on alcohol, drugs cigs etc and be homeless, that's how all this mess happened in the first place. I want to cut down the amount I give him so he will have to learn to spend some of his money on the stuff he should be spending it on.

It is very odd he had me call 911, he said later he wanted me to come back and not leave. I should never have called that friend of mine to call 911 it was the worse mistake I ever made.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:37 PM
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Honestly I am so depressed, when he thought we would go back east together he actually started to take care of and cover his wounds and cut down on stuff a bit, like it gave him hope. You're right, it's a double edged sword. You know I never thought it was wierd he called me to call 911, he was living in a hotel and said he couldn't call from there, that he tried. I was pretty messed, driving cross canada, I guess I wasn't thinking. I guess I'm still not. I may have to go no contact, I just don't know how I'm going to do that.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:39 PM
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Maybe I could arrange just to pay his rent and that's it. Certainly he could make due on the rest of the money he has. Then I could go no contact.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:41 PM
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He is almost 40, he is pretty sick, but sometimes I think he makes himself look sicker to me. I just wish he would get some help for himself. If I got to take myself out of the picture entirely I will. As for me and my life and what makes me happy, I am not functioning well, even though I've managed to live apart for almost a year. I'm very depressed.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:55 PM
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Have you ever considered counseling....for yourself?
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