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Now what? Please don't slam me for this, I just want your thoughts. My husband just got out of rehab Friday for cocaine addiction. He went right back to work on Monday and has been hard at it since Monday. He owns a company (with a partner) and is a really hard worker. His job can be stressful, which worries me....but I know it shouldn't because I have no control over that. They are developers and do site work on properties prior to new neighborhood developments (curb and gutter, pipelines, excavation, etc). He has not gone to a single meeting since he got home. We are going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting together tonight. There is not an NA here, but we do have an AA group and he has been a couple of times but isn't wild about it. He said it was "F this, F that, GD, I want to use" a real downer. We are attending marriage counseling, church, and he does a men's bible study on Saturday mornings. Celebrate Recovery is like AA, but more faith based and typically associated with a church. My concern is.....even with all of these activites, other than tonight's meeting, none of it is specifically focused towards his recovery. Know what I mean? Is that setting him up for failure? Also, Spring Break begins this weekend and we are out all next week. My Aunt and I were invited by a dear girlfriend to come to the beach (she lives on the beach) with the kids to stay for a couple of nights next week. Would I be wrong for leaving AH alone for 2 nights this soon after rehab or is it raging codie for me to even think this way? In other words, by going would I be not supportive and/or by staying would i be trying to control the situation. Clearly if he wants to use he will do it whether I am around or not.....but is leaving him alone for 2 days asking for trouble? Please don't attack me....just tell me your thoughts, experiences, suggestions as I am sincerely asking for feedback. Not sure what I need to do here. |
In the past did your mere presence stop him from using? |
My XAH used when I was there and when I wasn't there. Didn't matter. |
Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't see a problem with going away for a couple of days. Your life has to go on...whether your husband is using or not. Life doesn't stop being he starts using, is in recovery, struggling, etc. When my boyfriend (addicted to heroin, currently living in a sober house doing really well) would start using again, or try to get clean, my world would just stop and my full attention would be focused on him and whatever the situation he was dealing with was at the time. And people would always tell me to focus on ME. I know that sounds selfish however, you need to allow him to make decisions for himself. Unfortunately the harsh reality of addiction is that if your husband wants to use, he will do so whether you are spending every minute trying to control the situation, or you are away. You have to keep reminding yourself that it is HIS recovery, HIS journey, HIS decisions to make whether to get high or stay sober. Someone on this forum (I don't remember their name) says, "Hands off the addict". I try to think of that saying daily. It helps. Be supportive and loving, but keep in the back of your mind that it is HIS recovery and HIS disease that HE needs to deal with. Wishing you nothing but the best. <3 |
I usually get slammed for my opinion so take it with a grain of salt; but if I was in the situation.... I would ask him how be felt about it. If he says he thinks your presence is necessary, then I'd ask him why? And talk about what stop measure your presence represents to him....what he can do for himself to fill that need if your not there. I think a trip to the beach would be great for you and the kids; you have to live your life still....and enjoy.... |
Maybe you could talk to him, and let him know you scared to leave him alone. Like a good talk, not a accusing talk. Ask him about it. I know for some people being alone triggers issues, but it seems like your husband keeps himself pretty busy. Maybe he could share what his plans will be for the 2 days. I would think that 2 days of fun would be great for you (even though you might worry a bit) It is not like you are leaving him for a month.. you know. I just think talking it over in a positive way might help. My 2 cents :) keep us posted, and take care :) |
My logical brain knows you are all correct, my codie brain is saying "are you crazy? how could you leave him alone this soon "unattended" haha! Sorry, but the "unattended" part is funny to me. I know that I did more than my part when I chose to stick by him through this mess, would've been a lot easier to walk away (at least temporarily), as this revelation has turned my world upside down. Not to mention all the weekend trips I left my children with family so I could go trecking up there to his rehab for Family Day and counseling. Don't get me wrong, those things were my choices and I don't regret them......but you are right, it's high time I do something for myself for a change, not to mention my babies. So why am I so damn nervous about it? |
Hi gurlie: You're nervous because you know that if you're at the beach, you won't be in control of whatever happens at home. I used to feel that way when I lived under the same room with my AS. But over time it got to the point where I became afraid to leave the house; every time I did, it seemed that something bad happened. So my AS learned he could blame w/e on me. From my experience, I'd suggest not setting that pattern of staying home to stand guard. Set yourself free and go to the beach! |
Anvil, You are right. Those things are about his recovery.......particularly because they are all things he DID NOT do prior to rehab. His rehab counselor kind of put the fear of God in me when we sat down to do the sign out last Friday. He asked me what kind of things we would be doing to fill in the gaps (of particular concern for Patrick because he is such a doer.....counselor felt that too much idle time is dangerous for him, especially in the beginning). So when I named the things I listed above (church, marriage counseling, bible study), he said, "Those are fine, but what about his recovery"? Kind of shocked me and honestly ticked me off a bit because I am not responsible for his recovery. I guess the point here is, everyone is different, every plan is different, every counselor is different, every addict is different. What is NOT different is that I cannot control a blasted thing he does, attends, wants to attend, doesn't want to attend. Thank you for pointing that out to me. See? I'm learning! :c031: I am not responsible for him. Period. |
Amen to that! |
gurlie I am surprised he is only going once a week. Most people here who attend Celebrate Recovery also go to AA or NA since Celebrate Recovery is only once a week. In the end, what works most is how well he works his program. This you can't control which leads me to your trip. Yes you should go to the beach. If he is going to use will find a reason or time. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. |
Thank you Shockozulu! I am definitely going to go to the beach. I have missed out on far too much for worrying with him. I have discovered, maybe rediscovered, the power of "authentic community" aka "girlfriends". There is nothing quite like em when you are down and out and mine have been wonderful to me. INCLUDING some that I met right here at SR. Reaching out.....I have finally begun to accept that it is not a bad thing, or a sign of weakness! |
I'm glad you've decided to go gurlie, a couple days away with your kids and great friends will do you a world of good, especially with how overwhelming things have been. And you're going to the beach, I'm jealous!! Enjoy it :) |
I'm glad you've decided to go gurlie, a couple days away with your kids and great friends will do you a world of good, especially with how overwhelming things have been. And you're going to the beach, I'm jealous!! Enjoy it :) |
KRYSTAL, there you are! I've been looking for ya! ;) |
I think this is a step that's important for you to take--letting whatever your husband decides to do while you are gone be his responsibility not yours. It's letting go of control. Each time you let go, it will get easier and easier. You have to take the first step for it to get easier next time. Have fun at the beach! |
Either this counsellor is a goof ball or something got lost in the translation. You are not the rehab camp counsellor. It's not your job to keep your husband busy, so he won't relapse. Enjoy your time at the beach with the kids. Your husband is going to do whatever he's going to do, no matter what you do, or not. |
I was just saying to talk to him about it, because it would give him a chance to let you know if it would be hard on him to be without you guys for the 2 days. This probably doesn't relate, but when my friend quit using she was such a basket case(i understand) that she did not want to be alone(without Bf) for a few months. She didn't trust herself, but like I said talk it over and see what he would want in your own unique case. I know every person is diff. thoughts and prayers :) |
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