Old 03-29-2012, 07:19 PM
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Question Codependent?

I read something , i think Leslie posted about being codependent. I was amazed , it sounded just like me. Or am i looking for something to blame myself for? I know deep down my AH its his problem but alot i catch myself thinking what could i have done different.I work, clean house grocery shop, laundry, work in yard ,cook every night, amoung that, spend time with my grand children, bNut thats wonderful. I keep thinking ive done something wrong along the way.I take care of my mother, help my AS, and everyone else. I am so tired of being the strong one. Joe told me , if i do leave, youll be ok because your strong. I dont feel strong anymore. My family gives me no support.Ilove them but im tired. Am i codependent? Need support please
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:36 PM
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Jolinda, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I know I had (and still sometimes have) those same feelings... What did I do wrong? What I've learned though is the 3 C's: i didn't cause it, i can't control it, and i can't cure it. Keep repeating the three C's every time you start thinking about what you may have done to cause someone else's addiction. The only cause is that the addict chose to take drugs.. It has nothing to do with you!

I can't say if you're codependent. I know I am as are a lot of the other people on here. Being codependent does not mean you caused your loved ones addictions though.

There's a great sticky that will help you figure out if you're codependent:
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:37 PM
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((jolinda))) - I had to read a LOT of threads and posts in the F&F forum to realize I was a codie. It's not that it's a bad thing, but like you, I was TIRED of being the strong one. I turned out to be a raging codie, but not everyone is.

Keep reading and posting..that's what helped me

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 03-29-2012, 09:08 PM
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Hi Jolinda, everyone hits a bottom, maybe you finally hit yours? Codependency is an addiction to our addicts. I am a true codie. It is something you will defend as love and what you think is your duty to your children, husband, parents, friends, etc.
It is just as hard to "kick" codependency as it is for our addicts to "kick" their habit. When your A starts to back away, your gut kicks in and you try to find ways to keep the relationship, keep the peace and keep the control you feel you must have. The truth is, you won't ever be in control. Very hard to take, but so true.
Please keep posting, sharing, reading. Everyone here will support you
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Old 03-29-2012, 09:12 PM
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From what I understand, codependence happens when you've lived with or around or in close relationship with an addict. I tend to think of it as what happens to loved one's of addicted people. It's not like we're to blame, often it's the results of being in relationship with an addict.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:35 AM
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What Faithfully said. I am a recovering codie. My addict mother trained me well. It was only after going no contact and then working on myself that I fully understand what that means. It was when I decided to get off the Drama Triangle that I found myself.

Now I am living with an addict sister. You know what? I don't care what she uses or what she says. If it does not directly have to do with the household I have been trained now to ignore it.

My mother was in recovery the last year of her life. She died of complications from her Huntington's disease. I most likely have the same disease. Since there is no treatment at this time, I have chosen not to be tested and to treat the symptoms. The treatment is the same whether or not I have been tested.

My sister has tried to play this card on me, I still can ignore her. It took a lot of years for me to get to this point, but it was worth it all when my sister began behaving as if she were using. If not for my mother, I would have most likely have fallen for her crap hook, line and sinker.

What I am getting at is this it was a long journey to get to this point. Every Al-Alon meeting is worth it. I gained so much from them. I also remind myself of the AA principle of "progress not perfection". If I apply this to my codie behavior I am doing something right.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:40 AM
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I did not have a codependent bone in my body till I became aware that my daughter was using drugs. That woke a sleeping giant within me and I made up for lost time and more.

At the time I believed with enough love, support, time, money, professional help and focus on my part I was going to beat my daughter's addiction. My ego was on the line. Somewhere in all this, I forgot my adult daughter had free will and we were not on the same path. Short of tying her down and confining her ( a crime) there was nothing I could say or do or not that was going to snap her out of this. I was not that powerful. None of us are.
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