The Pink Cloud is Dissipating
 

I was so pumped up and excited about this great, rigorous SLE that my AS went into on Tuesday. Feeling REALLY HOPEFUL that this would provide a basis for recovery. Well, the "pink cloud" is dissipating. I talked to him yesterday evening, and he was "in a funk," he said. I offered all kinds of encouraging words about the benefits of recovery, and he sounded luke-warm about the whole thing. I observed that his demeanor told me that he wants to use and he didn't deny it. The SLE drug-tested him on Tuesday night, and he was "clean as a whistle;" he undoubtedly thinks he now has some time before the next "random" test. I sent him an upbeat, "rah, rah" text message this morning and received no response. I'm not going to reach out again -- I'll wait for him to contact me, let him keep settling into his new life. To be frank, I'm worried that he may have used yesterday, and if not, that he will use today. And that of course would be a disaster. They will throw him out, and I won't let him come here, and he'll be back to being homeless, no money, no food, etc., etc. Argh!!!

I understand how you are feeling. I've had that hopeful feeling, followed by fear, then followed by disappointment. I attached all of my hope on my son's sobriety. That was the only acceptable outcome for me.

I watched a beautiful clip on compassion yesterday. Compassion always confused me. What the heck is it anyway? Isn't that what I had been doing by giving him food or shelter or money when he was homeless? The presentation explained it beautifully. Compassion is the transformation of suffering....that we are responsible for the transformation of our OWN suffering. Perhaps we can assist with the transformation of another's suffering. But the KEY is that compassion cannot be attached to outcome.

I loved that.

Your son's recovery is between him and his higher power. Let go. Let God. Take care of you.

So....to change the subject a little....what are you going to nice for yourself today (to transform your own suffering)?

gentle hugs
ke

Seeking,
So sorry you are feeling so down. I rejoiced with you earlier this week when you posted about this great place he was in and how you were so hopeful! I so wanted it for you. I want it for all of us.......I still believe in happy endings! I have to and I will continue to because My God is an awesome God and He can move mountains, create heaven and earth and breathe life into death. My husband may as well have been dead and he cried out to God and surrendered his life to Him and so far.....hasn't looked back. Prayer really does change things but you have to believe and you HAVE to let go first. No more controlling, no more fixing....that's God's job and that's all He wants us to do is come to Him with our problems. I will be praying for you and your son. Believe that!

Seeking, it is normal and part of the process for an addict to mourn the loss of their love. I agree with KE, we HAVE to get out of the way. Early in recovery when the addict is on their own is the hardest because they MUST choose for themselves. Love your son and stand back. He has to choose for himself.
I have also been where you are and even now I worry daily. What I did find out is that it really doesnt matter if I worry or not, my son is 22 and will do what he wants to do.
Hard pill to swallow.
Hugs and prayers that HP is in charge and always will be.
Teresa

I had these same feelings earlier this week.
I spoke to my boyfriend who has been living in a sober house and he seemed a little off, a little depressed. I was worried that he was thinking about using, which I figured would eventually lead to him actually picking up heroin and using again.
I got myself so worked up about it and so worried and then I realized...it's out of my control!! There's not a damn thing I can do about it! It's HIS recovery, HIS decisions to make, HIS life to control...not yours.

Stay strong.

I understand, my son’s last relapse just about destroyed me. I finally came to the conclusion that I had tried everything short of having him kidnapped, and taken to a remote cabin in the woods where he would live under lock and guard.

My thoughts and prayers today, are for your son, that he remembers why he is where he is, and that he has the strength to stay clean… one day at a time.

Thanks to all you wonderful people for your wonderful, supportive comments. I gain such strength, perspective and wisdom from this forum because of all of you. My AS has reached out to me numerous times today, as he has been conducting his job search, asking for my thoughts, suggestions, advice. I think he is still on track, after all. SO HARD not to take a controlling posture, but all of you are so right in what you are saying. I have to step back for my own mental health AND for his. Cheerleader on the sidelines is OK; taking the lead by telling him what I think he should and shouldn't do is not. So tempting to do the latter; it's in my nature! But in reality - he won't really listen to me anyway. He's going to do what he thinks he should do, and that's OK.

That's awesome. I am glad he is still on the right track!!! I am sure he notices that you are supportive, but not trying to control. I am so happy to see someones child in recovery, and that things are going well. It gives me hope. I will continue to pray for you both. I am pulling for your special guy :)

Keep us posted

I struggle with the same issues, so don't feel bad. I, too, have concluded that my AS does better when I let him figure things out on his own. If I make a bunch of 'suggestions' then I think he only feels worse.

The only suggestion I've been making this time (he's in an SLE also) is to listen to the advice of those who have gone before him. Do everything they tell you to do. So far, he's doing exactly that. Praise God!

I just want to add that in my own recovery I sometimes had a hard time with the "cheerleading".

I found it really annoying because I was in early recovery and "nobody in my family knew what I was going through" in fact I held a lot of anger and blame for my family at that point and I don't think they had any idea how much was brewing under my surface, some really great pink cloud stuff, but still a land mine of resentments...and I hate to say it but parents are often the mother lode of resentments for addicts/alcoholics. Deserved or undeserved...doesn't matter!

The rah rah could just be striking a nerve. And the more upbeat you try to be I bet the more sulky he becomes. I bet he's not being sulky with the lads in the house, because they would call him on his BS in a heart beat...or if it isn't BS but an actual issue then they will get in there and explore it in the steps and deal with it.

Cheeriness, trying to "cheer him up" is probably just not what he needs. Let him be with the guys...and just don't let him sniff your fear out and burden you with the sulkies. Nor burden him with your requirement that he be cheerful right now in order for you to feel okay.

He's in a great situation to grab hold. And he is a young man. Let him be.

lesliej - you said it so much better than I did! Try to just step back and let the "magic" of the house do its thing. It may or may not work, but it's the best shot he's got right now. I suppose our job is only to sit back and pray.

On a side note -- I just want to share with all of you that I spoke to my AS yesterday and it was sooooo exciting to hear his personality return. I had almost forgotten what he was really like under all those drugs. We laughed a LOT and it was amazing. He even commented how cool it is that when you put good energy out into the universe that good energy returns to you. Voila!! He's getting it!!! He even said he applied at a nursing home (!!!!!) and really wants to work there because it would teach him some much needed humility while giving him the opportunity to really make a difference. I almost fell out of my chair. (Of course, the $11/hour probably was a keen motivator as well.)

Don't mean to steal your thread at all, just want to share my hope with you.... Honestly, I don't expect this pink cloud to last. I know enough to realize this could all go "poof" in a heartbeat. But....for today....I have relief in the form of renewed hope. I'll take it any way I can get it.