bluebelle

I have mentioned this situation before, but I'm going to mention it again. It looks like it really is going to happen. My drug-addicted, mentally ill mother is going to fly to go visit my elderly grandparents. The last I knew, this was all planned, but she didn't have tickets yet. Now, she has the tickets. My AM coincidentally (?) planned the trip for the only time that I would be able to go see my grandparents within the next 6 months. My grandmother tried to get me to go, too. (!!!) The last time I saw my mom, she was trying to physically attack all of the family members--including me. We had to call the police to have her removed from my grandparents' house.

My grandmother keeps on making all kinds of ridiculous statements. Obviously, she is going to continue to use the tools of enabling and denial to get through the rest of her life. The scary part is that my grandparents are so old, that they aren't very able to protect themselves anymore. If my mom just barely pushed one of them, they could get extremely injured. They already fall easily due to old age/balance issues. Both of my grandparents already have heart problems.

I am on the other side of the country. I am unwilling to mix it up with my mom. (So, I've chosen to not be present at this "reunion.") I feel guilty b/c I feel somehow responsible for protecting my grandparents from my AM. I try to tell my family members that I have no control over her, but they still complain to me about her behavior thinking I can do something.

I told my grandmother that I thought this was a bad idea. She stated, "I believe in my heart that I forgive your mom now." Huh? I told her that this is not about forgiveness. I forgive my mom, but I still consider her to be dangerous and mentally unstable. My grandmother said that my mom hadn't "raged at her" in a year. I said, well, a year ago, my mom tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psych facility. After that, my grandmother was silent. I guess we don't talk about those kinds of things in my family. If we ignore it, then it will go away.

My grandmother ended up by just asking me to "pray for them." I said, o.k. I was talking with my AM from time to time, but now I don't even want to talk to her. I'm sure that she has some fantasy that I'm going to go to (she knows I have a break at that time). I feel like God is giving me another opportunity to practice letting go and detachment. My mom has a long history of violent encounters with family members, so I'm not being histrionic.

I'm sure that the "reunion" will be a drama-filled event from beginning to end. They'll be lucky if my mom doesn't have some kind of fake medical emergency within the first 30 minutes of picking her up from the airport. My AM will expect my elderly grandmother to do all the cooking and all the care for her. My AM thinks she is disabled and can't do anything. At her home, she has an aide do everything. My mom is over 60, and does nothing on her own. My grandparents and the state provide her with everything she needs. It's a crazy situation.

We at least thought that if we moved my grandparents away from my mom, then they would be safe. For several years, that was true because she couldn't get there to visit. Now, they are buying her a plane ticket and bringing her out there.

O.K., I'm done with my rant. I realize that all of this is out of my control. I realize that I need to let go and detach from the situation. I know I should pray and focus on positive thoughts. It's just that I'm closest to my grandparents out of all my relatives, and I want them to be safe for the short time that they are left on this earth.

Thank you for listening.

Kindeyes

I'm just going to acknowledge that I read your rant. I think your last paragraph sums things up perfectly.

You, your mother and your grandparents will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

helpme33

(((bluebelle))) That is a hard decision, but, I think you are making the right one. You can't control their lives and don't let them control yours.

It took my mother forever to understand she can not tell me what to do. I have other sisters that tell her everything and she thinks she has the right to tell them what to do.

I also have family members that don't understand there is an action for every reaction!

A close member married a total non working loser. All we heard for years was drama, drama, drama. They had a special needs child and he thought we should all keep the kids while he went out and played.

The family was trying as hard as we could to help with the children, money, clothes, babysitting, EVERYTHING!!! Then they divorced and he came back for a visit and she was pregnant with number 4 and he is not working, well neither is she for that matter.

My mother asked about me doing something for them and I had enough - I told my mother I have my own family to support and will not support his while he sits at home on his a**. The family member has called the police on him recently and now he is BACK!!

Another family member is really out there and her 2 sons have nothing to do with her. The 30 yo has joined a religious group some where and no one in the family has heard from him.

I hope he is safe but I also know it maybe a lie and he is just in hiding lol!!!!

Just to show you that you are not the only one with the difficult family members.

It is your grand and mother's decisions and I applaud you for not letting them manipulate you into doing something that you know will be at least a stressful situation if not more. Hopefully not more, but they are adults.

You can always just call the grands to make sure they are safe if you are concerned. I wish I had backed away from the crazies in my family long before I did!!!

bluebelle

Thank you for understanding. Actually, my grandparents are in their 90's!! You are right, this is the same dance that has been going on since before my birth. I have grown a lot in learning to let go and recognizing my limits as a human. It's hard because my grandmother has made this choice to have my mom visit. However, she doesn't necessarily think clearly anymore. She is quite bright for her age, but she still gets confused easily.

Despite her age and memory problems, I still recognize that my grandmother has free will and can make her own choices. Anyway, my grandmother is very stubborn, and will do things her own way no matter what I say.