Looks like my AH and I are having a StandOff!!

Old 03-28-2012, 01:28 PM
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Looks like my AH and I are having a StandOff!!

Ok, so AH has been home from rehab for all of 3 days (actually i picked him up Friday but we went to the beach for the weekend so I won't count those 2 days as home). Anyway, he went right back to work on Monday. He owns a business with a partner and carried a great deal of guilt for bailing on his partner to go to rehab, but partner was very supportive. So, he jumps in head first. He's always been an overly, work-a-holic kind of guy so none of this is particularly surprising. One of the stipulations on his Relapse Prevention Plan that his counselor wrote up with him was that he would call the 5 old friends that he regularly used with and tell them he would no longer be able to hang out, talk to them, etc. Not because they are bad people or the enemy, but because Patrick can't trust himself and his addiction around those guys and since they all still "party", he cannot be around them. These are not loser low life people, they are business owners, one is an attorney, another one is a CPA (not that it matters), but my point is, they are all great guys with families and they just like to snort cocaine occasionally on weekends. Well, my husband was right there with them, only his habit turned into a HABIT and he could no longer do just weekends. I am not concerned with these people in the least because right now all I care about is putting my family back together. I am not interested in hurting anyone else and if their wives don't know....well, I didn't either is all I can say. In other words, I don't want to sound insensitve but I can only worry with "my circle of concern" which is God, my husband, and my children. So, the plan was he would call these cats when he got home. Fair enough, right?

Well, day 1 (Monday) he tells me that 2 of them called him to say welcome back, we support you, missed you, whatever. I asked him if he had "the conversation" with them and he said no, that he just decided he will just no longer take their calls and they they would get the message. He doesn't want to "seem judgmental and he feels like he would be putting them down" by telling them this. He said he realizes he cannot hang out with them and he won't hang out or talk to them, but he just doesn't feel right about telling them this so bluntly. Well, that simply isn't working for me. I've been to hell and back for this man and I'm not about to start "negotiating" with him now. I am telling him tonight, make the calls or leave. Period. Do ya'll think that is being unreasonable? Any advice??
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:51 PM
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Honestly? Yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like he's doing pretty much everything right, so maybe you should cut him a little slack. If he starts hanging out again with these guys, you might have a point, but if he's not doing that, then I'd let him decide if and when to have "the conversation" with them.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:04 PM
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Anvil, thanks for your post. No contract with me, it is his plan and it was his choice to include that. I understand that it is probably somewhat emabarrasing to make those calls (we live in a small town and these are folks we have known our whole lives), but these were things he said he felt he needed to do to stay sober. None of it was suggested by me.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:26 PM
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Threats and ultimatums rarely work. What's important? That he make the phone calls and have the conversation the way you want him to.....or the actual action of not talking with them and hanging out with them?

gentle hugs
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:36 PM
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Gurlie, i understand why you feel this way. My ex and I split up shortly after rehab and shortly after he failed to do the things that he promised me he would do in his "contract" or "Letter" or "relapse prevention" or whatever you want to call it. I understand what everyone is saying here but I also empathize with you. In my case, he said he would no longer do certain things that in the past he did because he was using . . . i.e. delete all call histories and texts out of his phone (which were always drug related) before coming to my house, he also said he had blocked his old dealers from calling and texting him, etc. Of course, a short time later he began to delete everything and his old dealer started calling him (who I thought was blocked).

Of course I panicked and confronted him. When I did, he got really angry, bitter and began to scream at me that I was asking him about those things and it was inappropriate. Well, he was the one that told ME he wanted to do those things. So it's not just about the texts, calls, etc as much as the fears of what it could mean and his defensiveness, etc. Our relationship did not end up working out. To me, if he wanted to rebuild trust he would have stuck by those things.

In your case I would give him more time. He JUST went back to work and it's a small town so I would give it time. If he's not hanging out with them, I think it's ok he doesn't address it right this second.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:38 PM
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I have to agree with everyone else gurlie. I know how you feel, that need to control what he's doing but that never worked in the past and it's definitely not going to work now. This is something that I'm also learning myself and the first week or so that my fiance was home, I had such strong urges to control what he was doing but I realized that I'm just making myself crazy and I backed off and he's been staying on track, all on his own.
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Old 03-28-2012, 03:04 PM
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I'm glad at least that the other party guys know that he was in rehab and that they say they support him. Maybe they recognized that he took the "weekend snort" to a darker level and had concerns about him...who knows...they might be relieved that they are not "responsible for him", they might be happy that there is "more for them". Even though the conversation wasn't scripted the way you envisioned still happened. They know he was in rehab and they support him...

If they want to continue to party, they won't really want him around. And it sounds like he doesn't want to be around them either. Also...don't be a bit surprised if he starts to get "inquiry calls" from other weekend warriors who are starting to possibly sniff out a little help...the "what is it like?" call.

Other than that...are you going to meetings? Do you have a program? It's great that you reached out here...and are open to others perceptions. You are going to need support. I am guessing you feel fearful, protective and vulnerable. Don't forget you are powerless...

Get your program up to snuff! You will need your own contract with yourself to stay happy, joyous and free!!

Praying for all the best for you and yours!!
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Old 03-28-2012, 04:20 PM
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You guys are the best! Thank you for reading my post to begin with and especially for offering your insight, experiences, suggestions. Believe me, I am wide open to your comments and do not in any way take offense. I am most definitely working my own program. I am taking a Boundaries group therapy class that meets weekely, Patrick and I are going to marriage counseling weekly, we attend Celebrate Recovery together on Friday nights, I go to Al Anon and he goes to AA once a week and he does a Saturday men's bible study focused on addiction and I attend a women's Saturday bible study as well. Community is everything right now and we have some amazing people around us. We are also very active in our church. It's alot, but this is what we committed to in order to get through this honeymoon phase of recovery and eventually get through the inevitable "wall" phase that he learned about while in rehab. We are all over it! I guess that's why i panicked when he said he'd rather not call these guys. But, maybe i should be thankful for where we are, huh?
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