Time to leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 5
Time to leave?
My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. Immediately after our wedding, money started disappearing. There were cash advances, missing paychecks, and payday loans. There were always stories of owing people money, which I foolishly believed. About 6 months into our marriage, he admitted that he was snorting heroin. I loved him and supported him and helped him to get sober. We lost literally thousands of dollars, and are still thousands more in debt.
About 6 months ago he lost his job and things got bad again. He took out cash advances and stole checks from my checkbook that he would write to himself. I immediately thought it was drugs but was reassured time and time again that it wasn’t. He again claimed that he owed people money. I checked his phone records and every time he got money he called the same number. I started following him and figured out he went to the same house every time. I was even more convinced of drug use but still wanted to believe him and make it work out. He would demand money from me two or three times a week, and even started hitting me when I told him no.
In January he started a new job 3 hours from home making significantly more money. I thought this was the answer to all of our problems. More money to help with our debt and he’s far away from anyone he knows who uses. We also changed his cell phone number. He promised things would be different. I accepted a new job and moved with him. Of course, soon after the move, he started taking money. He drives back home at least once a week and skips work. I know he is going to lose his job. He agreed to a drug test a few weeks ago and tested positive for monoacetylmorphine. I didn’t know what this was but looked online to see it was a metabolite of heroin. He still denies drug use.
Yesterday he showed up at my office and stole my cell phone because he got mad and threw his. I told him I did not have any more money to give him and he has maxed out his credit cards. I can track the location of my cell phone and watched as he drove to his parents to get money then drove to the same house he always went to before. On top of what he’s been taking from me, his parents have been giving him money. He is spending around $200 a day.
He denied going to the house and when I told him I had proof he said he went there to borrow money, because of course he owes someone money despite the $700 he took on Saturday and the $700 he took yesterday. He is claiming that he is getting phone calls at work. I don’t believe him, it’s just not possible that someone from 3 hours away, who he supposedly borrowed money from 2 years ago, has found out where he works and is harassing him at work now.
His parents tell me that I’m crazy and he isn’t using and that I should make him take a drug test because they think the one from before may have been flawed.
I’ve told him he needs to move out this weekend. I will now have a mortgage on a house I am trying to sell, along with my rent at the new place. I don’t know how I will get by and I am in a new city where I don’t know anyone, but I can’t let him do this to me anymore. I gave this everything I had and am so angry and so sad. I am scared that my leaving will push him over the edge, and I don’t want that to happen, but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I will never recover from this.
About 6 months ago he lost his job and things got bad again. He took out cash advances and stole checks from my checkbook that he would write to himself. I immediately thought it was drugs but was reassured time and time again that it wasn’t. He again claimed that he owed people money. I checked his phone records and every time he got money he called the same number. I started following him and figured out he went to the same house every time. I was even more convinced of drug use but still wanted to believe him and make it work out. He would demand money from me two or three times a week, and even started hitting me when I told him no.
In January he started a new job 3 hours from home making significantly more money. I thought this was the answer to all of our problems. More money to help with our debt and he’s far away from anyone he knows who uses. We also changed his cell phone number. He promised things would be different. I accepted a new job and moved with him. Of course, soon after the move, he started taking money. He drives back home at least once a week and skips work. I know he is going to lose his job. He agreed to a drug test a few weeks ago and tested positive for monoacetylmorphine. I didn’t know what this was but looked online to see it was a metabolite of heroin. He still denies drug use.
Yesterday he showed up at my office and stole my cell phone because he got mad and threw his. I told him I did not have any more money to give him and he has maxed out his credit cards. I can track the location of my cell phone and watched as he drove to his parents to get money then drove to the same house he always went to before. On top of what he’s been taking from me, his parents have been giving him money. He is spending around $200 a day.
He denied going to the house and when I told him I had proof he said he went there to borrow money, because of course he owes someone money despite the $700 he took on Saturday and the $700 he took yesterday. He is claiming that he is getting phone calls at work. I don’t believe him, it’s just not possible that someone from 3 hours away, who he supposedly borrowed money from 2 years ago, has found out where he works and is harassing him at work now.
His parents tell me that I’m crazy and he isn’t using and that I should make him take a drug test because they think the one from before may have been flawed.
I’ve told him he needs to move out this weekend. I will now have a mortgage on a house I am trying to sell, along with my rent at the new place. I don’t know how I will get by and I am in a new city where I don’t know anyone, but I can’t let him do this to me anymore. I gave this everything I had and am so angry and so sad. I am scared that my leaving will push him over the edge, and I don’t want that to happen, but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I will never recover from this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You shared enough information to prove to the most causal observer that this guy has a serious addiction monkey on his back. What more proof do you need?
He's been manipulating you, lying to you, stealing from you and hitting you.
Staying or going is not going to push him off the deep end. There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Are their children involved, here? Addicts are not competent to parent and there is no such thing as the parental cure. He's not going to just snap out of this just because....
How about a restarining order so that you have some time to think about saving yourself?
He's been manipulating you, lying to you, stealing from you and hitting you.
Staying or going is not going to push him off the deep end. There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Are their children involved, here? Addicts are not competent to parent and there is no such thing as the parental cure. He's not going to just snap out of this just because....
How about a restarining order so that you have some time to think about saving yourself?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Oh my....this is bad. PLEASE stick to your guns on this one. He sounds like he's in pretty deep. I am so sorry you are going through this....but know this, you are NOT ALONE! Many, many, many of us have been right where you are or are currently there. You are doing the right thing to stop the madness because it truly is a degenerative disease and it will only get worse and worse until HE decides he's had enough and/or he's lost enough. Keep posting and keep praying! We are here for you! Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks for the support. I am so glad I found this site. I am just at a complete loss and feel as if nobody understands.
Thankfully we have no children. I can't help but feel bad for telling him to leave. I know he has no money and nowhere to go. I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel bad but I still love him and don't want to see him hurt. I know leaving is the right thing to do. I have known for a while, I think I just needed to finally feel ready to do it before anything could happen.
Thankfully we have no children. I can't help but feel bad for telling him to leave. I know he has no money and nowhere to go. I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel bad but I still love him and don't want to see him hurt. I know leaving is the right thing to do. I have known for a while, I think I just needed to finally feel ready to do it before anything could happen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is hard.
I stayed with my AXH for five years because he told me that if I ever left him he would kill himself. I believed him. I stayed until the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving him. I had to let go of the outcome.
That was 30 years ago. He's still alive.
I am remarried (27 years now) to a wonderful man who is also my business partner. He does not drink or use drugs.
We cannot predict the outcome of our decisions. And we cannot take accountability for the choices of others.
You will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
I stayed with my AXH for five years because he told me that if I ever left him he would kill himself. I believed him. I stayed until the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving him. I had to let go of the outcome.
That was 30 years ago. He's still alive.
I am remarried (27 years now) to a wonderful man who is also my business partner. He does not drink or use drugs.
We cannot predict the outcome of our decisions. And we cannot take accountability for the choices of others.
You will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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