What the french, toast?!
 

So, up until this most recent path toward recovery for my addict fiance, I was doing well considering that he was actively using.
I had put his addiction and recovery in his own hands and I put it behind me.
I pursued an education, I've been trying to find a job in our new home state, and I've been focusing the majority of my positive energy toward my son(the rest goes to school :P)
I mean I was really doing fantastic.. I've been reinventing myself and gaining my own new identity..
I'm not a punk ass teenager anymore, and I can't try to hold on to any of that.
I'm a 25 year old mother of one,ex-addict,student, and fiance to an addict.
I really started growing up, for real this time around.
BUT, now that I know he has been sober for nearly three weeks I'm all jumble headed again.
WHY?!
It's so insanely frustrating to me.
I feel like I have back-peddled miles from where I was just a week ago.
I want to be in the know about where he stands on the whole thing, but another part of me wants to be completely ignorant to it all, maybe because it hurts less that way?
Maybe if I don't know he's clean, then the relapses can't hurt me as much?
I'm not entirely sure what the reasoning behind the feelings are, but I know that at this very moment I am very irritable because I feel everything floating back to the surface.
At least when he was using I knew what he was doing,where he was going/with who,how much money he was going through,etc.
I never had to ask, but I always knew that when I got the "I'll be home late" text it really should have read "I'm going to get high, I'll see you later"
Stupidity.
I'm just blah, my emotions are all over the place right now because I want to have faith/hope, whatever... But the realist and the sceptic living inside of me are screeeaming "DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP OL' GIRL, YOU REMEMBER LAST TIME, DON'T YOU?!"
Stupidity.
Dear god I love this man with damn near all my might..
I have never had a person love me so whole heartedly and stand by me through my craziness like he has... and I've got a whole lot of crazy stuffed deep down inside.
I'm just seriously struggling so much more this time around than ever, and I don't really know what is different this time..
Maybe it's that I've changed and he hasn't? I don't know..
I think it may just be that I'm starting to ask myself how long I'm willing to put up with this.
We've got all of these things on the table about getting married..
one of the major things being that I will not marry him until he is one year sober.
I'm sure that's got a lot to do with it..
I'm probably coming to this point of "No matter how much I love him, how long am I willing to wait until we start our lives" kind of deal..
Guess I just answered everything myself...
Just had to put my crazy rant out there otherwise I'd probably start walking on the walls and babbling it all out loud, and that's no good for anyone.

I'll continue to stay strong.. I was made that way.
I've got a lot of thinking,writing,and talking to do in the near future.
I think it's probably about time to put some new boundaries in place.. they're ever evolving.

Please do because you are strong.

It's easy to get off track. The good news that I read in your post is that you are aware. It's when we are wandering along unaware that things get haywire.

You are strong. You are resilient. Proceed mindfully.

Gentle hugs
ke

Thank you so much ((hugs))
I'm truly doing SO much better today.
Last night I was in a funk(weather changes had a lot to do with it I believe)
and I really let the fear and "what ifs" get to me.
I sat down and did some mediating, went to school today, and I got my head back on straight.
I've learned in these past few months not to let someone else's addiction rule my life, let alone my past with addiction.
I cannot constantly let my mind go to him and what he may or may not be dong, otherwise it will ruin me and where I am in my life now. I cannot and will not let that happen.
When we moved to a new state and I found out he had relapsed after nearly a year clean, it nearly ruined me.
I became obsessed with him and his DOC..
That's why I originally joined SR, so that I could learn about his addiction..
Ultimately coming here turned a table for me.
I stopped focusing on him, and began focusing on what is more important: MY RECOVERY.
I'm not willing to let my son lose both of his parents to this.. so I backed off and took the necessary steps to make sure I'm not treading water alongside him.
I feel great today, I really do.
The sun is shining, I feel the hope again.
I'm just glad to be alive. I cherish every day I wake up to see my beautiful son.
I have so much to look forward to every single day, even on bad days.
Knowing where I was six years ago and where I am now gives me the drive to move forward and to never consider going back.
There's is nothing good in a life ruled by addiction. There's no sunshine in that world, not for me anyway.
For now, I keep my faith in my fiance, and leave myself open and available should he need my support.
I don't pick and pry like I used to. I'm just an open ear if he needs it, because what he does is up to him and there is no way I can or would ever again attempt to sway him to my side of things.

I know, I'm such an unorganized rambler sometimes.. It just feels so good to be back here and be able to say what I want when I need to.
I'm keeping my head up, not flying too high in the clouds.. going to stay level headed and realistic through it all. I know miracles don't always happen overnight.