Please Help: Husband on Meth
 

Hi! I came across this forum & thought maybe I could get some help or ideas what to do in the situation that I am in. My husband is using meth and possible crack (not sure) and is not willing to admit to it.

He has been an addict for a long time and relapsed about two years ago and went to a short rehab and has done well for the past few years. I noticed "the behaviour" starting up around December and have watched it gradually increase since then. He has lost weight to where it is noticeable. I can tell that he is not doing his job the way that he should be and he is in a district management position to where there are several people working under him. The group of friends that he is hanging around are all known for using the same thing. I believe that this is his first time to get caught up in Meth, as it was always crack before.

We have a 13 year old daughter at home and four grown children who do not live with us now. His parents are both deceased and he doesn't really have a relationship with any of his siblings, which do not live close to us anyway.

I am employed but if he loses his job, I do not make enough money to cover all of the bills that we have or to support us financially.
Our daughter is aware of his problem and knows that he is doing it again and keeps telling me that he isn't goint to stop untill we leave. Because, thats what we had to do the last time to get him to realize that he needed help.

Please help me thru this I am struggling deep inside. I am sad, afraid and feel so helpless. I love him to pieces but this is killing me. I constantly worry about him all of the time.

Thank you!

If your house were on fire and your husband refused to leave, at some point you would grab your 13 year old and run like heck. Meth addiction is likely going to burn your figurative house down to the ground.

Active addicts and those new to recovery are not competent to parent.
Most local Police have a special protocol for dealing with Meth addicts because they are prone to spontaneous violence. That he may never have been violent before is not a good predictor for the future, as he gets deeper into the Meth scene.

There is nothing you can say or do that's going to cause him to stop. You are not that powerful. None if us are. He is not going to stop until he's ready, or sad to say, dead. It is critical to understand he is not using at you. It's not personal though I know it feels that way, right now. His addiction has rewired his brain to protect and sustain it, at all costs.

Addiction is progressive and will likely, at some point, cause him to become unemployed/unemployable. What can you do, right now, to protect your minor child, yourself and your assets? Seeking legal advice is highly recommended.

Please know:

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Meth is a horrible, horrible drug.

I'd listen to your daughter. She sounds like she has it together.

(((wifeinark))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm a recovering crack addict, have loved ones who are addicts, so I have been on both sides of the fence of addiction. I never liked meth, but my stepbrother was on it and he was living here with my dad/stepmom, stole a ton of stuff from my dad, was extremely paranoid and "scary" according to my niece who also lives here.

I hung around with meth addicts when I was using, and (((OTL))) is right...they can get extremely violent in a heartbeat and the paranoia is unreal. Street lights are "cop car lights" in their head, there are video cameras hidden in the house recording everything, etc. This all leads to totally irrational behavior.

I hope you and your daughter get away from him. I do have to say, however, don't expect it to get him clean again...that's totally up to him and though it worked out that way the last time, there's no guarantees with addiction. You and your daughter deserve to not be subject to his addiction, to feel safe in your own home.

SR has been a huge part of my recoveries - especially the codependency one as, to me, it's harder. I know addiction inside and out, but it hasn't stopped me from getting dragged into drama with loved ones who are still using but I've gotten better at boundaries and if I slip..I don't stay there long, and always come here and get re-grounded.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Meth is nasty. Meth took my 54 year old SIL, she is now in a adult care facility FOREVER. The shell of what she once was. She does not know her family, son or grandkids. Everything posted here is true.
I am sorry. Care for your daughter first and yourself.

Appreciate
 

I am really appreciating all of your replies and advice. I feel like I need to leave but I am just not sure how to do it. I am just so confused and scared. Scared of what is going to happen to us, to him, just scared of the entire situation. I do love this man, we have been married for 15 years, together for 17. I just feel like if I leave him, I will just be turning my back on him and giving up.

Please, I am so confused and sad..

Wifeinark, welcome to SR!

I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, with meth being my drug of choice, and I shot it up. I am proof that recovery is possible, but not without a lot of hard work and making a commitment to my recovery being the top priority.

Meth is a nasty drug, incredibly hard to get off of, and I have met very few long-term recovering addicts.

I can tell you that I did not hit a bottom and cry out for help until I was face down in the dirt with no one to pick me up.

I was also married to an active meth addict/alcoholic during my own addictions, and that man never did get recovery. He went through rehab just before me, and went right back to swilling whiskey and slamming dope the day he got out of rehab.

He's dead now, complications due to AIDS (a direct result of his addiction). He was 47 when he died.

I had to walk away from that marriage for my own sanity and safety when I got out of rehab. Nothing was going to convince that man he needed help. He was toxic to me and affected my then 8-year-old daughter (not his).

A meth addict will chew you up and spit you out, leave you bankrupt physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I also have a 34-year-old addicted daughter. I have learned to detach.

I won't love her to death like an another mother in the town where I live did with her own daughter. She got to bury her.

Please check into some Alanon or Naranon meetings. Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I reference it often. I also found that therapy/counseling has helped me tremendously over the years.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. :hug:

Your daughter is number one. You do not want her to see what is going to happen and it will. Be strong for her.

Unfortunately, by enabling him--staying in the marriage rather than setting a firm boundary that you will not stay married to an active drug user--you actually contribute (not cause, but contribute) to his destruction.

That is a fact that loved ones find incredibly painful to hear, and many loved ones simply shut it out and continue enabling.

Staying with him while he is an active drug addict is not love. Leaving him is.

WifeinArk, a very difficult situation, but I so agree with the other posts. Your impressionable young daughter doesn't need to be in this situation. A scarey thing - meth - and so easy to produce cheaply. But the cheap part doesn't last..it cost everything! Just do what you need to do to protect your daughter and yourself. I know you love him and it's not easy.

Keep coming to this forum. There is lots of wisdom here and it's always here. Know that we do care.

My boyfriend is a meth addict. He is from across the country and ran away to here because it is almost nonexistent here.

I have known him for years, but didn't believe his story until his sister did the same last year. That stuff is killer. His entire family is addicted to it, and everyone all of them know. And I have never even seen that stuff. And I don't think I want to.

I am glad that there is no meth where I live, but I remember how angry I was when I found out he was doing Adderall. Because we all know how close the two of them are.

I tolerate a lot from him due to his alcoholism. But I guarantee you, after hearing about the things he did and the meth labs that were built and how he went to prison and all the things that were done while he was on meth, if he even LOOKED at it right now, I would run away and never look back. He is a totally different person now then he was then. Meth makes someone seem like they have multiple personality disorder.

I have to agree with ((Anvil)). You are NOT turning your back on him. If you leave, you are allowing him to deal with his consequences, you are giving him the dignity of living a life he chooses.

I distanced myself from my family when I was using. Yes, I called dad when I was locked up (get me OUT!) etc., but there came a time when he couldn't, and even if he could? He'd had enough. I thought that was my bottom. I got clean...for the better part of a year, but then I started "dabbling" in crack again, it got worse and I relapsed. I lost what little I had gained back of my life in that year.

I will FOREVER be grateful to my family. They let me dig a really deep hole of addiction, they've allowed me to figure a way to get myself back out of that hole. Yes, I am back living at home (at 50 years old), stepmom is an A/ACOA/codie, dad has become a codie, and here I am...working my recoveries (addiction and codependency) as hard as I can.

I recently celebrated 5 years in recovery. There is absolutely NO WAY I would have that if my loved ones hadn't said "I've had enough..I can't do this any more". Oddly enough, at the end of my relapse? Those were the exact same words I said.

My XABF#3 (yeah...slow learner) died from complications of the addiction we shared. I've recently reconnected with friends who still work with XABF#1, and when I told them "I felt like I could fix him" they assured me...he's STILL not "fixed". #2? I have no idea, I assume he's still using crack, despite 2 heart attacks, and 13-stepping females in AA (like I allowed him to do me).

I love my stepmom, no doubt. I just have to not let HER addiction affect me. It's not easy...we live in the same house, she lies, I know better, arguments ensue, I take a drive. There are places I can go, but I can't take my cats, and (long story short) they are my living amends to the cats I left because of crack.

I spend a lot of time here. If my recovery is seriously at jeopardy? I come here. I have enough money saved that I can go to a motel room for a day or two if need be. However, I've been able to get dragged into the drama, come here, get re-grounded, and keep doing what is best for me.

I will also tell you...my niece is 18, and has been SEVERELY affected by my stepmom. There are times she hates me, because I set boundaries and don't play the "poor baby, she lost her mama to a car wreck when she was one". She has dabbled with drugs and alcohol. She is 4th or 5th generation ACOA. She is also 2 months pregnant, and I pray to God, that her bf's family (who are good people) have more effect on this baby than my stepmom. I don't want to see another child be raised the way she was.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

You are not abandoning him if you leave…
But you would definitely be abandoning your daughter if you don’t.

I am sorry I know this can’t be easy, but you really need to get out, and if you can remove it all, your feelings, his feelings, and just look at your child, let her guide you…she is not telling you she wants to leave without a good reason…Do not let her live in fear.

I rarely tell anyone to run, unless there abuse present, but when it comes to meth, which has haunted me for decades…you got to, you just have to leave, there is no way around it. You can‘t even work on yourself enough to be able to stay and be healthy, it is too dangerous. The level of unpredictability is too high, the level of deviant and violent behavior is up there too, and the worst it doesn’t matter if they are high, coming down, haven’t used it weeks...

Take care of you and that child of yours, you are both worth it!

I'm new to recovery and am parenting my two teenagers very well. I make it a specific point to.

You shouldn't paint with such a general paintbrush.

Isn't it scarier if you and your daughter stay?
Do you see yourself in this situation in a year? Or two? Five? Ten?
As a mother you have an obligation to protect your daughter.
And I know you won't regret it.
I will have you in my prayers tonight.
Stick around here.
You'll get a lot of needed support.

I stayed with my XAH until the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving.

You and your daughter will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Hugs. I've been exactly where you are. Its tough (understatement). Unfortunately by the sounds of it your AH is pretty deep. Losing weight was the first thing I noticed. As much as I loved my AH (still do) iwasnt powerful enough to fix him...he got progressively worse and I finally got him out of the house. It is scary to think about doing it all on your own but you will be surprised what you are capable of. Do what is best for you and your daughter. Quit worrying about him. He is a big boy.

I have been off speed for 16 years. I saw kids get neglected, abused and sold. I saw them look at food on TV as if they had never seen such bounty. I caught them growing pot and told them to get rid of it or I will tell their parents (not that the parents would have cared). I saw them pretending to shoot up with used syringes. My BF at the time used to belt me if I even went to school without telling him first. I nearly missed exams because he tampered with my timetable and it made me crazy. Luckily I passed with distinctions and it was no thanks to him. My arms were my 'stop-gauge'.

My parents were alcoholics. They put booze before my well-being. They let men 'babysit' me while they were in the pub. I was too young to know it was wrong.

Please do what you have to in order to protect your daughter.

if you are willing, if you can muster the courage, (and it really does NOT take that much when you finally make the decision and start action) if you make the decision to free yourself and save the life of your daughter by stepping out of this relationship with METH...

IF...

you will be simply AMAZED at the sense of lightness, freedom, energy, joy, LIFE, you and your daughter will begin to experience.

if you throw a frog in boiling water it will do everything it can to save its life.
if you put a frog in water and turn on the heat it will slowly rise to a boiling point and the frog does not feel the injury until it is too late...

many of us are like the second frog...the circumstances and conditions of our lives, living in relationship with addiction, are often so negative and damaging but we have been oh so slowly emerged...and we don't even have an idea of how hot the water is.

but once you make the action to get out? the transition period is so much faster than you can imagine. there are resources...financial, emotional, housing, support, recovery...all waiting for you. there are promises that you cannot imagine right now because you are surrounded by pain and steam

GET OUT OF THE BOILING POT!

This morning
 

Well things were not good this weekend. He has progressed to staying out ALL night on Saturday night. When he came in on Sunday morning, I told him that he is going to have to choose between his drugs and drug addict friends or his family and job. I told him that his behaviour is very noticeable, as is his weight loss. He has always been very proud of his job and his "title" at his job. He told me later that afternoon that he would be going out of town on Monday (just for the day) and he needed to clear his head and that he would talk to me when he gets back.
I have boxed up all of my pictures, personal things that are not really replaceable and got them out of the house.
I do not know what will happen tonight when we talk but I feel that I need to at least give him a chance to tell me about his problem, if that is what he is wanting to talk about.
If not, I am making arrangements to leave him. I do not want to call his job and get him into trouble at work because I know that eventually that is going to catch up with him anyway. I have notified my employer and told them about my situation. I work for a family business and so my bosses are the owners. I run the business for them. They are very understanding and with me and told me if there was anything they could do that they would. I will keep you all posted about our discussion later and welcome any other comments or advice that you can give me.
I really don't know what to say to him tonight because I don't feel like he is going to open up and be honest with me anyway. Thanks

I wouldn't even talk with him about it. He is already angry, more angry than he seems on the surface. He is extremely paranoid. You could be putting yourself at risk of serious physical abuse if you bring it up with him.

I saw a neighbour's wife get collected by ambulance after lying on the kitchen floor for a whole weekend with a knife in her chest because she dared to broach the subject of leaving to her partner.

He's a selfish man, meth is a selfish drug like any other and has a vile personality of it's own.

It's good that you have packed a few precious belongings but don't let him see that you have done that. Get as many affairs in order as quickly as you can and get out of there. People want to help you and they are seeing the situation from an even nastier perspective than you are because you are confused. That is how bystanders are.

I won't sugar coat my opinions about the never-before-seen lows a meth user will go to to get what he/she needs and those needs include love and attention. He does not deserve that from you. There are people who care about you and are worried sick. I am one of them. :ghug3

Clearing his head ! That's a good one.

What's honesty got to do with this? He's addicted to Meth. He cannot just snap out of it.

No need to alert his employer. His behaviors will cost him his job sooner or later.

Please focus on protecting your child and yourself.

DO NOT CONFRONT this man about leaving him while your child is in the home.

Leave the child with a friend or relative. Alert the friend or relative of the conversation scheduled and whether or not you have chosen a guardian for your child in the event of your death.

You really must understand that in meth psychosis, he may kill you.

Even not in psychosis, he is paranoid and violent on meth.

I would not expect him to be sober and rational for the conversation. He will want to be powerful and he gets power from meth.

Oh, how I wish you would head out that door right now, with your child, and walk into a domestic violence center and follow every direction from those people.

Your intention to have a "conversation about the relationship" with a meth addict terrifies me.

Wifeinark,

I agree with everything English Garden posted above.

This is based on my experience(s) with my meth addicted daughter.
She has said some of the most evil and vile things you could ever imagine.

She has also become extremely violent at times. She once bit a police officer's hand while in the midst of being arrested and handcuffed. And that was early on in her addiction.

It is my own personal opinion that the nature of this man made drug of a trash can variety of chemicals.....is that....the closer you are to them...the more they know about you and your soft spots. They zero right in on your shame/guilt center and if you are strong enough, educated enough about the drug, addiction how this all works.......
and you are able to keep from getting tangled up in your mind with their "triangle of drama" (google it...it is an actual thing)......

If you are strong enough to keep it all straight and together during the conversation...that is the signal to them that they are no longer in control....and THAT situation becomes terrifyingly dangerous...because they have to do something drastic to try to keep you in the loop. Or something drastic enough to get you out of the way.
Because YOU are standing in the way of them and their drug use.

Nobody in my entire family was ever emotionally, physically or mentally strong enough to have any kind of reasonable conversation with my daughter while she was under the influence of meth. Or anytime within the first 6-12 months of any type of sobriety or recovery.

My son was addicted to vikes and took/ shot everything else in the course of 6+ years. It was Meth that took him down in the end. Over the 5 month period of taking it last summer, the crazy calls were only something that is believable to someone who has been through it. The: they are going to kill me, gave me rat poison, police are looking for me, I did something but don't know what really bad, checking himself into the hospital ward/walking out three times on and on on. These things paled the money/housing and job issues of the rest of the years of addiction.
He lost so much weight, by the time we picked up him he looked like a shell of the man we had seen. The Fire in his eyes, the Pain that must be inside from fighting with the demons inside, the person jumping up and down in the kitchen saying "Help ME please, it is Meth" yet needing it so badly, is hard to watch.
He stayed clean for 60 days after ICU and then the cravings of getting ready to relapse sent him into a mental state of crumbling, I only now semi understand what was killing him. We got him to a addiction specialist and My son sought help that was offered he had a choice that day as he sat curled up in the office, we stepped aside and left the room. He is recovering now, he is focused and never forgets, understands the lifetime of recovery ahead. It is a LONG road to walk. He has been clean close to 6 months. We have never seen or known the man he is now, since the drugs have been in his life since a teen. No false sense of security or blinders on for Us or Him, it is day to day. Today to speak to him is like a normal conversation. I know if he had not sought help on his own, he would have never made it this far. (nor would I, I am a different person now)
My heart bleeds for those that are gripped by this epidemic that is out there today. I think it is the problem of the era. The families it will tear apart, the children that will be lost, the deaths. Everyday I see Meth Lab Bust in the assorted papers I read. Each person has a story I know now. I look at the sad faces in the pictures and know they were/are loved by someone.