Dear Addicted Loved One
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Dear Addicted Loved One
Dear addicted loved one
Why do I help you? I do it relieve my pain. Watching you slowly kill yourself is enormously painful. Watching your life fall to pieces is unbearable for me. Helping you, giving you food, giving you money eases my pain. Your reliance on my need for pain relief is like a drug for me.
You are my drug of choice.
I will do anything for my drug of choice. I will lie. I will spend ridiculous amounts of money. I will sacrifice my own welfare and the welfare of others around me. I will ignore the people in my life who love me. I will get sick. I will not sleep. I will allow my life to spiral out of control. And the only way I think I can relieve that pain is to help you. And the more that others try to convince me that I have a problem, in my eyes, the bigger problem THEY become to me.
THIS is the drug of choice of the codependent. THIS is what I get out of the relationship. THIS is why I do what I do. The trouble with codependence is that I have a drug of choice but I can't see it.
The more I explore the disease of addiction and the issue of codependence, the more I realize that they are both the same problem. And we feed on each other.
I am no different than you, addict. I am also an addict. You are my drug of choice.
I am a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
With much toxic love,
Your codendent loved one
Why do I help you? I do it relieve my pain. Watching you slowly kill yourself is enormously painful. Watching your life fall to pieces is unbearable for me. Helping you, giving you food, giving you money eases my pain. Your reliance on my need for pain relief is like a drug for me.
You are my drug of choice.
I will do anything for my drug of choice. I will lie. I will spend ridiculous amounts of money. I will sacrifice my own welfare and the welfare of others around me. I will ignore the people in my life who love me. I will get sick. I will not sleep. I will allow my life to spiral out of control. And the only way I think I can relieve that pain is to help you. And the more that others try to convince me that I have a problem, in my eyes, the bigger problem THEY become to me.
THIS is the drug of choice of the codependent. THIS is what I get out of the relationship. THIS is why I do what I do. The trouble with codependence is that I have a drug of choice but I can't see it.
The more I explore the disease of addiction and the issue of codependence, the more I realize that they are both the same problem. And we feed on each other.
I am no different than you, addict. I am also an addict. You are my drug of choice.
I am a codependent. And this is what codependents do.
With much toxic love,
Your codendent loved one
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
In my Nar-Anon meetings I often say that if I am not working a program, I am a drug addict's worst enemy: I am a classic enabler and a severe codependent. I rescue, it is true, because I want to put chaos into order so I can be comfortable again. This is my compulsion and it is my responsibility to manage it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am a classic enabler and a severe codependent. I rescue, it is true, because I want to put chaos into order so I can be comfortable again. This is my compulsion and it is my responsibility to manage it.
I don't mean to interrupt the thread, but after all this time, I once again had an "aha" lightbulb moment.
Thank you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
I guess it is like a drug in some ways.
How I rolled:
Crises strikes: Lack of ability to function,feeling of anxiety, panic attacks, obsession , loss of sleep, irritable-until fixing the latest crises relives the agony.
Crisis diverted: Temporary sense of extreme relief, self pride, ego, happiness.
Impending Doom: Waiting for the inevitable next crisis
over and over again.
TY for the great post Freedom. It is hard for me to swallow that I could be an addict. I am trying to understand. I guess I feel embarrassed or like- No way am I an addict. Yes I enabled because I thought i was helping, but I am not addicted to this. It is easy for me to say i am in recovery for codependency, but for some reason it is hard to say recovering addict. if that makes sense. I think I just can't admit that my son was my drug of choice. That just sounds really sick. Anyhow, maybe I will get it eventually.
How I rolled:
Crises strikes: Lack of ability to function,feeling of anxiety, panic attacks, obsession , loss of sleep, irritable-until fixing the latest crises relives the agony.
Crisis diverted: Temporary sense of extreme relief, self pride, ego, happiness.
Impending Doom: Waiting for the inevitable next crisis
over and over again.
TY for the great post Freedom. It is hard for me to swallow that I could be an addict. I am trying to understand. I guess I feel embarrassed or like- No way am I an addict. Yes I enabled because I thought i was helping, but I am not addicted to this. It is easy for me to say i am in recovery for codependency, but for some reason it is hard to say recovering addict. if that makes sense. I think I just can't admit that my son was my drug of choice. That just sounds really sick. Anyhow, maybe I will get it eventually.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Post like this one, KindEyes, is why I keep coming to this forum. When you say I help to relieve MY pain, you are so right....trying to arrange order from chaos. Makes me stop and think before I act so "selfishly".
I'm doing better for the moment...a little stronger and working still on saying "no". I think we may actually feel somewhat more powerful if we do say "no"! Then when nothing worse happens after the first "no", the second one comes easier, then easier. Yes, I like that feeling much better! But if something worse actually does happen, I know in my heart, it was going to happen anyway and I've done all possible and sometimes what seems impossible.
Wish we knew the real answer to "How can it be stopped?" When it's up to the addict, and they don't want to stop, even though they hate that life, there's really nothing we can do except pray. Sometimes I don't understand that either. I try not to be cynical and question God, but when I pray and pray for 20 years and still don't have the answer that I want, I just wonder "Why not?" I'm sure He must understand that I don't understand. Maybe one day.
Thanks, KE, for the reminder of what I am truly am - a codependent. (still hate that word though
I'm doing better for the moment...a little stronger and working still on saying "no". I think we may actually feel somewhat more powerful if we do say "no"! Then when nothing worse happens after the first "no", the second one comes easier, then easier. Yes, I like that feeling much better! But if something worse actually does happen, I know in my heart, it was going to happen anyway and I've done all possible and sometimes what seems impossible.
Wish we knew the real answer to "How can it be stopped?" When it's up to the addict, and they don't want to stop, even though they hate that life, there's really nothing we can do except pray. Sometimes I don't understand that either. I try not to be cynical and question God, but when I pray and pray for 20 years and still don't have the answer that I want, I just wonder "Why not?" I'm sure He must understand that I don't understand. Maybe one day.
Thanks, KE, for the reminder of what I am truly am - a codependent. (still hate that word though
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I can thank my therapist for showing me the way to finding myself again. I suggest you all do the same.
I am not going to lie, it has really messed my relationship with my boyfriend, and obviously I do not want to lose him, but I realize that I am going to lose myself if I continue this way. And the best part is, he is SLOWLY starting to realize that I am more important to myself than he is. I will not sacrifice myself for him anymore.
Get a therapist. I am telling you, it will be the best thing you ever did. And Alanon.
I am not going to lie, it has really messed my relationship with my boyfriend, and obviously I do not want to lose him, but I realize that I am going to lose myself if I continue this way. And the best part is, he is SLOWLY starting to realize that I am more important to myself than he is. I will not sacrifice myself for him anymore.
Get a therapist. I am telling you, it will be the best thing you ever did. And Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Kind eyes thank you.
My RXAB is my DOC. I'm currently using all of my tools to prevent my self from getting another "fix" of him. If wasnt so difficult than maybe I wouldn't be addict but I am.
God Da$&t hurrying up and surrender for me already!!!! I put so much time and effort into you how dare you not surrender on my time frame for ME!!!
Ooooooohhh not pretty when I write out what being said in my mind.
BIG HUG to all of you
My RXAB is my DOC. I'm currently using all of my tools to prevent my self from getting another "fix" of him. If wasnt so difficult than maybe I wouldn't be addict but I am.
God Da$&t hurrying up and surrender for me already!!!! I put so much time and effort into you how dare you not surrender on my time frame for ME!!!
Ooooooohhh not pretty when I write out what being said in my mind.
BIG HUG to all of you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
To English Garden: you are absolutely right. If I am not working a program, I AM my son's worst nightmare.
Ilovemysonjj: He may not understand it but NC may be the most truly loving thing you have ever done for your son.
Seeking growth: thank you. I love your screen name.
Skye10: glad to give back and grateful for all that others have done for me:-)
Ann: I know that I've done what I've done to ease my own pain and suffering. I've finally done what needed to be done long ago. I'm walking with you sister.
December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.
Tryingtohelp2: I love my aha moments. Many people right here on SR have given me many.
Washbe2: I'm going to guess that addicts hate the word "addict" as much as you hate the word codependent. Embracing what I am allows me to face it and step out of my own denial. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It means I'm a sick person trying to get well.
Inpieces314: I'm happy to hear you are getting help. I agree that there is much that can be learned from a good therapist......and it can be learned for free in the rooms of NarAnon and Alanon. Anyone who truly wants help can find it.
Finding joy: I love your screen name too. We all deserve to find joy.
gentle hugs to each of you
ke
Ilovemysonjj: He may not understand it but NC may be the most truly loving thing you have ever done for your son.
Seeking growth: thank you. I love your screen name.
Skye10: glad to give back and grateful for all that others have done for me:-)
Ann: I know that I've done what I've done to ease my own pain and suffering. I've finally done what needed to be done long ago. I'm walking with you sister.
December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.
Tryingtohelp2: I love my aha moments. Many people right here on SR have given me many.
Washbe2: I'm going to guess that addicts hate the word "addict" as much as you hate the word codependent. Embracing what I am allows me to face it and step out of my own denial. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It means I'm a sick person trying to get well.
Inpieces314: I'm happy to hear you are getting help. I agree that there is much that can be learned from a good therapist......and it can be learned for free in the rooms of NarAnon and Alanon. Anyone who truly wants help can find it.
Finding joy: I love your screen name too. We all deserve to find joy.
gentle hugs to each of you
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Kindeyes
“December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.”
Thank you KindEyes, when you just nonchalantly, directly put it that way it takes my pride and ego right out of the equation, and I thought “yep, it is sick, why not surrender, and stop sugar coating?”
I talked about the following in support group today: When I was growing up with an addict I was used to chaos, crisis and drama happening very often, and in some weird way I think I kind of got hooked on the excitement and challenge of it. I fear that my pattern was repeating; like I got some kind of excitement and ego charge out of it. I felt important.
I have a long way to go, and it may take me a long time to stop craving chaos.
“December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.”
Thank you KindEyes, when you just nonchalantly, directly put it that way it takes my pride and ego right out of the equation, and I thought “yep, it is sick, why not surrender, and stop sugar coating?”
I talked about the following in support group today: When I was growing up with an addict I was used to chaos, crisis and drama happening very often, and in some weird way I think I kind of got hooked on the excitement and challenge of it. I fear that my pattern was repeating; like I got some kind of excitement and ego charge out of it. I felt important.
I have a long way to go, and it may take me a long time to stop craving chaos.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by December2011 
Kindeyes
“December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.”
Thank you KindEyes, when you just nonchalantly, directly put it that way it takes my pride and ego right out of the equation, and I thought “yep, it is sick, why not surrender, and stop sugar coating?”
I talked about the following in support group today: When I was growing up with an addict I was used to chaos, crisis and drama happening very often, and in some weird way I think I kind of got hooked on the excitement and challenge of it. I fear that my pattern was repeating; like I got some kind of excitement and ego charge out of it. I felt important.
I have a long way to go, and it may take me a long time to stop craving chaos.
“December2011: Admitting that my son was my drug of choice sounds really sick.....because it is.”
Thank you KindEyes, when you just nonchalantly, directly put it that way it takes my pride and ego right out of the equation, and I thought “yep, it is sick, why not surrender, and stop sugar coating?”
I talked about the following in support group today: When I was growing up with an addict I was used to chaos, crisis and drama happening very often, and in some weird way I think I kind of got hooked on the excitement and challenge of it. I fear that my pattern was repeating; like I got some kind of excitement and ego charge out of it. I felt important.
I have a long way to go, and it may take me a long time to stop craving chaos.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Kind Eyes...
You nailed it. Absolutely nailed it.
For me, once I understood I was part of the problem, I backed off. And it really was that simple. I saw that by being that entangled in my AGF's life was not only not helping her, but hurting her. It was also hurting me. So I stopped doing that.
Then again, I imagine it's easier to back off a boyfriend or a girlfriend when there are no children involved. I can't begin to fathom what it's like to have a child with the disease of addiction. And what's why I admire you and other women on the board, because you've done so much work to detach from your kids.
Thank you so much for your post.
ZoSo
You nailed it. Absolutely nailed it.
For me, once I understood I was part of the problem, I backed off. And it really was that simple. I saw that by being that entangled in my AGF's life was not only not helping her, but hurting her. It was also hurting me. So I stopped doing that.
Then again, I imagine it's easier to back off a boyfriend or a girlfriend when there are no children involved. I can't begin to fathom what it's like to have a child with the disease of addiction. And what's why I admire you and other women on the board, because you've done so much work to detach from your kids.
Thank you so much for your post.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
English Garden,
"In my Nar-Anon meetings I often say that if I am not working a program, I am a drug addict's worst enemy"
I am adding that to my list of reminders I have on my frig. I get a lot of inspirational quotes from you guys. Thank you so much!!!
I am my son's worst enemy when I am not working a program
I am also going to remind myself that I cannot make order from chaos in the lives of others.
"In my Nar-Anon meetings I often say that if I am not working a program, I am a drug addict's worst enemy"
I am adding that to my list of reminders I have on my frig. I get a lot of inspirational quotes from you guys. Thank you so much!!!
I am my son's worst enemy when I am not working a program
I am also going to remind myself that I cannot make order from chaos in the lives of others.
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