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Guilt over boyfriend's relapse

Old 03-23-2012, 01:04 AM
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Guilt over boyfriend's relapse

Why is it when my boyfriend relapses I am always trying to figure out how I can change? I unintentionally passive aggressively attack him after he confesses (never willingly... I catch his sorry ass everytime... good at catching him since its like a mirror of myself from the past). He goes into this huge angry fit of rage, which if you listen closely is a pity party, and then all of a sudden it becomes my fault because I make him feel worthless or a failure. Then suddenly I go into my own little manipulative mode where I play this victim and tell him it must be my fault, and I wasn't doing enough to help him live his life (pfffffttttt like we could be anymore codependent), and just feed him back his ******** so maybe he'll see how stupid he ******* sounds. Then it suddenly is me apologising, and him thanking me for my apology and I feel small like I did something wrong and he seems all big headed like his actions have some how just been validated. Everytime he relapses I think we make like two step forward, and ten steps back. Thankfully I'm not relapsing with him anymore. Maybe that's the most frustrating part. Everytime I relapsed it made more and more sense to me why I shouldn't use and sometime I think he is just reconvinced its the right decision. This time he smoked some pot, and I kept asking him if it made everything better and all he did was scream at me about how it was one time so of course not. I know that scream. I've yelled like that before. You know the "it would have made everything better if you didn't make me feel like I was doing something wrong. its your fault it didn't make me feel good." It just so hard to know the right thing to say in that situation because sometimes I have those thoughts. Blaming people for ruining my ability to get high without feeling guilty. He works at a bar so he sees the reasons not to drink everyday, but he doesn't see why he shouldn't get high. Even if he has the example of why getting high is bad he can just say "well they drink and if they didn't drink and only got high they'd be fine." He thinks that when I tell him you can't get high and take care of a baby it means that he can get high when the baby goes to sleep and that will be ok. We have a little baby together by the way. Not even a year old yet. He doesn't understand that when you get high it effects you even when you not "high". I remember I used to catch him on days he got high and I would ask him if he was high and he was say no because he didn't feel "high" anymore. I had to started asking him if he had smoked. It feels like he hasn't change his thinking at all. In fact I know that he hasn't because he still acts like a beer won't affect him. I changed my idea of what "drunk" was to try to help protect myself in case the day came that I decided to drink again. Of course it did when I decided that and I have been lucky enough to only have one REALLY bad relapse. And also lucky enough to not have a long time period of being back out there. Back to my boyfriend. I just need help figuring out what the right thing to do in this situation is. We're not living together right now, and I was hoping that it would help him solidify his sobriety for him but instead he's essentially fallen off the emotional bandwagon. Also, he was supposed to have quit smoking cigarettes, but instead was lying to my face about smoking them. I think maybe that got him in the habit of lying to me. Its been ten months since I quit cigarettes, and I'm six months sober. We've been both trying to get sober since the every end of 2009. He always yells at me about how I don't help him quit stuff, and I don't make it easy for him even though he purposely would make it hard for me to quit because he wanted a excuse to keep doing what he was doing. Misery loves company, ey?


End of rant.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:02 AM
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It seems to me that he's not ready to quit and he's going to keep on blaming you for everything and as long as you stay with him, you are going to drive yourself crazy. You are sober yourself (Congrats by the way) and you are on the right path cause you are taking care of yourself. My biggest concern here is your child. This is a very very unhealthy and dangerous environment for your child to be in. I have a 19 month old boy and I have exposed him to that type of environment cause I was so focused on my fiances addiction. I just didn't see it at the time but that's not the case anymore. I have learned a lot from this forum and I am able to make healthy decisions for my children now. Please please think about the affects this is having on your child and consider distancing your child and yourself from him right now. You need to protect your child from his destructive behavior. No matter how young they are, your child knows when something is wrong, they can feel it.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:09 AM
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So what are you getting out of the relationship?

I know for me, when I finally got dead serious about my recovery from drugs/alcohol and from codependency, I began to make progress.

I saw where toxic relationships added nothing to the quality of my recovery, and I started making some very tough decisions in order to surround myself with "healthy" people.

I have never regretted the decision to stay out of toxic relationships, and my life has greatly improved in all areas.

I no longer want to be that woman who would settle for less just for the sake of having a warm body in her bed and a man in her life.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:37 AM
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Congrats on your own sobriety.

Drug addicts and alcoholics are not competent to parent. Drug addiction and alcoholism are progressive.Your child will be impacted.

There is nothing you can say or do, or not, that can cause him to use or keep him sober. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Do you have court-ordered child support, in place?
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Old 03-24-2012, 10:33 PM
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I forgot to mention that I am currently totally financially dependent on my boyfriend. My current living arrangement is VERY temporary, and I was always supposed to move back in with him once he found a more suitable living situation for us. Our previous home was making me and our baby sick. Now an update on his addict behavior. I went to a church luncheon today (working on trying to find my higher power) and when it was over I came out to find my boyfriend and the car I had been telling him I wanted. I was very hesitant to be excited since I hadn't test drove it or anything. Once I got inside I noticed a few things wrong, but instead of saying what I was thinking I just asked how much he paid. First I hear 4K and then its 4300. TOO MUCH. (we're broke and have collectively 20K debt) Then I find out he didn't write up a contract or anything with these people. As were driving and I'm finding more and more wrong (a lot right too its not like it was in horrible condition, just not over 4K) the check engine light goes on. We run the codes and its something that could cost over 1K. I told him to call the people and get our money back. People don't pick up. I'm crying about why didn't he do this considering he just spent all our money being stupid, and now he's yelling at me because I'm crying. I'm saying "why are you yelling at me? I didn't do anything wrong!" and you know what he said. he says "Neither did I." Wasjhugdsajkhbvdsakjbdfsakjb expletive expletive expletive...... is what I was thinking. Did I say that? No. I just thought, OMFG he's crazy. I hate drugs. I hate how they make people stupid. I hate how they stunt emotional maturity (present company included=me). I hate how when I say "don't you see how using drugs effects your judgement," he can come back and say, "if I was high I would have [been less rash]" WTF WTF WTF...


Anyway... If I could get some prayers about or positive energy toward this work that will have the be done on this car. (if we can't get the people who sold it to him to buy it back... yeah right = craigslist) I'm taking it to a mechanic on Monday and having it checked out, and hopefully fixed. Let's just pray its nothing big.

Its my favorite color and it has a moonroof so that's a plus.

End Rant/
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Old 03-25-2012, 03:47 PM
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Is there a question which is more important, the safety and wellbeing of your child or a car in your favorite color with a moon roof?
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Old 03-29-2012, 11:48 PM
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Obviously I'm not going to drive an unsafe car. I just figured I needed to say something positive about the situation.
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