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Should I tell his Mom?

Old 03-22-2012, 09:00 PM
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Should I tell his Mom?

I keep going back and forth in my head, as to whether or not I should talk to exabf's Mom about her giving her son money and if she knows what he is really doing with the money. I know it is not any of my business, but I am VERY worried about him and that he is on a very self destructive path to death. He is taking numerous pills, weed, booze, basically he said anything he can get his hands on. He told me he didn't care if he lived or died. He is on parole for a previous drug charge and his Mom is helping him with the majority of his costs of supervision, fines, etc etc.

She is his enabler, but I do believe he is lying to her about needing "extra" money so he can buy drugs and pills. After seeing him passed out and nodding off on my couch 2 weeks ago, barely breathing, and drooling, I feel I at least should talk to her about this. I'm so very worried

I have been detaching and putting a lot of focus on me and my life, but this keeps nagging at me, because if something happened, I would feel an enourmous amount of guilt.
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:31 PM
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If he was drunk driving I would call the cops.

Blood is thicker than water, and since she is his enabler, ............................

1) she won't believe you,

2) she'll tell him what you said

and

3) he'll come screaming at you

You are away from him and his addiction. Time to move on with YOUR life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-23-2012, 12:37 AM
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so am I just supposed to do nothing? Is this the only choice I have when it comes to someone I love who may be slowly dying?
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Old 03-23-2012, 02:28 AM
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Chances are she already knows, but is in denial or super clueless. My sons XGF told me what he was doing with the money I was giving him, and it kinda re-enforced what I already knew. I think if I ever told him what she said he would have just put it back on her, or tried to lie his way out if it.

Unfortunately, I still continued to enable him for quite some time.

Fast forward to now:

I recently let my family members know that when he asks for money it is for drugs, and so far they have been great about it, but it is always their choice.

Just be careful that you don't keep trying to save him.. you know So you can move on and heal.
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Old 03-23-2012, 03:19 AM
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Thanks December and Laurie-You are right she has got to know, since he has been struggling for awhile now.

I also wanted to say, she is a nurse, and he told me that she gave him awhile back some Narcos, for an injury. Of course he could be lying, but, I don't doubt it, as she seems dysfunctional at times. He is really good at emotionally manipulating her. I just want to tell her to open her eyes!!!! Quit enabling your son, you know better!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Mom gives their addict son, pain pills, money, and lies for him....? Insane!!!
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Old 03-23-2012, 03:31 AM
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My axbf's sister does all those things and more. She drove him to the pawn shop to sell my tv and computer to buy drugs not so long ago. She gets him Oxys and gives him money and buys him food and cigarettes. She's sick. She needs help but she doesn't want it. Unfortunately she's such a massive enabler that age justifies his actions towards me and his daughter, or refuses to believe, or blames me. I've stopped talking to her in an attempt to limit damage to myself- she's incredibly toxic. She can't be happy but she's enabled him for over 20 years, I don't know what it'll take for her to stop- or maybe she never will. I can't fix her anymore than I can fix him though!
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Old 03-23-2012, 04:34 AM
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Talking to family members of an active alcoholic/addict hasn’t been of any benefit to me. I find the situation very frustrating and confusing. I’ve tried on several occasions to talk to my GF’s mother. Myself, her mother, and her grandmother are the “normie” part of my GF’s support group. My attempts to talk to my GF’s mother have been in regards to concerns and mainly seeking help for ME and my understanding of how she deals with her daughter’s alcoholism/addiction. She has only once briefly talked to me about it and she initiated the conversation over the phone while she was traveling asking me to take a bottle of pills away from her daughter and give them to her when she returns. That’s it. My thoughts are that she has dealt with an alcoholic husband, father, and daughter and should have some insight to share. However, it remains a topic that is never spoken of. My thoughts are that it may be part of how she detaches. This is a current relationship that I choose to be in. In your situation you’re no longer invested in that relationship. I agree with the other posters that your exbf’s mother has to know unless she is out of touch with reality. I also agree that your focus should be on your healing and well-being. Good luck friend.
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Old 03-23-2012, 05:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
so am I just supposed to do nothing? Is this the only choice I have when it comes to someone I love who may be slowly dying?
Unfortunately you don't have the power to cure him. Many of us here have had to watch our own children continue to self-destruct (or seek recovery) after we have stopped enabling them. Is it difficult and painful? Yep-- by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's cost me a good part of my sanity and thousands of dollars before I accepted that I don't have any power to control the lives of others.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:09 AM
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As the mother of a recovering addict, once I got wind of what my son was doing, I began to educate myself on addiction. My husband and I had come to the point where enough was enough and it was time he moved out of our home and sank or swam. We had enabled him plenty in the seven months he was with us. We learned like everyone else who has dealt with an addict that what appears on the surface is not the full truth. I think my husband and I are wiser now. We don't want to continue enabling our son.

My son is with his girlfriend now, rather than with his Dad and me. The girlfriend and I do not talk to each other. I have considered talking with his girlfriend like you have of talking with your exabf's Mom, but not unless she brings it up first. What's going on in his relationship with his girlfriend is between him and her. I hope my son is working on his recovery. I hope he's being upfront and honest with his girlfriend about his past drug usage and addiction--but lies and half truths is the norm for addicts. It takes a lot of recovery work on the part of the recovering addict to turn around thought patterns that they had to rely on to get what they needed. The day may come when the girlfriend will talk to me, but until then I keep out of their relationship.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:59 AM
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I can only share my own experiences as the mother of an addict.

In the height of my enabling behaviors, there is NOTHING that anyone would have been able to say to me to convince me that I had a problem. I viewed myself as trying to help my son. I had absolutely NO IDEA that, in the case of addiction, helping was hurting. And there was absolutely NOTHING anyone could say to tell me otherwise and if they tried (which some people did), I thought they were nuttier than a fruitcake. I recognized that my son had a problem.....I thought those who were trying to "enlighten" me had a problem......but me? I was just trying to help him keep from further screwing up his life.

That is how a really talented enabler thinks.

So what finally got through to me? Recovering addicts. They were able to get through to me when no one else could. And even at that......it took me a LONG time to change my behaviors. And even now....I can feel the pull to fall back into those old behaviors.

There is nothing that a mother wants more in the world than for their adult (or minor) child to stop using drugs and get their life on track. I've had people try to "help me" in the past and all it has done is make me feel like I'm not doing ENOUGH and try harder to "help him".

Codependents and addicts really are the same horse of a different color.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:37 AM
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Thank you KE, that is exactly me to a tee.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:47 AM
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If it makes you feel better then tell her. Over the years, various people concerned about my AD's behavior contacted me to let me know their concerns. It wasn't really news to me and there was nothing I could do other than avoid enabling.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:52 AM
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As a mom it would have done little to have someone tell me. But looking back many did just in round about ways. We all know the writing is on the wall, us mom's just have to read it for ourselves when we are ready, sadly. Then we have to change ourself not the son, that is thier's to handle.
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post

In the height of my enabling behaviors, there is NOTHING that anyone would have been able to say to me to convince me that I had a problem. I viewed myself as trying to help my son.
Same here.
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
so am I just supposed to do nothing? Is this the only choice I have when it comes to someone I love who may be slowly dying?
As it related to my daughter, I eventually came to the conclusion that nothing short of caging her like a wild animal, could prevent her from consuming drugs.

While being an addict is not a crime, holding an adult against her will, would have been.
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Old 03-23-2012, 02:00 PM
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Thank you to all the Mom's and other posters for your great input! I truly appreciate it.

I thought about asking her if she wanted to go to a Nar Anon meeting with me, but I don't think she really is in to wanting to help herself. I do think she knows he is using weed, but I don't think she knows about how out of control the other addictions are. His last drug of choice was meth, which was 4 years ago. I think she just believes he has learned his leason by going to prison.

I know as a Mother it is the hardest thing to watch your son's or daughter's self destruct and there isn't a dam thing you can do about it. My prayers are going out to all of your addicted love ones. I truly hope they can find the help they need. You all are doing the best you can, and have armed yourself with the right tools to help yourself, and someday them when they are ready.

**hugs**
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Old 03-23-2012, 04:50 PM
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Sky10 each situation is the same, but different!! My son had relapsed and he lives in another state. He lied, lied and lied. I know the ecomony is bad and I really believed he was still doing well.

So did his sister! I tried to help him not knowing he had been partying so much with his girlfriend on MY MONEY!!!

I wish some one had told me - I finally figured it out and I am so p**** at myself for trusting him. This was his worse conn yet and the girl was in on it!! Believe me it's the last dime I'll ever give him.

Even if she does not believe (or want to believe it) you will know you tried. Nothing gained, nothing lost! I understand how it is to love someone that will not (or can not) help themselves.
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Old 03-23-2012, 05:25 PM
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Skye,

I will share just the experience of my BF and his dad. The final confrontation between him and his dad regarding his drug use was prompted by several things. Yes, his dad knew what was going on, but for a while he didn't know the extent. Several people close to BF dad did come forward and talk to him providing details. It did help open his eyes; it prompted him to look even deeper.....leading to the ultimatum.

If it is something you feel that you need to do, then I say go ahead just realize that you have no control over the situation after that, no furth involvement is necessary since you have broken up. Of course if your worried about violent backlash from your ex, then just walk away with no comment.

Hope you have better days headed your way soon.
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Old 03-23-2012, 06:01 PM
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You said that he has an extensive history and a criminal past. That would make me think that she knows the truth deep down inside, but she is living in denial. I would assume that she has been doing this for a long time? Probably the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You can hope that the people around you will see you as an example, and also want to follow suit. If she specifically asked you, then you could let her know. Otherwise, it sounds more like you trying to control him through her.
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Old 03-23-2012, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebelle View Post
You said that he has an extensive history and a criminal past. That would make me think that she knows the truth deep down inside, but she is living in denial. I would assume that she has been doing this for a long time? Probably the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You can hope that the people around you will see you as an example, and also want to follow suit. If she specifically asked you, then you could let her know. Otherwise, it sounds more like you trying to control him through her.
He told me the reason she "helps" him is because she feels so guilty for putting him through hell during his childhood. She was quite abusive to him and she left his A father when he was very young. She allows her 29 year old son to still live with her, he doesn't work, does nothing but sit around and play playstation all day. She feels "sorry" for him too, and allows him to smoke weed in her house. My ex said he thinks she smokes it with him. I feel bad for her as her life is so out of control and I guess she enjoys enabling her grown sons. She is like my ex's "bookkeeper" she pays all of his bills and makes sure his court costs are up to date, she said if he goes back to prison, it will kill her this time.
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