Wing

Aww... I have been reading a lot about drugs and alcoholic for a month. And I'm reading this forum every nite in bed. I feel like I'll become expert oneday, even though I have never touched drug myself (forgive my exaggeration). I still believe that my ExAbf is a good person. So, I'm trying so hard to figure out what are the causes of his addiction and confusion and his inability to deal with life. If it a problem?

I figure out the possible causes as below, base of the childhood and teenage experience he has told me.

1) Family problem - his mom was sharing weed with him since he was 11. His parents are totally different that they divorced at that time.
2) he probably has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) which is proved to be related to addiction. He told me that he can't be concentrated at school. He quited at grade 10 and grade 12 and went to special school. He left his mom after school and planned to be a bum and snowboard all the time.
3) he claimed that he had depression. It's probably from ADD and Borderline Personality Disorder?

& the problem is that... the above possibilty is calling my compassion!!! When I have the above thoughts, I start to feel that he's a victim and I should have be more understanding despite of the unacceptaible chao he gave me... He always said "u just don't understand." / "it's not easy" / "I have really hard time" / "u think that i'm not trying?" / "u hate me?"

What to do? Stop reading the possible causes and focus on my recovery after all the drama? I'm seeing social worker once per 3 weeks. But perhaps it's not enough?

When will I forget him..

Windmills

Does it matter what the causes are? He's sick, you can't fix, save or cure him.
I'm very sure he's right that 'it's not easy' to be an addict. I'm equally sure it's not easy to love one either.
Also, IME most/all addicts have a sob story or four that they wheel out whenever it might be useful to them.
Are you doing anything for your own recovery? That's the only one you can control.

Wing

I don't know how to help myself now... I'm going crazy
I have alternative feelings within 1 day, actually almost everyday- 1 hour I miss him; another hour I hate him; next hour I have empathy; and next hour I feel hurt. Am I becoming boraderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar now?

What to do? I'm sooo confused and in hell.

Windmills

No you're just confused and stressed out. Take a few steps back. How old are you? How old is he?

Windmills

You refer to him as 'ex'. Why are you still hung up on his issues? They're not yours. It doesn't matter why he uses or why he says you should feel sorry for him. His issues. He needs to own them, and when he's ready, deal with them by himself and in his own time.
What are you hoping to achieve with all this reading about addiction? It's always good to educate yourself but you're not going to find a magic cure or a sudden AHA moment that will make you understand perfectly.
Where do you see yourself in 12 months? Do you want to still feel the same as now? Do you want to feel worse than now if you go back to him?
Do you honestly think he can make you happy? Be honest with yourself. Is he the man you always wanted? Does he treat you with love and respect?
You're out of the situation. You're away from him. There's nothing tying you to him. What is it that's making you stuck on him?

Ceejaysbag

Hi Wing,

I want to say firstly that I understand all the things you are doing and feeling and I hope that things will get better for you.

I do agree with Windmill that if this guy is your ex you need to focus on your needs not his issues - easier said than done and maybe not what you want to hear at the moment.

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons but I can imagine that with an addict you feel if you can find the answer you can put everything right, but there isn't any one true answer.

I have a BF who has an addiction we are currently still together and he is in recovery. As soon as I decided enough was enough but still wanted to stay with him I realised I had one choice and that was to live my life and hope that he wanted to live his enough to take care of his recovery. Our relationship may not last but I work each day on understanding that I can not sacrifice my quality of life in order to save his. No matter how knowledgeable I can become on addiction I cannot control his recovery only he can do that. He had all kinds of horrible thins to deal with as a child - abandoned by parents, abused in the care system but as an adult he needs to have learned how to deal with the demons and not use them as an excuse to get high and blot out life - life can only get better when you actively choose to take control of making it better.

I believe you need to concentrate in moving forward and believe in a time when you won't be hurting as much and you can help that happen - do things for yourself, remember the things and the people that make you happy and seek them out. You are not failing by letting go of him.

Here are a couple of mantra’s that are getting me through my tough days:

• You cannot control the thoughts, feelings, actions or words of others
• And nothing is the end of the world


I wish you the best in your journey.

Wing

perhaps it's because whenever I told him that I was too stressed and might need to walk away for good, he looked like a sad puppy and told me to have faith on him...
& he called me last month (we broke up in Sep as he kept accusing me of having other guys and gone crazy, seems it's typical case in this forum) and said how confused he was and how much he hated himself for not being able to stop troubles in his life. He thought that I have nice life, lot of friends, good career, lot of guys persuing me. He kept telling me to go to see him; and he needed attention. As silly as I was, I met him... Finally, it ended up crap... I slapped in his face countless time; he grabbed my collar and lifted me up. I called Police and we went No Contact since then.

I'm 31 and his 30. Actually it must sound very naive to u... coz we've been just together for 3 months, lived together. And 5 months of daily messages after break up. He's a chef and worked long hour, in 1.5 week, he already gave me his house key. He always persuade me to stay there but I have 9am - 6pm work. Whenever I stayed, I didn't have enough time for sleep as I stayed up with him till 2 or 3am. But whenever i didn't meet him, he got drunk and blackout. It was like baby sitting. I kept thinking to leave him and I told him that I couldn't be there waiting forever for him to quit cocaine and alcohol. But he told me that he wanted to get treatment (i didn't even suggested it) and he kept saying that he wanted to have baby with me. I said "yea, u'd feed the baby with beer" (new I see all these as red flags).

I know... other member said that I shouldn't waste another 30 years in crazy train. When I was with him, I always knew that I could easily get someone better and I was always thinking to leave him... but now, in the end, it's hard to let go?

I have have to admit that I have issue too... Since we broke up and since he never stopped contacting and being irritating sometimes, I had said many hurtful words to him. I called him "drug addict" / "human scum"/ "rubbish" / "I never met any low class guy like u" / "why don't u just kill yourself so that there's no more trouble for u & the world"

I'm bad, I'm sick... I need help. I need therapy. I think that the counselling from social worker is not enough

Windmills

Ow, that sounds like an abusive relationship on both sides. Do you want to live like that forever? I'm just taking my daughter to the dr so will come back in an hour or two and write more.

Skye10

You are not alone...I know how hard it is to let go...I'm on my 3rd or 4th try AGAIN!! I hope I can make it this time, as he isn't good for me at all. I know I deserve someone to love, respect me and not hurt me. I too have called him terrible names and said crazy things I regret. We all do things we regret and wish would could take back. I think when we become emeshed with one another, I start to build up tons of resentment for how mean and abusive he is to me.

If he is doing this already at 3 months, could you imagine how worse it will be in a year? The first 3 months of a relationship are the honeymoon period. Doesn't even seem like you got that much.

My exabf had almost the same upbringing as you had mentioned your ex did-his Mom and her husband introducing weed to him at 10...I think he is ADHD and has a few personality disorders, a lot of abuse in his childhood as well. I too want to "help" him, but he has to want to help himself first, he isn't ready for that nor will I think he ever will be. I truly believe he will die soon at the rate he is going I wish I could help him, but I need to take care of myself.

I know its so so hard...hang in there!

Ceejaysbag

I don't think you're naive - no one can put a time frame on the development of feelings for a person, however, having said that if you were only together for a while I don't imagine you have very many good memories.

I am sure he feels remorse at times for his behaviour but it's not enough - actions are the only positives, we can all be sorry when we feel ashamed. Everyone makes mistakes it's how we put them right that counts.

Don't allow your self to be manipulated, don't label this as 'no contact' label it as over. Seek whatever help is available to get you strong and healthy again in your mind so that you can move on. Its a massive cliche but time is great healer.

Please don't think of yourself as bad, learn from this experience the person you don't want to be and set into motion being the person you want to be.

I hope I don't offend with my words or opinions, I don't know you or the entirity of your situation but we found ourselves on SR because of a common problem and by sharing our thoughts and experiences I hope we all help each other in some way.

Wing

Dear Windmills,

Thanks so much for your response even tho u're busy. I became verbrally abusive... But I swear that I tried all my best to take care of him & cheer him up all the time when we were together... Why I became like this...

When i called him all the ugly names, he didn't fight back at all. He would just sent me msg an hour later "u feel better?" & when I apologized, he said "u didn't mean it, right?"

Wing

Dear Skye10,

Yes, when I was with him. I kept thinking that he could be the worst guy I ever get. & I took it as my failure as I was proud of myself that I always choose bfs very carefully. I'm a very picky person.

I may know why I find it hard to let go, somehow... Is it beacuse I found myself much better than him and I feel too ashamed of having him as bf and even finally got hurt? It's a BIG failure to me.

Nobody could believe that I took a crap guy like this. They thought I could get whatever guy I want. Even in the begining, he couldn't believe that I would like him.

Aw... Do I hate him or do I like him?
This is sick... or am I narcissistic?

Wing

Never feel offended... I just need honest and straight forward opions to keep my mind clear. Thanks so much.

I know that nobody could help me go through the emotion chao except myself. But SR really helps a lot.

I know that "if I hope him to be tough enough to stop cocaine & alcohol; I'd rather work harder on myself and force myself to tough up to stop my confusion". If i expect myself to fix other, I must fix myself first.

Windmills

Ah. Right.
Self righteousness can be so damaging to you and to others. He's sick, he's an addict and addiction a disease. He needs help to get better, when he's ready. You're no better than him. It's only by the grace of god that the situation isn't the other way round.
This relationship is so incredibly toxic. Does he make you happy? What do you like about him? Are you only drawn to him because you want to fix him? Is it that you can't bear to have a relationship that you didn't end on your terms?
Do you see yourself with a future with this man? He behaved like this in the first three months of a relationship. It's not going to get better- that could be the best if ever gets, and it can and will get worse once he's seen your lack of boundaries.

Wing

Yes windmills,

He behaved like this in first 3 months. He told me many time to take him to meet my parents, I never did. I said that he didn't pass probation period as a bf yet... Maybe u are right. I just want to fix him, I want to help him to see himself as a great person.

He told me that his previous relationship lasted for 4 years and he almost married her. I wonder how it worked. But he told me that she's a worse cocaine addict than him. When he first told me that he's doing cocaine, (its just 1 mth since we got together)he asked for my support. He said it could be a chance for him to quit addiction becoz of our relationship. I still had clear mind at that time. I told him that if relationship could fix him, his ex could have done it. But he said that he broke up with her coz she's worse. He was in Australia at that time, he wanted to quit. He asked her to move to Canada with him to have fresh start. But she got worse there as coke is cheaper in Canada. He left her to move to here in Asia. Then, he was telling me to move to some mountain or to London with him... At first I thought he's kidding... Now, I think that he dreamed to get a fresh start again. And he was telling me to get baby, and there was once he asked me to have a joint bank account, when he was drunk and after coke, another hope to force a change with these?

So... He's moving from continent to continent to get fresh start but all failed...
It's crystal clear that he can't change?

Pls help remind me or yell at me to stay away... I'm obsessed...

Windmills

Ok. I'm going to be honest. Have you seen my thread called 'kids' ? My ex lied to me, hid his addiction and made a 'plan' to catch me which involved us having a baby. I know this because he told me afterwards. So we have an almost 2 year old, he's been around for maybe 1/4 of our life. Check the thread out anyway it's a snapshot of life with an abusive addict.
You CAN'T fix his addiction. Give it up now before it destroys you. You cannot do anything about it. Having a baby to him won't fix it, and a joint bank account certainly won't fix it. I can't even count how much money he's stolen from me without a joint account.
Why would he even ask that? There's no need to have a joint account unless he wants to control your spending or steal your money. Think about that, it might help you remember what kind of a man he is.
Addicts hit their bottom by losing people, among other things. I went to an open NA meeting and the one thing that was clear was that addicts didn't hit bottom by getting support from their loved ones.

zoso77

Wow...this is an interesting topic.

For the past couple of years, I've kept a journal, and this journal included all the zany antics of my AXGF. Concurrently, I had email correspondence with my clinician about everything that was going on. Around the time things with my AXGF got really bad, I read a couple of books on Borderline Personality Disorder. And when I was done with that, and then going back through my journal and all my emails with my clinician, I had a very complete picture of my AXGF. The mystery was gone: I was dealing with a very, very sick person. For example, after all my research was done, I realized that her threatening suicide was a twisted form of manipulation.

So, I understand you wanting to "understand", and I personally believe it can be helpful to know what it is you're dealing with. But you have to appreciate that just because you know what you need to know doesn't mean you can help or change the addict. My suggestion is, if possible, keep all that you now know in the back of your mind and now focus on you.

You'll have to unwind why you stayed with him, and that's not an easy task because that may mean admitting things about yourself you don't want to admit.

As my clinician would say, "Here's another f**king opportunity for growth."

Best of luck.

ZoSo

outtolunch

This is a keeper.

Wing

yes Windmills,

I knew that having a baby, having joint account, moving to another continent can't fix addiction. I just saw these as his dream... His dream about kicking the addiction.

I read your thread. I'm sorry that u're going through that. Your ex is so bad. You know what? I actually also found my ex was lying about how much he liked kids and baby. In the first date, he said that he wanted a family so badly and want to teach his kids everything from nature life to daily life. / He told me that he saw a lady with small newborn baby in the restaurant, he came out from the kitchen just to see the adorable baby. / from nowhere, he mentionedmany times that he wanted to have a baby with me. / after the first time I told him to have a break, he said that he dreamed that we had a baby girl.

What the ..... I never ever mentioned that I want children. Perhaps he thought that a family could help him quit drug and alcohol. Or perhaps this is what he thought a woman would like to listen and thought it would make him sound like a loving person.

But right now, whatever what his addicted brain was thinking, it's none of my business anymore

Wing

Thanks Zoso,

U are right. It's a fxxking big lesson as I had told him too.

As u mentioned about admitting thing about myself, i remember there was one night, he got home after drinking with his addict friends, he dragged me out from bed. He said 'everybody has issue, tell me what your issue is! U know about my addiction but i never know what issue u have. I have a feeling that u are hiding sth from me!' Then, he accused me that I'd probably secretly had other Bf, and even suspected that I joined some underground S&M scene just because he saw a bruise on my thigh! He wished to prove that I have issue!

And later in Jan, I met him up again after all crap fight through the phone in 5 mths after break up. He said 'u are twisted. Otherwise u wouldn't be here with me now'

I have to admit that I'm self distructive sometimes.... And probably some other problems too , but i dont kniw what it is. I'm looking for a good therapist to cure myself. I can't let myself fall down again.