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Old 03-20-2012, 05:51 AM
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boundaries

hi everyone. my RAGF should be coming home in a couple months from a sober living. we have a 16 month old son together, as i have posted that story in another thread. we do not live together, and i have set some boundaries already. one of them being that me and her take a break so she can focus on herself and neither of us have the stress of a relationship at this time. i will set more specific ones as her time to come home gets closer. i know 2 months is a ways down the road, but i am not sure what i should do as far as our parenting time arrangment. i do not feel comfortable with just going back to what we had arranged previously, which was equal time. i was just curious if anyone has had any experience with anything like this. i have been going to alanon as well and seeing and addiction counselor. any comments would help! thank you
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:11 AM
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Congrats to you for seeking healthy things for YOU in this situation ~ that is not only awesome for you ~ but great for your son!!

Now, this is just my thoughts on the issue with visitation so please take what you like and leave the rest - let your HP be your guide as you make these decisions. . .

FOR ME ~ just because you happen to be a Mother/Father doesn't mean that you are ENTITLED to rights to a child, especially if you have exhibited behaviors/actions that have been proven to be harmful or endangering to the child.

FOR ME ~ I have to base my decisions on a person's actions not on their words or best intentions . . . I know my step-son would never intentionally hurt his daughter (our granddaughter) but sometimes this disease prevents him from making healthy decisions to protect her ~ therefore Mr. PINK & I have to limit her contact\visit with him.

After a while, if he ever gets in recovery and provides extended examples of healthy responsible behaviors and actions ~ then we would reconsider the time we allow her to spend with him. . .

That's just how we handle it ~

Praying God's very Best for ALL in this situation!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:32 AM
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Speaking as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, keep your child safe. Your child is your number one concern not it's mother. It's mother has to take care of herself, nothing else will help. Your child cannot take care of itself, you have to. Keep your child safe. Always. Good luck.
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:37 PM
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If I recall, your child is with one of your parents. Given GF's history and 4 other kids, is there any reason why custody should change, unless you are prepared to take custody of your own child ?
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Old 03-20-2012, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
Congrats to you for seeking healthy things for YOU in this situation ~ that is not only awesome for you ~ but great for your son!!

Now, this is just my thoughts on the issue with visitation so please take what you like and leave the rest - let your HP be your guide as you make these decisions. . .

FOR ME ~ just because you happen to be a Mother/Father doesn't mean that you are ENTITLED to rights to a child, especially if you have exhibited behaviors/actions that have been proven to be harmful or endangering to the child.

FOR ME ~ I have to base my decisions on a person's actions not on their words or best intentions . . . I know my step-son would never intentionally hurt his daughter (our granddaughter) but sometimes this disease prevents him from making healthy decisions to protect her ~ therefore Mr. PINK & I have to limit her contact\visit with him.

After a while, if he ever gets in recovery and provides extended examples of healthy responsible behaviors and actions ~ then we would reconsider the time we allow her to spend with him. . .

That's just how we handle it ~

Praying God's very Best for ALL in this situation!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
thank you rita, these words are very meaningful and helpful, and now i have some time to think about them. i am trying my very hardest to do the best thing for myself and our son! (BTW her DOC is heroin) i am also very aware that her actions must show me how serious she is. some positives...she decided to get help HERSELF, went to an inpatient 35 day rehab program at a legit place, and decided HERSELF(with the recommendation of her counselor)to go to sober living (minimum 90 day) out of state after that, and her positive reaction to us "taking a break" showed me that is serious about recovery. now some negatives...well she had a relapse a few weeks back by doing "whippets," but she says now that was something that showed her that she has to surrender herself fully and not do things "her" way. she definitely knows the right things to say, but i am aware of how that can be deceiving. so now only time and her actions will tell.

Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
If I recall, your child is with one of your parents. Given GF's history and 4 other kids, is there any reason why custody should change, unless you are prepared to take custody of your own child ?
and sorry for any confusion outtolunch...but i take care of my son full time, with the exception of my parents helping me out when i go to work. we have no court orders though. we had a hearing at the end of the month, but i put in a request to dismiss the case because i did not trust this judge. this was a hard decision for me, but i did not want the fate of my son be put in the hands of a judge that seemed to be ignorant to the disease of addiction. this judge had dismissed an emergency temp order i previously had and put my son back into the hands of his addicted mother. as far as her other 4 daughters, most likely she will have them back on the normal schedule she had with their father as soon as she gets back...unless by that time she feels she may need more time for healing. but i guarantee he really doesnt care about any of her healing. hope that clears some stuff up...
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Old 03-20-2012, 03:06 PM
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sorry...double post

Last edited by stickywater; 03-20-2012 at 03:10 PM. Reason: double post
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:19 AM
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on another note, kinda off topic...i was just reading through the recovery forum. this is some awesome stuff!!! this lets me know that a happy life and so many other things in life are possible if she sticks to her program and me to mine
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:41 AM
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Dear Stickywater,
Thank you for posting. I realize that you are in a very tough place and I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. I am so thankful that you are working on yourself and that you are so much stronger and healthier emotionally than you were before she left. I think you are in a great place and that you can trust your gut and you will make the right decisions for your son. You already are making sound decisions, which is wonderful. If you dont mind my suggestion, I would say pray about it....non-stop. It's the only way I can ever make a decision, especially one as serious as this. Hope this helps....but know that in the meantime, I am praying for you!
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Old 03-21-2012, 04:54 PM
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i will take all the suggestions and prayers i can get girlie214! thank you ! and thank you to everyone for your responses
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