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When is enough finally enough?

Old 03-22-2012, 12:23 PM
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Al-anon meeting, therapy, yoga, music and work tomorrow- preoccupation is survival for me.
Whether you're aware of it or not, you're doing really well, and I hope that you're giving yourself credit. You're doing all the right things.

As far as your feelings for him...well, they're feelings, and that's OK. I personally don't find it troubling if you still care for him, or that you're angry. It's all normal. But what gets us into trouble, what trips us up, is when we feed the anger...because once that happens, not only is it difficult to dial it back, we might do something stupid that we shouldn't do. And that's why it's good that you're doing what you're doing with the yoga, and music...you're changing the channel in your head.

We can love someone and not be with them.

I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work.

ZoSo
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Old 03-24-2012, 02:59 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post

We can love someone and not be with them.

ZoSo
Very profound words and so, so true.
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Old 03-24-2012, 03:02 PM
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no, actually when you are truly ready to let go, be done, there's nothing left to say. it just doesn't matter anymore

that makes a lot more sense... when you're ready you just let go... for me it tends to be slower... i've never been a rip off the bandaid kind of girl to avoid more pain... i let go a lot slower... not sure that has served me so well
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:28 PM
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I have more than one ex. Just tonight I clicked "like" on an old photo of my previous boyfriend who totally broke my heart with his commitment phobia (not at all due to my spiraling alcoholism I'm sure )
we ran into each other right about the time I started dating the most recent ex...
and we had a nice chat over a bite to eat.

this is someone who tore my heart apart! now, I click "like", he invites me to his concerts...

we never really know what the "last word" is. letting go and last words aren't like concrete that you can pour into your heart and solidify and harden that part of you that loved him. if letting go keeps tripping you up try the 3rd step, which is "turning it over" to a higher power (god, fate, mystery, destiny, spirit, love...) just try turning it over...offer it up and lay the burden down for awhile, give yourself a break.

giving yourself a break may give you a breather, some distance, some clarity.

and last word? you have all the time in the world for a last word. the more silent reflection you take, the more quiet meditative time you spend focused on your outlook for life, the more moments of the day you consciously notice something beautiful (trees budding!) and practicing gratitude...the more beautifully and spiritually articulated your (maybe last) words will be...
maybe they will be so perfect you won't even have to say them

it sounds a little like maybe you are caught in a melancholy cycle and a few efforts at switching your perception, even just for an afternoon at a time, can help you break the cycle

you're going to be okay...that wing needs some self care
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Old 03-25-2012, 04:01 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Angry new at this

Im new at this but going thru same. After 25 years thought the hard part was over.im learning alot
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Old 03-25-2012, 04:48 PM
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Hello jolinda,

I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.
25 years? I have about that much invested in addiction too.
You could start a new thread and tell us about yourself jolinda.

Beth
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Old 03-25-2012, 04:57 PM
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and last word? you have all the time in the world for a last word. the more silent reflection you take, the more quiet meditative time you spend focused on your outlook for life, the more moments of the day you consciously notice something beautiful (trees budding!) and practicing gratitude...the more beautifully and spiritually articulated your (maybe last) words will be...
maybe they will be so perfect you won't even have to say them
Thank you lesliej, this really spoke to me today.

Finally! Forsythias!
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Old 03-25-2012, 04:58 PM
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sad so very sad

Dont know really what im doing. Not really computer savy, just really need people to talk to. before i go off deep end. i cant really give advice but i feel for u and no exactly how u feel.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:11 PM
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Dont have enough posts for new thread. Its my husband , meth addict.After being togeather for 25 years,he lost his job, totaled our truck,left, came back to many times to count, now were losing our house. Hes gone again, says he loves me,but weve grown apart.Says he doesnt know.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:28 PM
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Just go to the forum "friends and family of substance abusers."

At the top it will say "new thread" and just click on that

Then tell us your story if you want and that will give us a chance to reply directly yo you more easily.

It has been 2 years for me and only 2 months in the SR forum. It has helped so much even if you have grown apart and let go. There is so much to learn here. Welcome Jolinda.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:45 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Lesliej- the melancholy can get the best of me at times. I have that tendency anyway even though a lot of people do not know that about me. Starting to work on some things in therapy and am really happy with it so far.

I do not feel ready for a relationship and just want a break from it all. I want freedom again so I can remind myself how to be free in a relationship. I learned that if and when I am ever ready for a relationship again I want a man who is in control of himself and not controlling. There is a big difference. I was so attracted to my ex's masculine side and in control side, but that quickly turned into being controlling.

I have been with men with low self-esteem who feel competitive with me or admire me, which is fun at first if they are supportive of me. But sometimes they will bring you down just to make themselves feel better. I noticed in these relationships my self-esteem is lower and when I am on my own I more confident. I know it is possible to grow with someone in a relationship but with active addiction and even with past addiction where there has been minimal real recovery or self-work that a healthy relationship becomes impossible. To be honest, this is a problem with most men I have been in a relationship with whether addiction was present or not. I am a pretty successful woman and that throws most men I have met.

I think I just could not picture that at this time in my life that having a partner or kids would not be a part of it at this point. I am lucky that I have had amazing life experiences, profession, education, and passions, however, I am still a woman with certain desires so it was hard to walk away from a man I felt such connection with. It is not wondering if I will ever find it again that bothers me. It is whether or not I am too hardened now and have been too drawn to the "bad boy.". That is why I am here and getting on with life because I really do not want to become more jaded or bitter.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:27 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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As much as we may think the addict doesn't love us sometime it's not true. They are in the grip of an illness which ends are almost always the same, jails, institutions and death. I used to think my addict chose drugs over me but that's not really the way it is. It really has little to do with us, and everything to do with their addiction. Behind all my anger has always been and still is sadness. Sadness and dismay for this cunning disease called addiction. There is only one known cure (abstaining from drugs) and until the addict decides to get in recovery, it is just plain old crazy making. Nothing makes sense and a person who is not using and loves and cares for the addict cannot really find much logic in the addict's actions, behaviours or words. Try to give yourself a break.
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Old 05-17-2012, 06:48 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I can relate, I not long ago was in a relationship with a heroin addict. He is in denile about his addiction thinking that moving to another state will help him stay clean..... but one little problem with that "he is not dealing with the addiction, or changing, working on the addictive behaviors". If anything he has gotten worst to me with the behaviors. But he left me, for no reason, up and left and i trully understand how your feeling I am there..... Im in the same situation. I trully would like to see him so that I can tell him a thing or two., but what good will that do, he is already not caring, and has no emotions. He is a addict who is running from himself., I am starting to realize that he is sick both cognitivly and spirtually. He is not well and maybe oneday i will get that closure but until that day comes im doing me, counseling, groups, and working on getting my mind and peace back in mylife. I delt with the lies, cheating, deception, betrayal, all that from this man and honestly its not worth it........ I'm realizing that now...... i'm realizing that I was and still is in love with an individaul who is afraid or unwilling to love himself. He cheats because he is afraid of being alone, also for other reasons..... I am good to me, to God, and to this earth.... I am better then all this.... and see it has taken me a few weeks to realize that this man did me a favor with the no contact, cutting me off tactic because Now i am gonna get stronger through this, and when he returns, and I am sure he will oneday "as we went through this a year ago" I will be strong, and united with myself to push back his addiction, and him. I will be in-love with myself even more.......
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Old 05-17-2012, 06:55 PM
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I read an article that has helped me with understanding all this as it related to personality changes addicts go through,,, just my observation of my ex:
Playing the blame game, and playing the victim.... its so funny how i related to that article and shared it with my co-workers... adicts are very skilled at games and trying to impression manage thier victims...... also what helped was the letter about "what addicts do". that was very clear and to the point of what iam seeing today even through his no contact childish behaviors. All this is just funny, he is 34 years old started using at age 15, so as it appears cognitivly he has the brain of a 15-16 year old person. He is 34 years old only on paper.... menatlly he is not an adult as his brain stopped growing through 15 years of addiction, and its sad because he really thinks moving to another state is the answer, he doesnt even realize that i already found out that he is getting high there also.... just a sad sistuation and Iam so glade that GOD has caused an interuption within mylife as it deals with him and to sit back and reflect on this person, this sistuation, mylife in-general. I love him, I am not judging him, but I can not allow him or myself to hurt ME anymore. I have a wonferful life, three college degrees and a career and I am growing every day. and with that I will continue to grow even through this hurt and pain....
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Old 05-17-2012, 09:15 PM
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When I was leaving my abusive husband my counsellor explained the circle of abuse to me. And in a few sentences he summed up my entire 8 year relationship.

So if you realize that the nice times are just a part of that circle leading back to getting assaulted physically or verbally you realize that all you have to do is step out of the track of that circle and it will all stop.

And it did... And then got into drugs... But that's another story

So step out of the track and let him spin on his own
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Old 05-20-2012, 11:16 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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It is so interesting to come back to this post. My latest posting was "what am I thinking?" in regards to going to visit him and now I am right back to "when is enough finally enough?" But now my new post is no longer a question. It will read "enough is enough." And believe me, the tape that replays in my head is not all of our happy memories. It is all of the repeated lies, cheating, abuse, threats, promises, manipulation and BS. I do cherish our good times and hope this turns out to be a healthy growth process for both of us. But all I can do now is fight for me.

I am on day 7 of no contact and and very minimal throughout the last 2 weeks. I set a boundary that was clear, concise, and unambiguous. No contact directly or indirectly via any route of communication for one year. After one year, if and only if, he is sober and working an authentic recovery program may he contact by a brief email to state that he is sober and in recovery. Then I will decide if it is safe for me to contact him. And if and only if he is not in and has not been in another relationship. I sent this via email so that he would have it in writing and asked that any time he felt tempted to call he could read this instead. I also stated that the main obstacles to being in a relationship with him, despite the love I feel for him, are the addiction, trust, distance, and abuse which all translate back to addiction. Not so sure that his meanness comes from addiction or if that is just who he is as a result of unresolved issues. Not my business anymore.

There were no other terms. Non-negotiable. No trying to figure out what I am doing or where I am going through friends or family or the internet. His number is blocked. His email is filtered. I have no social media. I am not available for more abuse. I don't feel attached to what he is doing, is not doing, might do, or how he feels. He has had no consideration for how I feel or my well-being. This is one of the most selfish, cunning, baffling, and insane diseases I have ever come across- this addiction thing. Death of the spirit for anyone who plays with it for too long. So tempting and so disappointing.

It is time for healing. I pray for him. I pray for all. I am not sure what is happening to me now but a really dense fog is lifting and starting to clear away. That really does happen when you start to let go. It is as if someone freed me from being held hostage in a dark cave or as if I was rescued from being a POW. All I know is that detaching is the only option. The other options are no longer an option. I deserve so much better and it is not my fault that he does not love himself. I know without a doubt that letting him go is the best thing for me and my future. This is an act of unconditional love for self and for him.

I will be checking in frequently to SR for to report my number of days of "sobriety." In the time of detaching from him and being in recovery, I am also going to abstain from using alcohol socially and just be free of any clouding of the mind for sometime. I already have so many tools for coping and I use them every day. The main tool is HALT- don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This really helps. The rest is living my life and getting out into the world again with a new set of eyes. The tears come and go but it's getting better. The tears are healing the tears. And my HP is with me the whole way. Blessings and prayers to all...
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Old 05-21-2012, 11:26 PM
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Oh I get you girl. I was able not to see my XAB (in recovery 9 months) for 3 months...then I saw him at a work function he pulled out all of the stops (charm, lost weight, new suits, you know the deal) and I wanted a fix...it was too much temptation and I took it.

Fast forward 2 months and now I've gone no contact for 4 days. Tonight he showed up at my front door, he ring the bell, knocked several times, I did not want to answer it. Very poud of me today.

Now for the Codie side of me....in a very sick way I liked that he broke a boundary and showed up at my house as that means he's hurting in my head.
I wnt him to hurt like he hurt me.

The truth is he's not getting it his way or his needs met and that's why he was at the door.

It's tough but so is staying involved with an addict lie this at any level. Which life do you want chaos or peace?

We all deserve peace.
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:34 PM
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Day 11 of no contact with my ex-nonsober-nonrecovering-abusive-active-too long to make an acronym-addict-bf. It is proving to be more peaceful to have no contact than to get a temporary fix by trying to communicate or reason with him in active addiction. This grief process is healing. The pain, if I face it without a crutch, is liberating. I know which coping mechanisms promote life vs death. The abuse has stopped. There is no more space in my heart for new trauma to enter with clear terms, intentions, and boundaries. Recognizing the anger inside, underlying my relationship with him, awakens the wounded child in me. This is where the real healing begins- with learning self-love. I will not be a victim for one more day because I am not a victim. I am a spiritual warrior, a healer being healed, and a soul worth fighting for just as we all are. I see that we are all on this path together and it requires learning self-awareness, compassion, empathy, boundaries, acceptance, and forgiveness free of delusional fantasies that belong in vampire movies. (although ya gotta love the vampire movies).
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:14 PM
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Be gentle with yourself as somedays will be difficult and you will CRAVE him...the fix. Addicts are like birds waiting for the crumbs to fall off the table at an outdoor cafe....they know it's coming so they will stay close by and bite the first chance they get.

What I'm going to do this time to remind no contact is to reach out when I'm having that craving to speak with him and let go of feeling embarrassed of having those cravings.

What are you going to do when you crave a fix of him?
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:48 PM
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That is so helpful to ponder. What will I do when I crave him? Right now, if I am not busy as usual I cry, play music, call my friends or family, call my sponsor, go to a meeting, make plans, go to yoga, go to the park, journal, take a bath, do some work, cook, clean, meditate, pray and cry some more. The real challenge comes when I am not busy- at night before bed, in my dreams, and first thing in the morning. I am doing my best to allow myself to be sad and admit to my close friends and support group that I need help at this time. That's a hard one for someone like me but it's getting easier to reach out and everyone has been loving and supportive. I never knew. I do pray he does not try to contact me some way or try to show up on my door step. He is clever and he knows I am vulnerable. I don't know if I could be so strong if he were here. I feel fortunate that he is long distance. I feel I am probably in need of regular, even daily, meetings at this point.
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