AS Birthday Coming Up.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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AS Birthday Coming Up.
My 26 year old AS's birthday is coming up in a few days. I've recently gone "No Contact", and now I find myself agonozing over his birthday. In the past his birthdays have always turned out pretty miserable for everyone. He's always high, that's a given. And he treats his birthday like a debt owed and payable upon demand. If he receives a birthday card with no money or check in it, he simply tosses it down in disgust. There's a traditional birthday cake that I usually bake for everyone in the family for their birthday. He'll be expecting a cake, dinner out, gifts (meaning money). I want to acknowledge his birthday, want him to know I love him, but I don't want to be the recipient of yet more verbal and emotional abuse, and I don't enjoy his company when he is high nor that of his AGF. Just not sure how to handle it this year. Any and all suggestions appreciated. Thanks 
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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He's turning 27 and has a history of using his birthday as a financial booty calls, going so far as to dismiss cards that don't contain $$$.
You have made the decision to go NC for solid reasons. This does not mean time off birthdays or holidays.
We moms have a tendency to use our need to reassure our adult kids that we love them to rationalize not honoring our own boundaries.
If you must, bake that cake and eat it, too. No reason to acknowledge him in person, cause you know where it's going to go. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You have made the decision to go NC for solid reasons. This does not mean time off birthdays or holidays.
We moms have a tendency to use our need to reassure our adult kids that we love them to rationalize not honoring our own boundaries.
If you must, bake that cake and eat it, too. No reason to acknowledge him in person, cause you know where it's going to go. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I like Outtolunchs suggestion to bake it and eat it yourself. I know it hurts, but if he does not appreciate the feelings behind all you do, just dont throw your feelings at his feet this time. Let him see the consequences of not being a nice person to those who love him. Let him see that you are going to take care of yourself, and if that means not celebrating his birthday, then so be it. People should appreciate gifts and love. if they dont, then they dont deserve gifts. give him a message, loud and clear, that you wont give offerings to this hateful baby king. that you are done with that, and wont sacrifice your feelings for him to have money to spend, probably unwisely.
not telling you what to do, but this is what I fantasize I would do. My son is almost that rude and selfish. and if he acted that selfish, he would get nothing. see how he likes that, see how it feels to reap what you sow.
this really pushed buttons, so ignore if I seem too defensive, but I know your pain, and I believe that you do NOT deserve that treatment. big hugs to you.
chicory
not telling you what to do, but this is what I fantasize I would do. My son is almost that rude and selfish. and if he acted that selfish, he would get nothing. see how he likes that, see how it feels to reap what you sow.
this really pushed buttons, so ignore if I seem too defensive, but I know your pain, and I believe that you do NOT deserve that treatment. big hugs to you.
chicory
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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My son was in the middle of a relapse last year when he turned 21. We called him and wished him Happy Birthday and offered to take him to dinner. He didn't really want to be around us so he avoided it.
There were no gifts and no explanations.
In retaliation, he did not acknowledge Mother's Day and my BD. Pretty much what we expected.
Shortly after that I made the mistake of having him meet me for our "usual" once a month lunchtime. He showed up higher than I've ever seen him and was basically passing out at the table, eyes rolling up. It made me uncontrollably sad and I couldn't wait for it to end. Another boundary was born.
We never passed up an opportunity to tell him we loved him and that he would have our support when he was ready for recovery.
We were never "officially" no-contact though.
There were no gifts and no explanations.
In retaliation, he did not acknowledge Mother's Day and my BD. Pretty much what we expected.
Shortly after that I made the mistake of having him meet me for our "usual" once a month lunchtime. He showed up higher than I've ever seen him and was basically passing out at the table, eyes rolling up. It made me uncontrollably sad and I couldn't wait for it to end. Another boundary was born.
We never passed up an opportunity to tell him we loved him and that he would have our support when he was ready for recovery.
We were never "officially" no-contact though.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
He should not be expecting anything from you given the situation and clearly you have gone no contact for a reason. If you still want to do something for his birthday (or other holidays), why don't you put together a "hope chest or box" to store letters/ cards/photos that you'd want to share with him when/if he is ready to appreciate it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Thank you, all of you for your responses. OTL and Chicory, you are absolutely right, I think it's more about my needs. I soooo need to hear this. I guess in a way it's giving my self permission to be angry with him, and not with myself.
Beavsdad, I know that state of AS being so high he's nodding off at the table. It's sickening. I can't even count the times we've sat at the dinner table and watched in dismay and disgust as my AS nodded, nodded, head falling closer and closer over to his plate. Or he would open the refrigerator and 'nod off' while standing there.
Thanks guys, I needed a clear definition of No Contact, and of boundaries, and no exceptions for birthdays. I feel so silly sometimes.
Beavsdad, I know that state of AS being so high he's nodding off at the table. It's sickening. I can't even count the times we've sat at the dinner table and watched in dismay and disgust as my AS nodded, nodded, head falling closer and closer over to his plate. Or he would open the refrigerator and 'nod off' while standing there.
Thanks guys, I needed a clear definition of No Contact, and of boundaries, and no exceptions for birthdays. I feel so silly sometimes.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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I feel so silly sometimes.
For me, if giving the gift is born of obligation, then it dilutes it's purpose and meaning and joy for both parties. If a gift is withheld based on anger, it just feels bad to me. Addiction makes holidays and birthdays more of fearful, obligation based occasions rather than events full of joy and celebration.
I hope that you'll do what is best for you.........
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
KuanYin,
You are not silly, dear. This is hard on loved ones of addicts. As KE said, do what is best for you. What ever that is. I am sure he knows you love him, and he is probably smart enough to know why you are no contact.
sending hopeful wishes,
chicory
You are not silly, dear. This is hard on loved ones of addicts. As KE said, do what is best for you. What ever that is. I am sure he knows you love him, and he is probably smart enough to know why you are no contact.
sending hopeful wishes,
chicory
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EJG, that's a really good idea, and that's something I could do because I want to do it, and then if he never comes around, never chooses recovery then it's something I can hold on to for his little daughter, for someday. Sort of a 'happy hope box'.
I know he'll try to contact me, probably via email, since I'm not answering my phone calls from him. I would like to tell him that a "gift" is not a debt owed. And that generally people can expect to be treated they way they treat others. But I know those are words. I have to drive into my head that no contact means no contact. It's hard learning that. That's why this board is so helpful to me.
I know he'll try to contact me, probably via email, since I'm not answering my phone calls from him. I would like to tell him that a "gift" is not a debt owed. And that generally people can expect to be treated they way they treat others. But I know those are words. I have to drive into my head that no contact means no contact. It's hard learning that. That's why this board is so helpful to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Firstly, hugs going out to you. When I read your post, if brought those tears, but that is ok. I am sad because I think about my son more on his birthday, and how much I miss him. I think of the first time I held him and how he made the cutest little squeaky noises and smelled so fresh and new. I think of all the hopes I had for him. I think about him smiling and clapping as he blew out the candles on his cake. I hope that one day we get to really celebrate our son’s birthdays again, KuanYin.
I wanted to also say that,
Your son knows you love him and he knows exactly why you are not talking to him. You know if you just showed up with a cake or a hug he would give you a hard time about it.
No 27 year old, drugs or not, should be that ungrateful. Even if you try to make yourself feel better by contacting him, it will give him that opening he needs to start trying to manipulate you again. Mind you, I am giving myself this same reminder as I write to you!
I am not sure if you should bake the cake and eat it, I know for me that would just make me sad, but everyone is different and it may be a liberating experience.
I have read in here that other people donate money to drug treatment charities in lieu of a gift on birthdays. I am thinking about this next year, but what I am doing now is saving the money that I would have given him as a gift for the time, if it comes, when he has been in recovery for a good while, and can use the money wisely.
Thank you so much for your post
I wanted to also say that,
Your son knows you love him and he knows exactly why you are not talking to him. You know if you just showed up with a cake or a hug he would give you a hard time about it.
No 27 year old, drugs or not, should be that ungrateful. Even if you try to make yourself feel better by contacting him, it will give him that opening he needs to start trying to manipulate you again. Mind you, I am giving myself this same reminder as I write to you!
I am not sure if you should bake the cake and eat it, I know for me that would just make me sad, but everyone is different and it may be a liberating experience.
I have read in here that other people donate money to drug treatment charities in lieu of a gift on birthdays. I am thinking about this next year, but what I am doing now is saving the money that I would have given him as a gift for the time, if it comes, when he has been in recovery for a good while, and can use the money wisely.
Thank you so much for your post
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Originally Posted by KuanYin 
EJG, that's a really good idea, and that's something I could do because I want to do it, and then if he never comes around, never chooses recovery then it's something I can hold on to for his little daughter, for someday. Sort of a 'happy hope box'.
I know he'll try to contact me, probably via email, since I'm not answering my phone calls from him. I would like to tell him that a "gift" is not a debt owed. And that generally people can expect to be treated they way they treat others. But I know those are words. I have to drive into my head that no contact means no contact. It's hard learning that. That's why this board is so helpful to me.
I know he'll try to contact me, probably via email, since I'm not answering my phone calls from him. I would like to tell him that a "gift" is not a debt owed. And that generally people can expect to be treated they way they treat others. But I know those are words. I have to drive into my head that no contact means no contact. It's hard learning that. That's why this board is so helpful to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Thank you December, you are right, he does know I love him and he would definitely use the opportunity to try and guilt me into handing over cash, and thus the power struggle would ensue, and since I've stopped struggling with him.....there's no point.
Shocko, that's a great idea, one that I can adapt to my 'happy hope chest' of sorts.
It's so hard letting go, but I'm learning it's much harder holding on to an addict who is hell-bent on staying in active addiction, and destryoing everyone in his pathway. Thank you all so much for the inspiration, and I guess for the permission I felt I needed. And for the strength. This is such a great place.
Shocko, that's a great idea, one that I can adapt to my 'happy hope chest' of sorts.
It's so hard letting go, but I'm learning it's much harder holding on to an addict who is hell-bent on staying in active addiction, and destryoing everyone in his pathway. Thank you all so much for the inspiration, and I guess for the permission I felt I needed. And for the strength. This is such a great place.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Thanks so much for sharing. I really appreciate reading all of the above posts. My AS birthday is coming up April 3, he'll be 22. He is living with us until September. He is receiving after-care treatment and his counselors called me last Thursday to say he seems to really want recovery this time. I started going to a Monday night Al-Anon meeting for parents. That helps a lot. I guess I'll help him out with some summer clothes. He is wearing a larger size now. He's been using for the last 6 years that we know of. I'm trying to just take it day by day. Hugs to all of you for sharing.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Kuan Yin
your healthy boundaries and NOT giving in to connecting with his selfish addictive modes may be one of the BEST gifts you ever give him. I sense the kind of love, for self and for him, that you are trying so hard to demonstrate, and I honor you for that.
your actions will speak very clearly
honor both yourself and him
celebrating birthdays is about celebrating life, hopefully you can one day celebrate life together in recovery...and right now you are lighting a path
find a way to make peace for yourself on his birthday, what you do for your own spirit in a healthy way is good for all, and hold him with quiet compassion in the silence of your heart, that is your gift to him.
peace
your healthy boundaries and NOT giving in to connecting with his selfish addictive modes may be one of the BEST gifts you ever give him. I sense the kind of love, for self and for him, that you are trying so hard to demonstrate, and I honor you for that.
your actions will speak very clearly
honor both yourself and him
celebrating birthdays is about celebrating life, hopefully you can one day celebrate life together in recovery...and right now you are lighting a path
find a way to make peace for yourself on his birthday, what you do for your own spirit in a healthy way is good for all, and hold him with quiet compassion in the silence of your heart, that is your gift to him.
peace
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Thank you lesliej. Your message was beautifully written.
Yesterday and today have been very hard. I've been 'no contact' with AS for just over 2 weeks. Things were getting better, or so I thought. Then yesterday the calls started. I ignored them. Cell and house phone. Didn't answer. Then he left one vm and sent one email yesterday, 2 emails today. He was never in a gang but he often ran with a rough crowd. I've heard him use one particular phrase only a couple of times, and when he did, it was very, very bad; it basically meant declaring war on the party he was talking to. Both yesterday and today he used that phrase against me. I'm beyond shock, beyond numb, I'm not even able to think. I don't think the police would recognize this phrase as a death threat, but I know what it means and my husband knows what it means. I really don't think my AS was high (or f'd up) when he said/wrote it, either. I've been completely out of sorts today. While I'm trying not to worry, it's a devastating feeling to think my son would want me dead. Heart-sick. I don't think I can really define my feelings. I'm so emotionally exhausted I'm just going to take my little dog and go on to bed early. Sadly I believe he thinks that since I won't hand over any money to him, he thinks there's a life insurance policy on me and that he's at least a 50% beneficiary.
I've done all I can do short of putting razor wire all over the outside of the house. I know I'm not thinking very clearly right now, but I think I need to sleep, and give this up to God as well. I can't live my life in fear or in hiding; I guess if I'm meant to be gunned down by my own son, then so be it. Please forgive me for being so down tonight, it's been a rough two days.
Yesterday and today have been very hard. I've been 'no contact' with AS for just over 2 weeks. Things were getting better, or so I thought. Then yesterday the calls started. I ignored them. Cell and house phone. Didn't answer. Then he left one vm and sent one email yesterday, 2 emails today. He was never in a gang but he often ran with a rough crowd. I've heard him use one particular phrase only a couple of times, and when he did, it was very, very bad; it basically meant declaring war on the party he was talking to. Both yesterday and today he used that phrase against me. I'm beyond shock, beyond numb, I'm not even able to think. I don't think the police would recognize this phrase as a death threat, but I know what it means and my husband knows what it means. I really don't think my AS was high (or f'd up) when he said/wrote it, either. I've been completely out of sorts today. While I'm trying not to worry, it's a devastating feeling to think my son would want me dead. Heart-sick. I don't think I can really define my feelings. I'm so emotionally exhausted I'm just going to take my little dog and go on to bed early. Sadly I believe he thinks that since I won't hand over any money to him, he thinks there's a life insurance policy on me and that he's at least a 50% beneficiary.
I've done all I can do short of putting razor wire all over the outside of the house. I know I'm not thinking very clearly right now, but I think I need to sleep, and give this up to God as well. I can't live my life in fear or in hiding; I guess if I'm meant to be gunned down by my own son, then so be it. Please forgive me for being so down tonight, it's been a rough two days.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Oh KuanYin,
I am so sorry, I understand; my son has threatened my life at different times. I know how it feels to wonder in the back of your mind if he is really capable of such a thing? I remember hearing noises outside and wondering if it was him coming to kill me, or burn down my house. I was so numb and shocked as well, and I said that same thing to myself, “if I am meant to be killed by my son so be it.” Who would have thought in a million years?
KuanYin, I can’t help but picture you and your little dog walking down the way… looking so normal; when inside there is so much pain. Sorry, it just makes me sad.
Laurie posted this on a thread yesterday and it helped me. It is a part of a sticky What Addicts do:
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
Let’s face it our son’s act like sociopaths.
Lastly, my son doesn’t have my e-mail address, or I would have to change it, and even though it is an inconvenience to me, I don’t have my AM turned on. He still calls a few times daily, but can’t leave me messages that devastate me. I know not everyone can do that, but a little contact, as you can see, has terrible effects at this point.
Be safe-Hugs and prayers coming at you
I am so sorry, I understand; my son has threatened my life at different times. I know how it feels to wonder in the back of your mind if he is really capable of such a thing? I remember hearing noises outside and wondering if it was him coming to kill me, or burn down my house. I was so numb and shocked as well, and I said that same thing to myself, “if I am meant to be killed by my son so be it.” Who would have thought in a million years?
KuanYin, I can’t help but picture you and your little dog walking down the way… looking so normal; when inside there is so much pain. Sorry, it just makes me sad.
Laurie posted this on a thread yesterday and it helped me. It is a part of a sticky What Addicts do:
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
Let’s face it our son’s act like sociopaths.
Lastly, my son doesn’t have my e-mail address, or I would have to change it, and even though it is an inconvenience to me, I don’t have my AM turned on. He still calls a few times daily, but can’t leave me messages that devastate me. I know not everyone can do that, but a little contact, as you can see, has terrible effects at this point.
Be safe-Hugs and prayers coming at you
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Oh my, KuanYin, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My stepson has threatened to kill 3 members of his family. He also thought that when his father sold his house (before we got married and bought one of our own) that a portion of the money from the house would come to him. Also, Mr. HG changed his life insurance policy to exclude his son. We have an alarm system now and have never told him where we live.
If you do not have an alarm, I can highly recommend it!
Oh, and the most that "Jr." gets for this birthday now are cards and socks.
Many hugs of support! HG
If you do not have an alarm, I can highly recommend it!
Oh, and the most that "Jr." gets for this birthday now are cards and socks.
Many hugs of support! HG
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Thank you December and hydro. I know, from reading the Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One (or of Loving an Addict?), somehow I feel like the lunatic. We did move and had planned not to tell him where we were living. But then we realized he knew where my husband worked and all he had to do was follow him home, so we tried to not further aggravate the tense situation at the time. We do have an alarm, and both my husband and I are well armed I'm sad to say. But of course one would never shoot a "Trojan Horse".
My AS has "joked about" burning the house down. He somehow thinks a magic insurance company will pay lots of money. I've told him that's not how it works. Besides, the house he is living in, the one I walked away from, is now in foreclosure.
Thank you for responding and for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone.
My AS has "joked about" burning the house down. He somehow thinks a magic insurance company will pay lots of money. I've told him that's not how it works. Besides, the house he is living in, the one I walked away from, is now in foreclosure.
Thank you for responding and for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone.
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