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Old 03-19-2012, 07:29 AM
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Things can get so complicated

Hello everyone, its “Confused” here, though not as much as the beginning I hope. First I want to thank everyone again for all of their words of wisdom, care and support. It has really helped me so much on this painful journey. These past two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me, but I think I have been keeping it together fairly well for my kids and work. Together enough so no one notices the dark rings under my eyes from lack of sleep or my covert trips to the ladies room to cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. Thank goodness for makeup! Besides all that I am trying my best to keep myself focused on my goals, which is to make a better life for me and my kids without my AH. Some days I have anger and resentment to give me the strength I need to believe there in nothing I can’t do. But other days, like today, I get an email from him, which I foolishly read, and the fear comes back, the doubts. His emails are straight to the point, no drama and no begging for more “communication” and for some reason this makes me anxious. He will be back in FL on Wednesday to go to the “Outpatient Therapy” he told me about. Honestly so much has happened that I do not believe a word he says anymore but I know the power he has over me regardless. But there is something that I am going to use to help me, my kids. This weekend my son had a little breakdown for lack of a better term. He was crying and screaming and telling me that he hates FL, the fact that his father is sick and not with us and that he thinks he is a bad crazy person. It took me a good half hour to stop his tears and another hour of talking and convincing him what a wonderful person he is and how much I love him. And that I would make it all better again.
This was such an eye opener for me. That my beautiful son could even consider these awful things broke my heart but also gave me this rage against my situation that I hadn’t had before. And all I can think of was, no matter how much I love my AH and how badly I feel for him it just can’t be a part of my life anymore. Because of his addiction and my weakness my children are hurting. That is just unacceptable to me. I have to fix that, I have to make it better no matter what it takes. They are all that matter now.
I have to find the strength somewhere to make this all work. I haven’t been able to attend any meetings because I just don’t have the time or anyone to watch the kids for me that I trust. I have been thinking of maybe trying church again. The kids have suggested it and I will do it if it makes them happy. I have to do something I know. Sorry I think am rambling again, so much going on…Am I doing the right things? Am I being too harsh or not harsh enough?
Your words are so welcome right now. Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:22 AM
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Having lived with an abusive alcoholic as a child, I couldn't agree more. Your children will carry their childhood into adulthood. I would have wished for nothing more than be to raised by one good parent and not be exposed to addiction.

Yes, you are doing the right thing...minor children first, you hold their future in the palm of your hand.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:38 AM
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yez plz look to the al anon directory...there are often many meetings with childcare (for obvious and beautiful reasons!)
also, maybe check into some women's crisis programs as they probably offer very affordable or free child counseling sessions. childhood issues and grief are complicated but totally navigable and the insight from a third party may be a huge gift to your family. thinking that you can take care of all this on your own is really just expecting too much of yourself! as much as you are capable of investigating an addicts moves (that is if you're worth your weight as a codependent!) you can investigate resources for assistance.

drug addiction has been on the frontlines of research on a national level and there have been a lot of programs to help deal with the fall out. this is not a personal thing for any of us...we are, for lack of a better term, caught in an epidemic and it has contagious fall out. get some help for your kids, yes? you don't need to do this alone...it takes a village to raise a child and a loving supportive village for a child who has lived around addiction.

life will be good. life is good.
it sounds like you keep doing the next right thing.
kudos! proud of you YEZ. keep doing it. you are loved
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:41 AM
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again, it is so admirable that you want to do best by your children...but plz get yourself to more support too, re: a meeting/counseling which will provide childcare.

as they say on airplanes and in meetings "put your own oxygen mask on first"
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:42 AM
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Oh Yez, I'm sorry you are hurting. How old is your son? Why does he say he hates Florida?

Does your employer have an EAP that you can talk to? Those are always confidential, free, and they are provided for all family members (not meaning your AH in this case) but for you and your children. Human Resources usually has an 800 number that the employee can call. And if your employer is not large enough to have an EAP, then Gateway is located in JAX, and they might be able to suggest some resources for you and your children. Definitely focus on your children right now, and of course on you.

Hugs and prayers.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Besides all that I am trying my best to keep myself focused on my goals, which is to make a better life for me and my kids without my AH. Some days I have anger and resentment to give me the strength I need to believe there in nothing I can’t do.

I also experience anger and resentment. I do believe it gives me strength and validates my decision to leave my AH. I try not to hold onto it for too long because it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other persont to die.

Honestly so much has happened that I do not believe a word he says anymore but I know the power he has over me regardless.

My ALO has such power over me emotionally. Just this morning I reached out to a fellow Alanon member because I found myself obsessing over my ALO's future "medication" plans. She told me what he wants to do is his business not yours.

This was such an eye opener for me. That my beautiful son could even consider these awful things broke my heart but also gave me this rage against my situation that I hadn’t had before. And all I can think of was, no matter how much I love my AH and how badly I feel for him it just can’t be a part of my life anymore. Because of his addiction and my weakness my children are hurting. That is just unacceptable to me. I have to fix that, I have to make it better no matter what it takes. They are all that matter now.
I have to find the strength somewhere to make this all work

Thank you for posting these words. I do love my AH as well, very deeply. I have much compassion for this disease and his sufferring. Same as you...his addiction + my weaknesses = my children hurting. I too have to provide a better life for my children. They did not ask to be born. I brought them into this world. It is my obligation to give them a healthy, happy childhood. I know my daughter is 18 now but I do hope I am setting a good example for her. I want for her to be independant. I hope she will use my experience as an example to never allow any man to treat her disrespectful. My son is 13years old. I am raising him to be a respectful gentleman. His father never set this example...

Thank you for sharing and posting today.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:59 AM
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I agree I have to get more support, I will do research on all your suggestions today.
This morning my son, he is 6 years old, told me that we are a team and he is going to help me with everything and do all his chores. I know he is saying this because he is upset about this weekend and wants me to know he is alright. He can be so mature for his age.
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:37 AM
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Does Al Anon also help with substance abuse?
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Does Al Anon also help with substance abuse?
It's really either. You'll find people in Al Anon meetings whose lives have been touched by drugs. My AXGF is a drug addict but I go to Al Anon.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:11 AM
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al anon deals with either...nar anon folks may relate to the intensity of drug issues, but they are really so similar it doesn't matter...mainly it is that al anon is usually easier to find and has more meetings.

re: PLENTY of drug addicts use AA for the same reason!
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:31 AM
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Take the drugs out of this and what your son was expressing is very common stuff when parents separate/divorce for any reason. Kids often think they are the cause of problems between their parents and/or that they are not worthy of being loved. Perhaps some single parent family therapy could help, here.

Do you have court-ordered child support in place?
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:35 AM
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Honestly I haven't even thought of child support. I wouldn't think he could do it.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Does Al Anon also help with substance abuse?
Yes. Naranon F2F meetings are not as available as Alanon. I participate with a Naranon online meeting everynight Nar-Anon Support Forum and I attend F2F Alanon meetings. Most people in my Alanon group have cross addicted loved ones and some specifically substance abusers not alcohol. A drug is a drug is a drug.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Honestly I haven't even thought of child support. I wouldn't think he could do it.
Yet he has the $ to cross state lines for outpatient therapy?

He has a legal obligation to contribute to the support of his childen. Taking responsibility for his children is critical to recovery. Why deny him that opportunity? Take yourself out of this and let the court decide what he's capable of paying and when.
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:28 AM
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Well I packed up his things last night and put it in his van. I thought I would cry but I felt so empty and cold. I just did it and then went off to another chore I had to get done before bed. He gets here tomorrow to pick it up his things and the van. I put the keys in the van and will have everything locked up tight inthe house so there is no chance of him going in. I am very nervous about this but keeping his things will only give him a reason to keep contacting me and come back. I don't know if this is a right or wrong move but I do want that van off my driveway. Too many bad memories and sleepless nights associated with it.
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:21 PM
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I know you don't feel it now....but, for what it's worth....I believe you are doing the right thing.

Doing the right thing for you and your kids will feel uncomfortable at first. Then it provides relief when you get to the part where you can look back.
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:55 AM
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My AH came back yesterday and picked up his van and the things I packed for him. After he texted me to let me know he was gone and if I wanted to talk. I refused and didn't answer anything else. The kids were worried when we got home and noticed the van missing. I made up some nonsense that would calm them for now. Once they were all in bed I had my break down. Then got everything ready for work and school. Sometimes I feel like a robot with only small moments of hysterical humanity. I am in the process of choosing an online Al Anon meeting, trying to get a good fit and will send them my first email today. I know it isn't as good as face to face but I have to start somewhere. I am afraid of unraveling anymore than I already am. Day to day… that is what I am doing now. Communicating with all of you gives me strength and shows me lovely future possibilities. Thank you
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:45 AM
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Hi Yez5! Very brave and powerful thing you have done for yourself and your children. I'm sorry you are numb and hurting right now. One moment at a time.....!

Hugs, HG
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:28 PM
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When my son was 7, I had to divorce an abusive AH. I remember my therapist at the time telling me to remind my son that I am a grown-up and I can take care of myself and all grown-up decisions and that he (my little boy) does not have to worry about taking care of me or about any grown-up problems or decisions. That is not the job of little boys. My therapist told me to say this to my son more than once. As often as needed.

It was such good advice. I remember once I was in my bedroom sitting on my bed crying my eyes out. My little boy heard me. He went into the kitchen and made me a plate of snacks (his version) and brought them to me.

Already he was turning into a caretaker. Even though he was kind, already he was trying to take care of a grown-up. Already he was losing his childhood.

So I tried to always reassure him that he could just be a little boy and I would be the adult and I would make good decisions for the good of the family no matter what.

In AA and in Al-Anon, the tradition of the program is the greatest good for the greatest number. This works in family life beautifully. It means no one person in the family gets to be most important at the expense of the other family members. Regarding addiction, it means the addict does not get to suck the family dry of health, possessions, home, peace of mind, personal growth. The addict does not get to be the most important person at the sacrifice of the greater good of the other family members.

So when you need to make decisions, ask yourself about the greatest good for the greatest number. It will help.

You are doing really well. Let the tears flow when you can. In the shower is always a good place, so the children can't hear.

I hope your parents and sisters are staying in close touch.
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Old 03-22-2012, 08:00 PM
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Thank you so much for your words EnglishGarden. They brought me to tears (babies are all asleep). Your then 7 year old mirrored what my 6 year old is doing now and it breaks my heart. But I will do what is best for my babies no matter what my AH does or says. And yes my family is being very supportive and helpful. They aren't being as judgemental as I feared. They are just scared and worried and want me safe. I am so glad I finally had the courage to call them and let them back in to my life.
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