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so so sad

Old 03-18-2012, 10:52 PM
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so so sad

Earlier this week I posted about my ex boyfriend who was addicted to opiates. He finally went into rehab last december. We got back together shortly after that. Things were great for awhile and then the last few arguments we got into were obviously because of a history of shattered trust. I got really upset when I saw his old drug dealer calling his phone. My reactins weren't the greatest. His were definitely not great and I felt he should have taken different steps to make me feel secure he wasn't' using again.

We didn't talk to each other for the week. I called him today to just apologize for my reaction to the situation and I only spoke to him for a few minutes. He said he was really upset about our relationship and that he understood his drug use had been a huge part of the destruction of our relationship.

I did call him back later and he didn't answer. What just happened has me really upset. I know he is right but I just don't know how to let this go. He sent me a text saying he's really devastated and that just hearing my voice was shattering him. He couldn't bear to hear my voice because that just always ended up with us getting back together. This was not a conversation that should have happened via text. He went on to explain that he sees his drug history shattered any trust, that he felt he would never be able to make me happy, that my family would never accept him, that he feels I would always be shamed by him, and he can no longer live his life feeling this way. He feels if he just let me go and never speak to me again, it's because he loves me enough to let me go find someone who I can feel secure with and that will make me happy. He feels guilty for coming in and out of my daughter's life and that if he doesn't stop this he will continue to feel lost and shattered. He feels like I will never completely trust him, etc. This went on and on. He told me he's never been this afraid to let someone go in his life, he hasn't' slept for days, etc. He said he didn't want to see this end either but this is exactly the way it was going to happen and that he would no longer ever call me or email me. He asked me to block him from texting and calling. I had to respect his wishes and I did so.

I just feel lost! I feel like he hadn't relapsesd but I thought he did when I saw that phone number. I told him I would respect his wishes and just block him. So why do I feel so bad? He is right. The last year and a half has been pure hell. I feel like I over reacted to a call and he's right about that, but the truth is that I feel like if he were the one who needed to regain trust, he would see that. I read posts from people who did manage to work through all of this stuff. I had posted that I had accepted we couldn't be together the other day but I guess I still had a llittle bit of hope that things would be resolved.

i feel like complete hell right now. I feel like I gave this person the benefit of the doubt when everyone told me not to and I feel like I was just dumped on and this person had nothing in him to fight for us when I fought for us through the worse times. I understand that he needs to do this for himself to feel good and he told me he loved me and this was the hardest thing he's ever had to do but I just feel terrible. And it all happened in text messages because he couldn't talk to me. I just feel like that was such a cowardly way out.

I know this is probably for the best but it just doesn't feel like that right now. I feel like I fought like hell through the hard dark times to try and make something work between us and that was just all thrown in the garbage. I'm so lost and confused. I know that my head is telling me that he's right. He's made me feel terrible for so long and now that he's finally made it out of rehab, he doesn't feel like he should have to fight to prove anything to me or to fight for us or prove himself. I feel like I am someone who was going to remind him of the dark days and bring him further down so that was enough for him to end things. . . via text no less.

Please put some of this into perspective for me. I understand what he was saying......that he was always going to be seen as a failure to my family, a shame to me, etc. But if someone loved you enough and really wanted things to work, I feel the rest would have fallen into place. This really has me shaken up. I can't sleep and need to pull myself together. This forum has always put things into persepective for me.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:20 PM
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I had this similar thing happen before, more then once. Every time, later I discovered that he indeed was using again. That I went on this emotional roller coaster feeling guilty, sorry for everything and I was again being lied to and manipulated. This "I'll always feel like a failure to your family" is an invite for pity (sorry if harsh, but addicts always seem to want forgiveness right now, instantly)

Just don't put it past you.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:36 PM
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I figure you are going to get a ton of replies telling you that he is just trying to play you and make you feel guilty for breaking up with him due to the trust issues you had, but then you said you called him, not the other way around... so ?

Dont really think it matters; I remember your thread the other day and you really felt like you were not ever going to be able to trust him again even if he were off the drugs. Whats changed?

Also you said that you didnt like the way he treated you overall and that you desereved bettter. Whats changed?

This post sounds like your now saying your upset because he is not fighting for you? Why do you want him to?

And really think about it... your never going to be happy with him if you cannot trust him, and he wont be happy either. Who wants to be walking on eggshells all the time?

I say just leave it be. Do as he asked - dont contact him again, and block him just in case he tries to contact you.

Sometimes its just not meant to be. Other fishys in the sea.....
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:55 PM
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Nothing has changed. I know you're right. I'm just having a hard time letting him go. He was right about everything he said. I just think it's a cop out. Especially doing it via text. I think I wasn't trusting him becasue he didn't take the necessary steps to help me trust him. He even said he understood why I would be upset by those calls coming in but he can't' live with me not trusting him. . . even though he knew and told me and wrote it in a letter to me that he understood the trust issues and he would do everything he could to gain trust back. He watched me defend us to my family again. Then, because we get in a fight and I freak about a drug dealer calling him, he claims family stuff, trust issues, etc. He knew those things were there before and now I just feel this is a cop out.

I don't know why I feel that he should have fought for me. I guess it's because I feel like I kept fighting for him and for us. That doesn't guarantee someone will do the same for you.

I did as he asked. I blocked him.
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:08 AM
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I'm so sorry you feel this way, Madison. I just cannot share your viewpoint. I have too much experience with addicts.

I believe he is manipulating you in the most insidious and cunning manner.

He is inflating himself by all that I'm-just-too-sensitive-a guy con.

He is blame-shifting, but not overtly. He is blaming you passive-aggressively by setting you up as the woman-who-cannot-trust-him and therefore the destroyer of relationship and love. (This is such bull**** and it is CLASSIC addict-speak).

What I believe he is REALLY SAYING is "You mess up my high. I want you out of my way. I am going to save face by pretending to be hurt and lost and make you responsible for my misery. I am going to save face by pretending to let you go for your own good. I am so good at this con, you are going to think it is ALL YOUR FAULT. Just the way I want it."

By "last december", you do mean 3 months ago since rehab?

And his old drug dealer is ringing him up lately?

He is such a magician.

My guess is he's out there doing his drug thing while you are curled in a fetal position in pain.

It's my guess because I have seen it happen so many times.

You have a daughter who needs you, Madison. She needs you. You are not present to her when you are obsessed with this man.

Please sit with a pen and paper and make your priority list. Write down your rock-solid values.

You and your daughter are a PACKAGE DEAL, Madison.

God forbid this man be given any responsibility for that package.

I'm sorry for my strong tone, if it stings. I feel protective toward you.

But only you can decide what you deserve from any man you allow into the precious and sacred private world of your child and you.

My advice is to straighten your shoulders and raise your standards.
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:09 AM
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He sounds extremely selfish to me, like he is lying when he says he is doing this for you. I think he is doing this for himself, because he doesnít want to go through the trouble of re-building trust or he is still using.

To make you feel like nothing but a reminder of dark times is horrible. Itís like saying ďIím sorry I made our familyís life a living hell, but let me just go on my way. I donít want to be bothered with reminders of what I did.Ē -All under the premise of ďloveĒ How bogus. When I wrong someone, and I care about them, you better believe I will jump through the hoops to earn trust again.

You said,
ďI feel like I over reacted to a call and he's right about that, but the truth is that I feel like if he were the one who needed to regain trust, he would see that.Ē
You didnít overreact, do not blame yourself, and he should see this. I remember your post about that.

Yet again, he made you feel worthless, and like it is your fault.

Hugs you, I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. I know you will come put of this on top, but it hurts right now
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:18 AM
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Thanks everyone. You are not being too hard on me. This is what I need to hear right now. I'm now angry at myself that I actually stooped down to tell him to please not let go and give up hope. That's so disgusting. I'm angry at myself too. But I guess I'm glad I did have that contact with him because now I know where he stands and where he is. Other times we've broken up it's been out of anger and drug issues. I at least wanted to have a conversation with someone I've shared this much time with. I couldn't even get that. I got text messages!
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:22 AM
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He's probably high and doesn't want you to hear his voice.
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:22 AM
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Yes, this past December 2011 EnglishGarden. Yes, the drug dealer called his phone twice last saturday night. Sunday we were at my house and I saw him calling again and I answered it and said talk to him. His excuse was that he was so angry that he would beat this person up if he saw him again and that I had no right to expect him to talk to this person who was part of his old using days. His reaction was not good in my book. He even admitted to that tonight and said he understood I would get upset by that and knows why but his biggest issue is "you'll never trust me, your family will always hate me, i cant live my life in this shame", etc.

God I can't believe I allowed myself to stoop to the level I did today.
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:25 AM
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Im sorry Madison. I know it must be really difficult.

Its probably best that he did do it in a text; didnt he say that when you talk on the phone; it can lead to an emotional response by both of you - causing the desire to try reconciliation again.

I think that is one of the biggest traps that a person can fall into when staying in a relationship with someone who has these types of issues is that it can be very east to give, give, give... at first freely, then later on expecting some acknowldegment (or payback) for our efforts. And IF it doesnt come - then we can be left feeling very disappointed and sometimes angry.

I couldnt stay with my BF if I didnt trust him. I do watch his actions as far as his dedication to 'no more drugs' goes... and I see it clearly. But to be honest... and most will say it is blindly stupid... I just have faith in him, and I trust him. I may get hurt more than someone who has lots of walls of defense up but it is just my way. (disclaimer ~ not recommending this to anyone.. its just my way - lol)

Big Hug - so sorry you have to go through this
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:31 AM
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Madison, I once chased my BF (not the one I have now) down the street crying and begging him to stay with me, even though I knew what a jerk he was. How dignified!......and you think you stooped.!
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:17 AM
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So I barely got any sleep. Maybe a few hours and need to pull myself together. I have to work all day long and take care of my daughter. I hear what you're all saying. I had deleted that entire text thread because I didn't want to read it again. I do remember a few things he said which now really are making me angry and messing with my head. "you asking me about that call from the old dealer made me believe we cannot be together and you'll never trust me and you're accusing me of doing drugs!"

Is this major manipulation?

Your old drug dealer called three times in a 24 hour period and of course I'm going to think the worse. I don't understand. We were getting along perfectly before this last call came in. He snapped and got in my face and started yelling at me and telling me I'm a brat, an as--hole, etc. Why do I feel such misery right now that he's gone? He's only been clean for a few months. Of course I'm going to think that something may be up? Wouldn't anyone?

I guess now after getting all those texts I just realize that he didn't really love me. I am thinking that's the part of all this that's the hardest to swallow. Like you all said, if I did love someone enough, I would do everything in my power to regain that trust. Also, what I'm struggling with is that I know alot of what he's saying is true.........that I dont trust him, that we have been in a broken relationship for a long time, that my family will not want him around, etc. But all those things were there a few months ago when he got out of rehab, begged for my forgiveness and told me he knew he had to work to regain trust, etc and would take all the steps to do that without getting angry at me and such. He couldn't follow through on that.

I have to remind myself of what really happened the last two arguments we got into:

1. last one - drug dealer calling repeatedly, even though he told me he blocked certain people from calling/texting his phone. If this dealers texts were blocked and other peoples calls/texts were blocked, why was this person left to be free to call? If I were going to stop all of my old drug friends from calling me, this is what a person would have done.

2. fight before that - he had told me post rehab that he would never continue to wipe ot text and call histories because he understood he needed to regain trust. I know what you've all said and I agree that this point is silly. He could continue to delete certain texts and all call histories without me knowing and I didn't want to live my life having to look. But , just to check this out, several weeks later I did look at this phone and he had wiped everything out after us not being together for a few days. I called him and asked him in a real gentle way without getting angry why this happened and it was starting to make me feel upset and he SNAPPED that time too. Told me this isn't how he was going to live, that he took out his SD card on his phone (later for me to find out this was a lie.........your SD card doesn't wipe out call and text histories when you take it out.)

After we talk several days later because I call him to communicate, he tells me the reason was because his sponsor had called and texted, his sponsor fell off the wagon, borrowed money from him, there were arguments in there that he didn't want to have to look at again, etc. I bought it. Again, I swallowed my pride and knew it didn't make much sense to me but I believed he wasn't using so I understood. The thing he said then and the thing that he said again last night is that he doesn't feel safe sharing anything with me, just as much as I don't trust him.

So again, I feel like "what did I do to not make you feel safe around me?" I dont' get it. If anything the fights we do get into is becuase I feel like he's NOT being honest and open with me. I don't think that I did do something to make him feel he couldn't share. I mean even as I'm typing this, I can slowly see how much crap that story was about the SD card. Why delete text threads and call histories becasue you don't want to see someone's name in your phone when you promised you wouldn't do that to rebuild my trust? Why would you not have blocked your old drug dealer from calling you if you wanted to never hear from him again?

Is this really me asking too much? I know it's not. Posting here is helping me. I tried to call my sister really late last night and she saw call later and just texted to see what was wrong. When I sent her the slew of texts telling her I just needed to talk because of the things that happened with my ex, she didn't respond. I think my family is so incredibly sick of hearing about this stuff and they are so worried about me that I can't talk to them.
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:40 AM
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:40 AM
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Hi Madison-I'm so sorry you are going through this too....when reading your post tonight, it was like I was reading my own story. The lies, the passive aggresive behavior, the manipulation (Yes! he is manipulating you!) the blame shifiting etc etc etc...my exabf did all of that too! I too walk around thinking WTH happened a few weeks ago? Its soo much insanity that your mind becomes jumbled and you start questioning your own sanity. But you know what? You know something isn't right. He was lying to you during the times he would become defensive when you asked him questions. You are not insane, you don't lie and play mind games.

I still sit hear trying to figure things out right before the break up. A few weeks before we broke up my ex was telling me how he was more in love with me now than he has ever been. How he wanted to still move out of this city so we could make a new start together. He told me I was the only one that truly cared for him and he was very lucky and blessed to have me....and then it started to all collapse once again. The night he came over to watch movies and spend time with me he passed out on the couch, although this was not like the other times. He was drooling and his breathing was irregular. I just got upset and went to bed as I thought he was stoned from smoking weed. The next morning at 6am he was still in the same position on my couch still with his shoes and coat on. It kind of scared me. Later that morning he told me he took just one muscle relaxer to calm himself down.

I still don't understand myself, and like you Madison, I keep asking myself what happened to all the promises? Why all the lies? Why am I the reason he is now done with me, when I actually told him I cannot do this anymore. He just texted me the other day how I was a "f'ing cold blooded bi*ch."

I agree with what everyone above has said. They make NO sense, they are caught up in their own disease, not only that but also having a personality disorder is making them seem even more insane.

Hang in there! I know how difficult it can be...we can get through this **hugs**
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:59 AM
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Thanks to all of you for your replies. I know this will get easier but right now I feel pain, shame, guilt, etc. I know it's not healthy. I feel just abandoned. I was in therapy for awhile before he went to rehab. Because of my work situation, it was becoming increasingly difficult to continue to find time to leave and go. This therapist was really good and had me looking at the reasons I would have stayed in something that was making me feel so bad. She actually called me a few times after I canceled my last appointment to find out why I didn't go. Last week I received a letter from her stating she felt we were making progress and that she would have liked to continue. That comp;letely shocked me that I would receive a personal letter from her.
I called her this morning to set up an appointment asap. If she can get me in today or tomorrow morning I will go.

This is just too much for me to handle right now alone. I feel guilty for not being present to my beautiful 3 year old daughter and I feel like she can sense my unhappiness. That is not fair to her. I have to remember that this person who just threw me in the trash lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he threw it in the toilet. It's not my loss it is his. I have to wake up and believe I deserve better than this but also understand why I made these choices. I put myself in this position over and over again.
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:23 AM
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(((((madison)))))

You are dealing with an addict. He is doing what addicts do. There are some 'stickys' on the first page of this forum. One of them is "what addicts do". The first post in it was written by the fellow who started this site, and ater sod it. He wrote the following I believe in '04 and it is still true today:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon
Please take care of YOU and your BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:32 AM
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I have read this. What's hard about all this now is that I don't know for sure he is using. I know you will all say it doesn't matter, because his treatment of me is bad. I know that deep down too.


Another thing that I didnít state is that I had a chilling conversation with his ex wife when all the crazy making started one year ago April. I canít believe a year of my life has passed with this madness. This is when he was pretty messed up on tons of vicodin (I had no idea at this point that he was addicted to vicodinÖ.up to 30 per day). He called me one day out of the blue and told me that his ex wife showed up to his work and assaulted him . I mean this literally came out of nowhere! We were not arguing, not having any chaos, nothing. This story went into a great deal of detail, including what she looked like, what she said, etc. Fast forward a month into when I started to really become aware how bad his addiction was, I called his ex wife one day. I canít believe I did but I donít regret it. She talked to me for a few days. The chilling thing was that she was shocked when I told her this story because she had not stepped foot into the state of Michigan since their divorce several years ago. She also tried to tell me some things to warn me but I could tell she was holding back. Many of the stories he told me about her were so untrue. She cheated on him, she used him, etc. None of it was true. She told me that she loved him more than anything and just couldnít take it anymore. He was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to her as well. She said he would leave and she had no clue where he was, he said really nasty things to her, basically treated her the same way he treated me. He also told me this huge story about how he left her, she went to work one day and when she came home the locks had been changed and he gave her money and a key to the storage unit where her things were. Well, actually when I found out the truth, he came home one day and all her stuff was gone. She left. She couldnít take it anymore and she had hoped he would come running after her but that never happened.

The thing is that was our first major break up. We did not speak for awhile. When I asked him why he did this, the answer is that he was trying to make me jealous and his mind was obviously not thinking clearly while taking vicodin (at this point I had NO CLUE how much he was really taking.) His life was spiraling out of control during this time. He was gambling, lying about where he was going, hiding things about his addictions, his past, just everything. I walked away. Fast forward several months of getting back together and me realizing he was still using until he hit his rock bottom and ended up in rehab in December. I was dumb enough to think that this was a problem with drugs. I really did. I know this just canít be drugs. Drugs or not, who makes up such detailed lies? It canít be drugs. Itís crazy. Then when he got out of rehab, he told me the truth about everything, about how terrible he treated his ex wife, how in the end he cheated on her (she didnít know this), how he loved her terribly and just treated her like crap. The thing I feel bad for is that in the end, when we did get into a few arguments, I threw this stuff in his face. I told him he was doing the same things to me he did to his ex wife. His response is that he loved his ex wife (really?) and I knew nothing about marriage and how dare I say anything about him and this is why he feels itís unsafe to tell me anything, etc. Why all of this to get to the truth?

Looking back, I know this should have been the end for me. How did I stay after finding out such crazy lies that entailed a great deal of detail. This cannot just be addiction. This stuff is just insanity. And I stayed. I told myself itís just the drugs that have hijacked his brain. I think he just felt like such crap about himself that he couldnít face his own reality. But he repeated this with me. I love you more than anything but I canít be with you so Iím running away. His ex wife tried to warn me. I wish I would have listened.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:27 AM
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Madison, it sounds like you are in the throes of separation trauma, I hope that you are able to get an appointment with your therapist and am so happy that you already have someone who has been working with you.

Every chance you get just take a deep breath and focus on the moment you are in. Many spiritual practices remind us to stay PRESENT. Hold yourself, take showers/baths, go for a walk...even if it's just around the block. Seriously, you need to start bringing your focus on to your peace of mind...even if only for glimmers at a time.

When we are in these horrible situations we need to do the work of sorting out what is ours. When we have been twisted into the distortion of being in relationship with addiction and mental illness we become distorted ourselves...and it takes some time to gently and lovingly detangle. This is not about blame. Pushing the sickness back and forth just volleys the issues. IMHO it is best to just start trying to focus your mind and heart on goodness and well being. It is simply maddening to rehash all the details, and to put it simply, it is a waste of time. Though every story like this has its different details the outcome is the same, you have spent this part of your life in relationship with deceit, lies and manipulation.

And yes, some of it has probably been yours. LOVE, the chemical reaction of it, the dopamine of love, is one of the strongest drugs there is (I think it's what all others imitate )and once we have found a supply it is really hard to let go of!!! Especially if we have any semblance of "normalcy" (even with issues from childhood and such) we just cannot understand the dark side of love, it doesn't make sense (it never will!!) and we just keep digging the hole, getting more entangled, trying to wrestle with what we don't want to keep what we want.

start forgiving yourself for this totally understandable part of your life, it has been a major lesson for you and you will learn A LOT from it...and you will have as a gift this profound wisdom to pass on to your daughter. it is okay for children to witness grief, let her know that you are sad and you will get better (yes???)

the cause is lost. breathe, let go, love yourself, tenderness, own your courage and your strength, own your love and your hope. have faith and trust in your ability to move forward in life...

it keeps getting better
I realized this morning I am a month out...and I am having kind of peaceful little breakthroughs
most of my family doesn't want to hear it either
when was the last time you focused on anything about their life? have you been using them as an emotional dumping ground? crisis/pain/awfulizing...that's what we do in the throes of all this
use SR, use your therapist, get to a meeting!? (lot's of al anon with childcare!)
and put a smile on, eventually it comes naturally
peace, love and prayers to you
leslie
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:33 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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He's repeating the pattern all over again, this time with you. So he loved his ex-wife and that's how he treated her? That is not "love". IMO.
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:59 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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I did get an appointment with my therapist tomorrow first thing in the morning. I think that will help. I also just talked to my mom and a friend because I had to step away from my desk for a little while. Iíll keep you all posted. I know what you are all saying to me is true, that time will heal this. I just need to pull my head out of my a-s and realize that I am not wrong here and I canít let this person manipulate me and my thoughts. I just feel used to top it off. This person was at his rock bottom and I stayed with him to see him through even though we had to go no contact while he had to clean it up. I feel like he used me to feel good about himself through addiction, used me to feel good post rehab (when he idealized me) and then threw me away when he felt it was too much work for him.

I thank you all for your posts. I have been reading them all day.
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