so so sad
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
if he ever finds recovery this behavior will be his amends to make...
this behavior is not yours to own or dwell on
you do not need to tell yourself you are stupid or get your head out of posterior (unless for some reason that helps...
) no one here is judging you!! we have all been there, are there or, are heading back there... one more time...
as was said on another post...the heart is vulnerable and powerful and needs the assistance of the "group" (the head and gut) sometimes other people need to help act as your head and gut
the heart is powerful! it is also beautiful...don't let your heart go in the trash...that is YOUR doing...take it back!! own it for the beautiful powerful heart that it is. he used it wrongly (that's what addicts do) and your heart in all of it's power and vulnerability stayed open to it...now take it back
it is a MAJOR muscle and it is strong...it will be totally fine
take it back
as of today, right NOW...it is NOT being used and it is NOT in the trash.
XO
this behavior is not yours to own or dwell on
you do not need to tell yourself you are stupid or get your head out of posterior (unless for some reason that helps...
) no one here is judging you!! we have all been there, are there or, are heading back there... one more time...as was said on another post...the heart is vulnerable and powerful and needs the assistance of the "group" (the head and gut) sometimes other people need to help act as your head and gut
the heart is powerful! it is also beautiful...don't let your heart go in the trash...that is YOUR doing...take it back!! own it for the beautiful powerful heart that it is. he used it wrongly (that's what addicts do) and your heart in all of it's power and vulnerability stayed open to it...now take it back
it is a MAJOR muscle and it is strong...it will be totally fine
take it back
as of today, right NOW...it is NOT being used and it is NOT in the trash.
XO
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Madison,
I didn't see your earlier posts so forgive me if I miss some points. First of all, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how difficult it is because I have gone through a similar situation. I know that you will figure the right thing to do for you and your daughter and I think that you are smart to keep posting here - and please keep doing it all that you need. This really is a "trauma" and it is painful to go through. Sometimes my pain was so great due to separations that I went back into the relationship. And EACH time I ended up with regrets.
It sounds like your ABF is projecting his own stuff....maybe the reason he doesn't feel that you or your family will trust him is because he really doesn't trust himself to "do the deal". It sounds like he is blaming others for his own choices....and setting up an "out" for his continued desire to do whatever he wants.
All I can really do is share my own experiences. I became involved with an active crack abuser in 2004. He finally got sober in August 2005. He moved in with me and my 2 sons. Yes....he stayed sober until this past summer but he made my life and my son's lives a living hell. I reread old journals and I am heart sick that I didn't have the strength to make it through the pain 7 years ago.....I stayed with him and went through tons of cr%p and emotional pain. It all severely affected my sons....I just wasn't as emotionally available for them as they deserved. My focus was on my relationship. Long story short, I left him in May. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I've never understood addiction as well as I do now because I had a period of time of really white knuckling it through the separation pain. I really was detoxing from the relationship. I had anadonia (the world appeared gray/bleak without my "drug" - him) and really struggled. But....the passage of time has helped me so much. Now, when I look back I have major regrets for what I stuck around for and exposed my children to. I wish that I had understood that by staying in the relationship I was teaching my children how to be an abuser or to tolerate/live with an abuser.
Yes....it takes time to work through the grief and the pain. I realize that what I was really grieving was my beliefs/dreams of how things could be between us. The "us against the world" period was so intoxicating that I kept remembering that even when things became difficult. I kept hoping that somehow things would be better.
Now I feel like I have escaped from some sort of bizarre prison camp of emotional pain. I know everyone is different but I just wish that I had done things differently. All I did by staying was prolong the pain. I wish that I had stuck it out and gotten it over with 7 years ago. It took a long time though for me to like myself enough though to believe that I deserved better.
We're here for you - and there are many of us that know how difficult this war between the head and heart are....
I didn't see your earlier posts so forgive me if I miss some points. First of all, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how difficult it is because I have gone through a similar situation. I know that you will figure the right thing to do for you and your daughter and I think that you are smart to keep posting here - and please keep doing it all that you need. This really is a "trauma" and it is painful to go through. Sometimes my pain was so great due to separations that I went back into the relationship. And EACH time I ended up with regrets.
It sounds like your ABF is projecting his own stuff....maybe the reason he doesn't feel that you or your family will trust him is because he really doesn't trust himself to "do the deal". It sounds like he is blaming others for his own choices....and setting up an "out" for his continued desire to do whatever he wants.
All I can really do is share my own experiences. I became involved with an active crack abuser in 2004. He finally got sober in August 2005. He moved in with me and my 2 sons. Yes....he stayed sober until this past summer but he made my life and my son's lives a living hell. I reread old journals and I am heart sick that I didn't have the strength to make it through the pain 7 years ago.....I stayed with him and went through tons of cr%p and emotional pain. It all severely affected my sons....I just wasn't as emotionally available for them as they deserved. My focus was on my relationship. Long story short, I left him in May. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I've never understood addiction as well as I do now because I had a period of time of really white knuckling it through the separation pain. I really was detoxing from the relationship. I had anadonia (the world appeared gray/bleak without my "drug" - him) and really struggled. But....the passage of time has helped me so much. Now, when I look back I have major regrets for what I stuck around for and exposed my children to. I wish that I had understood that by staying in the relationship I was teaching my children how to be an abuser or to tolerate/live with an abuser.
Yes....it takes time to work through the grief and the pain. I realize that what I was really grieving was my beliefs/dreams of how things could be between us. The "us against the world" period was so intoxicating that I kept remembering that even when things became difficult. I kept hoping that somehow things would be better.
Now I feel like I have escaped from some sort of bizarre prison camp of emotional pain. I know everyone is different but I just wish that I had done things differently. All I did by staying was prolong the pain. I wish that I had stuck it out and gotten it over with 7 years ago. It took a long time though for me to like myself enough though to believe that I deserved better.
We're here for you - and there are many of us that know how difficult this war between the head and heart are....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Thank you everyone. I do feel a better than this morning, not great, but better. This forum helps. Funny thing is that I spoke to my sister, a few friends and my mom. They all independently of each other said the same thing that englishgarden did.....he is manipulating me. They all used the same word. Part of me now is just angry instead of sad. I am angry with myself too for validating his poor behavior and having me fall into the trap of "no, I don't want to lose you, let you go, if two people love each other they work it out, etc" That makes me want to vomit. A huge part of me wanted to send an email to his (trust me, I'm NOT) and just rip into him and explain that I see what a piece of crap he is and what a master manipulator he is and that I will forever think the worse things of him. But I won't. It's just my anger and this too shall pass.
It helps me to see that you have gone through this for so many years. Not that I'm happy that you have but I see that you've endured things that I have for a year and a half for so much longer. I think I know deep down it would always be bad. It always has been so why would it be any different. He's just a coward. He had to hide behind text messages because he's not man enough to face what he has done and have a conversation. Emotionally unavailable. that's what he's always been, whether he's been on or off drugs.
I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. I am so happy she was able to get me in so quickly.
It helps me to see that you have gone through this for so many years. Not that I'm happy that you have but I see that you've endured things that I have for a year and a half for so much longer. I think I know deep down it would always be bad. It always has been so why would it be any different. He's just a coward. He had to hide behind text messages because he's not man enough to face what he has done and have a conversation. Emotionally unavailable. that's what he's always been, whether he's been on or off drugs.
I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. I am so happy she was able to get me in so quickly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Glad you're better. I so agree with English Garden. Check priorities. Your daughter needs you. You don't need him to mess that up. Living well is the best get-even-act. Live life fully and happily as it is and be thankful you wised-up before the relationship went even deeper. The effect that could have on your daughter is not worth the risk of being with him. You sound like you are really thinking and doing the right thing. Congratulations! I know you are going to be just fine! There is a bright future for you! ((Hug))
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
so why cant you just call it off with the guy because its in yours and your daughters best interest...
sorry, but MY KIDS come first...and them being healthy,not seeing all this toxic and dysfuction crap...I stand for MY KIDS! (and they will stand for their MA!)
sorry, but MY KIDS come first...and them being healthy,not seeing all this toxic and dysfuction crap...I stand for MY KIDS! (and they will stand for their MA!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Just wanted to say I am glad you are feeling better, and had a chance to talk to your sis.
You are doing well for yourself by reaching out to your family, us, and your therapist and it seems like you are on that path of being the example for your daughter that you want to be.
Keep up the good work
hugs
You are doing well for yourself by reaching out to your family, us, and your therapist and it seems like you are on that path of being the example for your daughter that you want to be.
Keep up the good work
hugs
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