Feeling Safe - Language of Letting Go
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Feeling Safe - Language of Letting Go
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Safety
One of the long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family - as children or adults - is that we don't feel safe.
Much of what we call codependency happens because we don't feel safe in relationships. This can cause us to control, obsess, or focus on the other person, while neglecting ourselves or shutting down our feelings.
We can learn to make ourselves feel safe and comfortable, as part of a nurturing, loving attitude toward ourselves.
Often, we get a feeling of safety and comfort when we attend Twelve Step meetings or support groups. Being with a friend or doing something nice for ourselves helps us feel protected and loved. Sometimes, reaching out to another person helps us feel safe. Prayer and meditation help us affirm that our Higher Power cares for us.
We are safe now. We can relax. Perhaps others haven't been there for us in a consistent, trustworthy way, but we are learning to be there for ourselves.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and comfortable.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Safety
One of the long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family - as children or adults - is that we don't feel safe.
Much of what we call codependency happens because we don't feel safe in relationships. This can cause us to control, obsess, or focus on the other person, while neglecting ourselves or shutting down our feelings.
We can learn to make ourselves feel safe and comfortable, as part of a nurturing, loving attitude toward ourselves.
Often, we get a feeling of safety and comfort when we attend Twelve Step meetings or support groups. Being with a friend or doing something nice for ourselves helps us feel protected and loved. Sometimes, reaching out to another person helps us feel safe. Prayer and meditation help us affirm that our Higher Power cares for us.
We are safe now. We can relax. Perhaps others haven't been there for us in a consistent, trustworthy way, but we are learning to be there for ourselves.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and comfortable.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This reading today helped me understand one of the reasons I was so off balance before recovery and in my early days. My home is my safe place, it's the place I can come to for peace and quiet and to sort my thoughts and think quietly about my life. Letting my son move home, even when he was clean because experience taught me that it rarely lasted and the arrangement would end in chaos, was a bad decision on my part...because it required me to give up my safe place.
I suffered anxiety attacks, so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. I turned into this zombie person who could put on a happy healthy "facade" for my business and friends, but who was a terrified, neurotic mess inside and a person who awoke each morning filled with fear.
Many years have passed, I no longer have to turn my home into a fortress that cannot be invaded. Today I my home is filled with wonderful art, paintings of the area by local artists...and I don't have to worry about it being stolen. I have my "treasures" some a little more valuable like jewelry that was given to me on a special occasion and some that have little monetary value but that mean the world to me...and I don't have to worry about them disappearing.
I no longer have night terrors and insomnia, waking up screaming, because today I give it all to God to take care of and trust that I am safe now...mostly from myself and my fears.
It's good to feel safe, it took time and a lot of work but was worth every day of effort.
In the old days I bought alarm systems. Today I am going out to buy a couple of bird feeders because I live where there are so many lovely birds and I love to sit by my window and watch them, especially when the babies of spring arrive. I shall hang them by my patio, and invite my neighbours to come sit for a coffee and watch too. I shall rise early in the morning and watch the sun rise over the lake and listen as the birds slowly awaken...first one song, then two, then a chorus of birdsong just outside my window.
It's good to feel safe. It's healthy too. I am grateful for my recovery, my meetings, SR and all those who have walked with me while I found serenity again and let go of my fears. Love you all.
I suffered anxiety attacks, so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. I turned into this zombie person who could put on a happy healthy "facade" for my business and friends, but who was a terrified, neurotic mess inside and a person who awoke each morning filled with fear.
Many years have passed, I no longer have to turn my home into a fortress that cannot be invaded. Today I my home is filled with wonderful art, paintings of the area by local artists...and I don't have to worry about it being stolen. I have my "treasures" some a little more valuable like jewelry that was given to me on a special occasion and some that have little monetary value but that mean the world to me...and I don't have to worry about them disappearing.
I no longer have night terrors and insomnia, waking up screaming, because today I give it all to God to take care of and trust that I am safe now...mostly from myself and my fears.
It's good to feel safe, it took time and a lot of work but was worth every day of effort.
In the old days I bought alarm systems. Today I am going out to buy a couple of bird feeders because I live where there are so many lovely birds and I love to sit by my window and watch them, especially when the babies of spring arrive. I shall hang them by my patio, and invite my neighbours to come sit for a coffee and watch too. I shall rise early in the morning and watch the sun rise over the lake and listen as the birds slowly awaken...first one song, then two, then a chorus of birdsong just outside my window.
It's good to feel safe. It's healthy too. I am grateful for my recovery, my meetings, SR and all those who have walked with me while I found serenity again and let go of my fears. Love you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Ann,
thank you for sharing this reading AND your thoughts/experiences. Earlier, I was reflecting on the idea of safety so this post is perfect. I've realized that throughout my adult life that my initial gut feelings have always been on track.....only I have consistantly talked myself out of them....thus, placing myself in unsafe situations (particularly emotionally). I know that I've gravitated to the familiar which was the "unsafe" and all of my anxiety/panic was related to my gut feelings striving to tell me what they knew.
So.....now I am working to create a light-filled and "safe" feeling home....full of art and music. Each of us deserves a haven.....
Thanks again!
thank you for sharing this reading AND your thoughts/experiences. Earlier, I was reflecting on the idea of safety so this post is perfect. I've realized that throughout my adult life that my initial gut feelings have always been on track.....only I have consistantly talked myself out of them....thus, placing myself in unsafe situations (particularly emotionally). I know that I've gravitated to the familiar which was the "unsafe" and all of my anxiety/panic was related to my gut feelings striving to tell me what they knew.
So.....now I am working to create a light-filled and "safe" feeling home....full of art and music. Each of us deserves a haven.....
Thanks again!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Ann --
I go out every morning and throw peanuts out for the squirrels and birds in my little patch of woods. I've been doing this now for about a year and it's so funny... when I walk outside my door and stand on the porch the squirrels start running down from the treetops and even the bluejays and cardinals start appearing out of nowhere. They know me now! The cardinals are my favorites, though.... the male & female always travel together and are just so beautiful. I've even seen the male feed the female -- how sweet! The squirrels are just plain hilarious to watch.
When you buy the birdseed be sure to buy the 40# economy size! Once the birds find it you won't believe how quickly they go through the seed!
I go out every morning and throw peanuts out for the squirrels and birds in my little patch of woods. I've been doing this now for about a year and it's so funny... when I walk outside my door and stand on the porch the squirrels start running down from the treetops and even the bluejays and cardinals start appearing out of nowhere. They know me now! The cardinals are my favorites, though.... the male & female always travel together and are just so beautiful. I've even seen the male feed the female -- how sweet! The squirrels are just plain hilarious to watch.
When you buy the birdseed be sure to buy the 40# economy size! Once the birds find it you won't believe how quickly they go through the seed!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by lightseeker 
So.....now I am working to create a light-filled and "safe" feeling home....full of art and music. Each of us deserves a haven.....
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Originally Posted by Chino
The thought suddenly came to me that the pot of gold is our home. I immediately realized I was able to feel that way, because addiction doesn't live here any more.
And TJP, I know exactly what you are saying, I used to throw out some peanuts (unsalted and in the shell) and immediately attracted every cardinal, blue jay and squirrel in town. I have a picture of about 20 blue jays, parents and kids, all joining in for a peanut-fest...unfortunately, it's on an old computer that I need to download on a CD. There is one pair of squirrels, that I named Earl and Shirl, who still hang out here, and I will still toss them a couple of raw almonds when I see them.
I have now gone to the bird feeder because it doesn't make the mess that peanut shells do
I bought one small one, will see how that works, then splurge on a second in a week or so.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thank you! The ACOA affirmation had a similar message today:
ACOA Affirmation, March 18
I am destined to experience happiness and joy.
I was created to be happy. I will turn off all the critical voices that tell me otherwise. I deserve happiness. Nothing harmful will happen to me if I am happy, and I will organize my life so that I can make happiness possible. I will not live by the double standardard of my professing to desire happiness and undermining my happiness by my actions.
Martyrdom and self sacrifice have no place in my life. I do not have to recreate the life story of my alcoholic home. In love relationships, I will not choose a partner in suffering. I am not looking for a person who will reject me, let me down or abandon me.
I am a person who is destined to be happy. I am attracted to partners with whom I can clearly experience happiness and joy.
ACOA Affirmation, March 18
I am destined to experience happiness and joy.
I was created to be happy. I will turn off all the critical voices that tell me otherwise. I deserve happiness. Nothing harmful will happen to me if I am happy, and I will organize my life so that I can make happiness possible. I will not live by the double standardard of my professing to desire happiness and undermining my happiness by my actions.
Martyrdom and self sacrifice have no place in my life. I do not have to recreate the life story of my alcoholic home. In love relationships, I will not choose a partner in suffering. I am not looking for a person who will reject me, let me down or abandon me.
I am a person who is destined to be happy. I am attracted to partners with whom I can clearly experience happiness and joy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
These two messages are similar (Language of Letting Go and ACOA affirmation). They are both about the fact that we can create our own life and home the in a happy way. Just because we may have had chaos in the past, does not mean that we always have to live like that. Our home can be a safe place of peace. Our life can be good. It is a good reminder to me that I don't have to be a martyr or suffer.
My home is a good place now. I grew up in chaos with my addicted mother. Home was a place of insanity. I have had times with addicted step daughter where we had to now allow her to stay in the house and cause chaos--stealing things, drama with friends, etc. I also had a time where the home was filled with RABF's drama--him being moody from withdrawel of drugs, etc. I put my foot down that comfort at home was very important. It is a good thing and my life is better.
My home is a good place now. I grew up in chaos with my addicted mother. Home was a place of insanity. I have had times with addicted step daughter where we had to now allow her to stay in the house and cause chaos--stealing things, drama with friends, etc. I also had a time where the home was filled with RABF's drama--him being moody from withdrawel of drugs, etc. I put my foot down that comfort at home was very important. It is a good thing and my life is better.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I was created to be happy. I will turn off all the critical voices that tell me otherwise.
Thanks Bluebelle, I like that reading.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Ohhhh! This all sounds so nice and peaceful.
Ann, save me a spot to watch the sunrise and feed the squirrels.
The period of time when my AS had him camper in my backyard was a period of extreme tension, worry, and fear. I will never go back to that. A couple of months ago when my AS found his way to our home to warn us that somebody was trying to harm me, it was horrible. When my hubby and AS argued and son left, I was actually hiding in the storage closet. My hubby came over and said, "Now come out and LIVE."
Our home is peaceful again. We love the little critters that come up in our yard, which is the only one not fenced in the neighborhood so they can have free access. Nothing makes me smile like a little animal does. Just touches my heart. Got to get some more birdseed.
Summer has come early in the South! The azaleas, dogwoods, and wisteria are beautiful!
Sounds like time for a walk in the woods to me!
Thanks for these beautiful reminders!
Ann, save me a spot to watch the sunrise and feed the squirrels.
The period of time when my AS had him camper in my backyard was a period of extreme tension, worry, and fear. I will never go back to that. A couple of months ago when my AS found his way to our home to warn us that somebody was trying to harm me, it was horrible. When my hubby and AS argued and son left, I was actually hiding in the storage closet. My hubby came over and said, "Now come out and LIVE."
Our home is peaceful again. We love the little critters that come up in our yard, which is the only one not fenced in the neighborhood so they can have free access. Nothing makes me smile like a little animal does. Just touches my heart. Got to get some more birdseed.
Summer has come early in the South! The azaleas, dogwoods, and wisteria are beautiful!
Sounds like time for a walk in the woods to me!
Thanks for these beautiful reminders!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
I have read this several times because it is so close to what my life is now and what I want for the future. Its almost as if you looked into my head and heart and knew what I was feeling. I still get panick attacks and hope they will fade in time. Thank you for your wonderful words and hope.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Bumping for Anaya.
It's a year later and my new spring birds are a my feeder as I post this. Life is good, it can be as long as I stay out of God's way.
Happy reading, Happy Spring.
Hugs
It's a year later and my new spring birds are a my feeder as I post this. Life is good, it can be as long as I stay out of God's way.
Happy reading, Happy Spring.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
And for me, too, though just by happenstance. I need to think about peace in my home, and safety. Thank you.
It is rainy and cold here in the northern US and I long for the budding trees and nest-building birds to return. I did see two Canadian geese milling around the lake yesterday, considering where they might nest...Spring will arrive eventually!
It is rainy and cold here in the northern US and I long for the budding trees and nest-building birds to return. I did see two Canadian geese milling around the lake yesterday, considering where they might nest...Spring will arrive eventually!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I've found that focusing on things that I like and appreciate about my surroundings helps me feel safe too.
For most of my life I didn't feel safe in general. And one day I realized that I tended to focus only on what looked wrong, what was not right, etc...so I could guard myself against it and be "prepared".
But then it occurred to me, if I'm surrounded by things that are not right, then no wonder I don't feel safe!
So I started to refocus my attention on what is good and right and okay and lovely...
And when I did that intentionally, I noticed I was better able to feel at ease.
I like my home. I like my yoga pants. I love those plants. It's nice and quiet. My toenails are painted. The carpet is vacuumed. I have food in the fridge. The sun is shining. I like the color green. My pictures make me happy.
Safety is now a huge priority for me and it's nice to see that there are lots of things I can do to give myself that feeling and sense of security.
(Controlling things is not on the list anymore - so if I catch myself trying to do that, I do my best to stop and turn it over to God instead and be grateful for my awareness.)
For most of my life I didn't feel safe in general. And one day I realized that I tended to focus only on what looked wrong, what was not right, etc...so I could guard myself against it and be "prepared".
But then it occurred to me, if I'm surrounded by things that are not right, then no wonder I don't feel safe!
So I started to refocus my attention on what is good and right and okay and lovely...
And when I did that intentionally, I noticed I was better able to feel at ease.
I like my home. I like my yoga pants. I love those plants. It's nice and quiet. My toenails are painted. The carpet is vacuumed. I have food in the fridge. The sun is shining. I like the color green. My pictures make me happy.
Safety is now a huge priority for me and it's nice to see that there are lots of things I can do to give myself that feeling and sense of security.
(Controlling things is not on the list anymore - so if I catch myself trying to do that, I do my best to stop and turn it over to God instead and be grateful for my awareness.)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Ann
In the old days I bought alarm systems. Today I am going out to buy a couple of bird feeders because I live where there are so many lovely birds and I love to sit by my window and watch them, especially when the babies of spring arrive. I shall hang them by my patio, and invite my neighbours to come sit for a coffee and watch too. I shall rise early in the morning and watch the sun rise over the lake and listen as the birds slowly awaken...first one song, then two, then a chorus of birdsong just outside my window.
It's good to feel safe. It's healthy too. I am grateful for my recovery, my meetings, SR and all those who have walked with me while I found serenity again and let go of my fears. Love you all.
It's good to feel safe. It's healthy too. I am grateful for my recovery, my meetings, SR and all those who have walked with me while I found serenity again and let go of my fears. Love you all.
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