hope2be

TJP:

Please know that the "Back to Square One" dance is done by most of us Moms, many times over. As I get older, I've had to sit some of them out, just couldn't do the jigg anymore.

As Ann has said, Step One, surrender, is not an end, but a beginning. I do it just about everyday when I get up and start wondering what will become of my adult children when I force them to leave the nest soon. I have to mentally force myself to surrender each and every morning because I was so accustomed to waking up and trying to figure out how I was going to save them from themselves.

I now say to myself that I have tried everything to save them except letting them go. Maybe I just need to save myself and set an example. One of the readings from Language of Letting Go, February 12th, is one of my favs....
It's about a bridge that we must cross leaving them behind. I imagine myself as leaving this chaos and lighting a path so that when in darkness, they have a guide. The reading also reminds me that I can't go back there, I can only wave and cheer those on that cross the bridge.

May all of us Moms hold hands while we cross that bridge together.

My thoughts and prayers with you and yours,
Hope

Ann

What a wonderful mental image that brings, Hope, I walking with you.

fourmaggie

^^^...i think this thread is preparing me for the future...i hope with my AL ANON now, that i can give my children a fighting chance with the addiction in our family....HEALTHY boundaries and love....

thanks to all the moms..(and future ones too)!

bluebelle

sending hugs and prayers your way

shockozulu

I've seen that look and I feel your pain. (((TJP))) You are in my prayers tonight.

tjp613

thanks for the continued prayers, friends. I do feel better today...went out and did a little window shopping and had a slice of CHEESECAKE!

While I was out I received a text from him saying he's going back to the recovery center on Monday..... I basically said, "good luck!" and left it at that. This is becoming quite absurd and I've found that my tolerance for bullsh!t is at an all-time low. It's working in my favor!

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - You know ((Ann)) SWEARS cheesecake can make any situation better

I'm glad you got out, I'm glad you gave him a quick response to his text. I've also found that when my tolerance for BS gets low, I actually make more progress at detaching.

I loved the earlier post about the bridge..one of my favorites that I remember from decades ago. There was a time I wanted to drag my dysfunctional family across to "my" side, other times I wanted to kick their a$$ across the bridge, and for now? I'm okay that we're on opposite sides. I pray they eventually make it across the bridge, but I am pretty darned sure it's not going to be ME who's going to be the one to do it. At the most, maybe one day they'll want what I have, but I'm just focusing on me and staying out of the drama.

I WAS them for about 25 years. It wasn't anyone anyone said or did, other than letting me deal with my own consequences, and that finally got old, that I started taking baby steps across the bridge. Oh, I still have bad days, I slip right back into codie land, but those times don't last long at all. My motto has been, for a long time "just get me to SR, I'll be okay" and it still works

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

litehorse

detachment is a process just like all the rest - you make the decision to get off the ride but while you are making your way off the platform and out of the park you still can see and hear the ride -but as you get to the parking lot and drive off you are left with just the distant knowledge that the ride is still operating - so much support and love here for the struggles we face especially as mothers who have to deny every natural instinct - God bless

Seren

(((TJP))) I also have it on good authority that cheesecake works wonders!

As litehorse said, time and distance away from the roller coaster work wonders, too. You and your son and your whole family are still in my thoughts and prayers.

SeekingGrowth

(((tjp))), I am so very very sorry to hear what you are going through. And so depressed to hear that your story is common to so many. I am at the beginning stages of all of this. My AS did his first in-patient rehab stay about a month ago, relapsed the day after his release, and just checked himself in Friday to a new, different in-patient rehab facility (thank God for generous health insurance benefits). The only reason he did this is because I kicked him out of the house the week before (one week after his release from the first rehab facility) with no job and no money, and he was literally living in his car and starving. He sought rehab because he wanted a bed to sleep in. As soon as he told me he was going into rehab, I was "Miss Supportive," buying him a phone card, helping him gather clean clothes, feeding him in the hours before he left -- he was high to the point of slurring his words and swaying, so I drove him to the facility. So far, he's still there, but it's only been a couple of days.

I feel like an emotional yo-yo. I have taken the position that I will have nothing to do with him if he is actively using, but that I will be loving and supportive if he is pursuing recovery (and his actions demonstrate that - I know that words mean nothing). Will my yo-yo approach eventually lead me to emotional exhaustion because he will bounce back and forth between "recovery" and active use, as you and so many others on this board have experienced? This is a frightening prospect, but what else can we do? Maybe my AS will be one of the minority who actually embraces recovery. Or maybe not. The probabilities are not in his favor.

Heroin is such an awful drug.

tjp613

Yes, SG, I have learned this the hard way. I did that too....scrambling around to get him some clothes, toiletries, food, etc. Let's see... this will make his 4th attempt at "recovery" via rehab. Each and every time he's gone back to using virtually immediately. And actually, now that I think about it, each stay in rehab has been shorter and shorter. I'm sloowwwwwwwly figuring out that he uses rehab more like a vacation -- a place where he doesn't have to DO anything and a warm bed, 3 squares, and loving parental attention are his. It now appears that he is using the "promise" of rehab to pull us in .... as soon as we stop contact, he starts talking rehab, and we get sucked into the cycle all over again. This, I've found in MY experience, is the pitfall of "supporting his recovery efforts"....because they're not real recovery efforts at all....we're just paying for a very expensive hotel.

Unfortunately, my AS started using opiates at 16 and that's where his emotional growth came to a screeching halt. He's acting just like a 15 year old who wants what he wants when he wants it. And I keep expecting the matur(ing) character of a 21 year old "man" to toughen up and do what needs to be done to get through this. Totally unrealistic. Well, he's gonna have to man up one way or the other .... get sober or learn how to survive living under a bridge.

tjp613

Oh, and BTW, his counselor told me he's had more than a few clients who were in rehab for their 12th, 13th, or 14th stay.... I guess if you're made of money that's fine. We are NOT.