oneday66

I'm numb but kinda relieved...
I gave my husband an ultimatum... Rehab or I'm out of your life...
His response: ”I'm sorry... I can't do rehab, even if it means losing you...”
This is after he relapsed and reneged on his promise to go...
At least he's honest... We r both out of excuses for him...
This board was right..begging, love , crying, negotuating don't work...it's not my problem... Moving into a new apartment and life next week... He will not take anymore of my time, pain... 40 yrs old and starting over...

On,my way to see him...,this old rock song came on the radio...which I took as my HP hitting me on the head with a CLEAR message...

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me

I am just a worthless liar
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
Trust me trust me

I want what I want, I want what I want
why can't we not be sobrer... Why can't we drink forever

December2011

Now I gotta play that song. TOOL- Sober. I love how Tool rights meaningful songs and wants people to take their own personal meanings out of them- and this song really spoke to your heart.

I am glad that you starting a fresh chapter in your life. I know it is sad even though you are numb, but maybe it is also exciting.

P.S. 40 is the new 30

Hugs

Impurrfect

(((oneday))) I'm glad you are working on moving forward. I'm both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones who are/were A's. It hurts. It feels totally personal...like "they're choosing using over me". It's NOT personal. When we are deep into our addiction, that's all we think about. The rare times I came "down" enough to realize what I was doing to my loved ones? Oooh, get high, forget!! I did that until I'd had enough, reached MY bottom, though my XABF#3 met his bottom in death..he never got it.

I love how HP sent you a message. I'm always amazed at how HP has a tendency to do that.

Keep taking care of you, the one person you can control. Grief? Yep, been there done that, but it passes and we find a strength we never knew we had.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ann

Starting over means new beginnings. May every day of your new beginnings bring you healing and sunshine and wonderful tomorrows.

Hugs

Terminally Unique

If it makes you feel any better, oneday66, you were much nicer than I probably would have been given a similar predicament. My ultimatum would have been: "Quit for life, or I'm gone. I don't care how you do it, but I don't want to hear about any relapses — one strike and you're out. Topic closed."

PS: I would allow 48 hours for a final decision either way.

cc88

alot of tool lyrics have to do with drug use. in positive and negative lights.

You are lucky to get such a straight non/manipulative answer. My mother in law is starting her life over at 40 too and im trying to help. Its not easy to see because she wont let go, like it seems you have. Stay strong. Dont be convinced you made a mistake. You're totally doing the right thing.

oneday66

Thank you all... The responses are keeping me strong...
I haven't responded to his subsequeng texts which include...
* I have a job interview... Can't u wish me well?
* I will do anything but rehab to make us work
* do u wany to go out this wknd...
He doesn't want to do the hard work that is rehab
No contact untill that happens
Not living with him until he's clean and working a program for a year
He wants me and the option to indulge his crack habbit and to keep his alcoholic/addict friends
I refuse... This is a matter of life or death. Like someone here said... Sobriety is not a negotiation.
I am living my life without him because in my mind... As long as he's using crack he's a dead man

ag0710

oneday66,
I can relate. We gave a similar ultimatum to our son a few weeks ago, and he said he was not ready to give up getting high and drunk and hanging out with his drug using friends. So he moved in with one of them.

At first it was easy to think that he was choosing addiction and his stoned friends over his family, but we've learned not to take it personally. He's just not ready yet. And the only way that an addict will stop is if it's for himself, not for anyone else, no matter how much they love you.

Be strong, and take care of yourself. Good luck...

Terminally Unique

You could turn this against him, if you wanted to. Just reply with:

"Well, there is one thing other than rehab that I might accept: quitting all use of alcohol and other drugs, not tentatively, but unconditionally, and for life -- without the option of relapses."

This could be formalized with a postnuptial agreement stipulating clear concessions if he does relapse, such as you getting everything (ie, house, car, etc). He'll try to wiggle out of such an agreement, of course, but if he's not going to relapse, then it shouldn't be a problem, should it?