post rehab contract

Old 03-12-2012, 01:25 PM
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post rehab contract

Long story short, my boyfriend (who I knew for many years before we dated) had a serious addiction to opiates. He finally went into rehab last December and finally I got the person back that I always knew. He made all the right steps, got sponsor, went to meetings every day, etc. We did have a few arguments a month ago over trust issues (not shocking.) He said they did tell them in rehab that a "contract" with those who have trust issues with you is a good idea. He did that for me. Make a long story short, it was telling me he would no longer delete texts out of his phone, delete call histories, block certain individuals, etc. Everything was going better than it ever has since we started dating a few years ago.

Fast forward to the last month. You know when you just get a weird feeling in your gut? Nothing even happened but I looked at the phone just to see if he was really holding up to the contract. The text and call histories had been deleted. Contract violation #1. When asked about this, he reacted with anger. Apparently his sponsor had been asking him to borrow money, his sponsor had fallen off the wagon, etc and he just didn't want any of those texts that were arguments even in his phone. I honestly don't need any of you to make me feel dumb right now. Just looking back, he seemed to be really well in every way, shape and form. There was nothing really there to make me believe he was using.

This past weekend, I unplug his phone to charge mine on his charger and I see missed call from the one person I know has no business contacting him who use to do drugs and sell drugs to him. Several months ago my ex told him to no longer contact him and that he would physically hurt him if he did (this druggie friend threatened me at one point.) My ex had called his phone company and blocked several people from texting him and calling (supposedly from calling.) This druggie friend called twice with no voicemail that night. He called again the next day. When this happened, I clicked answer and gave the phone to my ex and told him to answer and see what he wanted. He hung it up. He went on a major rampage about how I should never have done that, this person is from his past drug days, he wants nothing to do with him, if he does talk to him he will just want to attack him, I shouldn't expect this, bla bla bla bla bla.

There's so much detail I'm leaving out but the important part is this. If that were me, if I had been the one who destroyed someone's trust, if I had something to really prove to someone I loved, I would have answered that phone, put it on speaker for him to hear and have had that conversation. Period. I also would not have blocked this guys texts but continued to allow him to call me. We both have sprint phones. I know that you can block calls just as easily as you can block texts. Am I being paranoid? i just think he blocked the texts so I would never be able to see anything I shouldn't see. If I were a recovering addict doing what I needed to do to regain trust, this person would be blocked, period, including voice calls and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to answer the phone to the person who was supposedly the "most important person in my life" and have that conversation.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I feel stupid that I let this person back in just to have this happen again. I just don't get it. You make a contract and you fail to follow through on it on many levels and you fail to make a simple move to make the person you're with feel more comfortable. What am I supposed to think? I'm so angry.
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Old 03-12-2012, 01:40 PM
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When someone reacts as your boyfriend did it spells relapse to me. Otherwise, he would have been understanding and not trying to make you feel you were wrong to question him. In fact he would have been upfront and honest with you that he was going to delete some calls and why so you wouldn't become suspicious. People with nothing to hide hide nothing. It's a red flag IMO. He's been caught up to his old tricks and he doesn't like it.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:09 PM
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Anvilhead - apparently I was incorrect in thinking that people who will disagree with you will do it in a constructive manner. I actually have quite a bit to do on a daily basis including working a full time professional job and taking care of a family. There have been many things volunteered by my ex that I never did including him admitting he ruined my trust repeatedly and if I wanted access to email, etc I could have it. I didn't do it. When you check after awhile when someone seems to be up to their old patterns, I call it protecting myself and my family....not having nothing better to do.

Also, I was not looking through his phone when this drug dealer called him three times. As kmangel says, to me, if someone has nothing to hide after a history of broken promises, deceit, etc, they would not be making the same choices. At least I wouldn't.

again, he had no problem blocking people he didn't want to call his phone or text. If he didn't want to talk to him and he was serious, it would take two seconds to block this person just like he did with other individuals.

I'm hoping this thread doesn't continue to be something that is not constructive.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:18 PM
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So he broke his contract with you. Now what? It seems the ball is in your court. What sort of boundaries did you set up? What were the consequences of him breaking the contract? I'm assuming he lied to you lots of time while he was using so I'm not sure why it's surprising now.

Are you working on YOUR recovery at all? Have you looked into Alanon or Naranon?
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:20 PM
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I'm just trying to understand this process of phone checking, text checking, email Checking....but it seems like even if he offered up transparency regarding these things; and you looked every so often....and let's say all was could a person be assured that selected messages, texts, weren't just being deleted immediately after they came in while the other legit ones were left behind as proof he was being transparent?

If I was trying to sneak around that's how I would do it; by deleting the whole thing that's too obvious.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:27 PM
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Yes and thank you paper dolls. I've worked on becoming a stronger person and focusing on me alot more over the last year. I did not go to Alanon or Naranon but I did see a therapist and will continue to see her. She really helped me learn how to manage to put the focus back on me. This blow had it been a year ago would have felt alot worse. However, each blow still hurts when you know things are just not what they should be.

I realize the ball is in my court. I think I did a good job when all this happened. I confronted him, he threw a tantrum, I asked him to leave. I stayed pretty calm through all of it. I am working on developing my own letter or additional boundaries to myself. The boundaries just have been crossed over too many times.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:30 PM
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Kelly, that is EXACTLYB what I told myself and told him. What's the point of you showing me texts when you can delete any thread you want? What's the point in you giving me your email accounts (which I never took him up on) when you can create an infinate amount. That's not what's important. What's important is feeling you can trust someone. I'm sorry but I just can't get over the druggie friend calling. I did NOT go through his phone to see that. I went to charge my phone and when you unplug the Evo phones it flashes up the screen and shows you who the last caller was. How do you deny that?
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post

The boundaries just have been crossed over too many times.
Boundaries usually begin with "I will/ will not..." Attempts to control other people usually begin with "you will/will not...or else..."

A boundary defines an individual's values and does not require or expect other people to conform.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:51 PM
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Can't begin to answer that one. But I can tell you there is an interesting thread on the substance abuse forum related to how a recovering addict deleted a dealer, but didn't block him- then dealer texted this guy. He then told him he was going clean.

But I get where your coming from; Id panic if I saw that too.
I won't speculate what it means... You know him better
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Old 03-12-2012, 05:13 PM
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But you did look at his phone before the incident when you were innocently plugging your phone in and the history was deleted…

And here I am assuming but it sure looks like that set you off…So did that set you off?

And why a contract with a grown man, that just freaks me out but then I don’t like them with children either. To much control all the way around … and lets add that random…See you signed a contract, you are a liar, like you needed a piece of paper to tell you something wasn’t right.

Personally if I anyone needed me to put calls on speaker phone because of a trust issue, I would leave that relationship, because if you can’t trust then the relationship will be riddled with problems real and not so real. Are you so sure if the tables were turned you would bend that easily to prove your love and trust? It wouldn’t bother you especially if you knew in your heart you were nothing but trustworthy?

Now the important question is do you think he is using, are the signs there? And if they are, did you need to look at his phone for proof, cause damn using is always obvious…and what might you do about that for you? What boundaries can you set up to keep you safe and out of the madness, his madness and what it trips in you?
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:02 PM
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hi Madison,

I hear your hurt and frustration and fear. I understand the unstable feeling of having trust issues. My ex and I visited each of our own therapists together and spoke about trust and the therapists both spoke about the necessity for transparency...and the "methods" of promoting that transparency were, to I am sure many here but to the majority of people in general an odd behavior. It was stated by professional therapists that it would take the extreme transparency methods to rebuild the shattered trust that addiction often causes, if we as two human beings who loved each other wanted to salvage our relationship. It was not something I asked for; it was recommended.

The contract idea? That was brought up not only be rehab, but by a few of his recovering buddies and there are contracts on line entitled "relapse prevention". It is a tool, and it can be useful. We did not have one on paper, but the one in my mind and heart went from a thought to a pencil to a pen to being scribed in stone...and I mean that metaphorically. We never had a paper contract, but we had an agreement.

A contract can be useful because both the person suffering from addiction and the person connected to that person who is suffering from that addiction tend to forget...
tend to forget the boundaries they put between themselves and the destructive drug use.

For me? Things would go back to "normal" pretty quickly...and depending on how I was working my program I would either be quite watchful or I would just trust he was doing what he needed to be doing. After awhile, after knowing someone well enough and living together with day to day habits of can just sense that the "contract" is being forgotten. When this begins to happen the mistrust blooms. I would start to look for a clue. When an addict starts to drift toward the downward spiral the lies begin...

For me, the codependent, I had huge fear of those lies, I had despair over those lies, because it signaled the beginning of the end for me. I loved my ex, and I wanted to live with him, but I could not live with that part of him...

The contract, written in my tears and anger, expressed with everyone I knew; sponsor, friends, family, fellowship...written here and in my morning pages and in my letters to him and so many others, my contract would eventually hold me accountable.

Your post...and my post...both long, could probably boil down to this:

We love them.
We can't bear the pain of addiction.
We have a contract with our conscience.
We are powerless over what they write on it.
We love them.

My contract now is null and void for at least a year...I think realistically that by the time a year is up it will be obsolete. But I let myself keep that contract in the drawer for now.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:44 PM
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I am not sure a contract between the two of you can be managed without a mediator (a counselor who acts as mediator).

Often in marriage counseling, when one partner has cheated on the other, these kinds of "contracts" are made, in which the "cheating" spouse promises henceforth to be transparent with the partner. The "cheater" communicates frequently throughout the day and night while away and reports consistently where he/she is, what he/she is doing, when he/she will be home, etc.

In your situation, without a professional mediator, I'm not sure a contract will work, as it does set you up to police him, in a fashion, which is unfair to you and can stoke his rebellion and resentment if he feels he is being parented.

I think your gut, which you mentioned early on, is your best ally and I have found in my life that when I need to know something, it will be revealed.

Do you work a program? Maybe some work with the first 3 Steps would help you very much right now. Bring some peace.
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:27 PM
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Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, Madison. I hope the best for you both. I tend to agree with you- if he had nothing to hide he would have put the call on speaker phone if it were me, rebuilding trust, I would do that.

he needs to be transparent at this time, and that is what he should do.

Sorry for what you are going through
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Old 03-13-2012, 04:40 AM
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Thank you all for your insightful posts. Unfortunately I can not attend the alanon or naranon meetings close by. I checked online and they are mostly all during the week when I'm at work or taking care of my toddler. I'm a single mom. Is there something you would recommend online? Is there an online group that is good? I'm sure being there is best but that's just not an option for me right now.

Also is there a good website you've read on setting boundaries for yourself? I'm sure I could google it but thought I would ask for your opinions first.
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Old 03-13-2012, 04:49 AM
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Incitingsilence, to answer your question, yes there was a sign. The morning I went to plug my phone in, and saw the call from ex drug dealer, I broke my foot and ended up in the emergency room. My boyfriend took me. We went to breakfast, I was on pain meds, I looked at his eyes and his pupils looked small. Mind you I was on some narcotics but I said something to him and he didn't get angry but got upset. I thought he's not acting weird but why else would his pupils be constricted? That day I found a bottle with some kind of liquid in it. This was right before the drug dealer called and he wouldn't answer. Of course, then it was a massive reaction of anger, him turning tables on me, telling me I shouldn't have done that, I'm an a--hole, etc. That's the full story. I asked him to leave. That liquid I found could have been anything. I left it in there. His drugs of choice were opiates. My gut just tells me this can't be all a coincidence.

So, for now, I blocked him for awhile. I don't think I'm prepared to speak to him. I'm having surgery and my family is staying with me. I will use this time for myself as I'm recovering from surgery to develop boundaries and think about what I am willing to have to do or not do when and if the conversation with him occurs.
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Old 03-13-2012, 06:39 AM
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I think the most revealing clue is his anger when confronted. You don't really need any other clues. If he was innocent he would be understanding.

When my son relapsed it was after his developing kidney stones and the doctor prescribed pain meds. I noticed that he was really out of it and I asked him "How many of those Percocets did you take?" He was supposed to take one three times a day. He got all bent out of shape "How can you say that to me, Mom? Do you know how that makes me feel?" Red flag. He even called his girlfriend and complained to her about my comment. Later, when the truth was revealed to me he was abusing the pain meds (taking 20 per day rather than the prescribed 3) I thought to myself how upset he got that I was on to him. I truly believe had he been taking his meds appropriately he for one wouldn't have been so out of it and even if he was he wouldn't have been upset with me. The same with your husband.
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Old 03-13-2012, 07:39 AM
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Madison, it seems to me that you have more than enough reason not to trust him and that you are entitled to take steps for him to prove himself before winning your trust back. Not much different to a partner having an affair and then having to win trust back over a long period of time.

I think you should trust your gut. Do you want to remain in a relationship with him even if he is addicted to drugs?
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:10 AM
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Madison, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard to get that trust back. I am going through the same thing with my fiance. He just got out of rehab on the 20th of last month and it has been a challenge every day. Of course I worry about him relapsing but I have had to remind myself not to obsess cause that trust is going to take a long time for him to rebuild and when it comes down to it, it's all up to him whether or not he stays clean. My honest opinion? I think having a contract like that isn't something that's healthy for you or him. For me a contract would just push me more into obsessing over what he's doing and it's probably making him feel like he's constantly being watched which would make anyone uncomfortable and irritable. It doesn't seem to be doing either of you any good. Something that I have learned and other people have already said is his actions will tell you all you need to know. When I approach my fiance about my worries he's very understanding and he doesn't get upset at all. That right there tells me that he's still on the right track cause if he was using, he would instantly get defensive.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I don't think you need to go as far as having a contract. His actions and how he reacts when you express your concerns to him are a very clear way to see where his mindset is at. I know how it feels to be where you're at. It's such a horrible feeling and it just eats away at you cause you are trying so hard to get that secure feeling back. Believe me when I tell you though, analyzing everything the way you are right now is just going to make you crazy and you don't need that for yourself. He's going to do whatever he wants to do, you have no control over that. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to make him use or stay sober. All of that is in his hands. What you do have control over is yourself and how you let all of this affect you. Focus on keeping yourself healthy cause that's what is most important. I learned a lot from this site. The stickies on this forum are very helpful and as you have already seen there are so many people on here that have great advice to offer. Just take what best applies to your situation and leave the rest. I am very early into my recovery (codependency) and I still have so much to learn but something that I learned almost right away is it doesn't help to obsess over my fiance cause I had gotten to a point where I was so focused on him that I lost myself. It's not worth it. I've learned how to love him and support him in a HEALTHY way for him and myself. I hope you can achieve that for yourself and your BF. I'm sorry if I rambled but I hope most of my post made sense

I wish you and and your BF the best of luck and I hope you can find some kind of peace for yourself
Take care

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Old 03-13-2012, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
Also is there a good website you've read on setting boundaries for yourself? I'm sure I could google it but thought I would ask for your opinions first.
This is my favorite guideline

It originated at MS State University, but it's no longer on their server. If you google "healthy collapsed rigid boundaries" you'll find several professionals use it, and find some additional commentary, too.

There are also several books about boundaries - there's a particular one referenced often here - but I can't remember the name.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
When someone reacts as your boyfriend did it spells relapse to me. Otherwise, he would have been understanding and not trying to make you feel you were wrong to question him. In fact he would have been upfront and honest with you that he was going to delete some calls and why so you wouldn't become suspicious. People with nothing to hide hide nothing. It's a red flag IMO. He's been caught up to his old tricks and he doesn't like it.
100% agree.......sorry to say this but "walks like a duck and talks like a duck...might just be a duck!" If he hasn't relapsed yet, he's on the verge! The anger he's portraying is a warning sign to YOU! Forget answering his phone and doing all this detective work.....he broke the contract, now follow up with your end of the bargain (whatever the consequesnces you agreed to). If he loves you and cares so much, he'll come a running!!
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