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Really Angry

Old 03-12-2012, 10:59 AM
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Really Angry

Sometime around Feb. 22 I posted about my mom passing away and discovering that AS had stolen her and my dad's wedding rings and a gold bracelet of hers. AS is in jail now because of several thefts - all to purchase drugs. I've been no-contact since he was arrested until yesterday. We spoke briefly and I have to admit that I'm still so angry with him, I could barely talk to him. I've got a pretty good idea that all that anger doesn't signal that my own codie recovery is going very well. Have any of you experienced that and did you get past it?
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:09 AM
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Yes....but I'm still working on getting past it.


Eckhart Tolle says:

The experience you are having is necessary for your evolvement as a human being. How do you know it's necessary? Because you are having it.
************************************************** *******

When I hear things like this....it helps to be more accepting. It helps me to step back and observe....why did this particular thing happen?

When I started looking at everything as a learning opportunity....for me, or someone else...then some of the anger started to subside.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:14 AM
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I posted elsewhere yesterday, that sometimes my anger stems from holding back what I really want to say or do. The more I hold it in, the angrier I get. Eventually I blow, sometimes at the person, sometimes with an inanimate object. I tried the 'write a letter then burn it up' thing and that didn't work for me. Hurling all the glass in the recycling bin, hearing it shatter while I said all the stuff I wanted, worked wonders for me.

I'll pray you find a healthy way to get it out.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:14 AM
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it is ok to feel anger in sobriety but its how you choose to deal with the anger that poses problems i have been sober now for 25 years and had a lot of deaths in my family recently and found that some of my family were trying to steal burial plots from us and money even when thsy themselves had lots of money but they wanted my money too
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:17 AM
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Make sure you don't let your son entice you into doing something you know you shouldn't do since you are now talking with him. That will make you even more angry--and it will be at yourself.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:19 AM
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for me ~ anger is a feeling and feelings are neither good nor bad - they just are. It's my reaction to that feeling that can cause good or bad.

I have to process this feeling in a way which is healthy for me ~ for me that entails - meetings, journaling, work with my sponsors on putting these emotions thru the steps and prayer and meditation with my HP ~

Not saying it makes the anger go away immediately - but it does give me an outlet ~ a healthy outlet!

PINK HUGS,
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:49 AM
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We don't have to do anything destructive when we are angry. We all get angry. It's what we do when we are angry that can create more grief in our lives. One thing that I find myself wanting to do when I am upset is walk. Exercise is a good way of releasing pent up emotion. Another thing I like to do when I'm upset is clean house.
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Old 03-12-2012, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Virgo59 View Post
Sometime around Feb. 22 I posted about my mom passing away and discovering that AS had stolen her and my dad's wedding rings and a gold bracelet of hers. AS is in jail now because of several thefts - all to purchase drugs. I've been no-contact since he was arrested until yesterday. We spoke briefly and I have to admit that I'm still so angry with him, I could barely talk to him. I've got a pretty good idea that all that anger doesn't signal that my own codie recovery is going very well. Have any of you experienced that and did you get past it?
Well, anger in and of itself isn't a bad thing. The reasons why you're angry are legitimate. Anger only becomes an issue when we allow ourselves to act out and behave poorly. I can tell you that I'm very guilty of allowing my anger to get the better of me from time to time.

When I feel my anger is starting to affect my judgement, I remember something that was said by a friend of mine in an Al Anon meeting:

You can't fight anger with anger. You can't fight hate with hate. You can only fight those with love.

And when I remember that, I ramp myself down. I will allow myself to feel anger, but I work on not feeding the anger.

So, feel what you feel. It's OK. Just work on not feeding the anger. Some days will be easier than others. Please be kind to yourself while you're healing from this.

All The Best,
ZoSo
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Old 03-12-2012, 12:23 PM
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Maybe because I grew up poor and was raised feeling that material things weren't important, I don't feel angry about the loss of things. Rather I feel sadness/pity knowing that drugs can drive a person so low as to steal from friends/family.
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Old 03-12-2012, 01:07 PM
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I don't really act out in anger - I just don't want to talk to him right now. I did, however, put money on the stupid phone account because I want to know what they're going to do with him this time. Such conflict. I've never felt this before - any time he's been arrested I've always been busy visiting the jail, contacting attorneys, looking for rehab programs - busy, busy, busy. While I'm comfortable with not doing all that this time - I wish I could say that I've detached with love - not with anger.
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Old 03-12-2012, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Virgo59 View Post
I don't really act out in anger - I just don't want to talk to him right now. I did, however, put money on the stupid phone account because I want to know what they're going to do with him this time. Such conflict. I've never felt this before - any time he's been arrested I've always been busy visiting the jail, contacting attorneys, looking for rehab programs - busy, busy, busy. While I'm comfortable with not doing all that this time - I wish I could say that I've detached with love - not with anger.

Maybe this anger is long overdue. Go ahead and allow yourself to feel it. It would be abnormal if we never felt angry. Personally I don't think there is "only one right way" when it comes to detaching. Just because you are angry with him, furious in fact, does not mean you don't love him underneath. If you needed anger to help you detach, then so be it, accept it as a gift. Your AS burned a lot of bridges this time when he was out, and imo, it's up to him to re-build his bridges, not up to you to build them back for him.

Just my 2 cents, but those calls from jail will serve to annoy you all the more. As long as you have the case number, you can call the Clerk of Court's office and ask for a status update on his case. Another jmo....they actually do have everything they need in jail (or prison). No one in there dies from "lack of" anything, to my knowledge. My AS ran that number on me more times than I can count, having me put money in his account for this and that, only for me to find out later how he'd bartered items from his commissary (phone calls, phone cards, stamps, candy, etc.) for...(screaming) JAILHOUSE TATTOOES!!!
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:10 PM
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greetings fellow Virgoan...of all the signs I think we may be known as being the most perfectionist?

There have been so many times when I have had high demands and expectations of my own reactions, and there have been many times when I have been belittled or shamed for my imperfect reactions, either by myself or by others. In a perfectly altruistic and compassionate world one might be able to communicate with someone who has hurt them so deeply and not feel a "negative" emotional reaction. I think that type of perfectly compassionate person has a name...well, several names Jesus, Buddha, Kuan Yin...

For me, an imperfect but learning, growing and grieving human being, my anger usually signals a boundary being crossed. My anger (for ALL of the valid reasons it exists) does not mean that there is not love in my heart. Anger may enable me to detach, reinforce my memory so that I continue to detach, protect my own mental, emotional and physical boundaries so that I actually can get the space to understand what detachment...from someone you love...feels like. IS like.

It has only been since Feb 22nd, that is a very short time to process so much hurt, betrayal, grief and "intense realities". Remember you are a human being and we can only really process so much at a time. I continue to find that I need to have some realistic expectations for myself, and sometimes when we are so busy trying so hard to be strong and do the right thing we can forget to be gentle and loving with ourselves as well.

I am sorry for your loss, sorry for your hurt and betrayal, sorry that someone you love (I'm guessing deep inside under the anger) is not only in jail but so caught by addiction that you have to not have contact. It is painful, and you are doing the best you can. Keep reaching out, keep breathing and praying, cry, drive with the radio on loud and scream...whatever it takes. It is your own well being you are trying to protect...and the best thing about it is that it is the best thing for everyone involved.

Prayers and peace to you.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:12 PM
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PS...
Kuan Yin is a hindu goddess of compassion...please don't think I am referring to the member here with the avatar Kuan Yin!!
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:55 PM
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In our area, you can check court dockets online to get a general idea of what is happening with a case. If I wanted contact with my D while she was in jail or prison, I would correspond by mail or JPay email because it was so much less stressful that talking to her directly.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:57 PM
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KuanYin - He's been in jail/prison before and I fell for the whole 'commissary, starving, don't have toothpaste, etc.' - also used for prison tattoos and who knows what else! If he begins pestering with phone calls, I'll just stop answering them.
lesliej - Ah, the perfection! I think we also are predisposed to be caretakers and fixers.

So thankful I found this site and all of you - makes a world of difference to have people that understand how I feel about my son and his addiction.
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Old 03-12-2012, 03:40 PM
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My son stole treasured family jewelry from me too, many years ago. Not terribly valuable but priceless because of their history.

I'm still angry about that, and it's maybe 9 years later. I don't let my anger rule me or even throw my day, I just acknowledge it and let it be and maybe one day it won't matter so much.

I think that is the difference between anger and resentments. Resentments eat away at us every day, anger is just a bad memory that reminds us to not let it happen again.

hugs
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
PS...
Kuan Yin is a hindu goddess of compassion...please don't think I am referring to the member here with the avatar Kuan Yin!!
LOL, no I couldn't be mistaken for her. but a KuanYin wannabe???
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Old 03-13-2012, 06:28 PM
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I read someplace that the stages of dealing with an addict are "yearn, burn, churn, and turn". I'd like to add "learn" to that as well. I've learned through all the stages and still have so much to learn. Every stage has its own purpose. May God give you peace and calm during the storm.
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