KelleyF

I'm reading threads regarding codependency.

Oddly it comes just a few hours before my 1st couples session with my BF*

I think from all I've learned on SR:
Codependents are addicted to their bad behaviors just as addicts are addicted to their drugs.

What I find interesting is how we react to our relapses; in contrast to how we react to theirs...

I've heard it said, and i do believe that codependents can become even more physically and mentally ill than the actual drug addict.

We know better; yet we read their FB, look in their pockets, talk to their friends, look at their texts,
Criticize their recovery program....and on and on....
All while making ourselves sick because we won't give up our codependent druggie lifestyle.

We make our rationalizations, we have a real need, we are doing it for their good, for our good....because we can't resist. *We say over and over we will stop - but like the addict we dont; we can't, do we even want to ? *And then we try to quit...

But yet when we slip, when we relapse - we rationalize it away. *We just try to do better; day after day; or do we? Most of us are chronic relapsers.

We get sympathy from our friends, we tell each other the addict is to blame for our using codependent behaviors.. We decide to escape our reality by getting our nails done, having a day of relaxation. *But to the drug addict, we say work harder; go to meetings everyday, be humble don't expect sympathy. Your just not working hard enough, you dont want it bad enough...We even complain their rehabs or places of recovery are too plushy; like a vacation.*

So how do we reconcile our addiction; our thoughts. Our actions with those of the drug addict?*

bluebelle

I think there is a great similarity between codependent behavior and any other addiction including drug addiction. As you've noticed, a lot of the people with codependent behavior have also became drug addicts/alcoholics.

I am a chronic relapser, as you say. I have to remember to focus on myself and to not control the outcome of events. If I was a drug addict, it would make all of that so much harder. I would be using drugs to escape or to get through life. It would just make my life that much more complicated and worse.

So, there are similarities. However, if my RABF relapsed, his world would quickly go downhill. He would be risking death or jail as a consequence. He can't control his usage, and he would use lies, manipulation, criminal behavior, to get more of the drug. He would hurt everyone around him and himself.

There are similarities because codependency is so entwined with drug addiction. There are a lot of people who use the codepenency treatment to help them not return to drugs. Like I said, drugs just make things that much worse.

bluebelle

I agree with this very much. My life was unmanageable, and I was close to th edge. So, the codependency stuff that I do on here and on my own is for me--not for any of the drug addicts in my life. It's to return myself to sanity.

lesliej

so...
the last time my ex relapsed he rolled out of my bed, went to a dangerous crack hood, disappeared for two and half days, didn't sleep or eat during that time, ended up with two armed crack dealers in his car, spent his entire paycheck plus more, got kicked out of his sober house, left behind over half of his belongings...when he smokes crack, especially on his binge relapses, he suffers from exacerbating his mental illness(s) he is both ADHD and bi polar, and the poison chemistry of crack pushes him into a deep deep anxiety filled depression. he has lost his children, his home, his masters program, three sponsors, his job, and his girlfriend.

my most current "relapse"? I click on an app on my phone and see where he is.

yep.

do I think I can control where he is? am I enabling him?

my use of my phone app gives me a little bit of ease...I love this man, please do not forget as you write your scathing critique of my "relapse" but I also can see that he is in a crack hood and so I know I am doing the right thing, to detach...it enforces it.

I am a little appalled that you gave someone a hard time for going to get their nails done.

And the cushy posh vacation rehab...that was me. yep. I have now experienced enough of my ex's behavior to see how he actually uses the resources of recovery to survive his use. I had to finally see that because it is true...some addicts actually get so deep in that they lie to themselves and everyone else (I thought you had gained some insight from that article...) he sailed through the LODGE. it is a LODGE! it is cushy, it is seriously cushy. while he was fed by a renown chef and had candlelit meditation and yoga and smokes on the deck with the guys...

I was left without his contribution to the house. I worked, took care of my life, managed my recovery X2 AA and Al Anon, while maintaining my relationships and my small business. thank GOD I get a little emotional support once in a while "sympathy"

do we do better? do we? only "WE" know if we're doing better.
I know where I was and I know how far I have come. To have you critique the progress is "interesting".

I went from living with the man I was going to marry...to clicking on a map to see where he is. The story, the HARD HARD work that fits into that little ellipsis (...) is more than you can imagine. And all of us here have our own ellipsis. Many of us have had to learn how to "let go" of someone we love.

A couple of things...
I feel resentment that you compare relapses. If you reject that notion then I suggest you re-read the descriptions of the relapses above.
I resent that you are listing specifics of other peoples stories and putting them in a context that is not your place to do.
I think that you don't know what it's like to be in the shoes of someone who has repeatedly experienced the painful relapses of someone they LOVE. Until you do, which you hopefully won't. Then I would perhaps suggest you don't throw stones.

And lastly...I now need to practice detachment on SR. My "unmanageability" is way more triggered by reading inexperienced comments, opinions and downright insults about my progress in recovery then it has ever been by getting a text from my ex.

now...where is that detach button...

Impurrfect

I'm in recovery for addiction and codependency. For me, the two are so intertwined, I cannot work one recovery without the other. MY way of dealing with my codie-ness was to turn to drugs. My codie relapses? If they're bad enough, I want to get numb.

I don't, I come here, I talk to friends I've made here, I get re-grounded. There are times I feel like I'm back at square one in recovery..for my codependency, not my addiction, because I've learned enough tools here to stop before I follow through with the "GET NUMB" feeling.

I can tell you I was a pretty sick puppy when I was a raging codie. It was like every thought, feeling, action was tied to the current XABF.

My addiction relapse? I almost died, lost what I had worked hard for in the year "mostly clean" and almost ended up in prison. My codie relapses? I get in a really bad place but I stop short of turning back to addiction. I begin to feel "less than" again, I get extremely stressed that I can't FIX things.

Sometimes I just need to detach, drive around in my car, play feel-good music and sing at the top of my lungs. Other times, I reach out to everyone I can think of.

I've been addicted to substances as well as people. Though, looking at my life, many would say I've had far greater consequences from the addiction, I know I've done a lot of damage to my self-esteem, ego, relationships, etc with my codependency and it takes work to undo what I've done all my life.

I agree with ((Anvil)) in that it all boils down to work the recovery you wish they would. I've often struggled with allowing people to do what they are going to do, not take it personal, and NOT step in to make it "all better".

I don't have it down pat, but I will have 5 years in BOTH my recoveries tomorrow and I'm grateful for the people here who have helped me get here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

milo88

Well, I have to say that I am not a believer in the label system! I probably was codependent, according to the definition, when I was with my ex, but the person I was changed when I found out his addiction was serious and not going to change any day soon. I was not like that before I had a relationship with an addict, and I do think any human being in a relationship with an addict will feel the things that is described in a codependent profile if you love that person.
It's very painful to love someone who is self-destructive.
I have had my own self-destructive issues since my ex died but I wouldn't even consider having a serious relationship while I am still feeling these things. I'd never want to put anyone else through the journey I have been on - including being labelled "codependent" just because they happen to love me.
No. I think there is a certain degree of selfishness with people who have addictions drawing others into their web. I know many others don't agree, but I've "looked at life from both sides now" and I know there is a choice.
As lonely as it is )-:

Windmills

The last time my A relapsed, he spent all of our rent, bill and food money, he stole my tv, my computer, my camera (those last two mean I lost all of my daughters baby pictures, which he knew) emptied my bank account of the £500 I'd saved for our 18 month old's Christmas presents and clothes, sold stuff I'd bought as presents for people and disappeared for weeks. He even tried to take £5 out our daughters hand that her grandad had just given her. He pushed me round, pulled my hair, pinched abd scratched me and threatened me.. Also left me to deal with a 6'5" angry drug dealer.. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks and didn't see him for closer to a month.
Last time I relapsed I didn't put anyone in danger, didn't steal from anyone and didn't choose to ignore my bills, rent and parenting responsibilities. I just worried about him for a while and made a couple too many phone calls. Then I went to a meeting.
Different ball park and not really worth comparing IMO.

tjp613

((((lesliej))) I understand all about being triggered. Had a huge triggering day on Monday and it was so painful and so, so ugly. It was like all the painful emotions I have tried to keep under such tight control for so very long just came spewing out, the painful memories I have worked so hard to move past once and for all...they all came crashing through the roof and right into the middle of my room. Yeah, a freakin' detach button would be a miraculous thing. Yeah, we come face to face with our frailty every so often whether we like it or not.

Just wanted to say that I understand...or I think I do, anyway. At the very least I just want to say that I'm sorry your were triggered. I do know it's very painful. (((hugs)))

incitingsilence

Codependents mirror the addicts in their lives quite nicely. And one of the ways to tell how healthy one is, is if they have stopped “comparing out” as to what they didn’t do, or how they didn’t hurt. It wouldn’t be important to make themselves look better than the addict in their lives…or make the addict the problem. They would look at their actions only, do the best they could at the time and move from there…

Sadly the addict can be a great distraction as well, then one doesn’t have to look at themselves and their actions and reactions…Hypocrite might jump in right here, it did for me…

Imperfect shared of how codependency can take her to a place where she wants to numb out, that is exactly what happened to me. I remember the desperation of needing to get high NOW… but I was never as desperate and as sick within myself as I was when dealing with my husband addiction. I was driven by fear, desperation, more manipulative then when I used, more secretive, so thinking I had it all under control and could make this go away and somehow be like I wanted it to be. I had little regard for myself, and I remember walking into the doctor with him when he spilled the beans so to speak and I looked worse then he did…and I wasn’t using then. In time I did and it was all his fault. Gotta love how that type of thinking works…Gotta love the assignment, that our reactions are the fault of someone else, and not just what we choose to do.

It does take two to dance this dance of sickness.

I wonder has anyone ever looked back and viewed it all with an omg what did I do to myself … not a look what they did to me. I was a very willing participate in the madness and with good reason! And I can trace that back to the day we met, and why I didn’t date him when he asked and why I asked him out months later … to the day we married, I was running, he was too. He also interestingly enough kept a door open for me that I did walk through now and again. It was comfy knowing there was always something around. I remember from almost the beginning sending mixed signals, freaking that he used and that he was high, and yet there were times I was high with him and it was ok if he used then. There were also times that I used and he wasn’t around and if he happened to come home high, OMG how dare he … and yet didn’t I just. Then it was surely his fault too, sigh…

And the contradiction is sickening … out of love, the most unloving things are done and said …which is most sad in terms of a parent reacting to their child.

Sympathy….oh I would watch that reaction and be wary of anyone in this holding your hand to tightly and not challenging you to think and not calling you out, because it just might be they are using you to satiate their own guilt and justify how sick they still are … I am so grateful that I didn’t have to many hand holders, and way more butt kickers…

Chino

That was true for me when my daughter was an active addict, and it took a while for me to realize I was using her as my crutch.

I thought I was beginning to get a handle on it, until she found recovery.

I was still 'using' her but not as crutch; I allowed her to become my prop. As much as I was fixated earlier on her addiction, I was fixated on her recovery. I talked about her recovery as much as I did her addiction. Because she was doing good, I felt good, too. I rode that pink cloud for a year.

Then, in this last year, I started realizing I was replacing her addiction/recovery with other people's issues. I was still working hard at keeping my side of the street clean, but my mind and thoughts kept wandering to others.

I was taking the inventory of others.

It's taken me this entire past year to learn to say and think "that is their issue." In total, it's taken me five years to get to this place.

To answer the original question:

I can't answer for or to "we", only myself.

I don't reconcile anything between an active addict/enabler, recovering addict/enabler, and myself.

I take my own inventory and leave it at that.

SeekingGrowth

There is a line between healthy loving behavior and co-dependency. Addiction turns the normal rules of love and loyalty upside down, and can draw a naturally loving and generous person into a co-dependent place. I think that this is especially true when the enabler is a parent and the addict is an adult child. As a parent raising a child, your role is to be involved – know who their friends are, search their rooms if you suspected drug use, intercede with teachers and get tutors if necessary, and basically save them from themselves because their judgment is not sufficiently mature to allow them to make wise decisions. That is what GOOD parents do. However, as the child matures (at least in years) to the age of 19, 20, and beyond, and becomes an addict, what was once good parenting is now labeled “co-dependency.” And because addiction involves lies and manipulation, and because you LOVE the addict and want to believe, you get gradually drawn past the point of “good parenting” and into an unhealthy place. We need to learn to do the OPPOSITE of what love would suggest, by turning our back on the addict and allowing him to self-destruct. And because we do in fact love our addicts, behaving in such an “unloving” manner (for the benefit of ourselves and hopefully our addict) is excruciatingly painful.

I think we should be careful not to label every expression of love towards the addict as co-dependence and therefore “sickness.” While I don’t deny that the illness of codependency exists, I suspect that many of us are simply loving, generous people who unfortunately love an addict, and the nature of addiction has drawn us past the point of healthy loving and into a dark place. To correct the imbalance in the relationship, we know that we have to do the opposite of what we want to do for the person we love. We cannot be giving. We cannot help/rescue. We have to watch our addict become homeless even though we have beds in our home. We have to watch him go hungry even though we have food. We know that this is the right path, but it doesn’t feel right. And we worry that his desperation will drive him to self-destruct even more, perhaps even die. Is it “co-dependent” to occasionally ask his friend how he’s doing? Or to occasionally check your phone app to see where he is because you worry about his safety? I don’t think so. I think that that’s just love. Now if you start obsessing, checking that app every day, and spending much of your time each day trying to control and/or focus on him, you’ve crossed the line into an unhealthy place. But I don’t think we should be hard on ourselves for occasionally checking up on what’s going on with our addict when the opportunity to do so presents itself.

outtolunch

I never considered myself remotely codependent before I learned my daughter was into drugs. That event triggered a sleeping giant within me that if left unchecked, likely would have killed me.

I am a reasonably well balanced, mild-mannered, middle-age woman who has never even had a parking ticket. Yet, I stormed into crack houses, imposed myself between dealers and my daughter. I tackled grown men on my front lawn. I know what it's like to lie on my stomach , elbow deep into duct work looking for my daughter's stash. I can remove doors in a minute. I can search a room for drugs better than a blood hound. I can read just about anything upside down and memorize phone and license plate numbers with a glance. Eventually, I got so good at codependency, I could read minds and fortell the future.

One night I actually physically tied my adult daughter to me to hold on.

I used every bit of leverage I thought I had and manipulated my daughter into rehabs. I spent serious $ 6 figures on private detectives, ERs, inpatient hospitalizations, interventions, rehabs, therapists, psychiatrists, lawyers and prescribed medications to fix my daughter. I negotiated with Parole Officers and the Police. I financially enabled ( manipulated) my daughter's one time out of state BF who I thought could help my daughter. ( He's so darn well balanced that he saw right through me). Heck, I paid my daughter to not use.

I rationalized all thefts of property, money, checks, credit cards and idetenity because I did not want to ruin her life.

I started smoking ( cigs) again. I neglected myself. I came down with a nasty case of Shingles. My hair was falling out by the handful. I was incapable of a single thought. let alone sentence, that did not include my daughter. I perpetually walked on egg shells because I was convinced anything I said or did, or not, held the power to cause her to use or not.

No one thinks they can get hooked when they initially dabble in drugs. As the descent/spiral into addiction occurs, the addict continuously rationalizes, "it's not so bad". I found myself doing the same thing as it related to my efforts to fix my daughter.

Looking back, it was all ego, my ego. I was convinced I had the power to get and keep her clean. All I had to do was support her recovery. I could minimize and excuse her role in all of this and rationalize anything and everything.

And probably worst of all, I allowed my own self worth to become tied to what my daughter did or not.

My reaction to a situation so beyond my control made me insane.

lesliej

((Seeking Growth)) Thank you for your post...

"I suspect that many of us are simply loving, generous people who unfortunately love an addict, and the nature of addiction has drawn us past the point of healthy loving and into a dark place. To correct the imbalance in the relationship, we know that we have to do the opposite of what we want to do for the person we love. We cannot be giving. We cannot help/rescue. We have to watch our addict become homeless even though we have beds in our home. We have to watch him go hungry even though we have food. We know that this is the right path, but it doesn’t feel right."

You don't know until you know...I was brought up in a dysfunctional family, with a long line of alcoholism and communicative disorders. When I fell in love with G I did not know what "falling in love with an addict" entailed. When he "relapsed the first time I used every bit of my heart, compassion, empathy, sympathy, support, encouragement, feeding him, providing him a bed, and a shoulder to lean on, and my AA meetings to attend!

By the time the ensuing series of relapses continued I had already committed my hear...he had always told me that his illness was due to his feeling damaged and unloveable, that people always ran from the real him. I wanted to love this man into well being. I could see his spirit and his beauty and his brilliance...I was going to be the one who could handle it, I would be strong enough and be at his side as he finally got the 500 pound gorilla off his back for good.

That sounds like love to me. Maybe it was my misconstrued dysfunctional upbringing? Maybe I just wanted to focus on someone else?? Hmmm. In the meantime I wrote my thesis and graduated from seminary with honors. I have my small business and work independently. I have friendship, family and fellowship relationships that I maintain. I have my own home, my own garden, my own church, my own circles...etc etc etc. I have a life. And I loved him. I wanted to share life with him, and I discovered...I finally ACCEPTED that until HE was ready CRACK was always going to interfere.

Is that blame? Well in relationship it's pretty hard to plan for the future if the person you are planning with disappears. If the person you would plan with uses ALL of their resources on CRACK.

Do I compare? Yes. That is how I discern that I cannot actually have a reality based relationship with an active addict. Is comparing blame? I don't think I blame...I just made a decision. I am sick of crack in my life, and he kept bringing crack into my life because of the intimacy of our relationship.

Looking back on my original reactions? I have come a long way. I think my original "reactions" were an attempt to help. And as someone else said...addiction turns things upside down.

For me this is what happened...

Love became Fantasy
Hope became Denial
Support became Enabling

And then as a labeled and shamed "codependent" one can get accused of not giving "sympathy". hahahahahahahahahahaha

I learned the symptoms of codependency and I did so much hard work to withdraw myself from a situation that I entered into blindly. I am no longer blind.

While I still hold hope that the man I once wanted to marry finds recovery and that the world might benefit from his beauty and brilliance...
I have taken part of my hope back and pour it into other parts of life. Yes, in my codependency I feel as though I got to a point where so much of my hope was put toward him.

I believe these are somewhat normal responses when you love a "chronically relapsing addict" (read: active addict) you give your love until you finally figure out that your love is...not working, not healing, somehow in some totally twisted way it is enabling, and you are getting shamed for it from your "butt kickers".

AND to even make it more fun..there are cutting edge researchers in addiction who are delivering the latest message..."that addicts need even more love". That is the message I worked with for at least half of my relationship.

My daughter said once to me "well come on, aren't we all codependent to some degree?" yes, I suppose so. I like to think of it as inter-dependent. It's all about balance and well being. We are spiritual beings leading a human life. My spirit wanted to heal someone I love with love. You don't know what you know until you know it. Maybe it is still true.

Some of the recovering addicts around my ex used to say that my letting him go would be the biggest act of love and courage I could do. And you know what...until you have actually had to let go of trying to help someone you love...until you do that, please, please, please...don't come around and take my inventory.

And for me? with the focus on me? (Which of course as a recovering AA we are always bashed for being "selfish", "self centered" and egotistical...for me to put the focus on me? To turn my heart away, to surrender and face the grief of loss??? For me it has been like this...

My recovery means that I will no longer believe that my LOVE is denial, that my HOPE is denial, or that my COMPASSION for others is enabling. This is my recovery.

Go ahead and call me codependent. Call me rationalizing and justifying. Tell me I'm in denial. Tell me I don't know support or sympathy. Tell me all of it...
and I will still stand my ground because I have had very hard earned lessons in the boundaries of my heart and soul.

Thank God.

lesliej

And you know what...Thank God
and thank Gavan too.

Many people in the rooms of AA talk about their gratitude for being an alcoholic.
I have deep deep gratitude for having been/being on this journey. My heart, soul, consciousness has grown in giant swells of ebb and flow.

Do the next right thing.

Grace, Blessings, and Peace to All of Us.

lesliej

anvil,

there are very "specific" points that are brought up in the original post that are personal to me and other posts that I have read. I have since been advised to "block" those incoming msgs with the "ignore" button on my profile which I have done.

I think that, for me, refusing the inventory taking and labeling is a process that is part of my recovery. My being, my spirit, my heart...has reclaimed my love and hope from the blame and shame it has suffered as a "codependent".

Maybe it's just time for me to leave SR...
I sometimes feel like some messages are "dangerous" or harming. That has been my personal E,S, & H...and I feel the need to defend myself...focusing on me.

I also feel like that is sharing.

But alas...maybe my sharing here should be done.

SuzyMarie

Leslie,
I, for one, hope you stay and continue to share. I identify so much with your feelings and you put it forth so eloquently. Your posts and sharing have helped me a great deal.

KelleyF

I come back today and I see my thread has caused a bit of an emotional response. Really wasn’t my intent to be a trigger for anyone in their codependence issues.

The post was not created to single out ANY ONE PERSON.

This post was not meant to take Inventory’ on any person other than myself; but I have trouble with my own thought process regarding the question I posed, and so I was hoping for some insight.

Because I have used knowledge gained from this forum; examples that are both unique and shared by members here…I can see why people might think that I was trying to critique ‘them’ in particular, but that was not my intent. If I had wanted to critique anyone in particular; I would have done it as a reply on their own thread. We are really all very much the same; none of us are truly special in our codie behaviors.

((Leslie)) if I had read about your using GPS to track your EX BF … I may have commented on that… I really do not see how that is helpful. He has been going to crack houses for 20 years. What purpose does it serve to watch a screen and see his little car driving down that road and then “surprise” stop there. Yes, I may have questioned the health benefit; Sorry Luv.
The comment on the posh treatment centers; that was not based on your post; many people feel that way. I guess I get triggered by that because (secret): BF dad sent him to a non-12 step place out in CA where they lived; he spent close to 150k for 3 months. It is what it is….. to each their own…
But likewise, you posted a very good article the other day; and I sincerely thanked you for that. You are important to this forum.

But now back to me and my thread….

I am not sure if I even qualify as a codependent. People tell me I do, my BF is recovering from his addiction to cocaine. Im planning a future with him. So even if Im not able to admit to being a codependent right now, I feel like I can accept that Im at risk for becoming one; especially if BF gets off track with his recovery. That’s why I keep trying to learn and become stronger. I don’t think this is wrong.

In my post, I used very basic, simple examples of codependency.... That most anyone (including myself could be guilty of doing). These tiny actions by themselves are maybe not damaging to a person; however I have learned enough in 3 months based on everyone kindly sharing their experiences; that Codie behaviors can escalate to very damaging levels just like the addict.

...many addicts start out with just a line, or just a pill... And end up homeless doing heroin. It's not what they intended.

Maybe if I had posted more severe examples of damaging Codie behavior like:

--------------------------
I suffered a stress related heart attack

I now have panic attacks, and I'm getting hooked on the prescription the dr gave me

I locked my wife in our bedroom to force her to detox; listened to her cry and scream and tried to reassure our 5yr old that mom was really ok

I drove all over the dangerous parts of town looking for my son, when i found the right crack house...I decided to barge in uninvited; that didn't go well

I started getting pain pills from my dr to give to my husband because it keeps him off the streets

I let my daughter smoke crack in my car; after I gave her the money to buy it; better this than having her sell herself for drugs. Don't know what I would have done had a police officer came by

My husband moved out because he says I'm worse off than our son, and he can't take my behavior

I lost my job because I'm so depressed I can't get out bed; I'm getting behind on the bills...

-------------------

The addiction; the codependency starts somewhere small and builds….. just like the drug addict. That was my point. And like the active addict, when we are doing these things we don’t recognize it, or want to stop… but once we do admit we have a problem, and we begin our efforts at recovery…. That is where I feel we as a collective group often look at our relapses differently than that of the addict.

That was the really all I was trying to get at…. As a group, we are very similar to the drug addicts…

Several replies have helped me. Anvil your post is correct; and I know you have said it before…

“we work the recovery that we wish THEY would. we put the focus back on US. we accept that our own lives are unmanageable. and that we are in need of fixing. and we are dangerously close to the edge.....”


I do seem to have empathy for the addict; I know this bothers some people…. But I think it is because I have not been exposed to as much damage at this point. I cant really help that; I cant apologize for it; but I am trying to learn to be more sensitive; put myself in others situations and just learn… it’s a process for me.


Part of this post was brought on by preparing for the session with my BF psychiatrist. And I went with him last night; and you guys were all right – it was beneficial, and I think I am going to go back.
Obviously I need all the help I can get… because.........
….. Im gonna live…..MY …LIFE…haha

ODAT63

Hi all,
I am kind of new here, and I really appreciate and respect everyone posting, It has helped me soooo much, really.
I know that I take what I like and leave the rest is an al anon tool, and the moment I take things personally is because something about me I have to work on.
I can take a lot of what is said here personally because I do not like what is said, but I guest that is exactly where I need to work at.
Please all of you keep posting, I really respect your opinions.

Impurrfect

(((Kelley))) - I, personally, felt like you were just expressing your thoughts, asking a question about codie relapses. Maybe because I've been there, done that, on both sides of the addiction fence so many times.

I've had walls of denial built around me so strong, a sledgehammer would have bounced off. I've justified my actions. Heck, there are times I still do...it's why I spend so much time on here and on e-mail/phone/text with friends I've made here.

It was just this past week that I fell down stairs, smacked my head on a concrete floor, woke up several hours later, pain on my right side, but I decided I didn't need to go to the ER (no insurance or $$), I was a nurse for 12 years, I knew what to look for.

After 5 days, with people here constantly telling me "get to a dr", my friend ((Anvil)) looked at the picture I took of my face, severely bruised and said "get your ass to the dr NOW". I gave in, I was in a lot of pain, and being strong or a former nurse was not doing me any good.

I will be fine, once the cracked ribs heal and the surgeon drains the blood from my scalp area on Monday. My point is, this is part of MY codie behavior...thinking I can handle things, that I'm strong, yada yada yada. I am hard-headed in more ways than one.

I live in the same house with an A stepmom, a codie/enabler dad, and a niece who is 4th or 5th generation ACOA. Despite my best efforts, I still get dragged into the drama at times. I try to share my ES&H and I might as well talk to the pine trees in the yard.

Frustrating? Absolutely. Even MORE frustrating when I find that I've started focusing on THEM more than me. Usually, it takes someone here to point that out. Personally, I could care less about labels. I call myself a "former crackhead", a codie, an RA, whatever.

The best thing I can do for me and the people I love is to keep working MY recovery. If I slip, then I slip...and I come here and get re-grounded. That's what works for ME, everyone has their own way of doing things. I may not agree with someone. I just try to keep an open mind, remember where I was 25 years ago (begging my XABF to hit me because I'd get over the physical pain faster than the verbal...and I stayed with him for years after that).

The only thing I am certain of is I will be working my recovery for the rest of my life. Some days I do better than others, but then my signature line by Joyce Meyer says it all

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Kelley, you don't know if you qualify as being codependent, but you include yourself with every "we". You asked for insight into how "we" deal with "our" relapses, and pointed out how "we" are like the addict.

I'm reading a lot of ambivalence and wishing you clarity.