Wearing Down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Wearing Down
Hello all! Been a while. Life is so busy that I don't have much time for internet, but I feel like being absent has taken away my sanctuary if that makes sense.
For those who know me, heyas!
For those who don't, a quick rundown. My husband is a recovering meth addict. Been clean for a few years now. But, being a "couple in recovery" comes with its own set of problems.
Right now? I have two "children." One is our actual child--a daughter of 4. He is the other "child," and sometimes, God, it wears me down.
I wish I could go on tour and tell kids, "hey, your chances of getting off meth when you start it are bad enough, but once you DO get clean, here's a list of bunk you'll have to deal with."
Bad teeth
More bad teeth
Moodiness
Depression
Anxiety
Isn't that great? Yay! Some days I feel so hopeless. Even though he's clean and sober, he's now dealing with mental and physiological damage. His wiring is trying to set itself right. His doctor knows what's going on and she tells him to hang in there.
But sometimes? I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I have to arrange my life around his problems.
Case in point:
I was being tested for MS (MRI was negative, turns out I had a super nasty sinus infection), but that was the scariest 2 weeks of my life waiting for results. Meanwhile, he has meltdowns over his computer not working, his online classroom not working, his tire going flat. I get it. Those things suck, but my "crisis" took backseat to his issues.
This always happens. Always.
I know that some addicts (recovering or not) has the selfish "chip" in their makeup.
I feel like giving up now would be years wasted trying to make it work.
I know I need to talk to someone, to a therapist. I'm tired. So tired.
I love him. I want it to work. He said tonight that he's "losing me." I told him he's not, but I've simply become numb to all the drama, to his overreacting to every little thing.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Maybe I just needed to vent.
Hope that my old friends and newcomers find peace and light. I'm going to go check in on a few threads before I konk out.
xoxox
For those who know me, heyas!
For those who don't, a quick rundown. My husband is a recovering meth addict. Been clean for a few years now. But, being a "couple in recovery" comes with its own set of problems.
Right now? I have two "children." One is our actual child--a daughter of 4. He is the other "child," and sometimes, God, it wears me down.
I wish I could go on tour and tell kids, "hey, your chances of getting off meth when you start it are bad enough, but once you DO get clean, here's a list of bunk you'll have to deal with."
Bad teeth
More bad teeth
Moodiness
Depression
Anxiety
Isn't that great? Yay! Some days I feel so hopeless. Even though he's clean and sober, he's now dealing with mental and physiological damage. His wiring is trying to set itself right. His doctor knows what's going on and she tells him to hang in there.
But sometimes? I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I have to arrange my life around his problems.
Case in point:
I was being tested for MS (MRI was negative, turns out I had a super nasty sinus infection), but that was the scariest 2 weeks of my life waiting for results. Meanwhile, he has meltdowns over his computer not working, his online classroom not working, his tire going flat. I get it. Those things suck, but my "crisis" took backseat to his issues.
This always happens. Always.
I know that some addicts (recovering or not) has the selfish "chip" in their makeup.
I feel like giving up now would be years wasted trying to make it work.
I know I need to talk to someone, to a therapist. I'm tired. So tired.
I love him. I want it to work. He said tonight that he's "losing me." I told him he's not, but I've simply become numb to all the drama, to his overreacting to every little thing.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Maybe I just needed to vent.
Hope that my old friends and newcomers find peace and light. I'm going to go check in on a few threads before I konk out.
xoxox
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry his behaviour is darkening your days, it's hard to stay positive when surrounded by negative people.
What helps me at times like this is to find a meeting and surround myself with supportive people who understand, or go for a coffee with a friend or to plan a day just for "me"...for me that would involve walking in nature taking pictures and enjoying the sunshine. Photography is a hobby I picked up early in my recovery because it is something I can enjoy alone or with people who may want to tag along.
I learned that the only person who holds the key to my happiness is me. Looking for it in other people is just an illusion. That doesn't make living with them any easier, but it helps me get off my chair and off to do something positive for myself.
Hope your days get brighter soon.
Hugs
What helps me at times like this is to find a meeting and surround myself with supportive people who understand, or go for a coffee with a friend or to plan a day just for "me"...for me that would involve walking in nature taking pictures and enjoying the sunshine. Photography is a hobby I picked up early in my recovery because it is something I can enjoy alone or with people who may want to tag along.
I learned that the only person who holds the key to my happiness is me. Looking for it in other people is just an illusion. That doesn't make living with them any easier, but it helps me get off my chair and off to do something positive for myself.
Hope your days get brighter soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
I wish I could go on tour and tell kids, "hey, your chances of getting off meth when you start it are bad enough, but once you DO get clean, here's a list of bunk you'll have to deal with."
Bad teeth
More bad teeth
Moodiness
Depression
Anxiety
I wish you could and we all could tell young ones old ones this, but I doubt they would listen
My thoughts are with you and yours.
Bad teeth
More bad teeth
Moodiness
Depression
Anxiety
I wish you could and we all could tell young ones old ones this, but I doubt they would listen
My thoughts are with you and yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Anvilhead, I totally see where you are coming from. Thank you for your honesty.
He's working on it too, it's just that there are times when things are uneven and we need to address that. I can tell him these things and I will and he'll apologize and we'll come up with a plan. Sometimes, the co-dependent in me just takes it and doesn't put her foot down and thinks, "I'll just go along because it's easier than to confront it." Even though I know he'll get it and I know he'll feel bad and I have confidence that we can work it out. It's just the lows come and pile on and it's one thing after another and I let myself slip back into that "grin and bear it" mode.
This is something we struggle with--me being honest with him before things GET this bad for me. I feel like I regress. It's all walking on eggshells instead of calling him out.
He did call his doctor today to see about getting meds switched. He's on welbutrin and his anxiety has gone way through the roof. Not sure if they're related. I wish they'd find something for his depression that works. I know it won't "fix" him, but it will, in my mind, be a start. It's up and down.
Appreciate all the support and good words. I'm battling a sinus infection and a bloody chest cold. I'm so cranky, but I feel like someone has to keep it together. What a way to start spring break, eh?
He's working on it too, it's just that there are times when things are uneven and we need to address that. I can tell him these things and I will and he'll apologize and we'll come up with a plan. Sometimes, the co-dependent in me just takes it and doesn't put her foot down and thinks, "I'll just go along because it's easier than to confront it." Even though I know he'll get it and I know he'll feel bad and I have confidence that we can work it out. It's just the lows come and pile on and it's one thing after another and I let myself slip back into that "grin and bear it" mode.
This is something we struggle with--me being honest with him before things GET this bad for me. I feel like I regress. It's all walking on eggshells instead of calling him out.
He did call his doctor today to see about getting meds switched. He's on welbutrin and his anxiety has gone way through the roof. Not sure if they're related. I wish they'd find something for his depression that works. I know it won't "fix" him, but it will, in my mind, be a start. It's up and down.
Appreciate all the support and good words. I'm battling a sinus infection and a bloody chest cold. I'm so cranky, but I feel like someone has to keep it together. What a way to start spring break, eh?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome back. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. It sounds like everything is piled up on you, and the sinus infection and chest cold doesn't help. It's time to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get better. What would help? A hot bath? Breathing some steam? A massage?
Your husband can worry about his Wellbutrin and his anxiety-it's his issue. Just because he is in recovery doesn't mean that he can't do his part to help you out. How about sending him out for some chicken soup and crackers?
I understand what you are saying. My RABF also whines and complains that he is so tired, etc. He is over 2 years recovery from pain pills. I think part of that whining and complaining is just in his personality. Sometimes, I have to stop and tell him exactly what I need from him at that moment. That is really hard for me to do. I feel bad asking someone else for help and I feel that I'm going to burden him. Plus, I don't want to hear him complain. But, now that you are sick, it is a good time to stop and ask him for help.
Last time I was sick, I felt a little bad about asking RABF to go to the store and get me stuff for a stomach illness. If I write that, I feel silly, but it's just the way I am. I also had to ask him to do some extra work around the house. It was necessary because I was too ill to do it myself.
I hope you feel better really soon.
Your husband can worry about his Wellbutrin and his anxiety-it's his issue. Just because he is in recovery doesn't mean that he can't do his part to help you out. How about sending him out for some chicken soup and crackers?
I understand what you are saying. My RABF also whines and complains that he is so tired, etc. He is over 2 years recovery from pain pills. I think part of that whining and complaining is just in his personality. Sometimes, I have to stop and tell him exactly what I need from him at that moment. That is really hard for me to do. I feel bad asking someone else for help and I feel that I'm going to burden him. Plus, I don't want to hear him complain. But, now that you are sick, it is a good time to stop and ask him for help.
Last time I was sick, I felt a little bad about asking RABF to go to the store and get me stuff for a stomach illness. If I write that, I feel silly, but it's just the way I am. I also had to ask him to do some extra work around the house. It was necessary because I was too ill to do it myself.
I hope you feel better really soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Hey all. Thank you for the replies. Good grief, as if things weren't bad enough, I came down with the worst flu I can remember having. You know what's bad? The first thing that crossed my mind was, "I hope my husband doesn't get this" because a mild cold for him is the end of the world, the flu would have utterly "done me in."
Fortunately, he did not get it.
And, he stepped up hardcore to not only take care of me, but take care of the housework, including dishes, laundry and watching our daughter. When I get sick I get very "honest" and I flat out told him that I was doing the lion's share and I was too tired to keep up with it anymore. He stepped up.
He also went to see his doctor and was put on a mood stabilizer. He's weaning off the welbutrin and they'll start him on something else. But, just the mood stabilizer has made the BIGGEST difference. Holy Cow. He's been as close to "normal" as he possibly can be.
Anyway, I've had this flu for over a week. Finally coming down off it. The antibiotics I was taking for the sinus infection weren't cutting the mustard and the infection itself opened the door for me to contract everything under the sun. So, yay me! I got the flu. I will never take it so lightly again! I was utterly miserable.
Finally feeling better. I didn't want it to seem like I did a hit-and-run post.
Bluebelle, I think you are spot on about complaining. He is VERY good at complaining, and sometimes it really drags me down. I've told him this and his reply is that he is just venting and thinking aloud and to just ignore him when he's being a Debbie Downer. So, at least he admits it.
Anvil, we do chill together and hang out. We are watching Stargate Universe now. Usually do an episode or two every night. But, with me being sick that went on hold. Maybe we'll pick it back up here tonight or tomorrow.
But, I agree 1000000%. I do feel like it's him him him constantly, that his highs and lows take priority and we need to address that. Big time. I need him to own his s**t and such. I think it's part of our personality "conflict." He's very vocal about everything. I compartmentalize. That goes beyond recovery, imho, it's just plain ole marriage woes (hahaha). Well, with the recovery element mixed in.
A bright piece of news (just added in there):
He entered a dental "lottery." His name was chosen! That means he gets all of his dental problems fixed. ALL OF THEM. They'll take care of him until he's finished. I can't tell you what a miracle this is for us. We've easily dumped $3000+ into fixing his teeth. We used a credit card for dental work that had a $1000 limit. We'd max it out, then slowly repay it over a year and do another $1000 word of work. Now, the rest will be taken care of. It's a local dentist's office who chooses one pro-bono case (from the "lotto") a month. They specifically help adults who are in recovery and want a new future with their teeth. Very very happy about this. It's a windfall for us.
Fortunately, he did not get it.
And, he stepped up hardcore to not only take care of me, but take care of the housework, including dishes, laundry and watching our daughter. When I get sick I get very "honest" and I flat out told him that I was doing the lion's share and I was too tired to keep up with it anymore. He stepped up.
He also went to see his doctor and was put on a mood stabilizer. He's weaning off the welbutrin and they'll start him on something else. But, just the mood stabilizer has made the BIGGEST difference. Holy Cow. He's been as close to "normal" as he possibly can be.
Anyway, I've had this flu for over a week. Finally coming down off it. The antibiotics I was taking for the sinus infection weren't cutting the mustard and the infection itself opened the door for me to contract everything under the sun. So, yay me! I got the flu. I will never take it so lightly again! I was utterly miserable.
Finally feeling better. I didn't want it to seem like I did a hit-and-run post.
Bluebelle, I think you are spot on about complaining. He is VERY good at complaining, and sometimes it really drags me down. I've told him this and his reply is that he is just venting and thinking aloud and to just ignore him when he's being a Debbie Downer. So, at least he admits it.
Anvil, we do chill together and hang out. We are watching Stargate Universe now. Usually do an episode or two every night. But, with me being sick that went on hold. Maybe we'll pick it back up here tonight or tomorrow.
But, I agree 1000000%. I do feel like it's him him him constantly, that his highs and lows take priority and we need to address that. Big time. I need him to own his s**t and such. I think it's part of our personality "conflict." He's very vocal about everything. I compartmentalize. That goes beyond recovery, imho, it's just plain ole marriage woes (hahaha). Well, with the recovery element mixed in.
A bright piece of news (just added in there):
He entered a dental "lottery." His name was chosen! That means he gets all of his dental problems fixed. ALL OF THEM. They'll take care of him until he's finished. I can't tell you what a miracle this is for us. We've easily dumped $3000+ into fixing his teeth. We used a credit card for dental work that had a $1000 limit. We'd max it out, then slowly repay it over a year and do another $1000 word of work. Now, the rest will be taken care of. It's a local dentist's office who chooses one pro-bono case (from the "lotto") a month. They specifically help adults who are in recovery and want a new future with their teeth. Very very happy about this. It's a windfall for us.
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