Yep, I Facebook spyed on my AS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Yep, I Facebook spyed on my AS.
This probably wasn’t the best idea, but I snuck a quick look at my AS Facebook wall.
Of course it wasn’t good. Same craziness: Suicidal threats, asking people for a place to sleep, drug use, calling me names, and poor me statements about how no one cares.
I just couldn’t help myself. Anyhow, the good thing is that it is not bringing me down. I hate to say it, but I thought to myself. HA! Now you know how it feels to have to take care of yourself. No more coming home wasted and putting your feet up on my couch watching Netflix!
He does call a few times a day and I ignore it-still have the answering machine off.
I do think that from now on, I should resist the urge to look at Facebook. It feels like I cheated on the no contact rule. I said before it is easier for me not to know what is going on, and I need to stay strong on that.
Darn Facebook!
Of course it wasn’t good. Same craziness: Suicidal threats, asking people for a place to sleep, drug use, calling me names, and poor me statements about how no one cares.
I just couldn’t help myself. Anyhow, the good thing is that it is not bringing me down. I hate to say it, but I thought to myself. HA! Now you know how it feels to have to take care of yourself. No more coming home wasted and putting your feet up on my couch watching Netflix!
He does call a few times a day and I ignore it-still have the answering machine off.
I do think that from now on, I should resist the urge to look at Facebook. It feels like I cheated on the no contact rule. I said before it is easier for me not to know what is going on, and I need to stay strong on that.
Darn Facebook!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
This is hard but don't beat yourself up about it; looking can be a strong temptation. Now you know and you don't need to remind yourself again.
A small trick about resisting. You can add him to your Blocked list. That way it would take you several steps to go look again because you have to go through unblocking. Sometimes just that extra amount of time and effort will give you the time you need to get back into a no contact frame of mind.
All the best to you.....remind yourself of how good being out of the drama is making you feel!
A small trick about resisting. You can add him to your Blocked list. That way it would take you several steps to go look again because you have to go through unblocking. Sometimes just that extra amount of time and effort will give you the time you need to get back into a no contact frame of mind.
All the best to you.....remind yourself of how good being out of the drama is making you feel!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Hey December, confession time, I've done the same thing. I don't think you cheated on the no contact rule (jmo). I think it's more that natural, maternal instinct of caring for her offspring that drives us to such lengths. I'd guess in a way that you have just a teeny bit of peace of mind in knowing he is alive, reaching out to others, and that he is facing his struggles. Someone told me on another thread that the ugly things my AS was saying to me were likely a reflection of how he's feeling about himself. That's probably true, but didn't make me feel any better, and still I set that boundary.
I looked at my son's facebook only a handfull of times. Not to exactly spy on him (meaning I didn't read the real personal stuff between him and his gf), but I was looking for whatever activity he was involved in. I think I needed to see for myself, to drive that point home in my thick head, so I'd know "for sure".
I don't know what state you are in, but if you ever feel he is serious about the suicide thing, you could print out the parts with the suicide threats and hang on to them for future reference. Don't know if you want to go that route or not, just a thought. If he's put it in writing, then , well I don't know, possibly he could be Baker Acted. Not saying that's your responsibility..... (I feel like I'm getting all codie again!).... but just sharing thoughts.
Hugs and prayers for you and your AS tonight!
I looked at my son's facebook only a handfull of times. Not to exactly spy on him (meaning I didn't read the real personal stuff between him and his gf), but I was looking for whatever activity he was involved in. I think I needed to see for myself, to drive that point home in my thick head, so I'd know "for sure".
I don't know what state you are in, but if you ever feel he is serious about the suicide thing, you could print out the parts with the suicide threats and hang on to them for future reference. Don't know if you want to go that route or not, just a thought. If he's put it in writing, then , well I don't know, possibly he could be Baker Acted. Not saying that's your responsibility..... (I feel like I'm getting all codie again!).... but just sharing thoughts.
Hugs and prayers for you and your AS tonight!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
I hear you, KuanYin
I hope I didn't sound like I don't care about the suicide threats, it is just that I have been hearing them for 7 years or so. I am immune.
The police have baker acted him a few times in the past, and it did nothing for him.
cangel
Good idea.. sometimes taking a few extra steps can make you stop and think "what the hec am I doing here?"
I hope I didn't sound like I don't care about the suicide threats, it is just that I have been hearing them for 7 years or so. I am immune.
The police have baker acted him a few times in the past, and it did nothing for him.
cangel
Good idea.. sometimes taking a few extra steps can make you stop and think "what the hec am I doing here?"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by December2011 
I do think that from now on, I should resist the urge to look at Facebook. It feels like I cheated on the no contact rule. I said before it is easier for me not to know what is going on, and I need to stay strong on that.Darn Facebook!
I don't do Facebook at all, never joined and never will. It's too "out there" for me and I really don't want to know what other people are doing or saying about me on the internet. I e-mail or call my friends and family and keep it more personal. I live peacefully in my own world and like it that way.
My son has been missing for many years now. I allow my thoughts to go back to fond memories of better times, I pray for him and let God watch over him, but when my thoughts head into the dark alley of fear and worry, I make a u-turn and don't hang out there at all anymore. It is beyond my control how he lives today. So I live my life well and trust God to watch over both of us.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I recently did the same as you on Facebook.
I saw my son's reply to his addicted friend's mother--all the things her son would need to do to get and stay clean and sober. Everything was absolutely true that my son was saying--but my son was living none of it. I was angry because all my son was writing about was what I was wanting him to be doing for himself but he wasn't. How could he say all those things are right for someone else, but not do it himself? I called and spoke to my son's friend's mother and was basically venting to her how though what he said was true, I was angry he wasn't practicing what he was preaching. All those pretty words to her yet he had just relapsed on pain meds (urgent care visits, doctor shopping to get more meds, going to the ER, taking 20 pills a day rather than the prescribed three, for a kidney stone attack he was "suffering from", all on my money, etc.). She in turn told his friends he had relapsed and they started calling him, some wondering if he was back on heroin. My son was not pleased I had spoken to his friend's mother. He didn't want his friends knowing he had stumbled and fallen back into addiction (fortunately only for a week when I caught on and confronted him).
My remark to him was "Don't screw up in the future and I wont have anything bad to say."
Now to never look at his Facebook page again!
I saw my son's reply to his addicted friend's mother--all the things her son would need to do to get and stay clean and sober. Everything was absolutely true that my son was saying--but my son was living none of it. I was angry because all my son was writing about was what I was wanting him to be doing for himself but he wasn't. How could he say all those things are right for someone else, but not do it himself? I called and spoke to my son's friend's mother and was basically venting to her how though what he said was true, I was angry he wasn't practicing what he was preaching. All those pretty words to her yet he had just relapsed on pain meds (urgent care visits, doctor shopping to get more meds, going to the ER, taking 20 pills a day rather than the prescribed three, for a kidney stone attack he was "suffering from", all on my money, etc.). She in turn told his friends he had relapsed and they started calling him, some wondering if he was back on heroin. My son was not pleased I had spoken to his friend's mother. He didn't want his friends knowing he had stumbled and fallen back into addiction (fortunately only for a week when I caught on and confronted him).
My remark to him was "Don't screw up in the future and I wont have anything bad to say."
Now to never look at his Facebook page again!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by kmangel
He didn't want his friends knowing he had stumbled and fallen back into addiction (fortunately only for a week when I caught on and confronted him).
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I cannot fathom who my kids are on Facebook. I never ever want to read their posts, however my Brother is an avid FB fan. He is the stalker and he is friends with all of my kids. He told me if he ever saw anything I should know about, he would let me know.
My kids actions are what I judge everything by and having lived through our oldest sons addiction, both of the younger ones are wary and now knowledgeable of the dangers of pills (which led to the heroin).
My kids actions are what I judge everything by and having lived through our oldest sons addiction, both of the younger ones are wary and now knowledgeable of the dangers of pills (which led to the heroin).
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by outtolunch
So confronting him caused him to stop using drugs?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think that tools can be under rated.
The phenomenon of facebook is pretty wild...it is a MAJOR tool, and can be put to very good use.
When I look at the page of my ex I can tell a lot of things. I don't look very often any more, but I do occasionally. Yes, I detached. But I still hold love for him in my heart, and in going without speaking or texting one another I see fb as just one more step.
I have a couple of ex boyfriends on fb and I still go "visit" once in awhile. It's a window, limited, edited, even yes, misrepresented. Seeing the way my ex used to "represent" himself after relapses in the past helped me gain a very deep understanding of the seriousness of his masking and denial. I could see pretty clearly illustrated how much he hid behind intellectualism and music and such. I could see that his fb recovery friends were not aware of his problems. It was important for me to see that. He acted differently with me and it helped to see how he was "surviving".
I think it's all about how you feel after you use the tool.
Are you obsessed? are you stressed, depressed? This would seem like the obvious answer...but I have actually felt informed and empowered. Its how you use it as well as whether you use it. I actually have used facebook to start three different private recovery pages. One for my recovery fellowship here in town. One for my fellow codies from an extremely intense retreat where we all bonded. and, in the very think of my codependency...I had started one for my ex...thinking it was like circling the wagons...keeping everyone on the "same page"...my thoughts were that he would not be able to play the shell game. wow! it actually was kind of cool and he was working it for awhile...but then he drifted down the spiral again.
my latest and hopefully last piece of weening...though we don't text my phone maps where he is in the city. yep. I haven't hit that delete button yet. when i click on maps I can see where he is, and it updates pretty regularly. I think it's a very short matter of time before I quit clicking it...like a little rat in a cage tapping the lever for sugar water...
I will get there. but I won't beat myself up too much on the way. peace.
The phenomenon of facebook is pretty wild...it is a MAJOR tool, and can be put to very good use.
When I look at the page of my ex I can tell a lot of things. I don't look very often any more, but I do occasionally. Yes, I detached. But I still hold love for him in my heart, and in going without speaking or texting one another I see fb as just one more step.
I have a couple of ex boyfriends on fb and I still go "visit" once in awhile. It's a window, limited, edited, even yes, misrepresented. Seeing the way my ex used to "represent" himself after relapses in the past helped me gain a very deep understanding of the seriousness of his masking and denial. I could see pretty clearly illustrated how much he hid behind intellectualism and music and such. I could see that his fb recovery friends were not aware of his problems. It was important for me to see that. He acted differently with me and it helped to see how he was "surviving".
I think it's all about how you feel after you use the tool.
Are you obsessed? are you stressed, depressed? This would seem like the obvious answer...but I have actually felt informed and empowered. Its how you use it as well as whether you use it. I actually have used facebook to start three different private recovery pages. One for my recovery fellowship here in town. One for my fellow codies from an extremely intense retreat where we all bonded. and, in the very think of my codependency...I had started one for my ex...thinking it was like circling the wagons...keeping everyone on the "same page"...my thoughts were that he would not be able to play the shell game. wow! it actually was kind of cool and he was working it for awhile...but then he drifted down the spiral again.
my latest and hopefully last piece of weening...though we don't text my phone maps where he is in the city. yep. I haven't hit that delete button yet. when i click on maps I can see where he is, and it updates pretty regularly. I think it's a very short matter of time before I quit clicking it...like a little rat in a cage tapping the lever for sugar water...
I will get there. but I won't beat myself up too much on the way. peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
My AS could never hold on to anything technical to ever be on FB. It would be so pawned!
But I am guilty of checking my AS's call log online, mostly to make sure he wasn't abusing the plan. Of course, he was. So now he has a prepay phone and isn't on my plan. It's a relief that I can't check the call log, even to see if he is still alive. I don't want to know who he's calling, when he calls, etc. So pointless. I'd rather spend time on SR!
But I am guilty of checking my AS's call log online, mostly to make sure he wasn't abusing the plan. Of course, he was. So now he has a prepay phone and isn't on my plan. It's a relief that I can't check the call log, even to see if he is still alive. I don't want to know who he's calling, when he calls, etc. So pointless. I'd rather spend time on SR!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by washbe2
My AS could never hold on to anything technical to ever be on FB. It would be so pawned!
Sorry to interrupt the thread, but I couldn't resist.
Carry on...
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