after addiction
 

Many different stories I am sure, but what will take place when the recovering addict starts back into life. How long "if" all is going well till the person goes back to work and daily life? That fair to ask I hope.

me too Anvil...

in fact I came back from my "5 day homemade rehab" (my sis and I out of town at my parents with no drinks and 4 AA meetings) and bartended for two months at a brand new bar...crazy busy surrounded by booze and drunks. This while I was also writing a business plan for a new restaurant.

I think the best experience I can share is, (over the last six years of sobriety and two years of loving an addict and working on my codependency), my biggest lesson has been to refuse to deal with "egg shells", I live with transparency and honesty to self.

express yourself, your expectations..."unexpressed expectations are premeditated resentments"...that does NOT mean that it is wrong to have expectations! discover what they are, express them...check in with others on whether they are reasonable, and TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

Im not a recovering addict; but based on what happened with my BF.... when he stopped using cocaine, he relocated and basically went into seclusion for 2 months...from what I understand withdrawl from cocaine is more psychological and emotional than physical....but during that time he developed a plan for himself. After those 2 months, he relocated again and while he did not have any connection with family at that time; his focus; driving force was just to get his career back on track. 10 months later; he hasnt let up on that goal.

Most adults do not have the option of taking time off to recover from much of anything. How else are they going to pay rent and their bills?

Most SLEs require their guests to become employed within a few weeks time.

Your right Anvil, sometimes I know in my head I try to minimize the one night binge and all that it entailed. I want to think of it as a slip. I know that is wrong - but I want to explain it away by all the things that were happening at that time in his life; emotional triggers - like the anniversay of his toddlers death in November, the holidays being that weekend, and the no contact / guilt he had regarding his dad, the argument with his boss/friend the day it happened.....

I think that minimizing it is more 'my issue' than his however.

There was a period after that when he was broken in spirit because he has this type A personality and he doesnt like to fail once he sets his mind to something.... But during that phase he still remained focused on his goals; went right back to work, and started sessions with the psychiatrist....he hasnt missed one.... he upped his game....so I give him credit for that & I do think his focus has remained constant on his career and his personal life.

These are just my questions, but ...

Im not sure from my perspective what else I could ask of him.
Im also not really sure what more he can ask of himself.

Somehow this would probably be a good question during our 1st couples session which is tomorrow... but I dont have a clue how I would phrase it. And honestly Im too nervous as Ive never been to a therapist before... so Im not really going in with any focus / ideas as to what to say.

Outtolunch,
The place my son is at, the advice was "as long as possible" to take time out for one's self. I do not think one person there is paying for themself in the 1/2 wh. They do not work in the 1/2 wh. School work is frowned on in the first two months.
When we as a family began this journey each in our own way. The "enabling" was something my husband and I questioned after attending the lectures and meeting on enabling. Wasn't this Enabling? By paying for the recovery stay. Then again if we did not pay, he could not be there. We had to come to a place in our minds that this was the best form of suppport we could ever offer. Otherwise it could become a big circle. This is our one and only offer in life for him.
So I understand most do not have the option, some do, most do at the facility my son is at. I fully expect when he leaves there he will return to work and school. Just questioned how long for most. But I understand there is no timeline set in stone.

double post edited

This was a question I had too when my AS left rehab. I received a great deal of advice from the rehab on this subject; they stressed that my AS's focus should be on recovery and little else for a minimum of 90 days.

That said I knew they discussed his plans and he put together a recovery plan with them before leaving. The plan was not what they suggested and there were several elements of it that I wasn't thrilled about because I thought he was taking on too much "real life" activity and not enough recovery work. But you know what......I let it be. He needed to draft his own plan for reengaging with the world and I just said "I trust you will do the right thing for yourself".

Within his plan he took my boundries into account....sober = school tuition and support; using = no support and no tuition.

He went back to school, moved into a place by himself, joined a gym and is going to meetings and seeing a therapist. It is a lot....and there are days he feels overwhelmed but he is making a success of it and doing it his way. His take is keeping busy and having school to focus on gives him a reason to be sober and work his recovery.

I think that this is a very personal choice but I see the value for my son in accomplishing things on his own - it supports his faith that he can maintain his sobriety.

Everyone is different but I figure if my boundries aren't being breached then whatever he chooses is just fine.

There's no right or wrong, here.

This place sounds more like rehab than a SLE. What does he do for 18 hours a day? Community service, maybe ?

I know of places that suggest an "underwhelming" and humbling job...to use the time in the day, self-support somewhat, and still keep focused on recovery.

It's a "chop wood and carry water" idea.
Good to keep the hands busy while the mind and heart and soul can absorb spiritual principles such as honesty, integrity, willingness, openness, courage...etc!

oUttolunch.
I am not involved in knowing what they do there hourly. We are distant and letting events happen as they should for him and us. We were given a basic daily chart of what goes on with the residents as to not visist during those times. Knowing they have free time ofcourse. They are required to get up, then the days have some pretty basic bolcks to fill with individuals having other assorted things to do. Day starts with meditation and prayer, education(twice a day), eating times, 24 hour counslor in house, chores, gym, volenteering is 16 hours(more if wanted and they do) minimum a week on campus/hospital, there is a public cafe and gift shop to help in, general houshold skills meal planning /shopping/ IOP,ERG, indidual therapy and DR visits, every type 12 step meeting there is(I did not know there were so many groups) required, they can leave if they so wish to to personal stuff or go home, drug tests randomly, church on campus,lights out at a certian time.
I had a hard time not thinking it was a bunch of guys(girls) laying around vacationing when this all started. Then I came here and read the stories and understood how much work is put into each persons recovery. It is a full time job I understand.
Yes I have said before this is not a gold pass for success, I have no bliders on, I am not putting my happiness on his success. I do think for him it was the best we could offer at this one time shot. He has been clean since 10-19-11 and has been at this facility for three of the months, and he is a very different person to be around now. So all we can do is hope and pray for him and everyone who walks these shoes.

Adding this journey in life was not something husband and I had any knowlege of. We had no one to offer advice during the heat of the ICU trip, then my son crying asking for help. He, with our pay went to a few doctors before finding one that knew what was going on and offered to him to get him in this place. Then the Doctor advised us to pay for this, since son wanted to go. Who knows other then God and my son how all this play out.
We did "Not Send" son to this place, he asked to go, so knowing that "perhaps" he is more into it then the people that were "put"there. Most them end up leaving. My son lives month to month there and asked at the end of each month if he could stay. This will probably be the last month. After that he is signed up he said, going back 4 days a week to voulenteer as an alumni and support for newbies. He will keep his DR and Therapit and NA meetings there.
Again not in our hands, I understand.

It does appear that your son is putting effort into his recovery.

My son was ordered to rehab by the court so he didn't go on his own or ask us to help him get in to a rehab. My husband and I did pay for the 28 days in rehab--but after this one time of footing the bill, he is on his own (that is, if we stick to the boundary of no more money towards rehab). We'll see how that goes.

My husband and I have done plenty other enabling actions that we are in the process of eliminating. He's out of our home now and that is a big step towards both his and our independence. When he moved out I asked him what his plans were if it didn't work out between him and his girlfriend and he didn't like my comment (sees me as a doomsayer). I told him I wanted him to consider his options because our home is NOT Plan B. Time will tell if we'll be tested in the future. I'm hopeful that he will get his act together and start rebuilding his life--but realistic that it will take much work on his part to do so and up until the time he left he had shown little evidence of working on his sobriety.

Another hard part about afterwards is he did not really live with us for 8 years. Yes ins and outs. We now live in a city a few hours from his home turf, so he is coming here knowing the rules. He did not live in this city and knows 0 people. That could be good or bad. Perhaps wrong perhaps right, I do not know yet. So far this has been a positive future plan with him and his Conusoler in that he is not returning to the h+ll hole he crawled out of. He has been to the Recruiter/ recruiter visits him and has been told this is a stable plan when the year passes afterwards, as he is not running away. Others there they advise not to go as it may be a get away plan.

My son left his hell hole, too. When he was a teenager he got into drugs and alcohol, then my husband and I moved out of state and he came with us to start college. He did fine all the time he lived here, but then he decided to move back to where he grew up. I told him that his dad and I moved here to get him away from all the bad influences living there were to him and to be careful. My words fell on deaf ears. He started back using drugs immediately when he moved back. Four years later he accumulated two DUI's, massive debt, lost his girlfriend, wrecked his car, and was a heroin addict.

A couple months after moving back home, he started having a pity party because he had no friends here. All his friends were back where he was a drug addict and he missed them. I couldn't fathom how he could ever want to move back there, but he started talking about moving back. He didn't, thank God. I think he knows how crazy that would be. What I have come to realize, though, is that he's good at saying what I want to hear. What he truly believes and what he says still don't always match up.

kmangel, I am sorry I wish the best for you and your son. This is such and unplanned event for all of us and we try to do what is best. Hopefully our loved ones try to do what is best also.