Day 3 of New Job - Won't Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
Day 3 of New Job - Won't Go
My husband got a pretty good job and was very excited about it.. until he got there. Then he had to really work but he came home and after the weekend, was excited to return. He has made a consistent effort these past few weeks with putting his NA steps into action, seeking consults from other recovering addicts about his behavior, and so forth. But this morning, day 3 of new job, when I woke him up for us to get ready to go to work, he was too sore to go. He said he was bow legged from work the day before and could barely move. (He is a tree climber). He asked me to help him come up with a lie to call and tell his boss. He balked when I told him he should just call and tell his boss the truth and offer to come in late or to do ground work for a day so his legs can recover. He also refused to use the muscle rub cream, of course.
I left to go to work and at work, I noticed on Craigslist that the place where he works now is hiring for another tree climber. I decided not to tell him that as he needs to suffer his own crises. Of course when I was leaving my husband tried to make a joke saying he made more yesterday than what I make in two days. That's not true of course but regardless, I am making more today than he is. I am making 80x more than he is. Heh. :/
I left to go to work and at work, I noticed on Craigslist that the place where he works now is hiring for another tree climber. I decided not to tell him that as he needs to suffer his own crises. Of course when I was leaving my husband tried to make a joke saying he made more yesterday than what I make in two days. That's not true of course but regardless, I am making more today than he is. I am making 80x more than he is. Heh. :/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This is the same husband that expected you to be a porn star to be intimate?
This is the same husband who expects a traditional wife and yet does not pull his own?
Now he's too tired to work and wants you to make up excuses.
Being sober is not recovery. Attending NA is not recovery. Getting therapy/ counseling is not recovery.
What's in this relationship for you? What are you getting out of this big ole baby?
This is the same husband who expects a traditional wife and yet does not pull his own?
Now he's too tired to work and wants you to make up excuses.
Being sober is not recovery. Attending NA is not recovery. Getting therapy/ counseling is not recovery.
What's in this relationship for you? What are you getting out of this big ole baby?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Say folks, there are a lot of replies about him and his recovery or lack of it, but he didn't post here, and I think we should support this new member with her recovery.
Last time I looked this forum was about your recovery (not his), and the way I see it is that you did the right thing here. You refused to cover for him, you didn't buy into his story, and you went to work to take care of your own business. That's pretty good recovery from where I sit.
Whether you stay or leave a man like this is entirely up to you, it's not for any one of us to tell you what you "should" or "should not" do. Our job here is to share what worked for us, our own experience, strength and hope. And I have to tell you that it took me a long time for my recovery to be as strong as yours. Sure, the path is long but I promise you that if you stay the course and continue working on what works for you, there are better days ahead...with him or without him.
I don't know if you have tried any meetings yet, but recommend them if you have not. Meetings helped me keep my balance and literally saved my life and my sanity.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
He asked me to help him come up with a lie to call and tell his boss. He balked when I told him he should just call and tell his boss the truth and offer to come in late or to do ground work for a day so his legs can recover.
Whether you stay or leave a man like this is entirely up to you, it's not for any one of us to tell you what you "should" or "should not" do. Our job here is to share what worked for us, our own experience, strength and hope. And I have to tell you that it took me a long time for my recovery to be as strong as yours. Sure, the path is long but I promise you that if you stay the course and continue working on what works for you, there are better days ahead...with him or without him.
I don't know if you have tried any meetings yet, but recommend them if you have not. Meetings helped me keep my balance and literally saved my life and my sanity.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think it's great that you decided not to help him in the lie. Hope you were able to use all your coping tools and maybe get to a meeting too...Lots of stress in the environment right now, but you know how to use those tools to help you through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
I decided to stop today. Just stop everything.
He went back to work on the 4th day. Then on the 5th day, he quit. He said his boss was an ******* and people were smoking weed on the job. So he quit because it got in the way of his recovery. He found a new job that starts on Monday but it is far away and I have to drive him. He complained that he'd have to be early in order for me to get to MY JOB on time so he asked if I could be late to MY JOB so he wouldn't be an hour early to his. :/ He also said if I made more money, he wouldn't work at all.
On top of it, this morning he explained to me how I am an energy vampire and when I get upset, I suck all the energy out of him. That's when I decided to stop. I stopped, just fully engaged myself and moved beyond him. He tried to taunt me, offer me money, and finally called me a bitch and left with another codependent addict who offered to do his laundry. I am not planning on driving him to work on Monday as there is a bus that will take him there.
Last week I made the mistake of buying him some work items -- food, work socks, soles for his boots. Now I am out of that money and he told me he'd give me his entire paycheck. Honestly, not to be mean or anything, I told him it would be cheaper for me if he kept it. I can't afford him on any level. I am stopping. I can't have my life in chaos like this. I am too young.
So I stopped and am moving on. I went and applied for some part time jobs today and will take care of myself. I cried a few times today because it's really sad my husband chooses to behave this way but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. When I barely have enough energy to go to work and do house chores, it is clear he is the energy vampire. I am going to therapy to make sure I don't take him back and ensure that I can move on healthily. No more, no more.
He went back to work on the 4th day. Then on the 5th day, he quit. He said his boss was an ******* and people were smoking weed on the job. So he quit because it got in the way of his recovery. He found a new job that starts on Monday but it is far away and I have to drive him. He complained that he'd have to be early in order for me to get to MY JOB on time so he asked if I could be late to MY JOB so he wouldn't be an hour early to his. :/ He also said if I made more money, he wouldn't work at all.
On top of it, this morning he explained to me how I am an energy vampire and when I get upset, I suck all the energy out of him. That's when I decided to stop. I stopped, just fully engaged myself and moved beyond him. He tried to taunt me, offer me money, and finally called me a bitch and left with another codependent addict who offered to do his laundry. I am not planning on driving him to work on Monday as there is a bus that will take him there.
Last week I made the mistake of buying him some work items -- food, work socks, soles for his boots. Now I am out of that money and he told me he'd give me his entire paycheck. Honestly, not to be mean or anything, I told him it would be cheaper for me if he kept it. I can't afford him on any level. I am stopping. I can't have my life in chaos like this. I am too young.
So I stopped and am moving on. I went and applied for some part time jobs today and will take care of myself. I cried a few times today because it's really sad my husband chooses to behave this way but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. When I barely have enough energy to go to work and do house chores, it is clear he is the energy vampire. I am going to therapy to make sure I don't take him back and ensure that I can move on healthily. No more, no more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
Yeah he went to work. It was on my way to my job and I picked him up at night. He was covered in dirt and sweat so it seemed like he really worked. It seemed he couldn't cope at work. He feels very entitled, that he works hard so they should pay him more or I should do his laundry and make him food while he treats me like ****. I can trace all this back to his childhood etc but he doesn't. He refuses to get help and doesn't seem to want to change. He is very adamant about his recovery but it seems like an excuse. He said this morning he doesn't want to commit to anything because he wants to do what he wants. So I am moving on with my life.
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