oneday66

I'm so tired
We got married last year, I moved out when I found the drugs and it all started to make sense.
Since then, he's been on pretty much a massive bender, with a few little breaks here and there. He always refused rehab...
I moved into a roommate situation hoping he'd get his life together and we could live together again.. but I kept pretty decent boundaries, never saw him more than a day or two a month because he was such a mess.
A few weeks ago, I signed a one-year lease for my own place.. I just knew I needed a home after living in hotel rooms, this roommate situation etc.

He then decides he's going to kick it, once and for all, and i find myself spending every night with him for two weeks straight.. he was clean and a normal human being. It was wonderful. He was responsible and started to take care of 100 errands he had let lapse from being on drugs. Since his mind started to clear... he started dumping all these thoughts on me, I felt like a therapist... it was overwhelming.... But I did my best.. He promises over and over that if he relapses he'll check into the Intensive Outpatient covered by our insurance... (It's HARD... 7 days a week, plus AA meetings at night)... I spend ONE night at my house.. just to catch a break from the intensity.. and BOOM, he relapses.

And, predictably... he went on a massive guilt bender.. and STILL refuses rehab, even though it's obvious to him he needs it.... and he's out of excuses.

I've cut him off... I am so tired. I can't be his crutch, his therapist... and on top of it get blamed for his relapse "you shouldn't have left me alone, you started an argument... I'm vulnerable right now..."

I'm out of options..he won't help himself and do the work.. I don't know what else to do... I'm argued out... I told him I was filing for divorce this summer.. his response? Another bender (Crack). Since he refuses help.. I see no other options but divorce or to continue this roller-coaster that goes nowhere.

He's an amazing man.. etc etc etc.. I don't know how he managed to not use for the two weeks... I'll give him credit for that. But now, he won't keep his rehab promise... I don't understand.. WHY WON'T HE GO??... I'm confused, feel guilty.... but I just don't have the energy to deal with him and the ups and downs and promises and emotional confessional dumping right now. I just can't. I feel like I've failed.

I'm sorry this is all over the place. I guess I should go to a meeting.

KuanYin

Hi OneDay: so sorry you are going through this. Your AH won't check into rehab because he does not want to, simple as that. He wants to use, and he will continue to use for as long as he wants. You have not failed, it's not your job to be his baby sitter, or to monitor what goes in his body.

****{hugs}}} and prayers for you today.

bluebelle

It's not your fault. He is a drug addict, and drugs are the most important thing to him. He is unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, or to get the help he needs. There is nothing you can do to make him want to take that step. The best thing is to take care of yourself. You mentioned having your own place for some piece of mind--that's good.

oneday66

that's not a relationship, that's a hostage situation.

Thank you.. I needed that

kmangel

Listen to what your husband does, not what he tells you. The one night that you chose to spend away from him and he relapses and then refuses to get help. Seems pretty clear to me. He may say he wants to beat this addiction of his--but his actions say otherwise.

Many of us keep listening to what our addicted loved ones say rather than what they do. My husband has always been less believing of everything our son has said. I would get angry at my husband for making me doubt our son. But he was right. I so want to believe those words my RAS says. Now I'm a bit wiser. Today I had lunch with our son but this time it was different for me as I listened to him talk. I still want to believe him, but I'm not going to get my hopes up any longer until I see his actions match his words. Today he told me he was looking for a job. I've heard that before. But today it was a bit different. He said he walked so much yesterday looking for a job that he wore blisters on the heels of his feet. He was having trouble walking into the restaurant--so maybe this time he really was telling the truth, it wasn't him merely saying what I wanted to hear. I'm still waiting for the job to materialize, though!

lesliej

OneDay...pretty friggin frustrating huh? Personally I felt some relief when the excuses finally started pointing toward me. I somehow always knew that eventually my love would be reduced to an excuse to smoke crack. nice. very nice.

I feel quite free and relieved in my place of surrender. I simply will NOT be an excuse to smoke crack. I am so SICK AND TIRED OF CRACK IN MY LIFE!!! done. done. done.

I pray that anyone in the sick position of being chained to crack finds the relief and freedom and serenity and happiness of finally discovering just how sick and tired they are of crack.

I will always love my ex. But I have taken my life, my love, my hope, my energy and my spirit back from that black hole.

done.

FindingJoy

Time to ask yourself new questions:

Do I want to be married to an active addict that chooses drugs over me?

Do I want to be my lovers therapist, sponsor, mother, Codie, punching bag, etc...?

Why do I feel responsibe for another persons addiction?

Why do I continue to focus on others versus my self?