hope2be

I keep reading the post on all of us struggling Moms who are dealing with their addicted loved ones (including spouses, BFs, etc). I thank you for posting because it helps me stay on a recovery track. I don't post a lot of what's going on because I feel I'm at the tail end of my " getting them on the right track". Rest assured, I'm not judging you for what you all are trying to do, I've just been there and can empathize with your pain. Therefore, this post is about me, not them...

I went through all of the trying to get them help for their addictions/dysfunctional lifestyles for many years. Spent a lot of time and money doing so. It didn't change a d*** thing, they did not learn any lessons and I was left with ACs living with me. They CANNOT mature and take responsibility until we let go. I finally got that part right and have to forgive myself for not stepping back and allowing them their rightful consequences. All I have left to give them is to walk away and live a sane and peaceful life, nothing more.

I am at 57, selling my home and still don't have a clue as to where I will live yet. It would be so simple if they were not living with me right now. But I hung on to my codependency addiction until it became so painful for me that I now need to step up and make changes in MY life. In a way, this is good because I can no longer take care of their needs...I am having to make decisions for myself every day now as the selling of the house gets closer. It's every man for himself!

This whole scenario is so surreal for me because I live in a small rural community where all of my family live on one street. I have to constantly tell myself to trust in my Higher Power to get me through this. In other words, I have to get out of the driver's seat and believe me, I have to peel my fingers off of the wheel.

Today...I pray that each and every one of us Moms can catch a glimpse of the peace and serenity that is ours for the taking.

Hope

Scrapbooker

Hugs and my prayers and thoughts are with you. Thank you so much for posting this.

tjp613

Great post, Hope. Thank you for that. It's so comforting to have the 'companionship' of other moms who know how we feel.

How much longer before you all have to move? Are you going to move to another town or just another residence?

Bless your heart. I know you have been thru the mill and am so, so glad you are finally taking care of yourself.

Yesterday I went to see MY very own therapist. (I say it that way because I'm in therapy 2x a week with my daughter, but the focus is on her needs, not mine.) OMG, I can't tell you what a relief it was to be able to just sit on that couch and vent and cry and whine about MY NEEDS for a change. It was SO refreshing to have positive feedback and encouragement about the ways I am taking care of myself. I left there feeling like I'd just lost 20 pounds. If you aren't seeing a therapist, I highly recommend it...if only for these next few months. You won't be sorry.

Again, thanks for posting the thread. I really like the visual of "peeling my fingers from the steering wheel"...that's a good one!

KuanYin

Hope2be, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts today. I so needed to hear this. Somedays I feel like I take two steps forward and three or four steps back, and yesterday was one of those days. And when that happens, the nightmares/night terrors come. My AS called me (from a different phone) yesterday, while I was in the grocery store, and like a fool, I answsered it. I know part of the problem is me feeling and being overly responsible for everything.

The situation you describe, living in a rural area where all your friends and family live on the same street sounds exactly like the part of the country where I grew up. I know how that is, where everybody knows your businss and has an opinion on how you need to handle it. Sheesh. I can't even begin to imagine if I still lived in the part of the country where I grew up with my AS, and dealing with all the relatives and friends knowing. Oh they all know but at least I don't live close enough to have to hear any of the gossip, thank goodness!

It's time for me to also get out of the driver's seat; heck I need to get my butt completely out of the car, otherwise I'll be backseat-driving! I'm going to join you in those prayers today for peace and serenity for us all, just for today. Thank you for an oh so needed reminder. ****{hugs}}}

washbe2

Thanks for your thoughts, Hope2Be. We moms have to take care of ourselves, too. I'm still working on it. This board helps, seeing a counselor, exercising, all the right stuff that we neglect when so worried about our children. I hope we can remember to realize that others hurt when watching us hurt, too. We can't fix our kids. They can't fix us.
Blessings and peace to you and all the other MOA.

hope2be

TCP - Am looking around here because I work nearby. I'm not yet OK enough to move and change jobs, if you know what I mean.
I saw a therapist in the recent past (insurance would only give me 4 visits. Guess they didn't think I was "sick" enough lol). It did help though bc every time I would express my fears of what would happen to my ACs if I sold the house, she would reply..."they are adults and can figure it out". I'm sure she knew that was what I needed to get inside my head and heart, I just had to know it.

KuanYin: I like the part of needing to get totally out of the car....so true, so true. Keep taking baby steps. I know some days I must still do that too.

You know, we think we are weak because of this codie Mom stuff, but when I think back I can see where I have a lot of strength....giving birth, all nighters with crying babies, the never ending energy of a toddler, juggling time to attend the kids school functions and after school activities, running a household with very limited funds, obtaining a college degree when they were all in primary school then helping them obtain their college degree, trying to keep them from falling down that deep dark hole and last but not least...coming to terms with who they are, unemployed adults living home with me.

Out of all of this, the last part is definitely the hardest because it means I have to take my hands off of them. Who knows, they may even make it out there in the big world.

A wise person once told me that as my children become adults, they are like butterflies..a site beautiful to behold. However, I can't keep them clenched in my fist. I must let them go to see their beauty.

Thanks for all the support,
Huggs Hope

Heartbroken0608

You are an incredibly strong woman. I'm dealing with just 1 wayward child, I can't even begin to imagine walking in your shoes. I give you so much credit for realizing that your life has meaning and making the decision to sell your home so that you can finally have some peace. You should be proud of yourself. It's incredibly hard but you are making the right decision. Being a mom of an addict is definitely not for sissies... ((hugs))

helpme33

Society still blames the moms for all of the kiddies problems. That is why so many of us have a hard time realizing our adult children aren't going to grow unless we force them to.

It is extremely hard and I am just tiiiiiiiiiiiiired of it all. I am fortunate that mine didn't want to live with me and at 19 I told him to get out.

I have found this to be very helpful in letting go:
Arlene Harder, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Support4Change

She is a family counselor and she had to seek help for her AS, so we all know how hard it is for everyone.

I firmly believe this is their path to follow and we must let go and turn it over to a higher power. Which is still not easy, even when we know it is the right thing to do. It makes us feel selfish.

Good luck on your move, you deserve a better life. I also live in a small town where I don't want to be judged and talked abouit so I limit what I let them know!!

Ilovemysonjj

Hello all fellow Moms, Just sharing my love and support with you all. This part of parenting is everyone's worst nightmare, watching them screw up time and time again as we either help unscrew them or worsen how they fall by contributing to the issue/problem. My 21 year old RAS buried his Grandma with us this weekend, all I worried about while he visited was if he was going to relapse. I have to remind myself sometimes hourly, "Let Go and Trust in HP". Daily struggle of letting go is sometimes the biggest challenge for me. I too will get out of the car!
Teresa

washbe2

((((((((((((((Just a big hug for all the moms out there))))))))))))))))

tjp613

Hey Moms out there -- How are you doing today?

I've had SUCH a rough week. Trouble with both kids AND spouse. AS has gone underground again, so hopefully I won't hear from him for awhile. AD is going on a retreat next week for 6 days. If I play my cards right I might just have a very peaceful week. Wow...it's been a very long time since I had that.

My co-worker got me some beautiful tulips (my favorite) 'cause she knew I needed it. Thank God for such good friends. I love her.

Heading out to a meeting tonight. Just thinking of you all. ((((Hugs))))

tjp613

dupe post

wicked

I have been sending positive vibes to you tjp, it seems you have had some hard bumps on the road. Just keep moving forward. I admire your strength.

Beth

washbe2

Hey, Kuan, so funny to not be funny! That back seat is pretty uncomfortable, isn't it? I know from experience.

EJG123

Hope all you moms find some peace. Most days I 'm okay and everyday I'm thankful for you all.

Ann

Another mom checking in with hugs and cheesecake for everyone.

Hope, think of this all as a new adventure in your life and know that there will be special blessings and sunny days ahead...I promise.

tjp613

mmmmm cheesecake! Make mine pumpkin.

wicked

I love that poster!
Ann, I must have some cheesecake soon.
Not the stuff in the freezer at Kroger, but some good stuff.
Cheesecake that has to be eaten slowly.
Sigh.......
Hello to all the parents and spouses of addicts.

Beth

What if we had like an underground railroad, and when you had to get away, one of the members would pick you up for a couple of days of cheesecake and NO CONTACT.
Just time to think.

:ghug3

tjp613

Well, I went to my meeting last night and there was a newcomer -- she was young and so sweet and cute. After the meeting we stayed and talked for awhile and I was able to pass along some wisdom I learned here at SR about creating personal boundaries with her ABF. She was so grateful -- like I had given her some kind of precious gift. Even as I spoke I knew the gift had not come from me, but from SR.

Funny how HP works.

Have a good day, dears.

tjp613

I heard the words I needed to hear.... surrender.... he's in rehab. I can live with that decision. Wish us well.