moving on with relationship after recovery - trust?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I think that sounds good. I don't think you are shutting him out. You just know that you need time before you make a big decision of moving. That makes sense to me.
My RABF was on painkillers for 7 years. He was in recovery for about 6 months, relapsed for several months, and now has been clean for over 2 years.
I found the best thing for me was to work on what I needed for myself. I came to this website, and read books to better myself. RABF had to work on his recovery himself.
I was really angry with him and didn't trust him for quite a while. He had lied to me a lot and manipulated me so that he could continue using his drug. I trust him more now that he's showed me a pattern of working on his recovery. He's earned my trust because he's showed me actions that are honest and true.
Even though I trust him more and he has shown clean time, I realize that relapse is very possible. I have a separate bank account, and I am working on my own career. I think it is very important for women to be independent. My mom was any many abusive relationships, so that's where I got that belief.
My RABF was on painkillers for 7 years. He was in recovery for about 6 months, relapsed for several months, and now has been clean for over 2 years.
I found the best thing for me was to work on what I needed for myself. I came to this website, and read books to better myself. RABF had to work on his recovery himself.
I was really angry with him and didn't trust him for quite a while. He had lied to me a lot and manipulated me so that he could continue using his drug. I trust him more now that he's showed me a pattern of working on his recovery. He's earned my trust because he's showed me actions that are honest and true.
Even though I trust him more and he has shown clean time, I realize that relapse is very possible. I have a separate bank account, and I am working on my own career. I think it is very important for women to be independent. My mom was any many abusive relationships, so that's where I got that belief.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Sounds like there are still a lot of variables regarding your future plans ...and that is ok. *I took time off between undergrad and grad school. I traveled for a while. Kinda like you I'm split between two countries. *I have one parent from the US, and one from the UK... I love both worlds.
I worked for a while and it was a good experience; doesn't mean you wont go back to school; I did.*
It's good your BF has plans and dreams for the future; so I get why he has to move. *My exbf; the one I said I was engaged to; he had the same situation sort of. He got accepted to medical school - the one of his dreams, and I was the one who just couldn't twirl my life around and follow him. Not that he didn't encourage my dreams; he did, but there was just something missing.
So now years later my new BF works at Subway.....just kidding. He's an attorney, but he also admittedly likes cocaine. *What are you going to do? You love who you love.*
He didn't damage my trust like your BF did to you however. *He wasn't using when I met him; but he had only been off it for a few months. *To his credit he even told me he might relapse and basically forced me to go to a meeting so I would realize what I was in for. I have never been around drugs or addiction in the past. So although the meeting scared me; and I never went to another - I just ignored he might relapse. *
But when he did just before Xmas; I was a pathetic site. My friends really just said "dump him" and then I came here to SR and they suggested the same pretty much....but I didnt. *So far I'm happy with that choice. I still get the impression most veterans think I'm a touch insane! LoL
But it's your choice to make; and you have to give yourself time to find the answers. Learn about addiction, recovery, about codependency, about all of it.*
think about Grad school, research career paths related to*Photography, etc.*
Do you have to give up your internship if you move?
If so think about what alternatives there are, etc.
Can the school help you with any other options?*
It's good your seeing a therapist; talk it out. Its not wrong to work through it on your own; or with outside help, but unless it really upsets you, I would still try to keep the communication open with your BF because to me its an important part of any relationship. But*he should also be understanding and patient; and allow you privacy to explore your own feelings; do meetings or whatever you feel necessary. Example: my BF is seeing a psychiatrist since his relapse; I don't question him about his sessions- that's private and some things he needs to sort out alone. But he often talks to me about things related to his sessions. And if I sense something is bothering him, I will just ask if he needs to talk etc. *
And i also suggest eating chocolate; it's wonderful!*
If you are not ready to go with him when it's time for him to go; then together you decide if you want to continue your relationship. If you do, then think of it in terms of the big picture. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. *He needs to go to this school for a couple of years; you need to go to that school. *If it's meant to be; you will find a way to survive the distance because you will know that it's all leading up to a grand reunion. *And if it's meant to be you will both make adjustments down the road to meet in the middle; but it won't feel like a sacrifice then; it will just bring you joy. *
At least that's what I think
I worked for a while and it was a good experience; doesn't mean you wont go back to school; I did.*
It's good your BF has plans and dreams for the future; so I get why he has to move. *My exbf; the one I said I was engaged to; he had the same situation sort of. He got accepted to medical school - the one of his dreams, and I was the one who just couldn't twirl my life around and follow him. Not that he didn't encourage my dreams; he did, but there was just something missing.
So now years later my new BF works at Subway.....just kidding. He's an attorney, but he also admittedly likes cocaine. *What are you going to do? You love who you love.*
He didn't damage my trust like your BF did to you however. *He wasn't using when I met him; but he had only been off it for a few months. *To his credit he even told me he might relapse and basically forced me to go to a meeting so I would realize what I was in for. I have never been around drugs or addiction in the past. So although the meeting scared me; and I never went to another - I just ignored he might relapse. *
But when he did just before Xmas; I was a pathetic site. My friends really just said "dump him" and then I came here to SR and they suggested the same pretty much....but I didnt. *So far I'm happy with that choice. I still get the impression most veterans think I'm a touch insane! LoL
But it's your choice to make; and you have to give yourself time to find the answers. Learn about addiction, recovery, about codependency, about all of it.*
think about Grad school, research career paths related to*Photography, etc.*
Do you have to give up your internship if you move?
If so think about what alternatives there are, etc.
Can the school help you with any other options?*
It's good your seeing a therapist; talk it out. Its not wrong to work through it on your own; or with outside help, but unless it really upsets you, I would still try to keep the communication open with your BF because to me its an important part of any relationship. But*he should also be understanding and patient; and allow you privacy to explore your own feelings; do meetings or whatever you feel necessary. Example: my BF is seeing a psychiatrist since his relapse; I don't question him about his sessions- that's private and some things he needs to sort out alone. But he often talks to me about things related to his sessions. And if I sense something is bothering him, I will just ask if he needs to talk etc. *
And i also suggest eating chocolate; it's wonderful!*
If you are not ready to go with him when it's time for him to go; then together you decide if you want to continue your relationship. If you do, then think of it in terms of the big picture. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. *He needs to go to this school for a couple of years; you need to go to that school. *If it's meant to be; you will find a way to survive the distance because you will know that it's all leading up to a grand reunion. *And if it's meant to be you will both make adjustments down the road to meet in the middle; but it won't feel like a sacrifice then; it will just bring you joy. *
At least that's what I think
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