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How Do You Help Children

Old 03-01-2012, 04:43 PM
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Thumbs down How Do You Help Children

My 19yr old daughter has kept our home in complete chaos for 6yrs. We have established the no contact rule recently, however we have acquired the baby that the State removed from her care.

Our daughter has kept our home in complete chaos for the last 6yrs. Our 9yr old son has had to suffer growing up in this environment. We can see the damage and effects that it has had on him and we are trying to do what we can to get the train on the right track for him

Unfortunately, we do not have anything in our area for Young Alateen.

I am interested in input from others that can give me some good ideas in helping him deal with all that we have had.

We are increasing the time, focus we spend on him. We are getting him more involved in athletic activities. We have talked with a couple of counselors, but they don't seem to offer any help. They just ask him, "How does that make you feel" answer: "Bad". ~~ as if we didn't already know that.

We are just hoping that there are others that have some ideas in how to deal with the aftermath for a child that has lived in a crazy war zone most of his life?

Thank You for any help or input you can give us!
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Old 03-01-2012, 05:14 PM
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(((Welcome to SR!!))) - I'm sorry for the situation that has brought you here. There are quite a few parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents who are going through, or have been through, similar situations.

When I first got here, I read a lot and found out my situation was not so different than that of others..a few differences, but still...I found out I wasn't alone, and neither are you.

I'm glad that you are trying to find help for your son and that you have your grandbaby. I'm sure others will be along soon with some ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-01-2012, 05:55 PM
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Welcome,
Cynical one has some great information on her blog.

I have to run right now, I'm sure other parents and grandparents will be along soon, to offer more, but the blog, is a good place to start!
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:32 PM
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Thank You Impurrfect and Stilllearning!
I have spent every spare minute I can trying to read everything on this site.

Honestly...It has felt like we were all alone and we HAVE isolated ourselves, because quite honestly, we have nothing good to say and we're tired of having to report all the chaos and craziness that has been our life.

Two of my dearest friends have daughters the same age and the pain of listening to them talk about college selections and planning weddings is just too much for me when I'm just wondering if my daughter is dead yet.

At this point....I'm just trying to get "Us" healed and our 9yr old son is at the top of that list.

I will definitely try to read Cynical's blog. I'm not very good at computers! It took me forever to try to figure out just how to reply to ya all's post!
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:45 PM
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Trust me, it took me a while to figure out this site, and I won't even admit to how long it took to realize I could click on "new posts" instead of going through threads I wanted to keep up with

I know we're not right there, with you, but I hope you can feel us with you in spirit...you're not alone, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:51 PM
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I have never felt more "empowered" then I have since I found this site!

There are so many times that my daughter would "deflect" and try to tell everyone that "I" was just crazy.

Man! Sometimes I wish I were! It'd sure make dealing with an addict a lot easier!!
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:59 PM
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See if any of these are within driving distance for y'all: scroll down on the page

Alateen Meetings

Then also here is the Alanon/Alateen # for Kansas City KS, and it might not hurt to call them also:

Kansas City Area : Al-Anon & Alateen - Districts 9 & 10. Local helpline (913) 384-4653.

For your son, call your county Mental Heath Services and see if they have any suggestions. Other than that, I would pull out the yellow pages and start calling counselor and therapists to see if they specialize in addiction and if they might be able to help him, and if they work on a 'sliding fee scale.'

If I think of more, I pass them on. I think you already have a pretty good handle, giving him the extra attention and getting him involved in activities, showing you do care.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-02-2012, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by mybabycolt View Post
We have talked with a couple of counselors, but they don't seem to offer any help. They just ask him, "How does that make you feel" answer: "Bad". ~~ as if we didn't already know that.
First, I think you're doing really well by making him your first priority, its unbelievably hard to live/grow up in a situation like that. I lived with my heroin-addict father all my life and it can have some devastating effects.

I'm glad you've tried to get him some counseling -- keep trying. Eventually, he will hit a breaking point where he's going to open up a bit more...might not be just yet but he will. Who knows, he might also not feel comfortable saying what he wants to say with you in the room too. Try to remember the counseling is for him to express his feelings in a safe place, not for you to learn things about him necessarily.

I applaud your efforts, I wish I had a mother like you who didn't just push her children under the rug and focus entirely on the addicted person. Like all the others have said, please do take a look at Cynical's blog (the post above), even I have found it helpful when figuring out my own issues.
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Old 03-02-2012, 06:23 AM
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I too am the mother of an addict (only child/foster child) and my heart and prayers go out for you and your family.

You are wise to think of his well-being, he needs your love and support and perhaps some family counseling would be helpful, as well as counseling for him. As Laurie suggested, I would seek out a counselor that specializes in addiction and how it affects the family.

I'm glad you found us and hope you find peace and support here.

Hugs
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Old 03-02-2012, 06:56 AM
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My daughter is in treatment and has lived in the wake of her brother's chaos for 6 years. What I have learned, above everything, is that no matter what the subject is, it is important to just listen and validate his feelings and experiences. Her dad (my ex) used to say to her ALL the time, "Oh, stop being so dramatic!" .... thinking that she was just being a typical 13 yr old 'drama queen'. Now we are realizing that she was screaming for help and for her distress to be recognized. But because she was a good student and didn't get into trouble, we were able to focus the rest of our energy (about 98% of it) on trying to control the chaos our son was producing. She was not being heard. She is suffering now because of that neglect (as well as some other family dynamic issues). If you are not familiar with how to "validate" feelings, I'm sure your therapist could help a lot and, of course, there are many online sources of information.

We didn't recognize our daughters' needs until she had a complete emotional breakdown at the age of 16. We almost lost her for good.

Please keep the focus on your son and keep him in therapy for a long time. He has many new skills to learn. All of you do.

From one suffering mom to another -- (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-02-2012, 08:47 AM
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Through most of high school, my son had to live through some trying times with his addict sister at home. Fortunately, he has always had strong support form family and friends and I think it helped him keep the chaos in perspective. A 9 yr old boy may not be able to sort out his feelings and articulate them well, but given time, he may be able to open up to a therapist/counselor who has gained his trust. Do you think journaling might help? My son used sports for an outlet and I think it really was a comfort for him to have his own group to bond with away from his family drama. I might add that he is nearly through college now and is a fine young man.
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