Hurting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Hurting
So my AXBF checked out of rehab 1 week ago. He told everyone it was because he got caught with his cell but I now think I know the reason. Just found out that he is seeing a girl he met in rehab. I know that is it totally pathetic but I had so much hope this time. I really thought that he was going to do it this time. But unfortunately the pain continues. When he was in rehab he said he was working towards being with his family, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with us (he even called me to say "Happy Valentines Day"). No, the complete opposite. The pain of knowing he does not love me or our kids is so great. I don't know how to deal with this. I want to move on but my heart is so broken and no one understands. A year from hell. I just want to move one, someone please help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((hopeful))) - I'm so sorry you are dealing with this pain. FWIW, I'm an RA. I also haved loved ones who are A's. Even knowing as much as I do about addiction? It doesn't really lessen the pain when an A does something that hurts.
Rehab romances are quite common..ooh, we have this in common, we get each other, yada, yada, yada. Though I never did rehab, I do know that I would look for other things to focus on, rather than on ME.
I know it feels personal and I know it hurts. It's NOT personal though. When all I could think about was drugs? It was like my mind had been taken over. When I decided to quit? (NOT in recovery), I looked toward anything and everything to keep the focus off of me. I just wasn't ready.
I'm still on both sides of the fence with addiction...in recovery, living with stepmom who is an active A. If it weren't for the great people here? I'd probably lose my mind.
The best thing you can do is take care of you and your family. He's going to do what he's going to do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Rehab romances are quite common..ooh, we have this in common, we get each other, yada, yada, yada. Though I never did rehab, I do know that I would look for other things to focus on, rather than on ME.
I know it feels personal and I know it hurts. It's NOT personal though. When all I could think about was drugs? It was like my mind had been taken over. When I decided to quit? (NOT in recovery), I looked toward anything and everything to keep the focus off of me. I just wasn't ready.
I'm still on both sides of the fence with addiction...in recovery, living with stepmom who is an active A. If it weren't for the great people here? I'd probably lose my mind.
The best thing you can do is take care of you and your family. He's going to do what he's going to do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
hopeful, I'm so sorry you are hurting. My AS has has more rehab romances than I can count. Impurrfect is right, he's focusing on anything but his issues, and his new "friend" he found there is just the thing to take his mind off what he needs to be doing and give him the excuse/permission he wants to keep using. One reality is that some addicts never stop using. I've had to accept that in the situation with my AS, because I was driving myself insane. I also realized it was insane for me to keep putting my life on hold (or so it felt like) for my AS's behaviors and choices, living life around his next disaster, emergency, crisis, etc. I know it hurts. It hurts having an adult child who is an addict and I can't imagine having a partner who is an addict and having children with him. You deserve a life that is much better, joy-filled, and drama free. I'm wishing that for you tonight. ****{hugs and prayers}}}
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm sorry, too, Hopeful.
You know how selfish he is. You have described him as neglecting his children, being abusively critical of you although you are the person who has the dignity and integrity to hold a full-time job and be a full-time devoted parent and to seek recovery to better your life and your children's lives.
You have described how he drops in and out of your children's lives and if he is confronted about this, how he turns on you.
He neglects his children, demeans you, whines about his life (I am referencing some of your previous posts) like a big, druggie BABY. He is not a man of integrity nor a good father.
YOU have character, compassion, dignity, intelligence, soulfulness, honesty, and genuine beauty.
Yet he has been able to make you feel worthless and undesirable. This is exactly, precisely, and unfailingly what addicts do to us. Each and every time. It is a form of poison injected into our system.
Your pain is real. I know words from anyone here will not now be able to take away your pain.
But straighten your shoulders, hold your head up, and move forward. Make a long list of his actions, his words, his lack of character and indecent behavior and read that every day. This will ground you in reality about to whom you have given away your precious self-worth.
The rehab fling won't last. It's another party for a partier.
You deserve a real man.
You know how selfish he is. You have described him as neglecting his children, being abusively critical of you although you are the person who has the dignity and integrity to hold a full-time job and be a full-time devoted parent and to seek recovery to better your life and your children's lives.
You have described how he drops in and out of your children's lives and if he is confronted about this, how he turns on you.
He neglects his children, demeans you, whines about his life (I am referencing some of your previous posts) like a big, druggie BABY. He is not a man of integrity nor a good father.
YOU have character, compassion, dignity, intelligence, soulfulness, honesty, and genuine beauty.
Yet he has been able to make you feel worthless and undesirable. This is exactly, precisely, and unfailingly what addicts do to us. Each and every time. It is a form of poison injected into our system.
Your pain is real. I know words from anyone here will not now be able to take away your pain.
But straighten your shoulders, hold your head up, and move forward. Make a long list of his actions, his words, his lack of character and indecent behavior and read that every day. This will ground you in reality about to whom you have given away your precious self-worth.
The rehab fling won't last. It's another party for a partier.
You deserve a real man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((Hope)) I'm so sorry you're hurting.
My guess is this new romance is more of a "let's let high together" than a real romance. It hurts none-the-less though.
You and your children deserve better and are worthy of better. I pray you will find a way to move on with your children. Just know that people here do care. Pray your days have a brighter outlook.
My guess is this new romance is more of a "let's let high together" than a real romance. It hurts none-the-less though.
You and your children deserve better and are worthy of better. I pray you will find a way to move on with your children. Just know that people here do care. Pray your days have a brighter outlook.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Let me be the first to echo Cynical's copmment in my own words.
This guy's actions say all that can be said about his character- lack thereof, than anything else. In other words, it's not about you or the kids. He's a louse.
This guy's actions say all that can be said about his character- lack thereof, than anything else. In other words, it's not about you or the kids. He's a louse.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by hopeful0323 
So my AXBF checked out of rehab 1 week ago. He told everyone it was because he got caught with his cell but I now think I know the reason. Just found out that he is seeing a girl he met in rehab. I know that is it totally pathetic but I had so much hope this time. I really thought that he was going to do it this time. But unfortunately the pain continues. When he was in rehab he said he was working towards being with his family, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with us (he even called me to say "Happy Valentines Day"). No, the complete opposite. The pain of knowing he does not love me or our kids is so great. I don't know how to deal with this. I want to move on but my heart is so broken and no one understands. A year from hell. I just want to move one, someone please help!
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. Something similar happened to me in January, and I know it's very painful.
I hope that somehow, you're able to step back from it all and understand that your AXBF is uncapable of the love you'd like him to be because he's very sick. This is not a reflection of you, or your children. This is about him and the disease of addiction.
Whether you believe it or not, you will heal from this. It may not feel like it now because the wound is fresh. You're going to have to sit with a lot of emotions that you don't want to sit with. You may become angry at some point. It's OK to feel all of these things. Just don't allow it to affect your behavior. Do the things you need to do for you and your children. If possible, find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting and listen to the stories of others.
Please remember: he's very, very sick. He's beyond your help. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. And I'm here if you want to PM...
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
But straighten your shoulders, hold your head up, and move forward. Make a long list of his actions, his words, his lack of character and indecent behavior and read that every day. This will ground you in reality about to whom you have given away your precious self-worth.
You deserve a real man.
Amen sister.....I co-sign that 1,000%
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Thanks for all the support and advice. I am no longer accepting his painful actions in my life. I have decided to go no contact with him for the time being. He is very angry at me because I will not let him see the kids. I told him that if he really wants to be a part of his children's lives, he will go to court so he can prove that he is clean and worthy to be around his kids. My job is to protect them 1st and foremost. So... I will continue to got to my wednesday night alanon meeting, and keeping the focus on me. I know I do not deserve this, but I am just finding it very difficult to truly let him go. Although the reality is he has already let me go....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
I'm sorry, too, Hopeful.
You know how selfish he is. You have described him as neglecting his children, being abusively critical of you although you are the person who has the dignity and integrity to hold a full-time job and be a full-time devoted parent and to seek recovery to better your life and your children's lives.
You have described how he drops in and out of your children's lives and if he is confronted about this, how he turns on you.
He neglects his children, demeans you, whines about his life (I am referencing some of your previous posts) like a big, druggie BABY. He is not a man of integrity nor a good father.
YOU have character, compassion, dignity, intelligence, soulfulness, honesty, and genuine beauty.
Yet he has been able to make you feel worthless and undesirable. This is exactly, precisely, and unfailingly what addicts do to us. Each and every time. It is a form of poison injected into our system.
Your pain is real. I know words from anyone here will not now be able to take away your pain.
But straighten your shoulders, hold your head up, and move forward. Make a long list of his actions, his words, his lack of character and indecent behavior and read that every day. This will ground you in reality about to whom you have given away your precious self-worth.
The rehab fling won't last. It's another party for a partier.
You deserve a real man.
You know how selfish he is. You have described him as neglecting his children, being abusively critical of you although you are the person who has the dignity and integrity to hold a full-time job and be a full-time devoted parent and to seek recovery to better your life and your children's lives.
You have described how he drops in and out of your children's lives and if he is confronted about this, how he turns on you.
He neglects his children, demeans you, whines about his life (I am referencing some of your previous posts) like a big, druggie BABY. He is not a man of integrity nor a good father.
YOU have character, compassion, dignity, intelligence, soulfulness, honesty, and genuine beauty.
Yet he has been able to make you feel worthless and undesirable. This is exactly, precisely, and unfailingly what addicts do to us. Each and every time. It is a form of poison injected into our system.
Your pain is real. I know words from anyone here will not now be able to take away your pain.
But straighten your shoulders, hold your head up, and move forward. Make a long list of his actions, his words, his lack of character and indecent behavior and read that every day. This will ground you in reality about to whom you have given away your precious self-worth.
The rehab fling won't last. It's another party for a partier.
You deserve a real man.
Just wanted to let you know how much your words touched me. Sometimes the truth hurts, but this time it lifted my spirits!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hopeful, by letting him go, you can allow an opportunity to present itself for a MUCH better life. If we hold on to the past and our fruitless hopes and dreams, there is no ROOM for our HP to move a better dream and hope in.
Loves and Hugs,
Teresa
Loves and Hugs,
Teresa
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
