Chino

I know it's been talked about a lot here over the years, but last night I heard something new. I was watching a program about the Amish, and it seems this is a large part of their perspective on it:

"Forgiveness is giving up the right to seek revenge."

When I heard that, I said a very loud verbal "Wow! That's it!!!"

Every time I consider forgiveness, I first see what it isn't (absolution and forgetting). Then I consider what it feels like when I've accomplished it (letting go of negative, toxic thoughts and feelings).

But there have been times when I've had to forgive the same person(s) repeatedly, and I've always wondered why. Last night I finally figured it out. I have to repeat forgiveness sometimes, because the desire for revenge has crept back in, and it's always because of a trigger.

This is why I've always been able to quickly and easily forgive my loved ones; I don't want to exact revenge on them, because I truly love them. Revenge has never been a demonstration of love, for me.

But others? I'm OK with feeling, wanting, needing and plotting revenge, but I'm not OK with acting on it. I guess the only reason why I eventually end up forgiving them, too, is because I don't like being the only one to suffer the consequences of my toxic thoughts.

I know now, for me, the process of forgiving means letting go of the need for revenge. I have a name for it, and thank you to the Amish.

Ann

I have heard that the antidote to resentment is forgiveness. When we let go of the pain we attach through resentments, we ourselves feel the benefits of forgiveness...regardless of if the other person even knows we have forgiven them.

Thank you for this reminder today.

Hugs

zoso77

I believe there is a danger in forgiving too soon.

In my case, someone I loved and trusted emotionally assaulted me 7 weeks ago. And I have not forgiven her. That being said, I do believe in compassion towards people that hurt us. Compassion, to me, means while you don't approve of what someone may do to you, you can recognize that we're all fellow travellers in the game of life, and that that person may have illnesses or challenges we may not have.

In my case, I recognize my AXGF is quite ill. I'm thankful, and happy, she's gone. I'm thankful I don't have the disease of addiction. I'm thankful I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm thankful that, unlike her, I have several people in all areas of my life that are emotionally invested in me, and I them. I'm thankful I found Al Anon, which taught me to decouple my codie behavior from the behavior of my qualifier. And these days, when I pray for my AXGF, I pray not only for her safety, I pray that somehow down the line she starts making better decisions for herself. This is me showing compassion for her. And it helps me heal.

So, yes, forgiveness is an admirable goal. But speaking for myself, I'm not in any rush to get there.

ZoSo

Chino

I always believe there's a danger in forcing oneself to feel something we don't want or aren't ready for it.

Impurrfect

((((Chino)))) - Thank you for that!!

(((ZoSo)))- there have been people it's taken me a long time to forgive, for whatever reason. Like the guys who did the robberies at work then went out and killed people the next day. I wanted revenge, but fortunately, the dept. of corrections took care of that.

Whether it hurts me to not forgive for a while? I don't really think so, I just accept that I'm not there yet, but I do try to pray for those who have brought out the resentments. I'll admit, at first, the prayer is a formality, but eventually I can say it and really feel it, and at that time, I'm ready to forgive.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

bluebelle

It's great that you bring this up because I was thinking about this yesterday. This was such a wonderful example of forgiveness. I'm not saying that I am there yet, but I think it is a good role model.

inpieces314

You couldn't have said it better than me. I think forgiveness is something that is done best on our own time, for our own good. And it should be done, but there is a lesson to be learned in the first place, and if we do not learn our lesson before we forgive, we will be back in that same situation again. Maybe not with the same person, but history repeats itself. We need to learn how to protect ourselves from a miserable fate each and every time something happens. That way, we can forgive without any of that resentment or anger getting in the way.

although I do think the Amish people were absolutely amazing, and still to this day, I do not understand how they could forgive something so terrible so quickly. I know for damn sure I wouldn't forgive someone that quick (and maybe never, who knows?) if it were MY kids.

KelleyF

I think the Amish forgave the shooter because they believed he was consumed by evil and it was not their place to condem the person. According to their beliefs you are to forgive those who transgress against you; just as you hope to be forgiven for your own transgressions. They expect he will be dealt with by a higher power in that regard.

KelleyF

I think that in order to truly be happy, you have to be able to allow yourself to let emotions in, and then just as freely let them out. There is a sense of freedom; a sense of control when you realize that you may have been a victim of another’s actions; but you are the only one in control of your emotional response and all future interactions with them.

I realized that in the past; I’ve not really had a problem forgiving people; but along with that I usually cut ties with them completely; or distanced myself as much as possible. It seems like my opinion of them changes and I just lose the ability to trust them again; it’s not even that I’m angry; I’m just done. And I really don’t feel bad about cutting them out; which makes me sound sort of heartless.

Hmmm… that is weird … so why did I not feel the need to cut out the BF? It’s because I still trust him. But why do I feel that way? (Now I’m thinking good therapy question)

I also have a friend that uses this quote ( a lot) :

“Resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die”

cangel2

Chino.....very powerful concept. Thank you for your post; this makes so much sense to me!