stickywater

Hi everyone. I am new to the forum and i just would like to post a thread of the current situation that I am in. I am fairly new to the disease of addiction. My girlfriend, who i have a 15 month old son with, has an addiction to heroin...and more recently coke as well. She has 4 girls from a previous marriage and i have a son and saughter from a previous marriage as well. She confessed to me when she was at 17 months pregnant with our son, that she had been taking pain pills(opiates) for the last 3 years. She got on subutex shortly after she told me this and other than a rough pregnancy and being born premature, our son was ok. We broke up pretty much right after he was born, but tried to reamin civil with eachother. I learned over this past summer that she was pregnant again, and she said it was mine. Although it was a possibility, it was very hard for me to believe anything she said anymore(there had been many lies and unbelieveable stories after we split up). She ended up having a miscarriage back in October(about 20 weeks along)...she told me that she felt as if she was down to a low enough dose of subutex that she could quit cold turkey. Of course she got sick, and started w/d. This is why she thinks she miscarried, and most likely is the reason. I didn't learn until a month later that after that miscarriage, she had started using IV heroin. She was using about .15 grams every 3 hours...so 2-3 grams a day. and she only is 115 lbs. Sparing you all the drama and detail, I told her I could not let her take my son anymore and we both had hired attorneys. She would take our son and her girls with to buy drugs, and obviously she was driving while under the influence...although she stated that she is fine and just uses not to get sick, to maintain. Well I have done a lot of research on addiction, and had an awesome councellor from last May thru October. I had no choice but to say something to my Supervisor at work (we both work in healthcare, same hospital different areas) because knowing what she was doing a patient could get hurt and that would be on me. I needed to protect myself. She no longer is working there as she refused a drug test. I felt like i was cornered into going to CPS because i was afraid she was going to come take our son from me and i just wanted him to be in a safe environment. I didnt want to do any of these things, but i felt like i had to do what was best for our son. But I have a problem myself...I always seem to end up following my heart instead of my head. I care about her and love her, as she is the mother of my son. I didnt have the heart to go through with court proceedings with my attorney, as she would have been crushed even further. There is so much stuff i am leaving out, but let me get to where we are at now. Back in Early January, i told her how I felt and I had to tell her why I did all the things I did, even though I knew she may not see it the way i saw it. She seemed to understand. then she told me she was back on the subutex, but i knew better that to believe that. But i did not say anything more about it. So things seem to be going a bit better between us, but i can tell that she is still using. We we decided to try and work things out between us, and she wanted our relationship to be "exclusive." So we make it official. I got a call from her friday january 13, she was in w/d asking for help. I picked her up, and took her to the Emergency Room. That is the only way i knew to get her help. She finished a 35 day rehab program at a legit well know place. The first call that i got from her was probably 4 days after she was sent to rehab, and i really did not even recognize her voice, which is a good thing. she sounded good. i have never known her to be off drugs, and it was a trip. I took my son to go visit her on visiting days, and she looked good, and seem to be doing much better. Before exiting rehab, she decided to go to aftercare, a sober living in cali for 90 days. I know this is awesome, and i am very proud of her for doing this. I know there is no cure for the disease of addiction, so I hope for the best but expect the worst. I am doing my best to support her, but it has been hard. i dont really know what to expect when she does come home. we do not live together, but she had mentioned things like marriage and all that but i am a bit weary. i dont want to rush into anything. communication has been at a minimum now that she has been at the sober living for almost 2 weeks. i'll get a text from her every so often and i have only have talked to her once or twice since she has been there. its like the realtionship is on hold for now, but i understand that it is something that doesnt need to be brought up or discussed right now. i imagine they are keeping her real busy and all. i have been to a couple al anons and just started seeing a private counselor as well. thank you for reading...i know this is a bit lengthy. i just really dont know what to expect when she comes back home since we never were together while she was using heroin and coke...

outtolunch

Where are the 4 girls and you son, right now?

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR. There is much good support here and a lot of experience.

Your girlfriend is at the starting gate of recovery. Please keep that in mind as you make any commitments. Whether she becomes a recovering addict is yet to be seen. I think most people with experience with addicts will advise you to make no legal commitment such as marriage and also to protect against any having any more children with her during the next two to three years.

As well, you are at the starting gate of codependency recovery. You have much to learn about yourself and about how to set firm boundaries with addicts and about our difficulty distinguishing reality from illusion in relationship with addicts.

It's good you are reaching out. Since she is the mother of your child, you will always be bound in some way to an addict. So it's very good you have begun recovery. It will need to be for life, as you will co-parent with an addict from now on.

Again, welcome.

stickywater

my son is with me, and her girls are with their dad or stay with my GF's mom

stickywater

thank you, i appreciate your words and help!

cmc

Welcome to SR.

When you get the chance you might want to take a look at some of the sticky threads at the top of the page. There are lots of good resources & information about this disease that will be of help.

stickywater

thank you cmc!

stickywater

so i recieved a call from my RA GF on friday. we discussed up coming court stuff and she told be that the SL she is staying at had took her phone and IPAD for a week and told her that she needs to focus on her healing. she told me that she and some others were doing "whippets"...i did not dwell on that matter and moved on quickly to the next topic of discussion. although i did not interrogate her about doing "whippets" and I left it alone, it does still concern me quite a bit. i just feel like she is not taking this as serious as she should be. any comments would be helpful, thanks!

KelleyF

Whats a whippet ?

YearForMe

whippets are inhaling the aerosol charge from a can of whipped cream
ie: a form of huffing

It is one of the things Demi Moore was doing when she had her seizure a month or so ago.

Stickywater...are you paying attention to her actions? Don't listen to her words....listen to her actions.

Clean and sober and in recovery means NO drug behavior...no alcohol...no drugs of any kind.....PERIOD

Hopefully she is still at the SL and will learn to change her addictive behaviors.

stickywater

i totally get what you are saying YearForME. yes, actions speak much louder than words. and her actions have shown me nothing. she has been in SL 19 days out of a 90 day minimum. honestly i really do not want to even talk to her anymore and just let her focus on herself in SL. should i avoid her calls and just not even answer? and i know this is a ways off, but when she comes home i really dont feel safe just sending our son back with her right away. i have time to figure it out, maybe just have him see her while i am there with? and i dont really know where i should be in my relationship with her. do i stay? do i go? we just barely started to work on our relationship just before she went into rehab in january, so its like all that is just on "pause"

YearForMe

Stickywater,

Relapse is always a possibility, especially early on. She is trying to learn a whole new way to cope with life on life's terms. She may not "get it" the first time, the second time the 20th time.

Until YOU learn as much as you can about addiction, I think you will always be in a vulnerable and precarious situation.

Based on that, I don't think there is any way that you can make any decisions about anything.....other than to decide to put some solid boundries to protect your son, yourself....and most of all (to whatever extent possible) your heart...until such time as she has proven that she has these tools well learned and in place.

Rehab is not a cure. I learned that one the hard way with my daughter. Addiction is forever. But recovery can be forever too....she just has to want it...and want it bad.

In my way of thinking....doing Whippets in SL still shows the drug behavior.
They are taught People, Places and Things. To be sober and in recovery means giving up the people, places and things that they had while using. As well as anything that could be a trigger to use, or to start a new addiction....like casinos, bars...etc.

Some addicts will replace one addiction with another. Her drug of choice was heroin, but she could replace that with excessive shopping, or gambling or something else. She needs to learn how to use the coping tools she was given in rehab to identify and stay away from anything that is not condusive to sobriety and recovery.

From my experience....addicts in recovery, who are embracing their recovery....and working their program....are humble, feel guilt and shame and take proactive steps with humility to attempt to un-do the damage their addiction caused. They do this by cleaning up their own problems, accepting and living within healthy boundries set by the loved ones.
And when they are doing this....it is my experience that you will KNOW. Their efforts will shine like a beacon in the night. There will be no question. Then comes the sustainability portion....they need to do this for quite some time....

The most loving and solid thing you can do is to set healthy boundries for YOURSELF and for your son. In doing so, you are loving her. Even if you decide to end things with her, you are loving yourself first....protecting and loving your son....and loving her.

I would suggest one year from the time she gets out of SL. If she can sustain her sobriety and recovery for one year and get that down solid...then you could start thinking about, working on....your relationship from that NEW and HEALTHY starting point.

stickywater

thank you YearForMe, for your wise words and for sharing your experience. looks like i have some things to consider. i have been researching addiction and learning more and more everyday. this forum has helped out tremendously. reading the stories, relating on so many levels. at times i feel like i am just driving myself more crazy with the amount of research i do. i totally get what you are saying, and i know from your experience that you understand how confusing and hard it is. i am vulnerable and precarious right now, no doubt! i will have to learn how to set these boundaries. i do not see humility yet in her. she seemed to be a bit "cocky" in a way, in the time that i had spent visiting with her while she was in rehab. she has vocalized a lot of things to me that make it seem like she is learning about her recovery, learning about herself and her addiction. but i am yet to see any actions other than her taking the steps to go to rehab and get into an SL. i need to learn about boundaries and how to set them.

bluebelle

If she is doing whippets, then she is not sober. She's learned the right words to say. They are teaching her the phrases of recovery in her rehab. Just because she can say the right words, it does not mean that she is serious about recovery. My addict step-daughter knows all of the right phrases. She has been in a couple of rehabs, and has been to NA a few times. However, she continued to not do the work to get sober and she relapsed. That's why you have to watch the person's actions, not just listen to their words. My step-daughter was telling us she wanted to be sober, but was still drinking and blaming all of her problems on other people. It wasn't all that surprising when we heard that she was back on heroin.

It is good that you are getting help for yourself. You can't change your gf, but you can make a good life for you and your son. The most important thing is that your son is safe and that you can be there for him.

stickywater

we also have a court date coming up at the end of the month in a case involving custody of our son. i cancelled my lawyers services because at the time i thought that we could work it out between us. i also do not trust this judge because back in december after i had obtained a temporary custody order, he dropped it even knowing about her using heroin. now i do not have that money on hand to retain an attorney, and i dont want to risk the judge taking the care of our son out of my hands. i would rather dismiss and if when she comes home she is not obliging to my terms, i can always open up another case.

stickywater

i talked to my RAGF tonight. i laid down some boundaries, and it is a start at least. i brought up the idea that this relationship may not be the best thing for her right now, as she should focus on her recovery first. overall the conversation went well for the most part. i guess she is my RAXGF now, but we still will remain friends. this was a hard thing to do, but she agreed which was big. she also mentioned that she realized a lot about herself after her "relapse" with the whippets. she was talking about how she had not "surrendered" and was still trying to do things her way. her attitude seems better now too, not as cocky as she used to be about all this. maybe she finally got put in her place. this sounds nice and all, but we all know talk is cheap...so i will see how her actions will follow. thank you again for all your comments