I really hope I've hit another bottom
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I really hope I've hit another bottom
I’ve recently learned that some codie behaviors can sneak back in, even if you think you’re past all that. I thought I had it down…detach, don’t engage, etc. I live in dysfunction junction thanks to the consequences of my addiction (meaning major money problems, not able to get a place of my own).
My stepmom is an A, ACOA, codie and everything else. My dad has become a raging codie. My niece, “the brat”, who I love dearly lives here, when she has nowhere else to go, is 18, and seriously needs help as stepmom/dad raised her.
In the past 2-3 weeks, I have had to lock my bedroom doors and cling to SR and the friends I’ve made here to stop shaking, crying, hyperventilating and wanting to be NUMB!!!!! I got stuck at “home” for 2 weeks for major car repairs…not good for me. Got my car back, everything was fine, stepmom pulled out in front of a car (under the influence, but not obviously…I just knew). Dad took his rage out on my cat (no harm was done), but I flew into PTSD fight-or-flight response immediately. I was threatened, physically, but I calmly told him…”you lay one hand on me? I WILL call 911” and he backed off. If recovery has proven one thing in me, I WILL do what I say.
I made sure things were calmed down, cats and dog were okay (they were hiding), locked myself in my room and got on SR. Gee, found out more than an a few people had BEEN worried about me living here. I am NOT in physical danger. I never posted about this before, because I know the warning signs and I’d have been told to leave. I will sleep in my car with my cats, but I will NOT be hit without the cops being called, pictures taken, recordings on my phone, etc.
My stepmom has left town for a visit with her relatives (planned weeks ago) and dad and I have had some really good talks. I told him that my friends here (he doesn’t know WHAT SR is, he just knows I have some awesome friends here, has even met a few) were really worried about me. I told him I had gotten to the point where I wanted to get numb…NOT a good place for me. I told him I will not live in fear (have told him this the last 2 times he raised his fists, but didn’t follow through because everywhere I had to go? No cats, and I’m not leaving them). I told him that now? I have places to go that WILL allow my cats, that someone here was willing to drive hundreds of miles to come get me if I was in danger.
I told him I am working on getting a decent job, had links (thank you ((Laurie)) ) of places I could afford. I am done. I will no longer put up with him and my stepmom being miserable and sucking the very life out of this house and me. I’ve given him suggestions…al-anon, counseling, etc. but he’s a 72-year-old man and it’s up to him. He told me, which he’s mentioned numerous times, that the only reason he doesn’t commit suicide is me and my g’ma (his mom..94 years old). I told him I’m not taking that responsibility any more…there are a lot of people who love and care about him, but I am not going to be held responsible for HIS life.
I hope I’m done…stick a fork in me, I’m done. I will follow up on finding a job that pays more and will work with my school. I have an awesome job, the greatest bosses in the world, but it doesn’t pay enough to get my own place, it’s self employment (NO benefits) and our company just got bought out by another….I have no idea how long I’ll have this job. I’ve gotten tremendous support, encouragement and suggestions (thank you Laurie, Tess, and others). I can continue to live here, go through what I’ve been going through, or I can do what has been suggested and move on and move OUT.
I admit…it scares me. I’ve been here for as long as I got clean..relapsed…found recovery. I’m posting this to hold myself accountable to all of you. I can offer ES&H, but I really need to heed the ES&H that has been given to me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My stepmom is an A, ACOA, codie and everything else. My dad has become a raging codie. My niece, “the brat”, who I love dearly lives here, when she has nowhere else to go, is 18, and seriously needs help as stepmom/dad raised her.
In the past 2-3 weeks, I have had to lock my bedroom doors and cling to SR and the friends I’ve made here to stop shaking, crying, hyperventilating and wanting to be NUMB!!!!! I got stuck at “home” for 2 weeks for major car repairs…not good for me. Got my car back, everything was fine, stepmom pulled out in front of a car (under the influence, but not obviously…I just knew). Dad took his rage out on my cat (no harm was done), but I flew into PTSD fight-or-flight response immediately. I was threatened, physically, but I calmly told him…”you lay one hand on me? I WILL call 911” and he backed off. If recovery has proven one thing in me, I WILL do what I say.
I made sure things were calmed down, cats and dog were okay (they were hiding), locked myself in my room and got on SR. Gee, found out more than an a few people had BEEN worried about me living here. I am NOT in physical danger. I never posted about this before, because I know the warning signs and I’d have been told to leave. I will sleep in my car with my cats, but I will NOT be hit without the cops being called, pictures taken, recordings on my phone, etc.
My stepmom has left town for a visit with her relatives (planned weeks ago) and dad and I have had some really good talks. I told him that my friends here (he doesn’t know WHAT SR is, he just knows I have some awesome friends here, has even met a few) were really worried about me. I told him I had gotten to the point where I wanted to get numb…NOT a good place for me. I told him I will not live in fear (have told him this the last 2 times he raised his fists, but didn’t follow through because everywhere I had to go? No cats, and I’m not leaving them). I told him that now? I have places to go that WILL allow my cats, that someone here was willing to drive hundreds of miles to come get me if I was in danger.
I told him I am working on getting a decent job, had links (thank you ((Laurie)) ) of places I could afford. I am done. I will no longer put up with him and my stepmom being miserable and sucking the very life out of this house and me. I’ve given him suggestions…al-anon, counseling, etc. but he’s a 72-year-old man and it’s up to him. He told me, which he’s mentioned numerous times, that the only reason he doesn’t commit suicide is me and my g’ma (his mom..94 years old). I told him I’m not taking that responsibility any more…there are a lot of people who love and care about him, but I am not going to be held responsible for HIS life.
I hope I’m done…stick a fork in me, I’m done. I will follow up on finding a job that pays more and will work with my school. I have an awesome job, the greatest bosses in the world, but it doesn’t pay enough to get my own place, it’s self employment (NO benefits) and our company just got bought out by another….I have no idea how long I’ll have this job. I’ve gotten tremendous support, encouragement and suggestions (thank you Laurie, Tess, and others). I can continue to live here, go through what I’ve been going through, or I can do what has been suggested and move on and move OUT.
I admit…it scares me. I’ve been here for as long as I got clean..relapsed…found recovery. I’m posting this to hold myself accountable to all of you. I can offer ES&H, but I really need to heed the ES&H that has been given to me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
wow, Amy...you have so much in a spin around you! I so look forward to the day that you post that you found your own place!! I get a smile on my face thinking of you coming home to a peaceful pad where your cats are hanging and you can do your homework in peace and just have space without chaos!
there are the promises in the steps, and they are coming true for you. it sounds like you intuitively know how to handle situations...and surely they were at some point baffling! it doesn't sound as though you are afraid of people...
there are more promises, and they do come true. don't get numbed out because you'll miss the miracle, and it IS happening.
just keep doing the next right thing. mantra. I bet it's a matter of short time before you get some peace of mind in your own living situation. I am praying for your well being...so glad you are here!
Leslie
there are the promises in the steps, and they are coming true for you. it sounds like you intuitively know how to handle situations...and surely they were at some point baffling! it doesn't sound as though you are afraid of people...
there are more promises, and they do come true. don't get numbed out because you'll miss the miracle, and it IS happening.
just keep doing the next right thing. mantra. I bet it's a matter of short time before you get some peace of mind in your own living situation. I am praying for your well being...so glad you are here!
Leslie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A big southern hug to you tonight.
Well, this is out of left field, but.....what has helped some people is making a collage of the future they wish to have.
All you need is a piece of poster board, a glue stick, and some old magazines.
I made one many years ago, when I was in deep codependency therapy. You would be amazed how much of it came true.
My friend in recovery here also recently made one on a spiritual retreat. It is beautiful. And she looks at it all the time and it lifts her spirits.
May angels be all around you in your home, shelter you with their wings, and help you fly away when the time is right.
Well, this is out of left field, but.....what has helped some people is making a collage of the future they wish to have.
All you need is a piece of poster board, a glue stick, and some old magazines.
I made one many years ago, when I was in deep codependency therapy. You would be amazed how much of it came true.
My friend in recovery here also recently made one on a spiritual retreat. It is beautiful. And she looks at it all the time and it lifts her spirits.
May angels be all around you in your home, shelter you with their wings, and help you fly away when the time is right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, I'm actually surprised to hear that there were healthy things coming from my post
Healthy isn't exactly how I would describe myself, but come to think of it...I'm posting on SR and not out getting numb, so that IS a good thing.
I didn't just post this for me, I posted it for others who may be going through something similar. Despite all the fears I have, I also have voices coming through of all of you here.
I've got to get this week's work done for shool...seems like our "team" is depending on me and my team leader, and that's just not right. Good thing I'm the secretary and I can provide who has done what and he and I will get credit.
I really do want you guys to push me toward doing what I need to do. Warning...I get defensive, come up with excuses, but I NEED the tough love. It's why I posted this. The only way I've made the changes I have made? It was with a smack on the head
The best thing is? I came here, I spllled my guts, and I'm going to bed...still in recovery 12 days, I'll have 5 years and I'll be damned if anyone is going to mess that up!
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Healthy isn't exactly how I would describe myself, but come to think of it...I'm posting on SR and not out getting numb, so that IS a good thing.I didn't just post this for me, I posted it for others who may be going through something similar. Despite all the fears I have, I also have voices coming through of all of you here.
I've got to get this week's work done for shool...seems like our "team" is depending on me and my team leader, and that's just not right. Good thing I'm the secretary and I can provide who has done what and he and I will get credit.
I really do want you guys to push me toward doing what I need to do. Warning...I get defensive, come up with excuses, but I NEED the tough love. It's why I posted this. The only way I've made the changes I have made? It was with a smack on the head
The best thing is? I came here, I spllled my guts, and I'm going to bed...still in recovery
12 days, I'll have 5 years and I'll be damned if anyone is going to mess that up!Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((English))) - I like that idea!! A long tme ago, a friend here forced me to come up with a vision of my new home. All I could come up with was I want a yellow kitchen (NOT the bright yellow, just enough yellow to make it feel sunny and good". To this day, that is what I cling to.
Now, I've come to adopt purple (or shades of it) as my serenity color. Sooo, I still picture my yellow kitchen, but the bedroom? PURPLE and splashes of it elsewere. If I can find room in my bedroom (it's really small) will make a collage..really like that idea. For now, I'm painting small things in a pretty purple metallic craft paint and it does help!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Now, I've come to adopt purple (or shades of it) as my serenity color. Sooo, I still picture my yellow kitchen, but the bedroom? PURPLE and splashes of it elsewere. If I can find room in my bedroom (it's really small) will make a collage..really like that idea. For now, I'm painting small things in a pretty purple metallic craft paint and it does help!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Amy, I see you as someone who's got what I want! I see you in Recovery moving forward. I am cheering you on and rooting for you.
Do the Next Right Things <--Amy said
Not My Problem <--Amy said
My experience of knowing you a bit is that you have amazing awareness and insights about your situation. Your continuing clarity is shining a light for you to take the next right step. It also shines a light for all your friends walking with you in Recovery!
Do the Next Right Things <--Amy said
Not My Problem <--Amy said
My experience of knowing you a bit is that you have amazing awareness and insights about your situation. Your continuing clarity is shining a light for you to take the next right step. It also shines a light for all your friends walking with you in Recovery!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
He told me, which he’s mentioned numerous times, that the only reason he doesn’t commit suicide is me and my g’ma (his mom..94 years old). I told him I’m not taking that responsibility any more…there are a lot of people who love and care about him, but I am not going to be held responsible for HIS life.
Huge, Amy. Absolutely huge.
It's more than a full time job to take care of ourselves. Taking on responsibility for that which we do not control is crazy making stuff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Just an update. Dad has been gone most of the time, for work, since stepmom left, but even when he's here the atmosphere in this house is a gazillion times better.
Stepom called one night, I was asleep, and she'd left a message that she was just checking on the dog. I did answer when she called yesterday, sounds like they may have mis-diagnosed her BIL on the cancer, and did ask her to let me know about that.
Conversation ended up about the brat (my niece) and though the words weren't spoken? She really, really does not like me. Stepmom's words were "maybe in a few years, you guys will be okay"?
Yes, it threw me for a loop, but not long. I'm the only one that sets boundaries with the brat, that doesn't fall for her tantrums, give her money, etc. I'm the only one who doesn't think "oooh, poor baby, she's had such a hard life". She has, but so have a lot of other people. She's now all cozy with my stepsister who gives her money, clothes, jewelry, whatever.
NMP. I seriously doubt she hates me, but have no doubt she doesn't like me and that's okay. I don't always like her, either. She's on the other side of the bridge, still in codieland, and I have no desire to drag her or anyone else across to my side. They'll get here if they want it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Stepom called one night, I was asleep, and she'd left a message that she was just checking on the dog. I did answer when she called yesterday, sounds like they may have mis-diagnosed her BIL on the cancer, and did ask her to let me know about that.
Conversation ended up about the brat (my niece) and though the words weren't spoken? She really, really does not like me. Stepmom's words were "maybe in a few years, you guys will be okay"?
Yes, it threw me for a loop, but not long. I'm the only one that sets boundaries with the brat, that doesn't fall for her tantrums, give her money, etc. I'm the only one who doesn't think "oooh, poor baby, she's had such a hard life". She has, but so have a lot of other people. She's now all cozy with my stepsister who gives her money, clothes, jewelry, whatever.
NMP. I seriously doubt she hates me, but have no doubt she doesn't like me and that's okay. I don't always like her, either. She's on the other side of the bridge, still in codieland, and I have no desire to drag her or anyone else across to my side. They'll get here if they want it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I agree, she may have been through a lot, but apparently not enough to know something good when it is staring her in the face. I guess the best you can do is let her know you will be there for her if she ever needs anything, but other than that, you are not willing to get in a confrontation with her, so leave you alone.
And good thing about the 5 years too, it seems the longer it gets, the harder it is to give it up by using again. Don't give up!!!!
And good thing about the 5 years too, it seems the longer it gets, the harder it is to give it up by using again. Don't give up!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Ame...FWIW, my livingroom was recently painted a very pale yellow (maize in the morning)? and i white-washed the french doors, the floors are light oak...it brightens up the room but not too "hot" looking.
hang in, hang on and stick with your goals, every day brings you closer. big hugs from Ozwald too.
hang in, hang on and stick with your goals, every day brings you closer. big hugs from Ozwald too.
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