Midgit

Hi to all,
This is my 1st post, so forgive me if I make blunders.

I met my husband 6 years ago, and we have been married for 5 yrs. When we married he had been clean for 8 yrs. (He is an Alcoholic/Crack addict)

I am 63, my husband is 43, but we get along wonderfully, same intrests, love spending time together.

After 1 year of marriage he started drinking, and then using crack. My life has been a living hell for the past 4 years. He is a binge user I guess, but at times the 'binge' will last for months.

I have gone to meetings and counseling with him, stayed with him thru both in patient and out patient recovery. In the beginning I bought him everything thinking that if he had enough 'fun' things to do he would stay off the street.

During the past 4 years this man has had 2 DUI's (within 8 months of each other) one was accident involved. Picked up 4 felonies (possession w/intent), possession, stealing (x2). I spent the better part of 2011 in district courts. He is currently on Probation and will pick up a 5yr hitch if caught.

He has ruined us financially, lied to me (and himself), stolen from me (all of my mothers and fathers jewelry - anything of value), cheated on me, manipulated me - all of the things that addicts do.

He is 'out' again - took $200 out of the house last night. Just came in the house and left again with his x-box, games and surround sound system.

I guess I'm just venting. I know I need to 'kick him out', but it is hard - as I'm sure all of you know.

Any advice will help.

Thanks, Kathy

P.S. To all of you 'newbies' - do not rejoice and think your problems are over when your SO or child goes to rehab. Wait a while to see what happens

washbe2

Welcome and I'm so sorry for your circumstances. Please hang around this board often. Red the stickies at the top of the page - over and over.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and what is left of your assets.
((hug))

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you are reaching out, Midgit. You are in full-blown, severe codependency, but I know you know that already.

When you and he went to all those meetings and treatments, did you go to your own meetings? Have you been in recovery yourself?

So much crisis and pain and lies and betrayals. You have been pretty much beat up.

What keeps you there still?

Midgit

English - thanks for the good words.

I think I stay because of my upbringing. When I was very young, I was taught that 'marriage is forever', and that 'You have to work on it'.

I feel that if I end the marriage, I have failed. miserably.

And, like every one else, when he is not abusing he is the most loving and tender person. When not in the grip of his addiction, he finds what he has done
abhorrent. I know that is part of the cycle, but he genuinely has this type of personality when not using

kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.

KuanYin

Midgit, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are so right about when they go off to rehab and come back, the problems are not magically fixed. My AS has been in and out of more rehabs than I can count over the past 16 years.

It sounds like your AH is on the fast track to jail. Best thing that could happen for him, imo, is if he violates and is sentenced to 5 years before he drives again and possibly kills some innocent person(s) out there. At least he'd be safe in jail, you could have some peace, and move on with your life. I know that sounds harsh, but dealing with addiction is not for the faint of heart, as I'm sure you know.

You haven't failed. This thing is not something you can control. But I understand it's very hard to accept that sometime. I pray that God (or your HP, as you define) will give you strength to do whatever it is you need to do. ****{hugs}}}

EnglishGarden

Do you have your own counselor? Meetings? Where do you turn in the hard times? Where do you get your head clear?

My deep concern is that you are not in treatment yourself. And that the cycle will continue until he dies or you die. And sadly, sometimes the codependent dies from stress-invoked illness and the addict lives on, with the love of his life. (His high).

Midgit

English-

you made me laugh; 1st time today! Will live on with the 'love of his life' lol

Sorry - I have a weird sense of humor!

Let me answer some of your questions:

No, I am not a recovering anything. Luckily I never got hooked. Tried things in my youth, but just grew out of it. And I don't drink.

I live in Joplin, MO - where the HUGE tornado tore thru last may. I was buried in debris - my husb had to dig me out. I started counseling at that time for PTSD. Lately I have been talking to my counselor about my 'home situation'.

I really want to go to nar-anon, but there is only one meeting in Joplin per week. Until I retired that meeting was on the day that I worked.

Hubby has been clean and sober for almost 1 yr, prior to the latest excursion, and I let my guard down. Shame on me.

And yes - no matter how long they have been clean they start exactly where they left off. Very UGLY.

All of your replies mean so much to me - I don't have family, and really no friends in the immediate area. My daughter is in another state, but if she lived next door I wouldn't want to 'share' this with her.

Basically, I don't have anyone to vent on or to talk to so this is a great help to me.

Midgit

Thank you Anvil;

Unfortunately I KNOW you are right. I'm at least better off than before I retired - there is nothing like coming home from work to find all your possessions are GONE, and worse - to know it was someone who is supposed to love you that has done it.

Also unfortunately, I agree with KuanYin - I actually am sitting here hoping that he does get picked up and has to serve some time. It won't do him any good, but it would be good for me. Sometimes you need to get away from the situation to be able to see clearly - have your head cleared.

How did both of you manage to kick it? You both have my heart felt CONGRATULATIONS. There are not enough words for me to express how proud I am of both of you. Believe me, I know how hard it is. Do you both still go to meetings?

Thank all of you again

Vale

There is nothing you are going through,Midgit......that so many of us haven't
been through and felt.That is why we come to this watering hole(SR) --- to know
we are not alone,not crazy, but only very much a part of the human condition.

jami

I feel for you and what you are dealing with. I married my best friend when i was very young. We have 2you beautiful children together and over twenty years of memories and marriage. Unfortunately my husband also has a Jeckyl/hyde persona and i still to this day worry about him and try to see the man that he once was. The truth is this... that man does not exist anymore. As much as i love him he just isnt that person. Even though i understand addiction is a disease i still believe that people have free will and make choices in life that they should be held responsible for. He is using you and doesnt love you. He cant because he doesnt love himself. Sad but oh so true. He has chosen this way of life for himself and you need to take what is left of yours and move on to a better life that is waiting for you

oooopps

I think everything is perspective.

could be change to