KuanYin

I thought I was doing so good. For about 7 weeks now I've had very little contact with AS, after setting a few (to start) boundaries, and sticking to them. I was feeling pretty good. Then I got an email and call on Friday evening asking if I could drive him to the Methadone clinic. Seems AS and his AGF have broken up, so he has no way to get there. It was a fairly positive conversation, and I was ok with driving him to the clinic, and actually wanted to see him so I agreed. Took him to the clinic then back to where he lives. That was Saturday. Sunday is take-home pick up day for him. I told him if he needed a ride Sunday (today) I needed to know the night before, not Sun. morning, b/c it's quite a drive for me to where AS lives. Last night I heard nothing. Sent a msg to his cell phone, nothing. Then I called his cell phone and it was "off" , I guess meaning out of minutes. So I went to bed, figuring he and his AGF had worked things out as usual. Then at 9:30 this morning, I get a call from an unknown number. It's AS, literally screaming at me for not showing up, yelling at me b/c he just walked ever how many miles to the gas station in the pouring rain to a pay phone, and he just can't believe I just left him like that. I tried to remind him that I repeatedly told him yesterday that if he needed a ride, he HAD to let me know the night before, not morning of. And all the while he's screaming at me "HOW COULD I LET YOU KNOW, MY PHONE'S OUT OF MINUTES!". So I hung up. He called back 2 or three times, I didn't answer. Finally I answered, again he starts with the guilt trip, telling me what all he doesn't have, and says he is going to just walk back to where lives and walk out into traffic. And hung up.

So why am I feeling responsible for all this??????? Why am I feeling sick to my stomach? Why am I feeling like "I should have instinctively known" to drive up there and pick him up this morning??? I just hate this, hate feeling this way.

zoso77

Do you really want to know what I think?

EnglishGarden

I'm so sorry, Kuan. I would feel sick to my stomach, too. Hurt. Shocked. We are not wired to be able to take our children screaming hate at us. Mothers are not made for it.

Separate out the addiction and the person. The Addiction was giving you all it had, because it is fighting to win. To win him back. To break you down.

The RA's here will have good strong feedback for you. I just want you to know that you are doing the right thing. Slam the door in Addiction's face when necessary, and you are helping to save your son.

Today please please do whatever will calm you. You are a good mother and a strong woman.

keltie

((Kuan Yin)) my heart aches for you. I just wanted to say i am so sorry you had to go through that. It's so hard to be "tough" as a mother. I'm sure others will be along with good advice but I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

ninja

No No No! Don't feel bad! Feel grateful! Quan Yin was watching and slipped you a blessing! Nobody wants to be the methadone driver! It's a horrible commitment almost daily and always involves drama. If he has deemed you as unreliable, he'll find someone else! That's a good thing!

washbe2

Oh, Kuan, I'm so sorry. Our addicts surely know how to push buttons and expect others to not only be mind readers, but be there at their request. I understand. You can seem to be doing so well, and then...a trigger. Then the fear, guilt. You are NOT at fault. But as a mother, I understand how that thought doesn't change anything or make you feel any better.

Join me in reading, printing, rereading, web-searching, or whatever is necessary to "brain-wash" ourselves into really understanding that we are not at fault here, our kids don't live like we want them to, there's nothing we can do about it, and it is really better for THEM if we don't fall prey to their cunning manipulation. They try and make us think any differently to be putty in their hands. When one is seemingly doing better and then suddenly a new "hitch", it can certainly turn on those old fears.

How can everyone else be wrong? My family, friends, counselor, this site? They're not. I am. Trying to get to a place of acceptance. I'm reading books online about letting go of adult children. I will get there. I was once before and you were, too. You are brave and worthy of a peaceful existence.

So from one southern girl to another, let's try to focus on something else today. Just for today. I do care. ((((hug)))))

icutrauma1

When I wonder if perhaps I am letting my xagf down I think of the few times I have seen on cops an officer telling a suspect with drugs being arrested, "calm down", "be quiet", lower your voice", and they do it. They have the ability to be appropriate when THEY know & recognize boundaries. When they CHOOSE to ignore those boundaries it is not due to our actions, it's their choice not to respect us because of the manipulation they feel they may garnish from us. Manipulation doesn't work when your caught red-handed with drugs.

Your son is an adult, your co-worker is an adult. If you were coordinating giving a ride to a co-worker would you accept such behavior if the responses were the same? He has the ability & responsibility to keep track of his minutes. Is that your job? You keep track of your fuel tank, is that his job if you run out of gas?

zoso77

I think you've read enough posts to recognize that your AS's behavior is typical of someone who's battling addiction. And, in your case, he's trying to project what he's feeling onto you. Only I know, deep down, you're not buying it. That's why you have set boundaries to begin with and you've maintained them for as long as you have. You've done some work, and you know how to separate your "stuff" from that of your AS's.

I don't have children. Likely never will. But when I go to meetings and hear stories about someone's child in active addiction, those are the stories that break my heart the most. And I feel for you, Kuan. I really, really do. This is awful. My suggestion to you, if you choose to take it, is to remember all that you've read and learned here, and to remember that your AS is in the hands of his Higher Power. You're going to have to sit with all the feelings you're having right now. It stinks, I know. But they're only feelings. If you can, hit a meeting tonight. Listen to others. Be kind to yourself. Listen to some music that makes you smile. Have something that you love to eat. Go for a drive. Change the channel in your head...

...and before you know it, the day will be over.

ZoSo

tjp613

Why are you feeling so badly today?? ..... Because you picked up the phone.

Been there and got sucked in just like you a hundred times. You are not alone.

EJG123

Sorry KY. Sounds like your AS's break up has added more instability to his life and he's rocking your boat as he flounders. Don't let him pull you down too.

KuanYin

Yes, I really, really, honestly do. Please.

KuanYin

Every one of you are exactly right, and hit various nails right on the head. For a while after hanging up the phone this morning, I didn't know if I should call the police in the area where he lives, and tell them that he could be walking out in traffic, trying to get hit; and I decided not to. If he had of been hit, then I would have had to live with my decision. A few hours later he called again. I'd let it ring without answering in between, then finally answered. Not exactly sure why, just did. I was already angry by this point. He started out saying he'd walked to another store parking lot, was going to buy a phone card, didn't have enough money, and started in on me again for "just leaving him and not picking him up" being really nasty, starting to rant about things that made no sense or had nothing to do with me. At that point, I pretty much lost it (or maybe "got it") and said in a loud voice, "I told you before, no person on the face of this earth is going to disrespect me like that, not verbally, emotionally, or otherwise, this conversation is over." And I hung up. I hadn't been that angry in a very long time. Maybe I needed that. That was one more step of distance. One more negative experience for me that I see I don't need. After that, my husband and I went for a drive, walked around in a favorite shop, and just looked at home decor and pretty things. Came home just now and made a nice pot of hot tea.

EJG, I think you are right, the breakup with his AGF has added to his instability, and he always expects to fall back on mom and have me fix everything. And in the past, it's been almost 100%, everytime he has a breakup, he lands in jail. Right now that would be the best thing that could possibly happen for him, imo.

Thank you again, everyone for all the support. It means so very much. I'm already feeling better, and stronger.

December2011

WOW, that is me last week. I have made an arrangement to take my AS to the methadone clinic on Friday morning, and he was a no show. I got the Crazy call on Sunday night after not answering the phone bright and early Sunday morning. It is a little different because he was staying here at the time, but had disappeared as per usual for the weekend. I felt sick to my stomach too. I felt that if it was that important to him he would have taken the bus. I don’t know if your son has that option, but my son seemed to make it around all weekend partying without a ride. I think it is just because they know we will help them when it is something important. I think he should find his own way to the clinic from now on…The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is having no contact with my AS.
Hugs, and hang in there-it is NOT your fault he missed the clinic. For all we know he lied and had a ride that didn’t show. I found out my AS was selling part of his 150 mg dose to people who gave him a ride. Crazy stuff. He spits it into a cup after leaving the clinic and (gross) and people buy it from him. My As son got take homes because he failed his drug tests for other drugs, so good that your son may not be using other drugs.

KuanYin

Unfortunately there is no public transportation where he lives, and the methadone clinic is in another county, so it makes it hard. My AS does seem to manage to get around to other places however, like you pointed out. I suppose the issue with the clinic is its hours, they open very early (5am) and on weekends they are only open from like 5am - 9am, so I guess it's hard to get his other addict friends up and about that early.

The thing with my AS getting take homes because he might not be using other drugs??? I could only wish, but I know better. Like many other experienced addicts, he knows all to well how to 'beat the test'. His first 3 to maybe 5 months on Methadone he at least wasn't using other opiates on top of his methadone, but he is now. And benzos, and marijuana. I guess (justifying???) his continuing to go to the methadone clinc, uninterrupted for over a year has been my only sliver of hope that he might stand a chance ...of what? Stopping all the other crap? I don't know. I know the methadone "can" work for some, if the person is serious about it, but I'm not so sure in this case. And oh yes, I've heard of many of them spitting half their dose in a cup, or holding half in their mouth, going outside and kissing their gf or bf and spitting it in their mouth. I've witnessed worse (could it be worse??? yes.) when they get sick and puke it right back up. I'll spare the description!

Sorry this is so long, but it feels good to vent somewhere. I drank my nice little pot of tea, and after a simple dinner, hubby and watched a tv movie. Ok, this is the weird part, we watched the Capture of the Green River Killer, and it was such a tragic, but inspiring movie, the way it was narrated. Instead of being depressing, one of the victims who narrated spoke of having hope. I reflected a bit on so many tragedies in this world, innocent lives lost to senseless murders, to evil serial killers. And then I compared serial killers to the (slap me if I'm out of line) big pharmaceutical companies marketing oxycontin and roxycontin that's taking hold of this country, and seems to have affected absolutely every person in the USA in one form or another. I know addicts are the ones who use, and they make choices. And I also am old enough (51 years old) to remember fondly the time in history before oxycontin existed. I feel like Big Pharma is the biggest serial killer to ever strike, and they are going strong. Maybe a corporate tax rate of about 90% would help, with the tax earmarked for about 1 year inpatient treatment, and they'd still rake in billions of $$$. Sorry for the rant.

Thank you, all of you, again. Also, thanks to whoever invented the term "The Crazy call"! I'd never heard this term until I found this website. I always knew it when it happened, but thought I was the only one that "thing" ever happened to, and didn't have a name to call it. It really helps so much to have a term to apply to it!!!

lesliej

my sister says this often: "lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part"

at first glace it's kind of easy to understand how a loved one would want to support an addicts methodone maintenance program...hope, desperation, etc.
is there a deeper level. do you want to be the methodone driver (as someone put it)
if an addict really wants recovery do they get it?

keep peeling away the layers of the onion on your own recovery. it sounds like you are doing really well. hard to know whether he really needs your help to get what he needs to recover? but if he does need your help, it sounds like what YOU need is some respect in how he asks for and expresses gratitude for your help.

ACK! discernment!! sometimes you need a microscope to see the line in the sand between support and codependency! peace. peace. peace.

KuanYin

Yes, lesliej, hope and desperation, the "wanting to hang on to something" I guess. Reading "The Brain Chemistry of a Loved One" literally made me sick. Because it's me. So I'm trying to peel those layers and figure out what's mine to work on, and it's so hard!

I called the local number for Nar-Anon, and got a recorded message. I left my phone number (this was a few weeks ago) and never heard back. I called again a few days ago, same thing. I have gone to Al-Anon meetings way back in the past, but those were mostly spouses and I didn't feel like I really "fit", you know? The closest Nar-Anon meeting is about 40+ miles from where I live. My brain is feeling confused.

Chino

If you really want it, you'll find a way to make it work. After all, you made the effort to help your son get to the clinic. You are worth the effort, too

Heartbroken0608

Look up families anonymous. I found that to be a great fit as its mostly parents. If there's not a group near you they have an e-meeting that is email based and a few online meetings.

KuanYin

I've never heard of that!!! Thank you so very much, I'll look them up right now!