lesliej

I am kind of amazed at the depth of my addiction.

I just feel the need to post, because I am having a craving, a yearning to get some sort of message from the addict. I know his cycle, his binge use having come to an end, his remorse, his love for me refueling...and about that time my frustration subsiding...feeling the urge to hear his voice, accept his remorse.

I just searched on line for the triangle...

Persecutor...Rescuer...Victim

what I liked is that I found another triangle that is the "healthy" version...

Personal Power...Reach Out...Vulnerability

so here I am expressing my vulnerability and reaching out. I know it will take time to get past these cravings...I don't know how to do it, how to keep my hopelessly romantic heart from feeling lonely enough to cave to the cravings.

thanks for being here to let me share.

tjp613

Leslie - Just keep doing what you know works for you. Journaling? Reading? Posting? Yoga? Walking? WHATEVER it takes to make it through the next 24 hours. I've been there, and I know how you feel.

Glad you are here. (((Hugs)))

EnglishGarden

If you love him with all your heart, you will stay away for his sake.

inpieces314

Been there, tried that.

We all know, it's not going to change anything, he is not going to change if you give in.

One time, a couple days ago, I literally asked myself, is it worth it to pretend for a little bit that everything is alright, just to get that little bit of happiness? REALLY?!?! I could beat myself up right now for saying that. Really. Yeah, everything would be good for a day, 2 at most, but right back to where it started.

Break the cycle. Or, since I like Linkin Park better than Staind, Break the Habit.

Impurrfect

(((Leslie))) - I never realized how my codie cravings were pretty much just like my DOC cravings.

I admire you for coming here and posting about it. A lot of people don't realize that we actually CRAVE a person, chaos, whatever.

It was just recently pointed out to me, that I'm getting WAY too used to chaos in my life. I thought I was past that...I remember craving calm.

I don't WANT to accept chaos and turmoil as normal any more. I have a lot of work to do. I do know, though, that I did it once, I can do it again.

I will be uncomfortable, yet again, when I find my calm spot. I will crave total chaos. I just know that if I got through it before? I can get through it again.

This codie stuff is far harder than my addiction recovery has been. It feels like it sneaks up on you...before you know it BAM! There it is again.

You have the tools, you know cravings won't last forever, and if you really think about it? You're craving "what could be" instead of "what is" because he's just not at the "could be" stage.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

KuanYin

lesliej: When you start to feel the cravings, have you tried focusing very hard on everything negative about this person? The persecutor, the pain he causes you. When you crave, remind yourself to think of the painful parts. List them. Try to get to the point where you associate the cravings with awful memories. Some negative reinforcenemt/reality reinforcement might help work through the cravings

lesliej

thanks for letting me be honest here and not get shamed, but rather get some ideas and advice on how to stay the course.

I was doing some cool stuff today, staying busy with my life in creative ways. it is easier when that is the case. when I have too much time on my hands I can start to "obsess" a little. I put obsess in quotes because it feels like it is just so determined by addiction. if the man I love/d would "get" recovery then my obsession would just be pleasant thoughts of him, missing him, waiting for him to get home, wondering how his day is going. but instead of me getting to love the way I feel is fun and healthy, sharing life and creating our path I have to turn off my thoughts about him. why? because it appears that he just keeps using and that is just NOT okay with me.

disappearing for two and a half days, using insane drugs, having criminals with weapons in your car, who knows what other kind of behavior, using up all financial resources, having no sleep, having your mental, emotional and spiritual states whacked by crack, having to move to yet another sober house...etc etc, is just NOT okay with me.

its not that I want to control him. its that I love him and I hate his drug use and there is nothing I can do. I still think of the person he is but because he uses and I can't control his use, and his use is NOT okay, then I guess I consider those thoughts as "obsessions". it is really a crazy world when insane drugs are used.

he "pinged" me today on my smart phone map, wanting to check on my location. he was doing it because he was at "our church"...our super groovy, healing, smart humanist, one of our/my higher consciousness check points (I have many). The last time we started talking/seeing each other again was because he had shown up there.

the reasons I love him are not a fantasy. but his using is not okay. so I don't get to be with him, even though I love him because he just wont do what it takes. thanks for reading if you have gotten through this this far, I guess I write to process, and feel like I put it out there to people, thus making myself a little more honest and accountable.

maybe others relate. the "shame" of being told I love a fantasy hasn't really worked for me, I've tried it and the shame almost bound me to the situation more. right now the thing that works is the very simple premise...I am sick of crack.

in addiction they say you get to a point where you're more sick and tired of the drug than getting pleasure from the use of it. all I know is I really am sick and tired of it. 3 months isn't going to do it. 6 months isn't going to do it. and, hopefully with a little grace I just at some point will stop counting, and for healthy happy reasons.

thanks for all the replies. 24 hrs, one day at a time. yoga, journaling, calling, making the negative reinforcement, thinking it through to the chaos, and the worst...yes, the fear of "using him" god bless him, I pray for his recovery and I pray I stay out of the way.

Impurrfect

(((Leslie))) - I can't even tell you how long it took me to get over the cravings for the THREE XABF's I had..okay, never mind...#2 was a disaster, so that didn't take long. Never MIND the fact that he was the one who introduced me to crack. Let's just say I found #3 pretty quick.

My point is, I don't know how long it took me because I turned to substances to deal with the pain. Oooh, boy!! Get numb!! Forget about him!!! Yeah, right..became an addict.

You are light years ahead of me. You're doing this clean and sober. You're doing this the healthy way..something I've never done.

I can only say that my crack cravings took their own sweet time in going away, and yes...I did have to be sick and tired of it (mostly the consequences) before I even tried.

Give yourself a break, sweetie. It takes whatever time it takes. You seem to be doing all the right stuff.

When I found out XABF#3 had died, I still loved him..but it was from a distance. I'd done what I could, I realized I couldn't make HIM choose recovery, as I had, and I grieved...all over again. Even though I knew he wasn't capable of being the man I wanted him to be? I still loved him. Heck, I still "talk" to him a lot...I tuck him him my heart and take him with me some days.

When I found out, recently, that XABF#1 had gotten married? I was hit with stuff that threw me for a loop. I finally sat down and typed out a pros/cons list of what life was like with him (for 20+ years). My cons list was a lot longer, and hearing that he still has "issues"...it just further cemented my feelings that he was not the person I wanted him to be.

For me, putting it down in black and white helps. SR? Oh yeah, all the great peeps here have helped a lot, too.

I do pray for him...I hope he becomes the man he could be, but I've removed myself from the equation. It took a while...I wanted to BE part of that equation.

Keep doing all the good stuff for you, pray for both of you, and let it go...that's the hardest part, but it does come in time. Promise

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FindingJoy

I can very much relate. This relationshipbwithbmy ExAB really unleashed a ranging Codie in me. I'm thankful this has been exposed so I can worn on it and behave/think in a healthy positive way.

With that being said I too get pangs and cravings to hear and experience the over the top remorse and apology program from my ex. He's the BEST apologizer ever...so the craving for it can be strong even though I know what follows....so let's remind ourselves.

After the remorse apology euphoria (AKA our fix) he will start to disconnect emotionally and physically like he's taken his foot off the gas....I will then ask "what's wrong?" he will say "nothing" in that passive aggressive tone and then I will push saying " I know something is wrong just tell me..." and then he will raise his voice and say something mean like " you always thinking something s wrong is the problem here. How are we suppose to move on if you are always stuck in the past"

Quack quack quack and you know how th rest of the cycle goes

Now my Codie brain says "but what if he really has made progress and the pattern won't be the same as the last 100 times...."

This is where I get stuck....of course he could be far enough along in recovery where the pattern won't be the same and how else wild I be able o find out.

Now I really sound like an addict. MADNESS

lesliej

the typical cycle I have contended with wasn't too "abusive" toward me...

occasionally there was blame and projection and sometimes it came out in anger too. most of the time it was so absurd that I wouldn't take it on at all. but I would get angry at the absurdity, could get really angry, (I can't stand false accusations) and then I would get blamed for that. that part of the cycle never felt like it was much to deal with, it didn't feel much more abnormal than normal kind of fights and boundary making in relationship...

for me the worst part of the cycle was more his stuff...his bemoaning his "unworthiness, unloveableness, and being a loser" it was so totally annoying because I believe 98% of it was from his crack binges. he would start to build himself up a little bit, get himself a little self esteem, start practicing self care, seeing people, doing things (YES behavior!!) and THEN...another binge!! one day? two days? two hours?

didn't matter. the affects of crack just take you down down down.
I just get sick of the same old tired issues surfacing over and over
to me it seems like chicken or the egg...does he feel so awful about himself bc he used or does he use bc he feels awful.

vicious cycle and I am sick of it.

my cycle? I want him to be doing all the cool groovy things we do, he is my playmate and co creator. maybe that's where I "use" him. he just can't sustain, and he tries to keep up with a "normal" (somewhat) healthy life and I think he just crumbles.

so he can't do it, and I am sick of it. and then there is this gift of love we discovered.
but we can't have it.
my cycle involves that I keep believing we "should" be able to have it...that love, what a gift that gets squandered away, shoved into a crack pipe and turned into self pity.

blah.
my cycle, my character distortion? that I can childishly refuse, hopelessly romantically refuse that love fails. that hope does not heal.

I think my therapist called this a "spiritual bypass" meaning I use spiritual principles of hope and love to deny the reality of the addictive cycle...
time to move on to spending my energy on something more healthy.

blackandblue

I know this all to well. I read this post just after hanging up the phone with my AXBF who has been off of heroin for one year now. He is still drinking alcohol and smoking pot and still troubled. It is clear that I am still not talking to a clean, sober, stable, healthy, functioning adult man which is why communication is messy. I have gone off the deep end, put up walls, set boundaries, waved white flags, stood on fences, opened flood gates, jumped through rings of fire, walked tightropes, fallen from grace, risen from hell, and all for the sake of love. I am realizing how to direct that love within and from within. It is possible to become addicted to hope and love when they are directed toward a specific goal. Try instead to say, I am a person who hopes and loves and leave out the rest of what you hope for and what you love. That is healthy detachment for otherwise healthy feelings. I have cravings too and from time to time I indulge still in the idea. It is safer than making it my reality which only exists occasionally on the phone of which I will only in engage in reality with him. I don't do fantasy, spinning, romantic, funny, light, story telling conversations. I let him know my reality with the situation and where I am at with my feelings. I explained that if it feels to heavy and he cannot respect my boundaries then we need to save any communication for when we can both be grounded and sober and in recovery. Then maybe one day if there are ever amends we can be light-hearted again. That way I come closer to letting go without enabling or manipulating or denying or any other codependent behavior. You crave the love inside of you and I pray we both find healthier ways to express that love. It is abundant and needs TLC. Can he handle that right now? Does he have the space to receive that or give that fully without contingencies right now? Can he understand your feelings? If you have a crisis can he fully love and support you? Can you let go knowing it is out of your control and that your true power is within you? Do you know you give away your power by being trapped in this cycle? Do you know you can get your power back? Do you know that he is a grown adult who can take care of himself and he is making his own choices? Do you know your worth and what you deserve? Do you know that I feel how you feel and that all of these questions I wrote for you I am asking myself understanding that I may not know all the answers. All I know is that I have made some progress by taking care of my needs first and realizing that I have the right to my feelings. I have changed and therefore so has our relationship for the better. I am no longer attached to his recovery and I invite him to talk to me only when he is sober and in active recovery. I love him from a distance and I hope you can find some peace and patience for yourself in this process. Love, light, blessings, prayers, and hugs your way.

Wing

thanks for the thread; thank for the posts...
So, I know that I'm not alone... I'm also dealing with this addiction cycle. I just had my thread about my craving 2 weeks after my bad drama.

I'm also craving for the chaos... getting back in the cycle ; be happy for 2 days and then disaster for a month... does it worth it? We all know that it doesn't. We are being sick now... we know it's toxi but we crave it sometimes.

We will go through it together and recover. Our minds are tougher than the twisted damaged mind... our minds are just bothered by the emotion now, not the chemical. So, the damage is not supposed to be permenant, right?

I can't believe how I could go through this without SR. I'm lucky to find you all here.
*hug*

lesliej

thank you wing, I do really believe that I am done being interested in the chaos. I think that over two years ago, when it all started, I didn't even know what was happening to me. I think that my reactions were actually probably kind of normal...I freaked out entirely! I guess for me, when you fall in love with someone and then they disappear all of a sudden on a crack binge...well, freaking out seemed kind of normal. pure unadulterated CHAOS.

over the repeated series of binges the chaos level went down each time. this last time I didn't even react hardly...no surprise actually, just kind of numb and over it. it didn't feel like chaos. I don't want chaos whatsoever. I want recovery around me, it's what I do, it's not only how I survive...it's how I Live. I said good bye to chaos.

what I crave is...and I think black and blue mentions it...the possibility. I want what I have lived, what I have witnessed exists when he stays clean for several months. but what he can't sustain, what he can't give and receive freely.

and, Black and Blue, every single question speaks clear and true. truth without shame. truth with growing acceptance, deepening understanding, increasing clarity.

somehow it is both tragic and comforting to know that we are so not alone.

his problem is much bigger than me, it's not mine, and I can't handle it. hope and love will handle it, but maybe not mine specifically...my hope and love, specifically, may help give love and hope to those around me but I may not be able to determine who. I will continue to learn to give more freely.

I think you're right, maybe to try to direct it toward one person puts constraints on it.
and my heart becomes bound. and when it is directed toward a person who can't help but misuse it, it becomes painfully twisted.

thank you Black and Blue, your writing is stunning and it's terrible beauty speaks to me...whispers to me in deep clear bell like tones to awaken.

washbe2

Wow. How sad to realize that I have started accepting chaos as normal. This isn't right. I surely don't want to crave chaos. I've wanted peace for so long. When I think about it, what will I do in the calm? Hopefully, if it ever happens, I will savor every minute, stay busy with things I used to enjoy and never look back.